why i blog
and perhaps continuing the thought from the previous entry in some way, this is still the place i come to make announcements to my imaginary friends, which is so weird… my psyche wants to believe we are connected, all of us, and especially all the friends i've known in this life and this RealTime™ blog, like previous semi-similar public writing spaces since the internet came along, is my way of actualizing the dream… for me it is not just a dream, it is a feeling as real as any feeling can be… this writing on a relatively daily basis is my way of actualizing the feeling… i am here, caring about you, hoping you are caring about me, sharing as much as words allow across the distance, relatively all the time… the caring, the love, is a continuous stream of emotional energy i feel and send out silently – all the time – and hopefully regularly in words…
i love being an actualized dreamer as much as i can be and here we are, doing it, caring for real… and the words become physical actions whenever we can connect through them, through voice, and ultimately, finding our way to be in the same space…
i am told by many that they do not want their stuff out here in public… when i leave messages (called shouts at meetup, for instance), sometimes i am asked to communicate through email or by phone rather than by a public message that others can see if they are interested in looking at someone's profile… i respect the request, but i rarely understand it… i have nothing to hide… i am out here in this life to share myself… i know i mean no harm and have confidence in my ability to do that… i would like for everyone (yes, the whole world) to know me because then my truest most compatible simpatico friends would emerge from the billions of people living on the planet… sharing time and space (and words) with the few who understand me most is the most fun live can be for me…
so that's why i continue, even though there are only a few of you finding me here (and acknowledging it)… and now that i am spending most of my time going out locally, i come here with even more hope that people might want to make the time to find me here and get to know me better so we, compatible simpatico friends, can know we exist… there is only so much that can be shared in a few minute (or even a few hour conversation)… these words lead to thousands of pages of the method to my madness, reflections of my imagination, ponderings of this life, vulnerabilities, hopes, fears, pleasures, pains, glorious flights and pathetic self-burials… the words i pour out on to the web may present an enigma, an eclectic array of personalities and playful personae, however there is some part of me in almost (and i do think it is almost cuz there are times i use the web as a storage place for something i want to see or share again with you – you now, you from the past, or you from tomorrow that will be a new now when you get here) everything i upload to the web…
i love conversation… i love listening and reading as much as i love babbling on myself (actually, more, especially when compatible simpatico happens… and that is so rare for me, i've almost forgotten what it feels like… that is what i get out of all this writing, remembering what it feels like, expressing and therein actualizing the feeling of the dream even when i do not have a truly deeply intimately compatible simpatico person in my physical world… words are my way to what most call god, if you get that… while i believe most people create a god in order to feel they are sharing with someone even when they are apparently alone in immediate space and time, i believing in the hope that all these words represent to me… my cosmic holy illusion is right here, know me, share you, we are not alone…
heavy or not, ready or not, agree or not, my blind faith in this actualized concept is stronger than any faith anyone has ever offered to express or share with me… maybe cuz i am more stubborn than anyone i've ever met… and for those who understand and feel they are as secure in their own, we can discuss the experiences we've known that prove our willingness to live and/or die, however insane we may have seemed at the time, and with hope and respect, through mutual choice (and maybe my most radical perspective is that i believe everyone can make this choice no matter what they have been told or believe), reinforce our respective beliefs in our ways…
so this entry hopefully helps express why i am out here… why i blog… and the concept of finding a calendar that can become my most real time blog of all comes closer to clarify in my mind… if you know of one, a calendar that can be used online to link to other pages, let me know… if i like the presentation, it would likely become my primary personal portal for friends and people who really want to know me, meet me, and discuss who we are and whether we are truly compatible simpatico enough to start down the endless path toward become true friends…
cool? :)
there's always hope :)
i love being an actualized dreamer as much as i can be and here we are, doing it, caring for real… and the words become physical actions whenever we can connect through them, through voice, and ultimately, finding our way to be in the same space…
i am told by many that they do not want their stuff out here in public… when i leave messages (called shouts at meetup, for instance), sometimes i am asked to communicate through email or by phone rather than by a public message that others can see if they are interested in looking at someone's profile… i respect the request, but i rarely understand it… i have nothing to hide… i am out here in this life to share myself… i know i mean no harm and have confidence in my ability to do that… i would like for everyone (yes, the whole world) to know me because then my truest most compatible simpatico friends would emerge from the billions of people living on the planet… sharing time and space (and words) with the few who understand me most is the most fun live can be for me…
so that's why i continue, even though there are only a few of you finding me here (and acknowledging it)… and now that i am spending most of my time going out locally, i come here with even more hope that people might want to make the time to find me here and get to know me better so we, compatible simpatico friends, can know we exist… there is only so much that can be shared in a few minute (or even a few hour conversation)… these words lead to thousands of pages of the method to my madness, reflections of my imagination, ponderings of this life, vulnerabilities, hopes, fears, pleasures, pains, glorious flights and pathetic self-burials… the words i pour out on to the web may present an enigma, an eclectic array of personalities and playful personae, however there is some part of me in almost (and i do think it is almost cuz there are times i use the web as a storage place for something i want to see or share again with you – you now, you from the past, or you from tomorrow that will be a new now when you get here) everything i upload to the web…
i love conversation… i love listening and reading as much as i love babbling on myself (actually, more, especially when compatible simpatico happens… and that is so rare for me, i've almost forgotten what it feels like… that is what i get out of all this writing, remembering what it feels like, expressing and therein actualizing the feeling of the dream even when i do not have a truly deeply intimately compatible simpatico person in my physical world… words are my way to what most call god, if you get that… while i believe most people create a god in order to feel they are sharing with someone even when they are apparently alone in immediate space and time, i believing in the hope that all these words represent to me… my cosmic holy illusion is right here, know me, share you, we are not alone…
heavy or not, ready or not, agree or not, my blind faith in this actualized concept is stronger than any faith anyone has ever offered to express or share with me… maybe cuz i am more stubborn than anyone i've ever met… and for those who understand and feel they are as secure in their own, we can discuss the experiences we've known that prove our willingness to live and/or die, however insane we may have seemed at the time, and with hope and respect, through mutual choice (and maybe my most radical perspective is that i believe everyone can make this choice no matter what they have been told or believe), reinforce our respective beliefs in our ways…
so this entry hopefully helps express why i am out here… why i blog… and the concept of finding a calendar that can become my most real time blog of all comes closer to clarify in my mind… if you know of one, a calendar that can be used online to link to other pages, let me know… if i like the presentation, it would likely become my primary personal portal for friends and people who really want to know me, meet me, and discuss who we are and whether we are truly compatible simpatico enough to start down the endless path toward become true friends…
cool? :)
there's always hope :)
Labels: aye?, blogs, candora, choices, colors, dreams, excitement, heart, hope, life, love, meetup, mtmm, myspace, naked, reading, real, smile, writing, you
posted by candoor at 5:42 PM
2 Comments:
I guess I'm kinda finding myself blogging on other blogs and it is kind of funny how you do get this sort of connecting thing, even if it is only in your own head with imaginary friends, but still, there's something about words on a screen that do sort of cut through some stuff that normally happens when people are in the same room.
Good for you for holding out hope that being "naked" through words might just bring that special someone into your life some day. It isn't any more or less of a way to hope than hoping to bump into that someone at a local meetup, and besides, you get a few imaginary friends in the bargain too.
Thank you for the continuation of you words. I do think it takes courage, courage not everyone has (myself included), so my respect and admiration to you for being so "you" with your words.
Yay for winning at softball :)
(It would have been Yay if you lost too cuz the Yay is really about getting out there and having fun and being with people and playing and having fun...and, you just never know who you might bump into after all).
yes dear friend, our conversations are real and more than the words written on the web, which fills in much of the imagined trust... the more that is shared, the less the faith is blind... and still, every trust must contain a large portion of blind faith to be complete...
there are others out there, my hope suggests, who read without telling, who care to know about me without wanting me to know they are there... these are the imaginary friends i hope to meet again someday...
and new friends i've yet to meet, imaginary still, but hope makes them real in my mind...
the hope that connections bridge the gapo between words and offline life, as z has, as i hope locals might, that is the near deepest hope for the blogs...
the deepest, of course, it the one from the first to the last, find me again and again...
what is most real here are you few who comment, who read and interact through words... often i express my appreciation, but as your comments continue, so does my appreciation, anew with each new post, with each new word...
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