ok, the grave is muddy
and I've had one foot stuck in it for quite a while now (the ancient scrolls of the mostly dead {at LJ, not the black gardens of DL} can attest to that)... somas I drag myself back to the gym again (yes, I found my way there again tonight), I am facing the wall again... the wall with the big graffiti letters spelling out aging and poverty sucks... I feel like I've been tied to a whipping post, if you follow along with that song...
sadly I trudge onward, reluctantly (and boy, can I ever get reluctant) accepting that I shall be the only one experiencing and appreciated the rebirth of this body (if it happens, after all, it could very well explode)... no visceral feedback... no one who understands or is aware or appreciates or really cares in the physical world...
heck, even online it ain't easy (so I smirk)...
of course if I take this journey seriously, as I've done in the past, I know that I shall reach a point of conditioning and self-esteem and confidence that will get many noticing and remarking about the changes, but that's after the fact and still superficial and anyone wanting to get close then will have proven they were never interested in me, but in the physical aura I could project (the thin skin deep layer of superficial attraction)...
sucks to know this stuff, it really does...
anyway, got a lot done at work today in preparation for being mostly gone for three days (training downtown... dang traffic nightmare and long boring days meeting the people from the state office that reviews the evaluations I do and data I compile and submit... people who don't know what they are doing, but are, of course, in charge... and meanwhile the federal auditors (one group of them, at least, and yes, they get a report from me each month too) will be in house auditing the same three days so I might have my cell ring with questions as I'm nodding off at the seminars... I got the paper piles as prepared as I could get them today...
home to find pizza and McDonalds and the usual... I resisted and had 2 veggie burgers and 3 fish patties (still lazy, but I actually used the pan to heat them up cuz the pan was clean for once and the kitchen was semi-clean)... about 600 calories total, throw in about 50 calories of veggies and there's a balanced low-cal dinner, right?... I believe I stayed under 1000 calories today, so the semi-fast is becoming a low-cal diet and yes, the gym... infinitely better than the first night two nights ago... and I am still breathing, yay...
and talking all those pills...
before the gym, 24... it's reaching that point where it's driving me a bit bonkers cuz while the show doesn't move usually too slowly, the weeks in between make the show seem to drag on and on... I usually lose interest and come back for the last few episodes... Prison Break is similar... as is/was Heroes... meanwhile, TV is still the best sleeping pill I know...
thanks for the comments :)
sadly I trudge onward, reluctantly (and boy, can I ever get reluctant) accepting that I shall be the only one experiencing and appreciated the rebirth of this body (if it happens, after all, it could very well explode)... no visceral feedback... no one who understands or is aware or appreciates or really cares in the physical world...
heck, even online it ain't easy (so I smirk)...
of course if I take this journey seriously, as I've done in the past, I know that I shall reach a point of conditioning and self-esteem and confidence that will get many noticing and remarking about the changes, but that's after the fact and still superficial and anyone wanting to get close then will have proven they were never interested in me, but in the physical aura I could project (the thin skin deep layer of superficial attraction)...
sucks to know this stuff, it really does...
anyway, got a lot done at work today in preparation for being mostly gone for three days (training downtown... dang traffic nightmare and long boring days meeting the people from the state office that reviews the evaluations I do and data I compile and submit... people who don't know what they are doing, but are, of course, in charge... and meanwhile the federal auditors (one group of them, at least, and yes, they get a report from me each month too) will be in house auditing the same three days so I might have my cell ring with questions as I'm nodding off at the seminars... I got the paper piles as prepared as I could get them today...
home to find pizza and McDonalds and the usual... I resisted and had 2 veggie burgers and 3 fish patties (still lazy, but I actually used the pan to heat them up cuz the pan was clean for once and the kitchen was semi-clean)... about 600 calories total, throw in about 50 calories of veggies and there's a balanced low-cal dinner, right?... I believe I stayed under 1000 calories today, so the semi-fast is becoming a low-cal diet and yes, the gym... infinitely better than the first night two nights ago... and I am still breathing, yay...
and talking all those pills...
before the gym, 24... it's reaching that point where it's driving me a bit bonkers cuz while the show doesn't move usually too slowly, the weeks in between make the show seem to drag on and on... I usually lose interest and come back for the last few episodes... Prison Break is similar... as is/was Heroes... meanwhile, TV is still the best sleeping pill I know...
thanks for the comments :)
Labels: babble, blogs, energy, food, hope, life, livejournal, loneliness, mostly dead, mtmm, phew, pills, pizza, sigh, sniffles, work, yay
posted by candoor at 11:41 PM
7 Comments:
I am so happy to hear you have gone to the gym (jumps and down and claps wildly), although I have absolutely no right whatsoever to say anything to anyone on this subject as I myself have abandoned exercise for the most part now (not a good thing), and so all I can say now is 'do I say, not as I do'. But I'm glad you're doing it and hope you will continue to do so, the body being a temple and all that stuff.
Thank you for your messages and comments as always...being ok is so relative isn't it? What exactly is ok? I'll have to think on that I think.
I'm gonna do a little catching up here to see what you have been up to, and maybe browse around a few of your other branches to catch up some more, so I'll close this one out now and just say I hope your day is filled with smiles and some hugs :)
btw....do I remember right that your birthday is April 6? If I do remember right, happy one month exactly before your birthday :)
(If I don't remember right, just ignore my fog, which I am usually in these days.)
lo we used to have a series
"One foot in the grave"
about a grouchy old man
who forced to take early retirement felt he had been thrown into the trashbin od life
Never mind that he had a great wife, great health, great home, great car, great pension, and nothing to worry about ...
but he was so busy feeling sorry for himself, that he couldn't enjoy what most of us look to achieving in good health and with a decent pension
But it was a comedy or parody of life!
YAY! youz is back! :)
I forgive Z for not being here yet, after all, I owz him 743.6 text message responses over the last two dayz :P
that's not the only reason my tongue is out, I just returned from the gym, better than last night, I'm not dead yet! :P :p :P
that is panting...
actually, I'm not even panting anymore... pulse dropped from 155 to 140 within fifteen seconds of going into cooldown (shifting gears from 6mph+ to about 4mph) and down to 110 after 5 minutes of cooldown (3-4mph, no resistance)... the latter can use improving, but still, I decided to continue the cooldown another 25 minutes until the police came and raided the place (something about nude exercising not allowed)...
actually, it was just closing time and the local courtesy cop does the honors each night (for free rent, cha-ching)...
anyway, Hi! =)
OK = loving self, self-esteem high enough to reach out and interact beneath the surface with those who care the most (those who will not accept surface bullsugar), being ready, willing, and able to look a true friend in the eye and take the truth as they see it...
that's the elementary scientific formula for OK...
signs of being NOT OK include:
being in avoidance mode
being in denial mode
being in angry mode
being in self-pity mode
there are an assortment of others... note that a mode is not merely a mood with one less 'o' and a silent 'e', mode is defined (basically) as a mood that lasts more than two interactions with one who you trust or more than 72 hours, whichever comes first...
yes, we are experiencing that phenomenon known as post-gym genius... shhhh, it's at ultra-low frequency so as not to wake the neighbors...
fog mode is sometimes ok, in fact it can be very ok, especially when shared, but not when other not-ok factors are at least at 51%...
qapish?...
speaking of Q, Hi Q! =)
I'd love to be that guy... much better than living in a laminated cardboard box at the beach eating fish and beach-goer leftovers, hoping the girl of my dreams stumbles by, which is my retirement plan :)
I wonder if I can sell that idea and star in the movie or TV series and therein make enough money to install electricity and wireless internet and maybe even have a vacation box on the Riviera...
I don't need much :)
bottom line serious to all of you (yes Z, you too, and even silent people who might be encouraged to comment by this moment of seriousness): thanks for stopping by... I miss you when you're gone... you keep the whipporwills away :)
I hope you're gonna go to the gym more often cuz you do seem to exhibit such fits of unbelievable genius as to be...well...genius.
Qapish on ok'ness. (Waves at Q).
I think at any given time I can find I am probably present in both categories (except for the being angry part which I pretty much never seem to be in). Although the mysterious flu I had for over a month and sent me to the ER with a closed up airway had me in the definite realm of not-ok'ness.
You are even stirring the motivation to exercise again. Maybe if I read enough about you exercising I'll actually get to a point where I'm doing it again. But for now, I'll meditate on exercise cuz meditation is something I never give up ... and of course there is more chocolate (cuz the Lindt Extra Creamy Milk Chocolate is just so good in every dimension of experience). And tonight, watercolor, cuz art tips the scales toward ok'ness.
:)
YAY for more okness, keep in touch, ok? :)
no chocolate for me, though you mention one of my ultra-top favs... not until I see the doc again and figure out this sugar level deal... sucks to be considering living a diabetic diet (no wonder I am exercising, huh?>.. I figure if I drop 40 pounds, get my metabolism up and running again, and still have high sugar, the I will reluctantly accept the death throws of my taste buds, but my hope is that if I finally remember I actually do want to live and do the body stuff, I'll not only be the picture of health but toss away the blood pressure pills as well (hey, it's a nice dream and totally possible until I reach the ideal weight and energy level and find the actual results)...
hopefully I did not inherit high BP and diabetes and other genetic stuff that will make aging a drag... so there :)
and as the Beatles said, I do appreciate you being 'round :)
I'm glad you do want to live and do the body stuff :)
And I'm glad also you have renewed your contract with living and life, especially since it's March and especially since you could have chosen otherwise. And I'm glad z is bombarding you with text messages. I don't have Yahoo Messenger or unlimited free texting on my cell (for some reason YM crashes my computer), so I'll try to bombard with comments instead.
Keep up the gym and the diet and being good to yourself. You are the only you we have.
:)
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