another letter

goodness, i've been offline all week and most of the past month (longer?)...

i was recently asked if i was interested in (or afraid to) swing(ing) on the bungee cord (of a relationship) again, yes and no... and so i pondered a moment or few and this is what fell out of my head (drumroll not necessary, nyuk nyuk)...

pondering music might help...

i love the roller coaster of emotions that falling in love and relationships bring and until this decade, i was always in love with someone sharing every moment (catching up when apart) and everything with a partner... the irony is that the last serious relationship was before the inset of cellphones and the cellphone is one of the connections i imagined (dreamed of) as a kid because for me, partnering is a constant connection... i've always dreamed of the truly moment-to-moment connection, bonding, two-as-one relationship on every level, sharing everything, physical, emotional, and mental (and psychic, real and imagined, and a lot of imagined too :)

a little sad that such dreams seem to be left behind by normal people in memories of their teenage years...

do i miss the dream?... yes, but for me, being rather abnormal, it's never far from consciousness... do i miss actually trying to actualize it in the physical reality?... most of the time, but not nearly as much as i did before this decade (eeek... is that getting old?)... alas, i was burned enough in the 90s to still be more numb than i ever expected to be in this life and while i believe it's just a surface numbness (how deep the scars go, well, that's uncertain, but perhaps way deeper than my smiles might ever show) that will crumble away the moment i consciously decide to wake up from my self-imposed somnabulistic lifestyle and let other humans in again (yeah, that's it)...

and people tell me they think i share a lot and am one of the most open people they know as it is, aye? :)

the body weight was/is one of the aspects of the numbness and with that slowly trickling off (185 today, haven't popped above 190 again since reaching it)... i've had to hibernate a lot to do this because social life leads invariably to food and eating out is the antithesis of what i need in order to drop the weight, so the gaming child came around right on time and the video game is an essential part of the weight loss, though i've very out of all the social activities i was into (except softball, cut back to twice a week, for the summer at least) and i've even stopped the daily writing i've been doing most of this life... brief pauses have come in the writing life in the past, but they never lasted long...

i've got to figure out how to heal the heel though because running is painful (the day after the run) for the first time in this life and that is a very weird "getting old?" experience i am simply not wanting to accept at all (just picture a charlie brown smile of reluctant acceptance that hides a never-give-up never-surrender little kid giggling at the certainty of the stubbornness in me that is the cornerstone of who i am)...

or something like that :}

i took yesterday and today off and actually slept more than a few hours today... close to eight, i think... feels so weird... and i know that if i slept eight hours a night that the body would heal better and weight would drop faster and all my dreams would come true (well, maybe not all :)

but i don't sleep much these days...

i guess when i analyze or ponder or get to the bottom of my conscious choice to live an insomniac's life it might come down to the simple fact that sleeping alone is never something i was very into, but i do love sleep when i occasionally indulge the part of my brain and body that does love the experience :)

so love?... sure, so who's up for a romance with me?...