tired, hungry, lonely, but happy (ironic?)
so I'm glancing up at the Science channel cuz I love to listen to the latest information about outer space that scientists discovery or ponder (almost as much as I love science fiction) and what do I see?... I see the birth of the universe and stars and a galaxy compared, quite visually and seductively (to my mind, at least) to the creation of a pizza... yes, pizza!... the Science Channel hates me...
we watched Ohio State defeat Georgetown today, yay... so they face Florida in the championship game Monday night... again, as they did in NCAA Football, it comes down to Ohio Stat vs. Florida... in football, Ohio State was the big favorite and was upset big time... in basketball, Florida will probably be a slight favorite... they are trying to be the first school in history to win the basketball championship for the second straight year after already winning the football championship in the same year in 2006... too bad I am not a fan of theirs, I'd be quite cheered, aye?... anyway, I hope Ohio State wins Monday...
just before the game we all went to dinner, my first dinner out in a month... and before that I took Precious for a fitting for her prom dress (and somehow laid out $200 to cover the balance due... I'll get it back eventually, along with a bunch more I occasionally remember I loaned Raspy a while back... I may never see the tens of thousands I loaned people in the 90s, but the few thousand I loaned in this decade should find it's way back to me eventually and it'll feel like a gift)...
meanwhile, I continue depriving my taste buds and body of the deliciousness of carbs in most forms... more than a month with minimal pasta (a couple of ounces of macaroni salad every few days), no Code Red (or any soda/pop), no cake, candy, ice cream, chocolate (yes, still no chocolate), or any pure sugar food... sigh... almost no potatos (two times I had fries) or rice or any high carb food... lots of protein cuz what else is there?...
I did treat myself to filet mignon tonight, though I've had better... I thank the animal and further accept that life is a compromise of ideals, but even as I realize this even more clearly than ever (one of the things that was occupying my mind today), I still refuse to comromise the energy level required to satisfy me in a physical relationship, so I still hold out for the relatively impossible dream (probably becoming more impossible with every pasing year) of, as Art Garfunkle sang, the right one...
I am still going to the gym (skipped just three nights, one was after 14 hours at Disney, one was at the peak of a UTI, one was cuz I went to a concert)... and I am sleeping a bit more and resting more (though seldom more than four hours at a shot) and this is why I am not writing as much here or anywhere... though I still play my foolish games, my quixotic dreams, the windmills of my mind continue to enchant and haunt and inspire and compel me... in other words, I did put a rhyme up at candora and another at myspace recently, in case you didn't notice...
I stepped away a bit... Precious just came home and picked up the mail and she got her acceptance letter to the Honors College of Florida, her first choice... we hugged and danced and YAYed and she called her best friend, Dreamer (who, by the way, got into a rather prestigious Arts college in North Carolina, her first choice too) and they YAYed and now she's online telling anyone still awake and probably posting it up on her myspace...
and I wistfully reminisce about dreams of a college life that I never knew... and a circle of lifelong friends that somehow have become long lost... and the hope that I may still rebuild a social life and the romatic life of my dreams while I can still actively enjoy it... all followed, of course, by an over-dramatic sigh (and silent giggle)...
and as if the universe was apologizing for the cosmic pizza connection (or giggling right along), there's Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail on the TV (we woke Rasputin to tell him the news, so the channel changed) and of course I know I don't know her so imagining she's the right one is pure fantasy, but she looks like the right one in the vision in my mind... along with a few dozen others... maybe... I wonder if it would be easier to find the right one if I was blind... I don't think so, because energy is so much more than a visual thing... anyway, at least they are not eating pizza...
so I am hungry and tired and lonely, but happy... and on that note, I shall wrap the big green chair around me and drift off into my dreams... nite nite world, wherever you are :)
we watched Ohio State defeat Georgetown today, yay... so they face Florida in the championship game Monday night... again, as they did in NCAA Football, it comes down to Ohio Stat vs. Florida... in football, Ohio State was the big favorite and was upset big time... in basketball, Florida will probably be a slight favorite... they are trying to be the first school in history to win the basketball championship for the second straight year after already winning the football championship in the same year in 2006... too bad I am not a fan of theirs, I'd be quite cheered, aye?... anyway, I hope Ohio State wins Monday...
just before the game we all went to dinner, my first dinner out in a month... and before that I took Precious for a fitting for her prom dress (and somehow laid out $200 to cover the balance due... I'll get it back eventually, along with a bunch more I occasionally remember I loaned Raspy a while back... I may never see the tens of thousands I loaned people in the 90s, but the few thousand I loaned in this decade should find it's way back to me eventually and it'll feel like a gift)...
meanwhile, I continue depriving my taste buds and body of the deliciousness of carbs in most forms... more than a month with minimal pasta (a couple of ounces of macaroni salad every few days), no Code Red (or any soda/pop), no cake, candy, ice cream, chocolate (yes, still no chocolate), or any pure sugar food... sigh... almost no potatos (two times I had fries) or rice or any high carb food... lots of protein cuz what else is there?...
I did treat myself to filet mignon tonight, though I've had better... I thank the animal and further accept that life is a compromise of ideals, but even as I realize this even more clearly than ever (one of the things that was occupying my mind today), I still refuse to comromise the energy level required to satisfy me in a physical relationship, so I still hold out for the relatively impossible dream (probably becoming more impossible with every pasing year) of, as Art Garfunkle sang, the right one...
I am still going to the gym (skipped just three nights, one was after 14 hours at Disney, one was at the peak of a UTI, one was cuz I went to a concert)... and I am sleeping a bit more and resting more (though seldom more than four hours at a shot) and this is why I am not writing as much here or anywhere... though I still play my foolish games, my quixotic dreams, the windmills of my mind continue to enchant and haunt and inspire and compel me... in other words, I did put a rhyme up at candora and another at myspace recently, in case you didn't notice...
I stepped away a bit... Precious just came home and picked up the mail and she got her acceptance letter to the Honors College of Florida, her first choice... we hugged and danced and YAYed and she called her best friend, Dreamer (who, by the way, got into a rather prestigious Arts college in North Carolina, her first choice too) and they YAYed and now she's online telling anyone still awake and probably posting it up on her myspace...
and I wistfully reminisce about dreams of a college life that I never knew... and a circle of lifelong friends that somehow have become long lost... and the hope that I may still rebuild a social life and the romatic life of my dreams while I can still actively enjoy it... all followed, of course, by an over-dramatic sigh (and silent giggle)...
and as if the universe was apologizing for the cosmic pizza connection (or giggling right along), there's Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail on the TV (we woke Rasputin to tell him the news, so the channel changed) and of course I know I don't know her so imagining she's the right one is pure fantasy, but she looks like the right one in the vision in my mind... along with a few dozen others... maybe... I wonder if it would be easier to find the right one if I was blind... I don't think so, because energy is so much more than a visual thing... anyway, at least they are not eating pizza...
so I am hungry and tired and lonely, but happy... and on that note, I shall wrap the big green chair around me and drift off into my dreams... nite nite world, wherever you are :)
Labels: choices, dreams, emo, energy, fantasy, fatigue, food, giggle, gym, home, hope, life, loneliness, memories, mtmm, pizza, romance, sigh, TV, yay
posted by candoor at 11:50 PM
3 Comments:
Ohmmmmmmmm.....I think I'm supposed to feel that in my hara...the creation of the universe and all that. I'll keep trying.
And reminiscing seems to be on my mind a lot these days. Too much of my college time wasted, spent repenting for things I never even got to do or enjoy before repenting for them.
Are you allowed dark chocolate, the kind that is supposed to have all the good and none of the bad?
Yay for Precious...Yay for Precious' friend. Go forth and do what college kids are supposed to do...just be yourself and don't let anyone else ever tell you who to be. And in the wise words of candyguru, love yourself and never ever be the judge of yourself. In the wise words of Z, follow your heart and it will never steer you wrong (though he will vehemently deny such words were evah uttered from his lips).
Happy Sunday, happy April fool's, happy spring, happy life.
Love, hugs, smiles and great big Yays!
yay, you're back :)
grumbles about missing a call again, timing for connecting hasn't been good lately, huh?... I didn't know I could call back, I'm always unsure of whether it's a good time and we've not caught up about what's happening in your daily life in a while...
it's not the chocolate, it's the sugar... I'm gonna explore making my own chocolate and fudge with sucralose one of these days when I decide to treat myself and return chocolate to my diet...
so far my will power is returning stronger than ever so whatever clicked in my head (even if it's as simple as the decision to take the physical life seriously again) seems to have clicked good this time (better than in many years) and I'm riding the wave...
the kidneys are straining, but the E.Coli seems to be much on the run and I'm continuing to push more each day... down 16 pounds since 3/3...
it is not easy to find a peaceful stability inside when you are struggling to find answers and control outside in life... your circumstances increase your challenge manyfold, but I believe you can find the strength and self-esteem to believe in yourself and actualize greater independencem which is a big step toward being your own answer, which is the beginning of the peace...
that's what I think anyway :)
thanks so much for stopping by and writing to me :)
hope today is a good day :)
I find myself sitting in pain tonight, it started really screaming at me about an hour ago, so I'm wasting some more time online trying to figure out if that will distract me from it, probably not.
Of course you can call me back..some times are better than others but that's what voice mail is for, and who knows, one of these times might just mean getting caught up after not talking for so long.
Pain is a teacher that's for sure, but right now I just feel like a baby who is just crying for it to go away; I don't really want any lessons tonight. I just wanna be back in that blissful moment of nothingness that happens every now and then...it's so easy for me to forget those moments when I'm in THESE moments. And so I'm babbling on in your comments section...I guess the self pity is reaching some heights tonight.
I recently saw a show on the Food Network about a chocolatier who makes good sugar-free chocolate, so I'm sure with you being a passionate chocophile you surely could come up with something wonderful.
A momentary lapse with some chicken strips...well, we all have those moments...but overall I'm happy to hear you are still caring enough to be making the attempt. And I knew I had your birthday right. Odd how some things stick in my mind with no effort and other things I cannot recall no matter how hard I try. You are April 6. Z is Novembah 5. See, just like that, easy as pie. Now if I could just remember to get the laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, I'll be all set.
So I guess the babble must come to a conclusion, as all good babbles must do eventually...or at least perhaps they must pause...
Anyway, smiles, hugs, love, and everything bouncy and joyous and wonderful be in your life this spring, this birthday, this year, this decade. :)
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