all the many words

it's been weeks since I last checked in over at myspace and there are more than a few people over there, including people in the offline world, who keep in touch (even if it's silently) over there... I think some people actually depend on me to be out here in the cyber world... of course that could be all in my head as ego and some parts of me most definitely want to be wanted and even needed...

the next thought, as I ponder the distant dependencies we create for ourselves online (and wondering how much of their illusionary reality can actually be considered real) may not be related, but it is what it is and it is that the longer I live the more poisoned I feel, especially when I interact with others... it may be a uniquely American disease, this spoiled arrogance, this blind defiance, this chosen ignorance, this cavalier cynicism, this negative insensitivity and penchant for unhappy gossip and drama and tragedy and power trips and destruction... it may be that I've lost touch with the world view in recent years... in any case, I feel poisoned by my environment on every level...

and the geniune innocents who do not walk around with a chip on their shoulder as if everyone owes them something (or more accurately, sit around fat and lazy complaining about everything and laughing at the misfortunes of others) seem to slide into a malaise, even depressions, for they are pushed around and treated badly by the callous users and pretentious know-it-alls who claim power and virtue based on popularity, aggression, and what they'll call divine intervention...

and all the many words I put out on the web
how few of them are ultimately read
so many places and paths and comments aside
how many thoughts and feelings are lost or denied

and all the many words I have used in this life
how few of them have meant anything
so many people passing through on the outside
how many have ever heard my heart sing

it's sad to say none, or many there was one
but no one is feeling me everywhere now
is this what life's about, just the letting it out
and leaving it behind... for others to find...
I want something more...
but how...
shall this become lament into the sorrow and acceptance of the isolation of living in these bodies or a victorious celebration of waking to the conscious awareness of being actualized as one with everything enough to bring the ultimate intimacy into the personal life?...

I dunno...

ironically, I did get to the gym in spite of waking an hour late... frustratingly, I could have had almost an hour on the Lifecycle as the Deputy worked tonight which meant he comes to lock up when his shift ends which means he actually gets to the gym to lock up around midnight... but I plotzed in melancholy and babbled in comments to come out of that mood and then walked out the door prepared to jog/walk as I wistfully passed the locked and dark gym... the gym was lighted and I went in for a ten minute level 11.4 (average) which is still not the level 15 I used to work out at on the old machine, but substantially more resistance than the level 3-5 I've been averaging since I returned to the gym (and we see why the time on machine, mileage, and speed are higher and the calories burned are lower, aye?... I believe this current way is better {lower resistance, longer times} is better as I am focusing on burning the calories most of all... if I tore down muscle even more than I am already doing I'd have even more complications, complaints, and curveballs from my renal system and other vital organs, not to mention muscles)...

anyway, after the gym I speed walked around the community for almost 40 minutes and that almost brought me up to burning as many calories as I consumed today... I really binged on the meat-cheese meal I prepared (that should have easily been four meals, three at the max, but will weakened and taste buds won the battle today... that's twice in the past four days, but only twice in the past three weeks, so I must focus a bit more on the fact that I am in control of my choices)... I left the perfect dinner meal in the fridge at work and that, coupled with the pig-sty kitchen I cooked in and the general feeling of loneliness as I challenge this body and myself to rise above the habits of my roommates and the general population and the frustration with this body that is cough mortal and showing clear signs of deterioration and lack of cooperation (and the baby never cries, alas, poor Harry, and Johns, and Billy, and so it goes), influences my auto-pilot taste buds to take me to a salt and carb high that I've avoided for at least three weeks...

and yet, still, no chocolate... even though a co-worker brought me some fancy chocolate she picked up on vacation today... it's in the fridge at work where it will remain, possibly until it turns white, or at least until I go another week without even the slightest hint of binge eating...

and still I digress from the digression and all the many words bring me to wonder why I am here... surely sleep would be wise, for the body, at least, and even perhaps for the mind... and yet the mind and those ethereal parts of me that know limitless hope and hunger and energy, the insatiable (however illusionary, though they do produce physical effects in the form of hormones that keep me awake and writing all the many words long into sleepless nights like this one) call out for more (more more more) and wonder where have all the flowers gone... and the people, the children with promise and hope and beauty flowing from their loving eyes and optimistic smiles, where have they, where have we all gone?...

another digression, perhaps, but sooner or later some digression might lead us back around to the original point... and how long ago did I leave that (the old man inside chuckles at the youthful hope in the question, but the answer will not come tonight as I grave the thought too lightly to even close it with a question mark)...

and this is life in real time... I woke, left responses to your comments (in semi-indirect babble mode), and did the exercise thing... continuing the continuation of the continuum of life, I hope... and here we are, back in RealTime... the day before my evening nap was a day like most days... I was asked to do (and completed) another new project for the Director of Clinical Services (and the previous one was approved by Quality Council that met today)... completing a few reports and the usual database updating... I miss the interaction with the kids, and yet, the hunger for emotional intimacy that they partially filled is growing and that is one of the motivators for the recent contract renewal with this physical life as represented by the gym work and refreshed dietary priorities...

it is a good feeling, the sense that I may be lifting the veil of self-pathetic tragedy again and giving myself yet another chance at rebirth... from Skeeter Davis singing don't they know it's the end of the world to John Lennon singing it feels like starting over (and why do I not have more current references at my fingertips... oh, dear muse of music, where are you now... for so long I have forsaken you, bleeding self-deprivation as some form of misguided punishment for failures I let get beyond my control... if I pray, would you return to save me?)...

and all the many words...

I am going to write somewhere else now as I've gone way beyond my purpose here in this real time blog... I hope you don't mind (the babbling on here, or my going where the babble and dreaming and drama and chorus and la-dee-da-ing belongs)... if nothing else is read in all the many words, may these next words be the final thought you save...

I do appreciate you being round...