a night at home

it's apparent to me now that when i feel like making an announcement to the world, i find myself over at myspace writing to, well, the world… here i write to my small circle of imaginary friends, and you, of course, so the flavor is very different, even when the intent is not purely conscious… for instance (as if this might be some sort of example), I will mention Poultrygeist here, thought perhaps not with the same enthusiasm as i did the first time at my myspace tonight, because i am still amused and excited about it because someone i know gave me the promo karaoke CD and she is the director's girlfriend, which makes the idea of the film even more fun than it would be if it was just some odd film that happened across my view…

i took a night off from the wild and crazy merry-go-round social life because the meetup i was going to go to, a Lebanese restaurant, was cancelled at the last minute… i suppose i could have gone there anyway and seen if anyone who didn't get the cancellation email showed up, but instead, i stayed a work late to catch up on some stuff and headed home, cooked some food, turned on the tv, and started doing laundry… laundry is gonna take a while… so i popped in Fargo and Into The Wild and finally watched them (cuz they've been out way too long from the video store, along with four others) and did some laundry and watched some videos and ate some food between naps… it's morning already and i hardly got any writing done (and all the wild horses in the sun too)…

i've got to remember to stop off at work when i wake up later this afternoon cuz my phone charger is at work and it won't last the weekend (might die during the next call)… speaking of phones, mine rang some time before midnight and i answered an unknown number and on the other end of the phone was a vaguely familiar voice asking me about my roots, knowing where i was a little kid, and before long i realized i was talking to my high school best friend and oh what a rush that was… this might stir up a rush of some of the best memories of this life if i give it half a chance (and the time), but the time… might not take the time…

of course if someone was sitting here asking between the fun and games and cuddles and kisses, i could probably get motivated to hop off the merry-go-round long enough to, well, do just about anything… but that's the difference in motivations for me in this life… alone, i seek no direction, no plan, no limits, just living the life and being wherever i am… enjoying the moment and the experience of everything… i can spend years wandering the depths of emotion and philosophy and imagination or i can live in the moment like a leaf on the wind… anything goes… it is vastly different for me when i bond with a partner… then, anything goes, but only if it's a mutual choice… and i can share any adventure happily or just sit and hold each other forever…

and at the end of Into the Wild the philosophy of the solitary traveler enjoying the freedom of the road that the main character and story sells throughout breaks down to the human belief that happiness is not real unless it is shared, which is, of course, why man created god (in the first place)… and i ponder the pros and cons of the human belief systems and the built in excuses and weaknesses and the whitewashed truths and flat out lies and wonder why in the world i'd ever want to play this silly joke on myself of spending years trying to actually be human all by myself when the whole point of being human is sharing…

maybe cuz i am leaving it out here until someone else gets it too as i do…

so morning has broken and the washing machine and dryer continue to turn turn turn and somehow i am not in the mood for Sweeney Todd which is the only video left of the six way overdue vids that i have not seen and maybe it is time for a little music since i have dozens of unopened CDs sitting next to the big green chair cuz i have not made time to sit here and open them in at least a month (how strange is that, bro?), partly because the USB hub burned out a while back in an electrical storm and i do not remember to buy another one when i am out and about…

the wise move now would be to sleep, since i do have plans for this evening and if i fall out now i can get eight solid hours… one more load to switch to the dryer… a few more loads still wait on the floor of my room, but not before sleep… maybe later this weekend since there's no more softball on Sunday, alas… time to drag my lazy butt to the gym more…. and where is the in-my-face motivator?... nothing but scared little kids and lazy old farts (and vice versa) around me…

ah, the sweet nodding off occurred several times during this entry, but never more sweet than during that last paragraph as i was asking where is the in-my-face motivator... i so love that, because that is the question i want to leave out here hanging most of all from a personal (selfish) perspective...

whenever i spend a night at home, the question rises to the top of my mind... where are you... where are you now, first love of mine to play the Moody Blues - and i know you're out there somewhere which leads us to why i am here...