emo, or something like that

the prophetic convolutions of the residual emotional fallout of the life i’ve supposedly lived to this point in time is spreading all over the internet like a mindless fog flows out in front of a warm front moving under a heavy overhanging cold front, meteorologically speaking… humans seem to believe that they can’t help what or how they feel… i believe humans choose what and how they feel much more than most humans realize or are willing to admit and more… just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so are emotions… and the choice to acknowledge or deny emotions is ours…

this entry explores something emo and may have been presented here or elsewhere before, but here it comes now and if now is again, well, there is a reason for that and if the reason for that is not clear at this moment, it may become clear or at least somewhat more cleaer (or celarer) in time, with or without further explanation (but there probably will be more here or elsewhere, like behind the candoor, eventually)… and in fact, this is but the beginning, again… so sit back and enjoy or have your stomach turned or run away or ignore as you wish cuz ready or not, here it comes…

the drama queen rises (part one)

so am i to believe you might want to take me more seriously but you are afraid of getting closer because lost is not your thing and you don't want to see me (or anyone) die (in your arms tonight or anytime)... and is this even a question...

and from my perspective there is no attraction to bloated or unfit bodies and perhaps not even trust to be truly true friends (would i not be one or reject one based on flesh, i almost ask myself, and i almost answer, but instead, smile knowingly and giggle silently and wait a little longer for someone else to take the initiative)...

whatever the words mean, or i do, i leave them for you (or the anonymous reader) to interpret as you wish, all princess bride references aside, without true love, there is only the search for it and the momentary pleasures of life along the way...

truth is, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose and from birth, i've been free and that has given me a perspective far different than the human norm for i've rarely found fear in my way and i find in observing and interacting with others that the ultimate fear, the fear of death, is what keeps most people apart... the fear of loss builds walls around a heart... the fear of the empty space left by the death/loss of a lover keeps many shallow or alone in bed, the fear of broken promises or betrayed trust keeps most from making promises or giving trust (and we wonder why we're all so alone feeling locked up inside our own heads)...

bringing myself back to a moment of a physical perspective 'reality', i think i could enjoy holding you and yet, i almost cry at the thought of how long it has been since i have just held anyone and then, like a good bipolar madman on the other side of the wall, laugh at myself for pointing fingers at the world for shutting me down when i know all too well that i am the boss of me and i seldom even hug because i do not believe anyone really wants to know why i might tremble upon contact and i do not trust anyone to handle me or care enough to want to enough to understand...

and sometimes, looking at you, i wonder if you will ever let yourself be as adorable as you can be ever again, knowing the power and risk that could entail... how fleeting your eye contact may be, and yet, how powerful i sense it could be, how far down inside you keep yourself, and how much treasure sleeps within, but not really sleeping, just pausing, even purring, like a cat measuring up the situation and waiting for the other to make the first move...

and you say you look at me and see a heart attack waiting to happen and i flash the film city of angels at hyper speed (because it is one more bit of human creativity that has become so much a part of my memory and representative of my psyche) and i think, i have had the same thought over the years, especially since i stopped the daily running and let the abs sag dreadfully, which is why i've taken more than one full blown stress test because the books say i have the high risk potential and yet the doctors say the stress test results say i wasted their time taking the tests because the heart in my chest was doing fine at 170 bpm even at a bloated fifty pounds over the body weight that the books would call ideal... so which book is lying - for they, being polar opposite opinions, educated professional expert medical opinions, no less - cannot both be right... and then i laugh at the wasted time because there is no point in predicting or worrying about tomorrow when all we have any control over or experience to share is today...

and what would we see if we actually stared into each others eyes?...

and how long we might pause there before running toward distraction... yes, i wonder, and i also agree/believe that i am unattractive with the triple chin and buddha belly and while only i can make the decision to remove both, i still wish i had a friend who cared enough to do whatever it might take to gain my deepest trust and inspire me to believe in someone other than myself once again, or love, for that matter, because the last time anyone has ever been there for me in a best friend capacity was probably high school...

woah, welcome to the drama queen, aye?...

and most seriously, i wonder if that is what growing up is all about, giving up the unconditional love and trust, turning off the uninhibited caring, and focusing on thinking what is best for oneself... and the common fallacy is that kids are selfish… i see people looking out for each other in the movies, friends helping each other talk about and attain their deepest desires and dreams... i've just not seen it happen in the physical reality of life...

and yet, i still believe (how many songs come to mind... something from les mis... something from phantom... something from west side story... something in the way she moves me… something from so many other artists... surely music is the fluid carrying my spirits through my souls and words are the cells forming the bodies of my dreams and as i've said so many times, i think in rhymes and feeling in melodies and wish to share all of life's harmonies {breath-taking harmonies, no less}, but sharing takes two and i've always been a one and so i wonder - will the landslide ever bring me down or will i always be a storm, stevie asks... and i hear her singing beautiful child once more)...

and you and the world went to bed long ago and here i am, hours after saying goodnight (and wondering why i don't give you a big hug when i see you because i want to show you how much i appreciate you and i used to love to hug and then i hear the answer remind me that i do not like feeling being in this bloated body and a hug provides the self-confrontation that is unavoidable for me, but that may be tmi for the moment), writing to you and to me and to anyone who might ever care cuz this is what i do, babble on, believing in hope and the chance that someone, somewhere, someday, might find the words and understand and find me someone worth the investment of their time and heart and mind...

but don't come too close, he may explode (and i wonder if that thought is too serious for laughter for you and i realize that i laugh at fear and death and life and all the seriousness and worries that most people seem to consider the norms... meaning no disrespect, but merely coming from a very child-like {perhaps childish, though i don't think so} perspective that means no harm and simply wants to enjoy sharing the moment as much as possible)...

would you care to see me in other ways, i wonder... for the game nights are when the hedonist comes out to play most (though definitely chaste and asexual these days due to in part, respect for human norms and professional conditioning and very personal burns that may still want a shower of tears and reassurances just to prove it really happened and how deeply feelings can be felt and i am alright and how foolish a heart can be when it does not grow up like everybody else... but people only watch soap operas, few (if any) actually want to actually be part of them, actually, not even actors... though i am amused at the thought)...

you are not too preachy at all... maybe too guarded for your own good, too ready to push away trust and intimacy that transcends the flesh and makes the complexities of dating, sex, and the mating games ridiculously small in comparison to the bonding that can be... but then, i know i am a dreamer (no maybe about it) and i definitely hope i'm not the only one...

sometimes i want to sit back and smoke a few bowls of some serious thc or something and set off on a spiritual journey through a sweat cave or some profound physical challenges that have been the subject of some powerful classic and new age books... and sometimes i believe that is all the stuff of the x-files and there's no way to find reality by escaping it...

it has been a very long time since i took an extended vacation...

and these days my thoughts of sharing intimacy involved resting with someone in my arms and falling asleep and waking up and needing nothing more for the moment... and i laugh at myself for the naivety of the thought and realize that an erection {and ejaculation} would likely present itself as it does most every night and yet what i want so much more than sexual satisfaction is the emotional trust the physical trust and shared intimacy that is not lead and guided purely by hormonal surges… and maybe i am the strange male of the species or too sensitive for my own good, but for me, there is so much beauty and value and magic in honesty and innocence and trust and have i rambled on too much?…

and i laugh at myself as i realize how often i do this, meaning pouring myself into words, thinking aloud through the fingers and keyboard (for decades i did it through paper and pen and once, the purist thought that handwritten experience could never be replaced)… and i have put so many compositions like this one on the web for anyone to see because i want opinions and feedback and reflections (and how rarely i get any, alas, for i think naked hearts and exposed psyches so often scare people into silence)…

maybe i should just pause here and let myself nod off :)