I think I am not as ambivalent as I feel
had there been anyone around in life around me to celebrate with, I'd probably have bounced around celebrating tonight, but Rasputin was asleep, Precious was working a show (Urinetown), work friends are work friends, and nobody else around here knows me... and it's not as if it's really major celebratory news (because they are getting me cheap), but I took the job...
Dick, my new direct boss and formerly known as the admin or administrator, did his homework and presented me with the Florida Hospital Association official report on salaries in the state for various positions... it's $350 for the report for accredited health care institutional members... it was more detailed than my monster dot com reports, but did not dispute the numbers I found... he also poured on the praise, appreciation, and above all else, honesty...
admitting that the facility never has paid market rates and probably never will was honesty I respect... what probably clinched it was his looking ahead and telling me that he'd hate to lose me, but if I wanted to go out to get more money in a couple of years, he'd support the move and recommend me highly... it did show me he took me seriously and was trying to convince me to take the job, but was realistic about what was best for my career if I was looking to advance in this field...
we also discussed training and he is going to pay for a lot of it in the next year... finally, before I said yes, we discussed the specific responsibilities of the job and a large chunck lf time consuming responsibility - the risk management grievance process, will be picked up by him and not me... removing that component from the job brought the annual salary average down almost $20K... so the fact that he finally offered just a few thousand below what I set as my previous bottom line (which incorporated the risk management and grievance responsibilities), was enough to satisfy me for he could have justified dropping his previous offer lower instead of raising it...
yeah, so all that mumbo jumbo means I will be the QA/PI person (a director level position, though the title may be manager or even coordinator for corporate financial purposes) and have one part time assistant (to be hired) to supervise (and train)... the best news was that all of the directors and my former peers, as well as most of the managers, were openly happy and even cheering after they heard I accepted... that felt good... and they expect me to make the place work better (I've never seen them so optimistic). so I hope to use their faith in my skills to motivate them to actually accept and follow through on changes cuz the bottom line is I can't make anything better, I can only suggest different ways they can work together to make the place better...
but what about the possible move out of Florida to try living in a new environment?... ah, there's the rub, aye?... it is possible that another area of the country would not make much difference, however having lived in several different parts of the country, I'd disagree... there are collective attitudes, levels of intelligence, awareness, social conscience, and perspective in any community...
and any way we dress it up, it is the south... the politics, the social priorities, the general perspective, and the confusion that gives Florida it's character is not where I belong... but the climate is where I belong... and having been offered more money and opportunity to stay, I choose to stay another year, more likely two, and now consider exploring going back to school again which would keep me here longer than that...
a bummer aspect of this is now the idea that I might connect with people on the net and become friendly enough to feel like I have friends and a support network if/when I move to a new area is much further from actualized reality than it was yesterday... loneliness sucks and my mindset, my perspective, and my personality leave me very lonely around here... I am just not a good old boy from the south, nor am I a hip transplanted northerner...
oh?... well what am I then?...
hmmm, words will fail, but let's see if I can find some... I am an open minded free thinking crazy kid, eclectic, progressive, mostly liberal (though most social categories are generally inaccurate for me), eccentric, curious, intense, cosmopolitan, creative dreamer... and I left out a hundred essential adjectives...
nevermind :)
it's great to have good news... it's great to feel supported and appreciated at work... it's great to finally be recognized for the skills and talents I have at work... it sucks that life outside of work is so devoid of people who share perspectives, interests, energy levels, talents and abilities, intimacies, or any truly meaningful contact other than the momentary sharing of simple daily life...
so I am celebrating all by myself, cheering and yipping and beaming about one part of life that consumed 40-50 hours a week, almost 50% of my awake time in this life... and I am feeling good about myself, professionally and personally on some levels... and I am lamenting the loss of opportunity that changing locations could bring... and I am feeling lonely in the other 50% of awake time in this life...
it was about this moment in RealTime™ that Precious came out of her room looking emotional... turns out she just watched the entire show Bare on youtube and fell in love with it (her best friend and others from her high school are supposed be starring in the show in the Spring)... so I listend and then found the libretto online for her and put it into word and formatted it and sent it to work so I can print it out for them (I have no printer)... long show, 69 pages, 30-something songs... she's a happy camper...
and now, the end is near (still doing it my way, aye?) and I suppose I've chewed through the ambivalence no matter how it appears in words cuz I am a happy camper too, lonely for an in-space best friend who's really into what i'm into and has the time and energy to share the personal life, but a happy camper... and somewhere inside I am excited about the new challenges at work... and who knows, when I see my first paycheck in August I just might rush out and buy a new computer...
I did treat myself to a feast for dinner tonight :)
treat yourself good too, ok? :)
Dick, my new direct boss and formerly known as the admin or administrator, did his homework and presented me with the Florida Hospital Association official report on salaries in the state for various positions... it's $350 for the report for accredited health care institutional members... it was more detailed than my monster dot com reports, but did not dispute the numbers I found... he also poured on the praise, appreciation, and above all else, honesty...
admitting that the facility never has paid market rates and probably never will was honesty I respect... what probably clinched it was his looking ahead and telling me that he'd hate to lose me, but if I wanted to go out to get more money in a couple of years, he'd support the move and recommend me highly... it did show me he took me seriously and was trying to convince me to take the job, but was realistic about what was best for my career if I was looking to advance in this field...
we also discussed training and he is going to pay for a lot of it in the next year... finally, before I said yes, we discussed the specific responsibilities of the job and a large chunck lf time consuming responsibility - the risk management grievance process, will be picked up by him and not me... removing that component from the job brought the annual salary average down almost $20K... so the fact that he finally offered just a few thousand below what I set as my previous bottom line (which incorporated the risk management and grievance responsibilities), was enough to satisfy me for he could have justified dropping his previous offer lower instead of raising it...
yeah, so all that mumbo jumbo means I will be the QA/PI person (a director level position, though the title may be manager or even coordinator for corporate financial purposes) and have one part time assistant (to be hired) to supervise (and train)... the best news was that all of the directors and my former peers, as well as most of the managers, were openly happy and even cheering after they heard I accepted... that felt good... and they expect me to make the place work better (I've never seen them so optimistic). so I hope to use their faith in my skills to motivate them to actually accept and follow through on changes cuz the bottom line is I can't make anything better, I can only suggest different ways they can work together to make the place better...
but what about the possible move out of Florida to try living in a new environment?... ah, there's the rub, aye?... it is possible that another area of the country would not make much difference, however having lived in several different parts of the country, I'd disagree... there are collective attitudes, levels of intelligence, awareness, social conscience, and perspective in any community...
and any way we dress it up, it is the south... the politics, the social priorities, the general perspective, and the confusion that gives Florida it's character is not where I belong... but the climate is where I belong... and having been offered more money and opportunity to stay, I choose to stay another year, more likely two, and now consider exploring going back to school again which would keep me here longer than that...
a bummer aspect of this is now the idea that I might connect with people on the net and become friendly enough to feel like I have friends and a support network if/when I move to a new area is much further from actualized reality than it was yesterday... loneliness sucks and my mindset, my perspective, and my personality leave me very lonely around here... I am just not a good old boy from the south, nor am I a hip transplanted northerner...
oh?... well what am I then?...
hmmm, words will fail, but let's see if I can find some... I am an open minded free thinking crazy kid, eclectic, progressive, mostly liberal (though most social categories are generally inaccurate for me), eccentric, curious, intense, cosmopolitan, creative dreamer... and I left out a hundred essential adjectives...
nevermind :)
it's great to have good news... it's great to feel supported and appreciated at work... it's great to finally be recognized for the skills and talents I have at work... it sucks that life outside of work is so devoid of people who share perspectives, interests, energy levels, talents and abilities, intimacies, or any truly meaningful contact other than the momentary sharing of simple daily life...
so I am celebrating all by myself, cheering and yipping and beaming about one part of life that consumed 40-50 hours a week, almost 50% of my awake time in this life... and I am feeling good about myself, professionally and personally on some levels... and I am lamenting the loss of opportunity that changing locations could bring... and I am feeling lonely in the other 50% of awake time in this life...
it was about this moment in RealTime™ that Precious came out of her room looking emotional... turns out she just watched the entire show Bare on youtube and fell in love with it (her best friend and others from her high school are supposed be starring in the show in the Spring)... so I listend and then found the libretto online for her and put it into word and formatted it and sent it to work so I can print it out for them (I have no printer)... long show, 69 pages, 30-something songs... she's a happy camper...
and now, the end is near (still doing it my way, aye?) and I suppose I've chewed through the ambivalence no matter how it appears in words cuz I am a happy camper too, lonely for an in-space best friend who's really into what i'm into and has the time and energy to share the personal life, but a happy camper... and somewhere inside I am excited about the new challenges at work... and who knows, when I see my first paycheck in August I just might rush out and buy a new computer...
I did treat myself to a feast for dinner tonight :)
treat yourself good too, ok? :)
Labels: appreciation, changes, choices, corporate bull, emo, high, home, hope, Ideas For Industry, irreverence, jig, loneliness, missing, mtmm, real, serious, sigh, smile, work, yay
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
5 Comments:
Candoor, You're in exactly the right place, psychologically and emotionally, to attract what you want in your personal life. I just know it. You are excited right now. It shows in your writing. That is what other people of like mind will find alluring. I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway, just enjoy. Just revel. Just drink in the newness and the promise that you have in your life with this new path. Focus on that. Don't allow yourself to mull over what you feel may be lacking. Now is the time to just "be" in the essence of the moment. If you can sustain this state of mind and emotion, everything else will fall into place.
wow, I really like your attitude and perspective :)
and I hope you understand the next thought (that was the first thought about me, the subject of your comment, and your words about me:
you should have met me when I wasn't depressed :)
in time, I'd like you to know me well enough to truly understand what I mean by that... simply (in words that hold only intellectual conceptualization and not actual sensory experiential meaning, if you know what I mean), from my own self-assessments and the reports of all those who have known me over the years: on the 'bell-curve' scale of normalcy for humans, these days I am usually considered extremely bouncy, energetic, optimistic, idealistic, free, fearless, peaceful, secure, and happy... but that's when compared to others...
I know that I am not anywhere near the high points of myself when compared to my own 'bell-curve' of highs and lows in this life, in fact, for me, I am depressed...
it's weird to be the bounciest happiest most secure person I know at a personal low point in life, if that makes sense... in fact, it's downright depressing (and yet amusing as it makes no sense to most people and so much sense to me)...
it's all about perspective and more easily experienced than explained...
all that said, thank you for appreciating me as I am and seeing the joy and pleasure I feel :)
life is still a blissful party for me, in spite of not being as high as I've known myself to be in the past...
again, it's all about perspective...
again, I really like yours :)
lol Candoor, sounds like promotion
Pay rise and 'director' level
You'll have the gals falling at your feet - who knows maybe all you need is a midlife crisis sportscar - gosh I hear you get some great deals in the USA.
ok ok having a hot rod may not mean that much in Florida, but cruising in a convertible is bound to make you feel good, and it don't have to be brand new, buy second hand (you know a disposable a throwaway) - just good enough to get you round the block on a sunny day.
But aye if you wanna shed the pounds and not look like a beached whale in a pink caddy - you gonna have to hunger and lust for something more (and not comfort food) - you know roller blade down those florida beaches ...
I'm tempted to go there for a break someday, even if it is retirement ville - there must still be plenty of young(er) people servicing the industry
I don't want anyone at my feet, I want someone in my head :)
yeah, the job answers to only the top Admin in the hospital, so it is executive level, even though they do not want to use the executive management words because they would need to pay more...
I know too well what money and lifestyle attracts, I lived it for a while. I had the luxury of not working and living very comfortably through most of the early 1990s. I want no part of the hangers-on that come round for a free meal.
I love the beaches, but the population is generally way too superficial to satisfy me.
As for the weight, it continues to dissolve and as of the 11th I had 4 pounds to go to reach my first goal (180). Probably another 10 pounds after that before I decide if I want to drop more.
I am not ready for a mid-life crisis yet, I am still going through my second childhood for the umpteenth time :)
second childhood is probably a good place to be
twenty something or
thirty something
is where I'm at - AGAIN & again - lol!
I didn't mean you need to have a midlife crisis, I meant that like those people who go thru a midlife crisis and get a sports car and a new younger(model) wife - it may be one way to go >>> putting oneself outhere so to speak.
Though I'd have thought healthcare in Florida must be full of women nurses & doctors and even admin, just dying to get in your head and need your help in IT
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