cha cha cha
yeah, so here i am in RealTime™ and i’m feeling lonely and yet, still not ready to call anyone up or compromise on trusting anyone enough to initiate interaction, nope, i’m still just sitting around waiting for someone (not just the one, ya see) to prove they care enough about me by acting on the caring (caring is a verb) by reaching out to me regularly in the physical world in RealTime™ and RealSpace™ right here and now (no one’s knocking at the door… do me a favor, and let her in) and all this waiting requires serious distraction so a few shrimp spring rolls are baking cuz they’ll suffice for the moment…
yeah, fuck the body, nobody wants it anyway, at least nobody i’d want to want it… and that the nobody i’d want to want it part is the catch-22 (oh, remember catch-22?... i am not remembering what catch-23 is, or whether catch-23 matters at the moment, but the memory gaps are sadly part of life more prevalent since toronto as senility seems to be a friend bearing the gift of ignorance, which may just be the bliss it was always said to be, but that may be beside the point, for now at least) keeping me in the loop that maintains loneliness and bloat and the diminished capacity of conscious awareness i’ve been living in for years now…
ah, but i am not nearly as mostly dead as this may sound (read)… i am just feeling sorry for myself cuz i am stuck in a work-loop and choosing to remain in it longer than is productive for me as a person, but the fundage is necessary because a few people are depending on me for monthly money at the moment and that needs to change before i can think about reassessing career plans and retirement plans, which should be actively on my agenda these days as this body is not getting any younger and i do not particularly want to work at some job that takes 40-60 hours a week of my waking life until i die… retirement, however, can be expensive (i know, i tried it during the nineties, after all)…
i’ve got this sense that the return of the girl from quebec (a portion of this life i tend to call toronto) has triggered a return to unfinished business that is either now interfering (or has been interfering) in the natural progression of healing and reawakening that i thought was mostly done back in 2000, but obviously was only partially done and set far back by the incident with amelia airheart (related to some extent in the original journal {of course i should be sleeping} and probably beamed out to {or down from} planet candora somewhere along the beam and maybe even touched on behind the candoor, but just maybe) and i simply gave up on the actualization of trusting someone intimately and buried that realization in the idea of trusting someone intimately (and falling in love) that became the heart of planet candora and many other writings of dreams of love… thr writing, always a sanctuary, became an escape, a replacement for the actualization of the very dream i professed to want to actualize so dearly…
scary news, aye?...
so long ago…
yeah, so the three shrimp spring rolls were not enough so i made some sun dried tomato alfredo pizza (hey, i used fat free mozzarella, ok?... ok, so of course it’s not ok, but it is just the same, so it is recorded here for posterity and you, since you might even read this one day… ah, the hormonal comforts of foods, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles)… a fine distraction from the frustration of what i am supposed to do, which is go to bed… the rebel child may be the death of me, but i will not put him to bed too often for that would be the death of my individuality, creativity, and me within this body… so if the body dies a bit (or years) sooner because of this, at least i lived within until the body died (something i believe most humans do not do)…
and this may be the best explanation for why i do what i do that i’ve produced in years and if i am the only one who understands, that’s ok, cuz i understand… there truly is a method to what may be called my madness (as i mockingly {serious irreverence, remember?} call it so often)…
so?... lol lam cha cha cha :)
yeah, fuck the body, nobody wants it anyway, at least nobody i’d want to want it… and that the nobody i’d want to want it part is the catch-22 (oh, remember catch-22?... i am not remembering what catch-23 is, or whether catch-23 matters at the moment, but the memory gaps are sadly part of life more prevalent since toronto as senility seems to be a friend bearing the gift of ignorance, which may just be the bliss it was always said to be, but that may be beside the point, for now at least) keeping me in the loop that maintains loneliness and bloat and the diminished capacity of conscious awareness i’ve been living in for years now…
ah, but i am not nearly as mostly dead as this may sound (read)… i am just feeling sorry for myself cuz i am stuck in a work-loop and choosing to remain in it longer than is productive for me as a person, but the fundage is necessary because a few people are depending on me for monthly money at the moment and that needs to change before i can think about reassessing career plans and retirement plans, which should be actively on my agenda these days as this body is not getting any younger and i do not particularly want to work at some job that takes 40-60 hours a week of my waking life until i die… retirement, however, can be expensive (i know, i tried it during the nineties, after all)…
i’ve got this sense that the return of the girl from quebec (a portion of this life i tend to call toronto) has triggered a return to unfinished business that is either now interfering (or has been interfering) in the natural progression of healing and reawakening that i thought was mostly done back in 2000, but obviously was only partially done and set far back by the incident with amelia airheart (related to some extent in the original journal {of course i should be sleeping} and probably beamed out to {or down from} planet candora somewhere along the beam and maybe even touched on behind the candoor, but just maybe) and i simply gave up on the actualization of trusting someone intimately and buried that realization in the idea of trusting someone intimately (and falling in love) that became the heart of planet candora and many other writings of dreams of love… thr writing, always a sanctuary, became an escape, a replacement for the actualization of the very dream i professed to want to actualize so dearly…
scary news, aye?...
was it all a dream?... was it just a dream?
so long ago…
yeah, so the three shrimp spring rolls were not enough so i made some sun dried tomato alfredo pizza (hey, i used fat free mozzarella, ok?... ok, so of course it’s not ok, but it is just the same, so it is recorded here for posterity and you, since you might even read this one day… ah, the hormonal comforts of foods, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles)… a fine distraction from the frustration of what i am supposed to do, which is go to bed… the rebel child may be the death of me, but i will not put him to bed too often for that would be the death of my individuality, creativity, and me within this body… so if the body dies a bit (or years) sooner because of this, at least i lived within until the body died (something i believe most humans do not do)…
and this may be the best explanation for why i do what i do that i’ve produced in years and if i am the only one who understands, that’s ok, cuz i understand… there truly is a method to what may be called my madness (as i mockingly {serious irreverence, remember?} call it so often)…
so?... lol lam cha cha cha :)
Labels: amused, bleary, denial, emo, food, imbalance, incomplete, irony intros, loneliness, missing, mostly dead, mtmm, perspective, psych, secrets, sleepdep, smile, telling, thereal, wants
posted by candoor at 2:15 AM
5 Comments:
but i don't understand why the need to always hop blog names?
why not stick with candoor.blogspot or if you really keep hopping, just go for ric_candor.blogspot or something like that but without underscores, coz that's hard to type and tell people about.
and why has joanne stopped loving you. i understand i told her unspeakable crap and so she recoiled in fear from me, but why no longer love for you?
as for me, think how you're banned in canada, i have gotten myself banned from america, so now i literally ROT in romania.
feeling sorry for myself. i hate my weakness. i am a WEAK, WEAK, WEAK mofo. and i admire your steadfastness and way to just be.
i wish i could learn to be from you.
finally, i forgot all my blogger passwords so could not leave this at e-the-real because there you don't allow anony comment:z...
hey, yay, good to see words from you... and then, holy crap, i just read the whole comment...
how?... why?... fuck national borders and the stupidity of dividing people... dumbass humans... divide and conquer is a fact and we divide ourselves voluntarily then kill each other of territory and ideas... if humanity is not the stupidest sentient species in the universe, i pity the rest of the universe...
no wonder i woke and stayed up tonight when i so desperately long for (and the body and mind so desperately require) sleep... i am so sad to read your sadness... so happy to read words from you, but shit, fuck...
i'm gonna cheer myself up by responding to you line by line (or at least thought by thought) sort of (subdued by brain fog and extreme fatigue) the way i used to correspond long ago when i corresponded...
i didn't know (or remember) i didn't allow anon over there, must have been the default setting i never changed... though the thought that e-the-real ought to be realer than anon does pop up, and yet, the e part of ethereal is the ethernet or internet or cyberspace and we all know anon is a major part of cyberspace... my first or second or third online name, after all... i wonder if i set it myself cuz of hostile comments or spam, cuz i've been spamnmed at some blogs in the past year... anyway, all fixed now...
good question, the hopping... especially since i want to be found by amy and sandy and shari and gail and so many others... but then, it only goes to show that as much as i reach out to others online and want to stay connected, i still write for me and my dreams first (or i'd have stopped long ago)...
blogs are like file cabinets for the stuff that walls out of my head and i kind of sort the stuff the way i might sort stuff in the paper world... so when the mood changes and/or the purpose of the writing changes, i put the new idea/concept/purpose in a new place... e-the-real is specifically for attempting to do what i failed to do here, write brief daily blurbs about the daily life activities and thoughts without the unabashed free associative babbling... the original concept of keep in touch that started all this online journal/diary/blogging back in the mid-nineties...
so i change blogs to change moods, but also to refine the purpose of online writing for me and for any friends reading and for any online audience there might be now or later (cuz we're all about the audience, ya know)... yewah, i continue linking them all cuz i am an attention whore down deep... even if i am a solitary babbler down deeper... and buried somewhere beyond that is the hopelessly hopeful romantic, of course, the core generator keeping life worthwhile when all else fails... but you probably know all this, so thanks for asking anyway :)
maybe using my full name would be a good idea... though if someone googles ric candor, my pages pop up pretty high on the google already... i aught to create a myspace and facebook with all of my legal names and link them to my web world... someday, when i have more time... these days work is swallowing me... and softball, thank goodness for softball...
yeah, where is j, anyway?... but then, i've been too busy to search or reach out myself, so i am not one to fauolt anyone for silence... maybe she forgot about the internet for the moment... or maybe she's hiding from your sharp tongue biting humor and your occasional self-misery self-hatred self-flagellation that sometimes stings people you really care about or those who come too close... arent i the optimist, no really, sarcasm saves me, if no one else... and but i love you still even in these days of my burning out cynicism...
hopefully, all is well in her world and she understands that we mention her because we are curios, mean no harm, and wish her love no matter what differences misunderstandings or hurts may linger...
thank you for your admiration, sheesh... i am almost speechless cuz ... well... your genuinness ... while comliments give me pause fo smile silently, honesty, especially self-honesty, that still awes me... you are down, so your self-assessment is darker than real, because i know you can be strong and your mind can be brilliant and your heart can be beautiful and even if you forget sometimes, i know...
i wish too...
i wish your cynical side, which is based in your instinctive insight into human nature as it exists today in this modern culture, would give way more often to your heart, which is so wanting to love and be loved...
i wish you find something worthwhile and rewarding and profitable and fun to do wherever you find yourself (and i wish you would find yourself more aware of your ability to enjoy the moment and life)...
i wish you realize how your confusion is not you and how your desire to love and be loved is you and how you can do or be yourself anywhere, anytime...
i wish you would could take some of the respect i have for you and realize you deserve it and can find it in yourself to believe it...
i hope too...
i hope you keep in touch, i hope you find good news, and most of all i hope you keep in touch whatever the news...
even if my sappiness makes you cringe or rage sometimes :)
*hug*
feeling lonely in such a full social calender must be the worst case of all.
(( hug ))
happy birthday :)
((((huggsssss)))))
don't they know... it's the end of the world... ah, the sad songs are the classics :)
actually, the loneliness is the deepest kind that surfaces only now and then when i long for a partnership of intimacy, wonder, and magic all based completely open honesty conscious awareness and the insatiable desire to share everything always forever and ever beyond the eternal infinity...
but most of the time life's way too much fun to even notice being alone :)
thank you for caring and reaching out again... it means a lot to know you look in now and then :)
and j, thank you for remembering :)
:)
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