don't mind me, I'm amusing myself

Afterthought: BLOGGER TRIED to eat this post, but I outsmarted the machine... still, it is ironic and I am not bitter, no, I am not bitter at all :)

after a nap, I woke and found myself torn about the concert tomorrow night... a Christian rock concert headlined by a band I don't know and a couple of other Christian rock bands I don't know, but it's the only chance to see Meg & Dia before Warped Tour in June, so I bought tickets... the mixed emotions are as follows...

almost a two hour drive by myself cuz nobody wants to go (and I must face the fact that I have almost no friends in the area and nobody who is really into music except Precious and she only comes when I pay for her ticket because I pay for her ticket cuz, after all, she's a teenager and would rather hang with her friends and so would I (if I had any... sad, those last three words)...

it's not much fun facing the fact that I live a life so alone without anyone is is actually into what I am into without anyone who really gets me and relates and shares beyond the surface...

I obviously have been living in reality too long...

and then there's taking the fantasy crush on Dia that I could build upon and confronting it with the reality of her on stage, me an anonymous audience fan, and the twains never actually meeting because I am still feeling far from in the mood (or body/energy) to actually actualize myself and meet people I really want to be myself with... if that doesn't make sense to you, well, for better or worse, it does to me and it's depressing to face this long time gone period of life, but the gym work is the way out and hopefully I'll continue and get back out before I die)...

so it's not pathetic that I am going to drive 2 hours on a work night to see a teenage duo sing and play music and I have no one to go with me to these sort of fun things in this life... yes it is, but I won't let it get me down, so there... I stick my tongue out in my general direction...

meanwhile, I showed up late at the gym because I checked myspace (for the second time in a month) and found Dia had posted a blog and I responded privately and publicly and the Deputy showed up on time so I only had 21 minutes on the Lifecycle... I did set a new best time for a mile, 2 miles, 10, and 20 minutes though... good to get a nap in before the gym... and I still should be a lot more tired than I am, after all... so hopefully that's a good sign, but still I must focus on getting more sleep...

instead of sleep though, when I got back from the gym I found myself writing an odd love song that may have started as a May-December thing, but I feel like it has many more sides than just challenging the age stereotypes and hopefully that came across... I have three versions now, changing pronouns and wondering just how the words would be received in the different presentations... I think it's one of those pieces that depend more on who is presenting/singing it than on what is being said/sung... and there I go putting it out there on myspace... I think I may put it on candora and somewhere else too in different forms... I don't often way mass public feedback, but sometimes I write something I would like a big audience to read and review... too bad I don't have one for these times :)

and the feeling that it's just gotten ridiculous over behind the candoor as I don't find the time to catch up and continue (as I let stupid self-pathetic nobody cares thoughts creep in and leave the old diary dormant just cuz I really don't have the time to write and upload as I did before I started giving a couple of hours a day to the gym and a few extra hours a day to sleep)... I can really be so pathetic sometimes... any day now, I'll be laughing at how I was instead of merely mildly amused at how I am...

but living in the moment is still the primary focus, so I'm gonna let the muse visiting me tonight inspire me to write a bit more before I fall out and who knows, I might just enjoy myself now and tomorrow and forever (seems that's what I do anyway between momentary bouts of angst and fleeting glances of self-pity, which is why such moments of doubt or depression are so amusing to me)...

it's good you can't see that I am actually grinning or it might give you the impression that I don't take all this internal drama seriously...

if we're lucky this entry will slip right past without notice as so many of the deepest introspection entries do (especially over at btc or wherever), not that this is one such entry, actually... but there might be a touch of depth around somewhere if I paused, but with nobody around, what's the point... after all, I've been through it all with myself (shhhh, I mean I've still got lots to learn, right?)...

time for the semi-irreverent alas sigh: if only I wasn't the only one I amused at times like these, life would be a whole lot less lonely and more personally interesting, if not more intimate and fun...

so with John Denver (Seasons of the Heart) and The Moody Blues Seventh Sojourn and Blue Jays) and the Beatles and Meg & Dia serenading me in my head, I bid you a fond farewell for tonight and wander off into my own personal (and ever so solitary, thank you Eeyore) dreamland where the fun seldom ends and life is almost always a continuous bouncing YAY!...

g'nite, my faithful few... I love you :)


PS... I've decided to awaken a long sleeping garden and plant a seed there... perhaps it is a sign of more growth and inspiration, or perhaps it is merely narcissism disguised as abstract ecclectic correspondence... perspective is everything and hopefully, I will find a way to do what I meant to do there in the first place with that place - which is put personal words out there with as little presentation of perspective as possible so that a reader might create their own perspective and not assume the author's... if that makes any sense to ya :)

anyway, just cuz you know secrets others do not, the rebirth of Letters to the Night (which desperately needs some design help) begins with that message I mentioned above... I point in the general direction of the message... feel like you're in the inner circle now?... it helps if we pretend I'm famous and all that :)