what?

what i am into, what i'm about
what is the purpose of letting it out
if nobody knows what none choose to see
there's a world of people and no one knows me

awe, the poor baby, all lonely and feeling neglected and blue and unloved and all that... so sad... no wonder why i don't come to RealTime™ much anymore, or go behind the candoor, or visit planet candora, for that matter… the heart sleeps deeper than ever (like planet candora went into an ice age or something) and the mind is so busy with work and games, it does not have time to think about who i am or what i want or any of the depths that used to sneak between the lines of babble behind the candoor… and the body, well, the body is imbalanced… libido sleeps even deeper than the heart... the abs have stretched beyond recognition due to the constant bloat… the neck has become toad-like… and in spite of the softball, the stamina and strength have diminished to probably the weakest in this lifetime…

now i’ve called myself pathetic before, but i may have reached (sunken to?) new lows of patheticism in the past year or few (wherever did i leave off on the road back from the streets?... somehow i’ve become a professional suburban bloated old man while looking the other way… and nobody cared to point it out or intervene… nope, no intervention… suicide happens, and i have no one in this life who cared to do anything about it… lost in the parenthetic asides, i died and nobody noticed… nobody performed cpr, even… nope, not even a cpr kiss upon dying, pathetic, without a doubt… and even the laughter is imbalanced… wait, what laughter… see what i mean, i am the only one here… pathetic, i tell ya, and who am i telling?... pathetic squared, at least… and i make no apologies to myself either, which is even more pathetic… i kill myself and don’t even have the decency to apologize… pathetic to the end… i may have been happier hanging on the a dream of love on the streets of niagara falls… i certainly was in a more balanced body as i could not afford to bloat… money breeds pathetic fools and that’s all there is to it because i’ve gotten so superficial i don’t see any more… pathetic, simply pathetic)…

yeah, so anyway, this probably should have gone into the pathos of the land of the mostly dead, but no, it’s here… and at least it could have been slipped into some babbling behind the candoor where the pathos is mocked and turned into amusement, but no, it’s right here in RealTime™ as if it’s, ummm, real… could it be real?… oh dear, what a conundrum… how could i ever have come this far from myself and still lived?... i am alive, right?... or am i the tree falling in the forest that nobody hears?...

actually, all posing aside, i have hundreds of entries in progress for all of the diaries, journals, and blogs and the poor me crap here today is coming from the frustration about not having enough time to sort through and upload all the words where they belong cuz i am skimming the surface like a stone… so this entry is just to let you know, i mean, in case you are still out there, that i am still ridiculously ensconced in workaholism as deep as i was in the eighties (that’s 1980’s) and there’s nobody sharing any of it like there was back then and worse, there’s nobody period who understands and cares in the daily life (like every day, home alone, burning out)… yeah, what?... is missing…

what is missing from this life is the constant caring that used to be me…

what is missing from this life is a partner who will care when i don’t…

what is missing is the willingness to let words and long distance sharing and caring substitute for the sharing and caring in the physical world…

what is missing is a consistently strong desire to please and a consistent lack of selflessness…

what is missing is the good sense to always focus on the positive instead of wasting time looking for what is missing…

and how are you?