hard core reality or self pity?

ok, so get real with what you feel was once the theme of a website i started creating about ten years ago and i wonder if i ever got there and one of the prevailing questions was is it really hard core getting real or is it just self-pity? and a question came to mind just tonight that took me back to that theme...

simply, the query begins like this... if i am a person of value, a person worth knowing and loving, then why am i alone...

and then, it continues to ponder why no one cares enough to tell others of my potential, value, worth, so i might actually connect with someone...

so reality tells me i am not the worthwhile partner i think i am... reality is nobody thinks i am any sort of good catch or person someone else really should meet... so i am not special, not impressing anyone as a good partner, provider, lover, friend, whatever... cuz if i was anything worth knowing, i'd be connecting with others through people who know me and find value in me...

not that i am looking to be set up on dates or any such ridiculous expectation rituals that humans seem to demand of each other (such as the desperate ones who can not stand being alone and out of a relationship for more than a week without a total meltdown of self-esteem and sanity)... i am mostly happy i do not have family demanding conformity (they gave up on me long ago) expecting me to marry and provide children for their pleasure and normalcy... but the introductions of any kind simply do not happen to me...

is everyone i know just selfish and either want me alone so they can have my attention or are they selfish keeping any potential compatible friend or partner to themselves or are they just not caring if i ever partner or are they just seeing no worth or value in me and would not recommend me to anyone... the fact is, that last part, that nobody recommends me to anyone else, is the reality of life and has been for a long long time...

i don't feel like i am feel sorry for myself (and i am a professional at throwing pity-parties (as you may know too well already)... so what's up... or wrong... what stops people who know me from recommending me to others as a friend or even as a potential relationship partner, no less life partner?...

maybe it's the music...

or the sarcasm :)

maybe it is because i am genuinely so happy that people think i need no relationship, lover, or maybe they think i must have someone to share life daily because i'd be lonely and mention it if i didn't... or is that just a facade i wear so well that people do not realize i am lonely and want someone to love (should i wear the queen song lyrics on a t-shirt every day?)... or maybe nobody cares about who i am or how i feel or what i want or what i do or knowing me at all...

huh? :)

so hard core reality is i am alone and nobody is interested in coming closer, knowing me better, sharing intimacy, or even introducing me to someone who might be compatible... and self-pity is crying boo hoo hoo all the way home like one of the little piggies... or something like that...

so what else is new? :)

time alone

thirsty, i'm so thirsty... so he got up to drink some water to quench his thirst... next puzzle, he thought as he pondered his navel lint... i wonder if fat people get more navel lint, and whether they can access it... on second thought, maybe that's a puzzle best left for others to solve... are fat people starving for attention?... these and other ponderings on fat people are brought to you by my contemplations of actually becoming one, which only means giving up on the health and life and intimacy i enjoy, but i would keep my taste buds in a hyper state of euphoria much more often... and no, i really do not think i could get tired of chocolate or pizza... though chocolate pizza i tired of already...

yes, so, the music goes on and it is a completely clear and empty case, so i have no idea who i am listening to... grand papa donks cd called songs & stuff (yeah, open the cd player and read the disk itself, good idea, would fat people have thought of it?... are fat people inherently lazy?... meanwhile, the music goes on even in parentheses)... my belly full but me hungry.,.. and how has life been since last we exchanged words?... interesting... body tired, also lazy and low-energy of late... wish it was mono cuz that might have meant i kissed somebody lately... thing is, i do not find people i want to kiss, it's so rare for me to be really turned on by someone down here in olrando...

and kissing is such a vitally important experience in this life, sigh and all...

speaking of vital importance, breakfast is the most important mean of the day and i may have eaten breakfast on less than a fifth of the days i've awakened, though i eat what is commonly categorized as breakfast foods at other things of the day now and then, i rarely eat in the first few hours of waking and often each just before falling asleep because food has always been a great sleep inducing effect for me probably because of the sugar rush and comfort feeling of a belly full... some people have the opposite reaction, which is why they often have small bellies... and are probably potentiall healthier unless they do other things to kill themselves... we all do, after all, kill ourselves, i mean, cuz just look at the proof... we all die, after all...

the shakespeare people of orlando did a decent job of kiss me kate last night, though i felt the ending was diluted somehow... i'd rewrite if and insert at least two or three more songs because the killer emotions were undermined by the suddenness of the turn arounds... and the chemistry was not there yet, though they did have one thing down pat, the egocentricity and the haughtiness, but that is so prevalent in the winter park community... it's one of my favorite areas of central florida cuz it's most like a city, which is really just blocks and blocks of upscale-looking strip malls without parking lots and with apartments above them and a park or two tucked in here and there, except winter park has a lot more parks... if only the atmosphere (read: people) were not so snooty at times, but then, that's anywhere...

i wonder how many people have hairy butts... i mean, girls and boys, not just boys... you can't really tell in clothes, not even on the beach, cuz hairy butts are rarely hairy enough to show... now hairy crotches, that's a different story... those are easier to see on girls in bathing suits, but for guys, bulges are generally not hair... and then, does hair, speaking of hairy crotches, does hair improve sex or unimprove it (unimprove?)... i suppose this could go for hairy butts too, for people who are into anal sex, but as i am not (I get more anal sex than i need from my own turds passing through that small anus so i don't have any desire to have more even harder long tubular objects passing through) into anal, i was pondering, however suddenly and/or out of place, the merits or drawbacks of penile-vaginal (or oral, i suppose) sex with or without pubic hair... personally, i much prefer no hair at all, so skin friction can be maximized, but that is a matter of sensitivity i suppose... i also do not like the feeling ot stuff between my teeth...

depilatories or razors, hmmmm...

i have these thoughts floating around my head tonight... how do you feel about life on other planets?... i mean, really living stuff, not the alien feeling we all might feel from time to time, some more often than others, me just about all the time), and even sentient beings with language and technology and enlightenment that equals and/or surpassed ours (like manipulating time and space and miniaturizing things, cuz just think of what we'll be doing in the next century when you consider how big a phone or computer was just thirty years ago,or how far away the other side of the world was just a hundred years ago, or the moon, for that matter, just sixty years ago, not to mention how living peacefully sharing life and co-existing for goodness and beauty and spirit of humanity has improved a bit, i mean, we no longer have public beheadings and overtly acceptable slavery and the same kind of witch trials there once were (just look, is beheadings in your spell checker anymore?), though there's so far to go on that level too)... it seems statistically virtually completely illogical to suggest there is not life and just as improbable that there is no sentient life, in fact, there probably is, was, and surely will be way more advanced species than humans, whether you believe in god or not, cuz it you don't then it's simply logical, and if you do, do you really think this is the best your god can do?...

tomorrow is another softball practice so i ought to be getting to sleep, even though the mind is swimming with a kaleidescope of colorful concepts and expanding minutia... there are times when i go beyond amusing myself with words (whatever the effects may be on anyone else) and flat out tickle myself, but then, on occasion, i even think i think profoundly, whether the words find the profundity in them or not, which is a puzzle in and of itself, after all, for words are just puzzle pieces that can be arranged in a myriad of arrangements to create an infinite number of literary images... even though most of what we, humans, i mean, do with words is repeat the same thoughts over and over... kind of like practice, i suppose, and that makes it a good thing, i suppose, all the redundant repetition surely must improve our abilities to create more different and fascinating and worthwhile and meaningful literary images with these puzzle pieces called words...

i am getting better at softball too, though i am reaching a plateau that will only be elevated by removing the bulge between my crotch and breasts... not that i have breasts in the girl sense, but there are fat cells up there too, and hair down below, and on the skin, for that matter, so i am not totally opposed to hair, but i still prefer a hairless crotch, at least on a sex partner... so eating all these pf creme (with the accent on the middle e) filled pirouettes is probably a bad idea, but then they are so good... french vanilla are my favorite, which is ironic since they have at least two different kinds of chocolate... so there are two french connections here, for what that's worth...

but seeing that i should sleep, as it is approaching 4am (no matter what the time stamp may say, after all, i got home after midnight, but shhhhh, let's not manipulate time too much, after all, we've got a long way to go) and i waste my time showing up to practice too tired, i don't have time to ponder the french tonight...

nite nite :)

consistency

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

retrospective reflections (and other puzzling ponderings)

so i add the entry cuz these thoughts are rolling around my head and there's this date that has no entry cuz i was too busy in RealTime™ to write an entry this weekend and it's only 3am and work is at least five hours away and all these words are bubbling through the brain (as usual) and nobody is here to share or distract me from thinking and playing with words, so i add this entry cuz...

feel free to play the song that never ends now...

and i wonder who is out there, i mean, not you guys who comment, but others who do not comment... i especially wonder at this moment if anyone local is out there, like was i sitting and talking and having fun with anyone this weekend or the past few weeks who reads this (or any of my) babblings?... i know my calendar gets checked now and then or whatever by locals, but has anyone local found my blogs or pages of rhymes or any part of my web world?...

i wonder if it would be as cool as i think it would be if the local physical reality met my semi-imaginary world of words...

or were those famous last words...

so we were discussing the online and offline worlds this weekend and it is interesting how some feel the twain just does not meet, how some feel one or the other is taken too seriously (though usually it's the view that words online get taken too seriously that gets the most agreement), and how people are too dependant on this, that, or the other thing...

and so when i talk to people offline about how much fun it is to play and communicate online, i am often told that i take the online world too seriously... and this is usually by people who spend more time online and less time socializing offline than i do... weird, to me, at least, but everybody has a perspective...

i rarely meet someone who accepts things as i do or thinks about things as i do... maybe i just never learned how to be as invested in anything as others... tthe irony is that when i take something seriously, i am usually told i take it too seriously and when most of the time i am not taking anything nearly as seriously as anyone around me, so few take me seriously... i guess i just don't play the game most everyone plays (and most do not see it all as a game either)...

so because i seldom sleep, i spent more time online and offline than anyone i know... and all these words, who reads tham... you dear friends who've been with me for years, maybe a few newer friends from far far away, but locals - does this opportunity to know me pass without nod (or a wink, for that matter)?... sees a shame, since getting to know people can take so much time in the few hours a week that offline social life allows in this unsocial work dominated culture...

sometimes it seems so sad...

i also wonder what about me might not be knowable by reading everything i've put online... what aspects of my personality are missing... what questions would someone who truly wants to know me completely (believing in the dream that knowing someone completely is possible) ask?... any ideas?... and then another question peaks around the corner... what could i put online to inspire people to want to know me better?... and still another question enters the game, what could i do with my online time to make me more attractive to people offline, not just to the females (ah, ever seeking the one even when i am not consciously doing it), but to potential true friends...

everybody has an opinion, even if they don't want to find it or share it, so what's yours?...

thanks for reading, and if you respond, thanks for responding, and if you answer questions, thanks for answering questions, and if you help me get some of what i want, thanks for the best help a friend can give...

and enjoy it, cu that's what we're here for, ya know? :)

see this one time, last thursday...

Alyson Hannigan was such a turn on with her honest,, innocence, and candid nymphomania in American Pie even though she was not the purest image of the one in my libido's eye... people just want to hear what makes them feel good, even if it's negativity (cuz people are confused and distorted, but that's besides the point)... french fries are my favorite vegetable, really, even though i usually say asparagus or something else, but cherries are still pretty much my favorite fruit, with pineapples ever so slightly being... and then, when masturbating, what is your favorite thought, image, and activity? (what, you want me to be the only one giving up the secrets here?)...

maybe next time we'll reverse the polarity on the questions and watch Alison Hannigan masturbate, instead of just talking about it or making some guy explode with creamy goodness... and maybe next time people will actually start being honest for the first time in the history of humanity... and maybe next time, the vegetables will be the fruits and vice versa and nobody will understand anything... and maybe next time, you'll ask me something that you would really like to know about me...

i figure the answers, my friends, wherever they are blowing, will provide vital information and if i get the answers to the quiz of a lifetime from every single person on the planet, i'll find the one and know exactly how to please her which will inspire the romantic falling in love we both crave so simultaneously and mostly the same way...

and we came in third after losing the two previous weeks to the first and second place teams, respectively, and beat the team who would have been third to come in third...

adorableness is innocent sensuality, which is also harmless sexuality, which is also completely open honesty without harm, which is also gigglepoop, sometimes... adorableness does not have to be young, but youth is a state of mind and adorableness is definitely a youthful state of mind... this is reflected in the physical for much longer than humans ordinarily allow themselves to believe, no less become... that is very sad for the few who do...

inspire me to be adorableness by being adorableness and wanting me to be adorableness for you... or perhaps you just want wild passionate sex for no apparent reason other than horniness, which changes everything except libido's eye, which will most likely reject you at first glance, even if you are beautiful in everyone else's eye... which is sad to the few who do...

and why i remain alone in bed in this millennium...

but then this one time, last thursday...

P.S.

anybodfy our there check to see if my calendar link works for you on your computer?...

how about now?

i appreciate you taking the time to help me see things from your perspective... cuz if you can't see my calendar, then it's just for me and i might tired of it much more quickly... so i'll ask again if you missed this one too (i know i don't always make it easy for you :)

nite nite :)

bobble-head me

sleep is needed… yes, ok, so i am a bobble-head… kind of like when you play checkers and get kingged, as in king me, except this comes from playing at life and skipping sleep… i would have written that i will probably be asleep before this entry is written, but i fell asleep before i wrote that… and again after i wrote that… and just before i wrote this too… yes, i am nodding off, just like a good babble head oughta…

i wonder if i already shared this:

the irony was amazing, maybe it is, still is, that is
but the calendar left me hazy in the night
as sleep requested more time every time
i want to still believe in love
and everything will be alright

but you abandoned me so long ago
after promising forever for eternity
so what do words or people matter
i ask myself again
it all seems just part of a fake show
i welcome proof to the contrary

so i wonder if the sleep number bed is the biggest scam since sliced bread… I mean, you can buy an air mattress for less than $50 or a really good one for $100 or so and fill it with just the pressure you feel most comfortable laying on… and if you want, you can buy a foam mattress top and how different is that than the $1500 or much higher price on the sleep number bed, after all?... and what's the deal on the NASA memory foam, anyway?... is that worth the price or just another milking of the holy dollar?... in any case, i really ought to make a decision about a new bed soon… i haven't slept in a bed since the Oklahoma trip, after all… but i am waiting to see if we move as we've not renewed the lease here yet and i'd rather not have to move a bed if it simply means waiting another month or so…

yeah, the rhyme could be depressing, but it really all depends, or at least mostly, on perspective… for me, being open to proof to the contrary is an amazing level of hope amidst the selfish self-destructive collective human condition we nod off into regularly, especially when we think we are wide awake, like at work or watching television, for instance… so it truly is a choice, you see (well, maybe you don't see, but it's a good philosophy you can explore at your leisure, or not at all, for that matter… not everybody can be brilliant, after all…

or awake, even…