ok, without the self-pity

that weight goal I set for my birthday was actually technically set for somewhere around the third week of April, but I am ahead of it and I've gotten close enough to push for it to be a couple of weeks early just cuz it seems realistically possible (or did until last night) and when I am confronting myself in self-pity mode (as I was doing last night) I darken the clouds and raise the standards and whip the boy with suddenly advanced goals cuz that's what I respond to best internally from myself... if anybody else tried it I'd instantly laugh and rebel in the opposite direction, but that's a game of my psyche I don't play much anymore cuz I don't give anyone much power (which leads to why I feel so alone and the whole ball of wax, enchilada, or as The aterboys said, bigger picture, if ya falla this multi-level paragraph)...

I've found that I am more easily understood when I have a touch of self-pity going on or when I am in self-pity mode, perhaps because I appear more vulnerable and approachable or perhaps because I can speak the human language better there... I am attempting to be somewhat human, after all... a bit late in life for such an attempt, perhaps, but a sincere attempt and hopefully a viable one too...

who's to judge, though, after all... if anyone... if it matters... silly boy... meanwhile...

there was this memory at the gym tonight... a memory of Amy, almost... a young girl proportioned so very close to that memory of ultimate fall, unlimited passion, unconditional everything... facially she was not too far off, but not instant top ten libido list either... still, it was a wonderful memory, great rush of adrenaline, and while the whistful sorrow of realistic differences accepting the great divide that will likely not be actually crossed in this physical world, I survived the precarious balance between age old depressive thoughts and fantasy euphoria and used the practical inspiration to continue and experience a good workout in spite of fasting all day...

I might have been inspired to dive into memory fantasy if I was not listening to Precious talk to me about her day for the past hour... there is so little purely self writing time these days since I started working day shift and going to the gym... I miss my head...

so why did I start two more new blogs today?... ah, perhaps for the sheer amusement... anyway, we'll try again tomorrow...