mondaynia

it's the place I go on Mondays cuz I obviously am not here or anywhere on the map... I drag myself to work, usually having gotten at best 4 hours sleep (often less) cuz I just have this strange habit of not wanting to let the weekend end... I stare at the computer all day (probably get more work done than most other days cuz I am too much of a zombie to allow socialization or any distraction to distract me)... I come home and eat, sometimes, usually a salad or something light... then lately I turn on the Sci-Fi channel to watch reruns of Enterprise for four hours cuz I never watched it when it was on... I did intend to head out tonight for a little while, but aziness took over... and even though I enjoy the show, I nodded off somewhere into the first or second episode and probably would have happily slept all night, but being in Mondaynia often brings with it strange awakenings...

and the body obviously did not want to sleep through the night because along about the time I would be pushing myself into high gear at the gym, I woke with twinging feet muscles and had to stand and stretch out some powerful foot cramps... it's painfully funny when toes and foot muscles think they have a mind of their own and start arguning over which way they should pull the many bones in the foot...

I try to keep my salt intake down cuz I seem to be developing increasingly higher blood pressure for some reason as this body creeps toward senility and try not to eat heavy on Mondays cuz I know it's often the laziest most restful day of the week (by default)... so I ate salad and tuna and some granola and a banana... not enough salt?... I dunno, but something sent a mixed message signal to me feet muscles to wake me up... unfortunately, it's painful when the feet start dancing from the inside, ya know?...

so here I am, awake when I ought to be catching up on sleep... I glance at the phone and wonder who might be awake at this hour, but I am so in an un-phone mood of late, I haven't actually called anyone in weeks... ATT suddenly charging for text messages (changing my contract in mid stream... they swallowed up Bellsouth and now act just like Ma Bell used to, you know, we're the phone company and we don't give a damn cuz we don't have to... ah, thank you Lily... anyway, I convinced them that the $4000 a year they get from me might be worth giving me a fair deal, so they are basically giving me a 1% discount on my annual bill by giving me 100 free text messages each month... that's a far cry from my unlimited messages and after 100, they are ten cents a piece, so I am mad at the phone...

it's always something here in Mondaynia...

so meanwhile, I'll be wide awake at 4am again if this keeps up (and we know what can happen then... sappy sentiment and dreams of romance in rhymes... hey, it's better than a pity-party (though I do want to kind finish the lands of the mostly dead one of these days cuz they were supposed to be the long and winding road back to rebirth again like I did after amy... you do recall I am a lifetime member of aa, right?... yes, that's lower case aa, after amy, cuz it amuses me to stay in love long after the... hmmmm, it's still thrill, so another metaphor... long after the sharing ends... yes, that's it... we shall be friend, long after the sharing ends)...

where were we?...

ah yes, deciding between food and sleep... the body isn't cooperating with sleep, but then, the food idea is probably coming more from loneliness and a sensual hunger than any real nutritional need... I could masturbate, but then, I won't mention that here as there might be children in the audience and our prudish culture teaches sex is evil and should not be discussed or enjoyed, even... besides, the loneliness is a whole lot deeper than the physical sensual (and a whole lot more challenging to satisfy)... ah, see what happens when I am really supposed to be sleeping?...

what?...

if there was pizza in the house I would so eat it (yes, so eat it, I'm a cool kid, cha)... I think something may be seriously wrong with me though, cuz I'm not craving chocolate lately... maybe I am dying...

soeaking of death, I have to be at the Nephrologist at 8:30 in the morning so I can find out what, if anything, they learned from the MRI of my abdomen and kidneys... logic says it's not anything time-sensitive cuz nobody called to tell me any bad news and it's been more than a month since I laid under that jackhammer machine...

then work, where I really need to get some of my work done (Friday and today I did the PI person's job)... then maybe a nap and then maybe the gym and the Harry Potter movie if I feel like dropping $50... and another $50 for tickets to All Shook Up cuz the star is a great kid with a great voice who's the lead at Precious's high school... and then there's the $150 I laid out for Warped Tour tickets... won't somebody come along who doesn't mind paying their own way (and can)?... I'm grumbling about money again, huh?...

well, it isn't quite 4am yet, so the mind will go where it will go... Britney Spears is on TV at the moment... Precious went to bed and I'm not sure where the remotew is... V For Vendetta was on again earlier when I got home from work... I think Rasputin has a major crush on Natalie Portman cuz he watches that movie whenever it's on... she's one of my favorite actress too (and yeah, a Libbo top ten too), but I love the story as much as the eye candy... ideas are bulletproof...

I have not slowed down in a long time...

no wonder my BP is on the rise and I'm lonely lately, there's less down time than ever before as I work the 9-5 corporate life and keep running (running on empty?... don't know Jackson, nobody's checked the oil or read the gas gauge in a long long time and there's an old song by a favorite Linda who does the lonely song so well... still must be a prisoner in disguise, dear desperado)...

I suppose I might have called this entry fun with emo as I do have playing drama queen in words now and then (wanna read my old letters?... hey, what can I say, I love laughing at myself and easily amuse myself by creating emotional roller coasters that I can ride, if only in my mind, cuz girls just wanna have fun, ya know?)... I suppose I really do need a keeper cuz I'm just a wild and crazy (shhhh, really innocent vulnerable sensitive gullible) kid and who knows what sort of trouble I'm liable to get into if I come out of my written gardens again...

and as the 4am hour approaches as we leave the land of Mondaynia, thoughts move along to cuddling and sharing a comfortable body with a comfortable body in front of a favorite old movie or an exciting new movie and then to fall asleep to some favorite music and dream of the next passionate inspiration (like a concert or theatre or marathon or scruptious meal or walk through a virgin forest or seldom traveled field of wild flowers or even harmonize, perhaps) that we can share...

it's been so long sing I really sang and heard my voice...

ah, it's life as I know it, wanting to believe somebody can save me, knowing nobody can save anybody but themselves, and more, knowing I've never really been dependant on anyone in this life (in spite of sincere and valient efforts that, unfortunately, ended rather badly)... weakness and self-pity and insecurity repulse me, security and confidence and happiness attracts me, yet fakeness kills everything and I don't know if anybody has the guts to really be real in our plastic sound-byte culture... I'm probably more fake than I'd ever believe I could become because it's not just accepted, it's demanded in this culture... so somewhere inside, where I am most real, most of me has long accepted being alone and happy in my head, but there's still that fairy tale dream that teases me with it's happily ever after every now and then, kind of like a heartbeat...

it's a blessing and a curse to be four years old forever...

but mostly blessing :)