almost waking dreams

the ones that inspire catharsis, emotion, deep thought, enlightenment, laughter, tears, and the feeling of being alive... these are the movies and songs and arts and crafts and activities and experiences and things that i can call my favorites and to narrow any sort of list to less than a hundred in any specific category or genre is a waste of time unless someone is doing it with me for the fun of it or even better, for the sharing and learning and loving and potential intimacy of it…

but that's another time (thank you harry) and place…

and i woke early, still sleepy, but too awake to fall back deeply so i came to write and communicate but there is no one around so i just write and leave the words for posterity, or you, if you have the time and care to pay attention… i could step out into the 40 degree temperatures and run, but there may be (and ought to be) a bit more sleep ahead before the sun rises, especially since i have a movie tonight and will try to make it to a run on Wednesday evening and then softball on Thursday and then, the weekend again and i've been busy every day and night the last few weekends in spite of the lack of energy in this space, so rest and most especially sleep is a very excellent idea… i fell asleep before 11pm last night, which is exceptionally early for me… so i am semi-awake, but may close my eyes and drift off for another hour any moment now…

and in moments like these

i miss you most in moments like these
when i wake and wish to cuddle and coo
old-fashioned, maybe, or just emo, you know
it doesn't matter what anyone thinks
or what it's called
i miss you missed in moments like these
and that is all

and yet i wonder if i will ever again find the comfort in another that i find in myself or even come close enough to trust another as unconditionally as i have in the past in this life… or will i remain alone again, naturally, forever… i remember the sharing well… and smiling tears bring cathartic breaths to waking dreams…

yes, i know, there is too much… too many different thoughts in most entries… too much information… most of the humor is drowned in the words… most of the detail is swamped by the plethora of, well, more detail… it's a self-defeating cycle for the child who babbles who wants conversation, who wants interaction, who wants receipt and reciprocation and acknowledgement and communication… this is why i should keep the entries to a single topic, a single paragraph, even, for anything beyond the first thought is often lost in the waves of distracting asides…

just like the branches on the tree of madness…

and speaking of different thoughts, the voluntary human extinction movement is making more sense to me with each passing year… and it very well could be that in spite of my dreams and desires i've always felt were my deepest, there may be an even deeper calling inside of me that cares even more for a bigger picture approach and understands the universe a lot better than even i let on in even my most profound babbles… or this could simply be painting the target around where the arrow lands…

a wild few hours of continuous mindless sex, on the other hand, would be wonderful…

and yet i wonder if i will ever again find the turn on in another that i find in myself or even come close enough to want another as uncontrollably as i have in the past in this life… or will i remain alone again, physically, forever… or will i settle for compromise… and wistful sighs bring patient smiles to sleepy dreams…

so many words poured out in the few moments i woke this morning and they seeped into all sorts of openings still breathing (or bleeding?... or watering) the written gardens… and yet i wonder when will the right one come along… looking for the right one, right Art?... cuz it's all i ever needed, right Elton and Bernie did too, right Harry?... it's just a song for myself, after all…

just like all these words…

g'morn :)