irony and introspection

you blinked and another entry pops up, aye?... yeah, well, as inconsistent and self-destructive as i can be at times (like in the last few years), I choose to stay alive (as long as i have a choice) because there are so many things in this life that i enjoy… though i have not, in this life, attracted people who enjoy as much as i do… in fact, too often, i attract people who don't seem to enjoy much or who enjoy sitting around and watching TV or sleeping more than anything else… must be my own lazy streak, which can be quite wide and strong… but i much prefer a balance and i don't seem to attract balanced people… i suppose i might attract more active people if i was more active myself… daily exercise, it's still the same old story…

working nights for years and then living with someone who works nights certainly does not help… and living with two people who never exercise does not help at all either… the living environment does play a role in my lack of motivation and laziness, not to mention my inner misery lingering like a dark cloud always ready, willing, and all too able to squash any motivation to jump around and replace it with apathetic solitary self-indulgence (like taste bud heaven, for instance)… thing is, enjoying solitary life experiences leaves me modestly happy (and alas, often bouncing around with glee) with the simplest things (like a piece of chocolate or favorite foods or a moving film or the music that reaches my core or, as you may have noticed, babbling… yes, this babbling i do here entertains me enough to stay home way more than is good for a balanced social life…

so i lament often enough about loneliness and the missing pleasures that require two or more in this life, but much more often outside of the words, i am grinning at the experiences, mostly solitary, life offers… i probably enjoy the solitary experiences too much and therefore am not as desperate or hungry for sharing as i once was… the burns, the betrayals and disappointments and unsatisfying sharings i've known in this life definitely do not help to motivate me to go out and trust people more, but i do go out a whole lot more lately than i used to… four, five, sometimes six nights a week… and i've only spent one or two weekends at home in the past two months… i suppose i simply must be more patient and hopeful…

more hope for finding compatible physical world friends, no less intimate friends, waned to it's lowest ebb in this past decade… with good reason, for the intellectual logic center of the brain, but sadly, for the first time in this life i may actually be hearing heart-sounds that ask is it worth it?… is it a haunting though ought to be long gone?... the question may be not so much who will understand or even if anyone could, but who might stimulate me to believe it is time to take the time to re-explore history and re-evaluate my perspective on love, romance, intimacy, trust, and sharing in this life… heavy stuff, but who has the time, aye?...

we are obviously in an introspective phase, for as long as it may last… a few entries or a few years, the hope is that it lasts for as long as it takes to pass through it with resolution and renewed hope and a way to return to the balance i enjoy most… i think that solitary introspection is starting to bore me, so i don't put my heart into it and therein do not resolve whatever changes would be best for me… so i lament about nobody caring in the physical world and that gets me nowhere cuz the lament is not as much fun as it used to be… dang if the creative muse isn't in a funk, aye?...

but hey, it's not nearly as bleak as it may appear (especially through depressed eyes, which are pretty much the norm for humanity), so fret not… hopefully i'll bump into someone compatible with me one of these days and all this wishy washy flip floppy loneliness lament and mindless self-indulgence and self-destructive imbalanced habits will be a thing of the past, or shared, at least… and for better or worse (whether anybody sees it or not), my self-amusement continues…

i am now going to leave the bags of garbage cluttering up the dining area and living room in this lethargic living space and head off to the freethinkers meetup party that is out in the woods somewhere at someone's house about an hour away… going late, but heck, going…

I was counting on Rasputin bringing home food for the party because when we signed up he said he would so i didn't plan for anything and sure enough, as is so often the case, he tells me the night before that he doesn't have the money and decides he's not going to the party… meetup frowns on last minute cancellations because, after all, the parties and events depend upon people showing up and doing their part… it's not the first time he took a meetup spot that someone else could not take and i must apologize when i get to the meetup because he isn't going to show…. and i have to buy something because there's no time to make something homemade, which is what the party is about… his work schedule and couch potato habits get in the way again, but my mistake is including him on my meetup confirmations… from now on i am not going to ask and if he wants to sign up for meetup up, he's a big boy and can do it himself…

and there we have the reason i sat down to write instead of heading to the party earlier, i;m bugged by being set up to have to apologize to a group for the unreliability of someone else again... just as i apologize to the group for not offering to have any meetups in this space because it's such a mess... but hey, i'm not feeling sorry for myself and giving up the party like i gave up the snow evening last night (though sleep did feel wonderful for a change, so last night was well worth skipping one and i didn't say i would be there, i left it as a maybe)... so that's the way it must be, separation from the laziness and the mess and the habits at home and bounce on out on my own with hope for changes that will provide more meaningful social life and more fun...

i hope you guys have fun too (and if you want more emocentric entries, just look back {below} at what's been flowing the past few days, aye?)...

fun fun fun, no T-bird necessary :)