what i mean to say was

long after midnight into wednesday morning, i find the entry i started over the weekend, or was that monday, and here we go for whatever worth it provides... the previous entries are available too, just in case you feel like you missed something... hope all is well...

meanwhile, speaking (were we?) of coming and visiting here in realtime (wait, did i miss something?... did you?... is this just a literary thing, technique, fancy word i don't recall at the moment?, i miss you people out there (seriously, i do, i miss your words, conversations, all that i believe to be you)... i hope you are living happy days and nights and finding fun and rewarding experiences... and no guilt or any negative feeling about not commenting, ok?... just want you to know you are loved and appreciated and missed :)

did i already say that?... post that?... somewhere?... over the rainbow?... well, i meant what i wrote and i wwrote what i meant and i never did see horton, so what telling tale does that bit of information suggest... alas, she's not here, i'm just barely here, but that's life these days... and a wise old indian once told me:

Beware leaving yourself vulnerable because just when you start getting going for a moment it all becomes too real, all the thoughts will disappear, and you'll be left alone holding yourself naked and exposed and wondering why. Trust no one.

or maybe it was mulder... so then, back on sunday night (or monday), my knee is really starting to hurt... oh, did i mention i took a softball smash off the bat somewhere just above or below the left kneecap?... the sudden numbness makes it relatively impossible to pinpoint the exact area of impact, but the whole dang leg hurts and feels swollen... i was about 40 feet away from the batter... and he smashed the ball so hard and fast i did not have time to lower my glove (on my left hand) a few inches to my left knee... yeah, zoom... yeah, pow... yeah, ouch... i stopped at sports authority and bought stuff i had been meaning to stop and but for a while now... knee pads... calf pads... most of the other pitchers wear them... i also got an elbow brace for my pitching elbow to keep it from twisting too much when i throw spinning balls cuz something like tennis elbow is growing in there... the knee support i bought helped as i played a full game several hours after the spash (actually, about six hours after the smash) with minimal pain... maybe it was just numb, but the knee support kept the swelling down... the swelling is quite evident at the moment... not much knee cap definition on the left leg... it must be numb, cuz i cannot pinpoint an area of bruising even with spot pressure...

during the game, their third baseman (basewoman,, actually) was hit in the head with a ball thrown from deep left field (by another girl... their girls were gang good) and was knocked unconscious for at least 30 seconds and was woozy on the ground for five minutes and finally walked off with help, but the paramedics put her on a stretcher and rolled her off to the hospital... it killed our first inning rally, but that would be un-sportsman-like to linger on, so we hope she's well and we had fun win or lose...

and that was the sunday or monday thoughts and then, i fell asleep and forgot i had written them... and now, returning to the moment of this writing, somewhere into wednesday morning, but i've yet to sleep, so we'lll call it tuesday night... the time date stamp does anyway... and returning from a night out playing trivia and listening to music and chatting with a few people about the powers in this human experience, i find an eerily sudden quiet in the web world... anybody else notice?...

so what i meant to say was (somewhere before the moments in a timeless exterior enamel)m i am so easy, sometimes it hurts... people come and people go and i remain and that's actually the same for anyone, but i only know my experience of it and it's rather extreme... and so much sleep wants to consume me at the moment that i'll just take my lonely self to bed and hope for more better sharing tomorrow (and more importantly, more better self-care) cuz no sleep and no exercise makes for an old man and who wants an old man, after all... those dang whipporwills do sneak up in golden slumbers, aye?...

and the rhymes are popping up all over the gardens...

wherever you are, whatever you are doing, i hope you are loving it and sharing it with someone you love... and may it be real, not an illusion you cannot touch that depends on the whim of a stranger far away, not the superficial momentary rush that comes from words that come and go when they please and are rarely there when you choose to let yourself out, but real in real time in real space where your eyes and senses and hands can feel the presence of someone you love... no matter what anyone things or says, is the point of this life... i obviously missed the point...

cha :}