evolution

ever notice how evolution and evil douchbag almost sound alike?... well, it made some semantic sense when the christian missionary living on the streets of buffalo, new york in 1999 suggested it… yes, the homeless can engage in deep conversations… but where have you been?... wait, where have i been (who’s asking?... hello {hello, hello} and all that haunting music stuff… is there anybody out there… just nod if you can hear me… wait, nodding wouldn’t tell me anything here… yeah, do it, comment, it’s the only way… wait, i lied… you could call, there’s another way… and of course there are other ways too… write a letter, even… but this parentheses is not what i came for, so i’ll leave it now… i do want to know, though, in case you wondered… i care about you… you know my number, even if you do not know the beatles song referenced... narf too)…

hosanna hey santa, santa wanna hoe?...

nevermind, you had to be there… or here… or in touch, somehow, for real… well, you could be keeping in touch (you remember, kit?... way back ten years ago when i first started this online promise?... no need to feel guilty… no need to feel at all, really… unless, of course, you want to sleep nights without being haunted by nightmares of what you’ve done and unfinished business that is actually cruel, cruelty you are responsible for, even if you don’t really mean to be or let yourself know it consciously... the mind is a terrible thing to fool, after all, especially for the fool) over at (e)thereal where i keep my promise better than i ever have before, several times a day, even… but you don’t have to, after all, you are free to be and do as you want to be and do…

why would one person want to destroy another person, anyway?...

easy to be hard?... easy to be cold?... is that really the answer to how can people be so heartless?... everybody does it... if true sensitivity was not buried under layers of defense, pretense, rationalization, justification, and blind faith, the cruelty of everyday life would be seriously depressing... it hurts to be consciously aware in this world at this point in time because people are so far from being evolved into a truly sensitive species...

and for everybody who has no idea what i was saying or where i was going or what the previous two paragraphs are about, hi, how are you, where’ve you been, i missed you… i am keeping track of the daily activities that occupy time (and space) in the life offline i loosely call mine over in that other blog i started last year, which is why i am not here as often as i used to be, but i do miss the babbling that you used to enjoy with me here… and i do miss you, even though it might feel a little odd or even uncomfortable, maybe, to have anyone actively interacting over where i am keeping track of the mundane minutia of the details of, well, you know… it’s amazing, just a few minutes a couple of times a day and i am actually keeping a personal journal or diary that is now, in this modern electrical world, called a blog…

and we go on pretending everything is alright…

strange world we live in, after all… nobody cares about anything outside of themselves until caring outside of themselves benefits them in some way… of course this philosophy might be incorrect (or perhaps even just a tab bit cynical, aye?), because, after all, who knows what is truly right or really wrong… and why do late night commercial spokes-people scream with enormous smiles as if they are on drugs and listeners who appear nearly deaf act like idiots who will agree with them just because they are screaming with enormous smiles?... for that matter, or another matter entirely, for that matter, why do politicians and millionaire businessmen get away with things that put average individuals in jail or penniless on the street?... and why should those average individuals bail out the politicians and millionaire businessmen who drove their businesses into the ground when so many small mom & pop businesses go under every day without being noticed? (or bailed out, for that matter... and what's the matta you?)...

politics and religion are both about mind control…

so riddle me this, watusi, or you, even... if you could control another person, or a lot of people, would you make make someone or a lot of people do something they otherwise might not do or even something they have opposed doing for any reason?... what would make it right for you to do that?... and what would you do if you were the scientist who discovered the bio-chemical processes that actually explain how the brain works and in doing so, found you could manipulate the processes and influence or even control others thoughts and actions?... would you tell the government or corporation paying for the research?... and what if it already happened, who would know?...

science fiction is only science that hasn’t happened yet…

people who need people, i hear tell, are the luckiest people in the world, but that may only be when they find other people who need people cuz a people who needs people who is alone is likely to be seriously lonely and not feeling very lucky at all and yet, the power of the profound feeling could, if the people who needs people is wise and hopeful enough, be proof of life and awakeness and conscious awareness of the potential of sharing the need of people with another people who needs people and that, my friends, makes people who need people the luckiest people in the world…

and in case you want to know where this all began…

well, as much as this is the daily record of the daily events of the daily life as i live it, there is also some deeper ponderings popping up now and then and while those sort of introspective self-analysis type of ponderings would usually appear behind the candoor (and before then, candora or on downbeats, the lands of the mostly dead, just like when there wasn't time to go behind the candoor and the deeper inverted (or is that introverted?... can one be an introverted exhibitionist?... i suppose youtube is full of them, and tv, for that matter… maybe we’ve discovered the definition of celebrity… anyway… what were we saying?) thinking appeared in RealTime™ when there wasn’t time to go behind the candoor (was the repetition planned for emphasis?... oh, would that be telling, not to be confused with the telling, or the telling that sang guardian angel and other beautiful ethereal songs... but there are so many others out there, really, even before it all began, or something like that, or this, for that matter... and if you need me to draw you a map, you'll just have to stop by with the colored pencils and other map drawing tools), so even here amidst (e)thereal, beware the emo!...

or at least the links, i suppose... not to be too confused with shout shout, let it all out...

yes, ok, i confess, i am emo in (e)thereal world (at least sometimes)… and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... but the fact is that most of the (e)thereal entries are not out there in front long enough to be noticed or read unless someone is checking in there several times a day or simply keep (e)thereal open in a tab in their browser all the time and refresh several times a day (and if you did that, oh, the places we could go)…

and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... wait, was that deja vu?... did you wait?... what are you waiting for?... does anybody really know what time it is?... yeah, so anyway, i would stay awake, just to watch you breathing cuz i really don’t want to miss a thing… seriously, who else loves that way?... that much?... that constantly?... that completely?... that ad infinitum?... 42?...

yeah, reflecting is not just a habit, it is a choice too... and yeah, even the babble is (e)thereal from time to time because i am nocturnal… no matter how much i resist… and i want to love all night long (everybody, but you know, all i ever needed was the one)… the magnificent epicness of linguistic manipulations generously called writing that i do here in this babbling place might be considered a ridiculous egocentric endeavor (or merely ridiculous, nonsense, useless worthless waste of time and energy and life, even) or it might be considered a precious miracle of the mind and a priceless gift for someone or all humanity, even…

but i have confessed before that i subconsciously deliberately babble on randomly in order to let my mind free associate to free the limits of convention and education and social norms forced upon me as they are forced on everyone in our culture, but also to (apparently) bury the deeper self-news and truths about myself so deep in the rambling words that you would have to be either addicted to reading rather scatter-brained babblings like this or be extremely bored or care about me a whole lot and want to know me and what makes me tick enough to spend the time it takes to read all this and find the details between the nonsense or distractions or lines, even… or some such combination platter...

the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

no matter the question, for that matter, i mean, if the question was why am i not sharing as i want to be sharing right now, or… why am i alone in the world right now or… why am i not in a relationship right now… yes, the simple answer is... sharing takes two...

and who would ever take the time…

evolution, perhaps...

meanwhile, in the (e)thereal (and even more, offline in what we often (and perhaps ironically) call the real world), i am meeting more people every day in the physical world… it’s not all about the meetup site generated meetups, either… i am being invited to private parties and all sorts of activities more and more… people are actually showing interest in hanging out with me, though normal human social interactions are pretty limited and very superficial, so i wouldn’t go as far as saying anyone is truly showing active interest in really knowing me (who has the time, remember?)… but the knowledge is out here, from the daily (e)thereal through all the other pages (from the fraction of entryways are linked above to the thousands of pages not linked to the hundreds of books and pads and uncounted scattered pages in boxes in storage near niagara falls, no matter how slowly we turn)…

everything you want to know, and you don't even has to ask... you just need the time (time time time, it's telling you a story... and the relativity continues whether we know it or not)... sharing takes two...

and this is why i blog, especially why i public blog... i don't know why others do it, but i do see a lot of ego out there... and in my writing as well (ego, i mean, as flag or fool, easy to be mocked cuz one is the loneliest number, la la la), but for me, it's so much like buying a lottery ticket and keeping a promise rolled into one... yeah, back to the promise… promises, actually… fifteen minutes of writing about my day lets me continue the habit of sharing the details of life as i would if i was in a relationship... i promised myself i'd stay in touch with myself through words when i was i first learned how much i love and can benefit from writing... i promised others i would continue keeping in touch with them… i promised the one i’ve yet to find, the best friend or romance i've sought my whole life, that i would never stop believing she is out there and do everything i can to continue trying to find her… and while the odds are probably about the same as buying a lottery ticket, she just might stumble across my bits of babble and fall in love... the dreamer (and the one) are worth a few minutes each day :)

also, writing is a habit, i'm a writaholic... not so anonymous...

i write for many reasons, like when i feel lonely or bored... you might choose reading or other solitary activities when you feel lonely or bored... some look within, some look outside, i do a combination of both… does this make us more similar than different? (probably, but we'd have to scratch beneath the surface to know)...

in the end, the writing and the escaping does not completely satisfy me because lonely, for me, is caused by a desire to share - and not just share the solitary intellectual/emotional stimulation that comes from experiencing someone else's mind by myself (through reading or film or tv or observing anything), but it comes from the desire to share the intimacy of unconditional trust and honest love... just words to everyone i've met so far in this life, but the life i live to me... so this is why i write, because at least i am exploring me and letting me out with the hope of sharing... but even that is not enough and to be happy i must repress (or at least distract) the desire to share, supplicate (or fool) it with imaginary sharing that comes from an activity like writing, reading, or observing...

so how have you been?...