time passes

oh, so, it’s been here all along

what happened, it would seem, is the babbler lost interest, primarily, the time that used to be provided for the babbling was give to work and to social experiences offline, but also, as if there could possibly be a linear stream of consciousness here, the babbler was getting more negative (depressed about the human condition and the loneliness of being too aware of the suicidal tendencies of the human species at this time in human development and ultimately, not wanting any part of that delusional self-abuse...

it probably does not help that almost every relationship i've ever known was imbalanced in terms of me giving a whole lot more than i received and even when i am not emotionally involved, i still give more in material (more than five thousand dollars in the past two months, a pattern ot giving that has left me facing the challenge of having to work until i die unless something changes dramatically cuz i have no real retirement plan... every time i have a few extra dollars, or thousands of dollars, someone comes along needing it which has me torn between isolating myself from people and maintaining some sort of meaningful human contact, even imbalanced as it is...

still, in the third reflection (or paragraph, if you know my written gardens), i have written well over a thousand entries in the first consistently kept daily life writing, the (e)thereal blog, and i feel positive and happy with the way it keeps me in touch with me, even if nobody notices... and then there is the bullsugar, which is kind of a reach into a deeper psyche that keeps me laughing at myself and everything with a perspective close to what i once called the childinside (though i do not allow much time for expressions from those depths these days as these days are day of busy social and work life that i love, even if it is missing some essentials and far from perfect, cha cha cha narf)...

another reason i have been away from here is the writing has been dispersed over many blogs and writing spaces in the last two years that, cumulatively, have a lot more words than this or past babbling places when all is said and counted (as if anyone ever might take the time to find and read it all, no less count the words, aye?... ah, but let's not muddle the ego trip with reality, ok? lol lam :)

what we have here, whomever, is a clear case of who gives a fuck...

or, in other words, why should i spend my time sitting alone writing hundreds and thousands of words in rambling entries and this that or whatever to amuse myself if it is not bringing me anything other than self amusement and is taking time from the social life i want and the work life i need to survive comfortably (not to mention the sleep the body needs to survive, period)...

yeah, see, it's simple when i face the reality, whatever that is...

i could go delusional like most humans (or even not, uniquely, I mean) and pretend there are people who think like i do and who might understand me (like craig ferguson?) and people who might fall in love with me (like... yeah, step right up) because i am not the only one who perceives life as i do, but then, delusions have always worked out very poorly for me and in most cases, proved quite dangerous…

so tonight I sit home alone, which is a rare experience on saturday nights (college football helps a little, though mostly it’s cuz I didn’t say yes to any plans and want to get a good night sleep cuz I have a long day of softball tomorrow and one game against a very good team that could hurt me (they hit that hard, they are “A” and “B” level players), so I want to be as awake and refreshed and ready as possible in body and mind… and sitting here semi-watching tv and browsing the web (lots of youtube time and more instead of or during tv time) and loving the new york pastrami and knishes that came mail order from katz’s deli of houston st in new york city (skyscrapers and everything) today (oh so yum), the reminiscing may have started deep in the roots and woke the babbler up a little (I mean, I really don’t feel on a roll ya know) so here I am, or we are…

so my complaints are: lonely, dissatisfaction with humanity, being overly generous and not isolating myself enough to keep saving for retirement, religion is the opiate of the masses, the proletariat oppression by the elite upper class, wait a minute, this isn’t a monty python bit, is it?... right, start again…

hello, I’m ric, who are you?... are you there?... are you alive?... are you aware?... have you never been meow?... mellow?... which cat are you?... are you independent?... I mean, do you make your own decisions?... are you delusional?... co-dependent?... confused?... complicated?... why?... what’s your name?...

am I delusional to be asking questions here?...

I’d like to see south carolina win, but I’m not that invested in any team and this particular momentary rooting is quite transient and they are making too many mistakes to deserve the win, especially on defense, and most especially the coaching moves, especially the change of quarterbacks to a freshman in that last few minutes (who threw two interceptions, duh, great call coach)… I also think the refs are being influenced by the home crowd, but that’s par for the course in the southeast conference (which is just one reason it is my least favorite as far as conferences go)… anyway, it’s a distraction from the attention seeking dog and the hunger for love love love love love love love (and some were deleted in the great att cruelty when they deleted all personal web pages three weeks before they said they were going to do it so I did not get to copy them and they basically said fuck you loyal customers as most usa companies do when they screw their customers from behind, att sucks the big one)…

what?...

the knishes, by the way, are so extremely delish and yummy and wonderfully nostalgic and bftp and memory filled and I wish those I loved throughout this life were here right now so I could strip them naked and masturbate all over their private places and, ummm, what?... oh, what I mean is, I wish they kept in touch so I could thank them for the wonderful memories and share a few new ones cuz love is forever even if keeping in touch is not…

pretty weak (sophomoric, even) irreverence there, but hey, the babbler has been sleeping a very long time, after all, not quite as long as the heart, maria, but the heart, but still a long long time (thank you linda) and maybe it’s time for a sleepbabbling space, aye?... yes, I know, it’s been done and what is the diff between sleepwriting and sleepbabbling, after all… guess we’ll have to wait for afterall to find out, aye?... aye?... aye?...

so have you missed me?...

not that I’m here, but I could be if you wanted me to be and even more convenient for me, you could be there (in the there and now, ya see) if you really cared to kit (kit?)… oh, someone must remember and care, even if we don’t connect for whatever reason and they never know… people don’t spend much time in their own conscious mind, after all…

was I complaining about humans again?...

laughing now, in case you are not in tune with the in touch words you are reading… passing a long of gas too… new York gas, the best kind… it’s the water, you know… the best water in the world and that is why most everything tastes better… this area has some of the worst water I’ve ever tasted, even double filters… way too much sulfer and phosphates and other crap in the ground and no filtration system, at least none compared to the new York system… I miss new York in so many ways, but not enough to deal with the weather and rat race…

I am a tropical beach bum, after all…

seriously, I do not want to cut my hair and wear a suit… well, I do not want to wear a suit… I would cut my hair if I found a soulmate (or even a lover) who wanted me to… I keep the hair to keep the straight control freaks and conservative small minds and religious right away… what, you don’t want more irreverence?... what?... you thought that was irreverence?... which?... what?... where?... when did you get here, anyway?...

narf…