what happened yesterday

was I didn't have time to write an entry here because I was trying to get music to play, but mostly I was too busy falling asleep while trying to comment on a blog entry that will be deleted any moment now (and the long labor of love comment along with it)...

talk about suffering for love...

meanwhile, I wrote this sometime yesterday I think, intending it for the livejournal but putting it here instead just cuz I know how much you miss me and my incorrigible ego when I skip a day:

I am listening to After Forever (link will be fixed) and remembering how much I enjoy her voice and the majestic sound... I found an mp3 player on a myspace profile that actually plays (so far, at least) on my ancient machine (not quite a 386 as my evil and currently disappearing friend z0tl might suggest, but old) and there are dozens of songs on this bloody angel's playlist that I'd love to get copied in a form I can listen to at my liesure... it's kind of amazing whenever songs play on this old machine... I hope they all download...

and in walks Rasputin, most likely waking for work, and he heats up a bratwurst left over from dinner last night, sits down on the couch in his spot directly in front of the TV, farts loudly a few times, and eats his sausage... he hasn't turned on the TV yet, a rarity, probably cuz the music is playing on the computer, but the bright lights are on again... I enjoyed almost an hour of darkness this time between his trips to the fridge in his sleep to get more Diet Pepsi and leave the light on... he also usually turns on the TV moments after waking or coming home, can watch the same shows over and over, gets lost in commercials, and leaves the TV on after going to his room to his computer or to sleep... Rasputin is a creature of habit, orders the same dish at restaurants every time, and can be counted on for his consistency... he went to shower, of course, leaving the bright kitchen lights on... he'll leave it on when he leaves for work too...

it is challenging to maintain any sort of different atmosphere here than the one just described because the consistency is so, well, consistent... this is life at home... I have another roommate, Precious, who is away for the holidays... she too leaves to light on all the time, but does not fart so as anyone can notice... neither does dishes or picks up after themselves on any regular basis, so there is almost always a pile of dirty dishes in both sinks and on the counters, along with empty Pepsi bottles (they are both seriously addicted) and smears and crumbs and dirty pots or pans and food wrappings (usually fast food or packaged food)...

but I love them, even if their daily living habits are different than mine and not my ideal living space habits... I have slide into a much sloppier lifestyle over the past few years with their habits dominating the space... I don't always like that, but I've learned to live with it (or more precisely, ignore it as much as possible) in a semi-distant peacefulness...

and in the rare moment when I do create an ambiance closer to home for me and they disregard it (which is their consistent habit), like now, I come to words and record it so I can remember the best and the worst of the living space of these years... and also to remember what my home is like when I create it...

mood lighting that changes, candles and varied scents, usually music, almost always clean and clear counters and sinks and furniture... I suppose I have my habits too and many might not like them, but I am extremely flexible and enjoy trying new things and changes...

this is one of my prime excuses for not going out with any intention of meeting someone new and bringing them home, because I would not want to bring someone I want to be close to into this space... foolish, perhaps, since I am lonely and crave more social interaction on almost every level, including intimacy... but their habits are so ingrained in their lifestyles that there's no use trying to change them, so I accept the compromise because it lets me live much more comfortably on my relatively current salary...

and this gives you a taste of the real world I live in, home life comfortable but not ideal and not a space I'd call mine, social life relatively non-existent... work life is great, I enjoy what I do and have no one over my shoulder (in fact, nobody actually knows just what I do {they call me a clinical data specialist, and yes, that is a change from the last time I was here... same hospital, different office and tasks} and my word that it's getting done is enough for them)...

PS... honest silent energy is effective sometimes... before I uploaded this entry Rasputin decided it was time to do the dishes... ain't he a sweetheart?...