so much tiredness (highly caffeinated)

twice thrice a few times all week in the past twenty four forty-eight hours few days week, at least, this box was left open and wordless and even now, the words merely simply mock me as they point out that but bit of nothingness... sigh and nide...

sheesh, mine googleness, the loneliness is deep and tragic of late... you should see it piling up against the door and windows of our chateau... frightful (and no one in here to share the delightful, alas, alack, and pass the chocolate)...

and then there's the tiredness... so little sleep, so much time... but the time, maria, but the time (as this was finally uploaded saturday, hence the corrections adjustments recountings modifications clarifications), the time is so full of doing stuff, stuff for work, stuff for home, stuff for so many different things... so there is practically no time for sleep and the choice, write or sleep, raises it's silly head...

might as well be sleepwriting... mostly dead (or something like that) ...

i think this was monday night

this entry is a response to comments from the previous entry, or Friday's entry if another entry ever gets slipped in between, and i have lots of partial entries and scribbles to upload, so might as well start with this one... a lot more eloaborating would be done right now if i wasn't such a sick puppy... so for anyone who missed this in comments, here... and for anyone not understanding the flow, see the comments to Friday's entry... and for anyone who cares, yay... and for anyone who doesn't, boo... and for now, on with the comment entry written monday night, i think...

.

i feel like crap, a head full of snot, but i'm taking two days off and Rasputin actually did some massive cleaning today not done, but major change)... so in spite of the head respiratory clog, i'm a very happy camper... excited to have a couple of sudden days off where once would have been work for others...

The Waterboys latest CD is growing on me, as their CDs usually do... my first reaction was what happened?... referring to Mike Scott's lyrics and their unique sound... but it's slowly showing through the new CD, simply because Mike Scott has a style and voice i love and the rest of The Waterboys compliment him well...

I napped after work in a somewhat less cluttered space and I just might pick up all of Precious's stuff from the living room floor and put it on the couches and vacuum the place in the morning... that'll certainly help the nose...

and now, back to importing CDs to iTunes... I am using the Apple Lossless format cuz somebody told me it;s the best for retaining sound quality in spite of the large size of the files... it seems though that the size of the files might just as well be wav files and the conversion is merely making them playable on Apple equipment only, which means i may have to re-convert them back if i want to burn CDs for playing a copy in regular CD players, but that's for later redundancy...

iTunes provides a great database, actually, just not as manipulatable as an Access database i build myself and i have not found a way to cut, paste, or print the actual data in the database, so i am increasing the redundancy factor of my musical endeavors yet again by typing in the info i want from each CD into an Access database of my own design...

much like i did once upon a time...

the weekend was beautiful in spite of the head, Saturday was rest and Sunday was trying out for a new softball league (in spite of the head) and i'm the pitcher for the new team made up of the players that nobody else wanted on their teams... a few need to learn how to catch, throw, play a position, and pay attention to the game, but otherwise it'll be much fun, hysterically amusing, in fact...

the managers thanked me for pitching as they wouldn't have had one more team in their league without me as nobody else was going to pitch for this team of rejects, but hopefully we'll come together and they'll learn something about the game and pay attention and get better and have some fun... the manager says she is a hardass taskmaster who will focus on fundamentals and work us into shape...

today i went to work after pondering calling in and after checking the schedule, i told them i was taking Tuesday and Wednesday off... i would have left early, but admissions needed help and it was new employee orientation so i stuck it out and helped out by doing an intake assessment and doing some extra orientation training (besides the stuff i usually do) and started a project for my assistant to continue cuz it's so efficient he ran out of work to do again... Thursday i'll get back to my work... i'm such a hero, huh?...

don't miss the sarcasm to much...

i'm an ambivalent, somewhat apathetic roommate as i ignore the mess my roommates make and let the space become what it is, which is definitely not what i would make of it if i cared to mold it myself... i just tired of cleaning up after them years ago and accept complacency as a fair compromise for the company and drain on my economy and negative effects on my health and family feeling i sometimes get...

hmmmm, stop me before i re-evaluate my sanity once more...

actually, i don't pay rent, i pay all utilities, including phone, caple, internet, and whatnot... it varies from $400 to $600 a month, depending on time of year and incidental expenses... rent itself went up to almost $1300 this month cuz of the waffling about moving that led to us signing a 7 month lease and Raspy covers that... i spend more on food for them than they spend on me, so there's a strange balance that somehow we accept without counting pennies as a family sometimes does... a strange arrangement, perhaps, as Mike Scott might say...

as for thinking too much, i was referring almost entirely to that post that inspired that comment and did not realize that it was not you thinking, but rather James... i think you used to think too much, but as far as i can tell, you've found a way to relieve much of the pressure you used to have in your brain in the last year or so... of course this long distance assessment may be worthless and wrong, but then, i may be right, we may be crazy, or it just may be a lunatic i'm looking at, or for, even... where's the mirror?...

i respect your journey through sesshins much more than i mention it, but then, we must keep the cynic on toes, or something like that, so bravo on the side and laughter in the middle and love all around...

yeah, i've been putting my words and music into databases for a long time, though stopped back in the nineties when i let go of the material world again, sort of... but speaking of that database, sort of, see the once upon a time link above in this comment...

yeah, the first two or three thousand or so songs i put on this 500GB MyBook i bought were ripped as mp3s by itunes... i used to use EasyCD Creator, but iTunes was already installed with a lot of music on this laptop so i just went with it... this last batch of 100+ CDs i am importing to the drive are going in as Apple Lossless, just cuz i have the 500GB luxury of storage space... i thing i evenhear the different in sound quality, but then, that could just be psychological snobbery...

yeah, mac air... someday, maybe... i do have a G4 desktop with a 21 inch monitor sitting idle a few feet away that i've simply not made time to put plug in and explore... one of these days, when i am through loading all my music to this MyBook and have the extra time... and finally buy a comfortable desk chair... and maybe a desk...

and that's what you inspired with your comments, for which i am very thankful cuz in responding to you, i smiled a lot and cleared a few cobwebs from my head...

hope it was good for you too :)

and hope your world is wonderful tonight :)

missed Friday, it seems...

I worked Friday, semi-zombieish, but stayed there the whole day and caught up on some of the work I've been piling up the last few weeks... the computer remains on the middle of the floor which leaves be sitting sideways because the mouse and keyboard cords don't reach the middle of my desk... and the 512MB isn't enough as the computer crashed on the databases a could of times... and it seems that Access 2000 and Office 2003 may have a conflict or few, but then, I've heard Office 2003 had problems from the start... it's not an upgrade from the last computer, it's just slightly newer... while the treatment is considered great and we get the kids nobody else wants from all over the country, the hospital is still in the dark ages when it comes to technology...

and when I got home, I vegged... mostly cuz the BP remains ridiculously high and the body feels like crap... I am adjusting meds, but frustrated because I never had BP this high before I started on the meds, which only goes to prove that medical science kills as much as it cures, if not more... but they'll never put modern medical care on a death certificate, now will they?...

the final episode of Stargate SG1 was kinda disappointing... it should have been a three hour amazement, but then, it has always been one of the more understated long running shows... and I'll get to look at Amanda Tapping's cute smile cuz she's apparently joining Atlantis, which might mean they've killed off the Dr in charge of Atlantis, which would suck... and Painkiller Jane is oddly interesting at times, though I could skip Friday night TV if something more interesting came up...

like life...

that's about it, unless the one is out there at this most unappealing moment of life and blogging... anyway, if you are out there, imaginary dream girl, it would be a good time to come over cuz there might not be as much time left for our magical love affair as we thought...

I'll stop amusing us now and go back to vegging...

oh well, and other rhetorics

remember when RealTime™ used to be full of fun and irreverence and carefree romps through meaningless diatribes, massive missives, and alliterative literary tomfoolery?...

where?...

oh yeah, if only the mob (or mod or mom or M&D or some other imaginary friends or lovers or typo or something like that, or someone, even) was around to throw stones or laugh or do something to remind me... if only there was a mob, aye?... ahem, and all...

meanwhile, in RealLife™ in RealSpace™ in RealTime™, life seems to be a series of redundant challenges of late and the annoying part is the redundancy (and it's all quite UnReal™ to be precisely ironic or funny or punny, or something)...

after a relatively decent sleep of at least 12 hours, I wake with overall body achiness and a BP of 189/100 with a sleepy pulse of 47 and then, half hour late, 154/94 with the same sleepy 47 pulse... paging Dr. Kildare... day three of this ridiculously high BP is new to me as it's never been higher than about 150/95 before and that was when I was 30 pounds heavier and only on rare occasions... why did I change meds again?... oh yeah, kidneys... but why did I start meds again?... oh yeah, to lower that occasionally high BP... why are the meds having the opposite effect again?...

I'm also feeling quite bloated... probably cuz the diet this week (six consecutive days now) was more normal than ever and only one trip to the gym and a gain of ten pounds (I hope that's all - and do I actually go work out and run 7+ miles an hour for an hour with BP as high as it is?) and worse of all, the body may have become dependant on the diuretic that I stopped last week (no wonder I feel like it's drowning from the inside... and I'm not drinking nearly as much water as I usually do either), unless I've come down with some rare exotic disease that only the fictitious Dr House could possibly diagnosis after 55 minutes of sarcastic sardonic ascerbic humor that almost nobody gets, but where's a dedicated doctor like that in real life these days, aye?...

meanwhile, at work, my fresh out of the box 3 year old computer is laying fdlat on it's side in the middle of the office floor because there's no bracket to hold the old hard drive, which is not the slave drive, in it and there's metal contacts that would touch metal contacts it we stood it up right and put it next to the desk and out of the way where it belongs... so I have to step over it to get to my desk in the already small office and can't bring the chart rack in and the mouse and keyboard cords don't reach so I must stretch left to use the computer and after a few hours the neck and back are stiff, so work continues to pile up...

the achy body from the high B/P or whatever is causing the overall muscle aches doesn't help... nor does the overall fatigue... I sound like an old person, which really sucks almost as much as it amuses me, though the suckage is rising and the amusement is decreasing cuz it's a joke that's getting old fast, and not even the pun is helping much, yuk, yuk, blugh...

yeah, I know, what can be said...

I'll hopefully have better news and something more positive to write about in RealTime™ tomorrow (or tonight, considering the actual RealTime™ of this writing as opposed to the time stamped on the entry, but shhhh, that's a top secret stuff thing, ya know?... wow, look at that pretty butterfly)...

are we having fun yet? :)

yesterday, when I wasn't here

maybe I just have little to say... or maybe I am wondering if it matters if I say anything... or maybe I am tired of reaching out, of initiating, of searching, of sending out the messages in bottles and smiles and waves and so on... maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and seeing the silence is a whole lot more than half full... infinite silence, a few small sounds in the distance, and nothing right here right now making any effort to get my attention, to care, to want me or anything...

or it could be all the pizza...

yes, three straight days of pigging out on pizza (with two straight days of chocolate binging thrown in) and almost forgetting what the gym looks like is the most likely cause of the lethergy of brain and listlessness of spirit and all that bluesy jazz...

good thing I found my way back to the gym tomorrow night (ah, the relativity of time and filling in entries after being away for two days, aye?)...

feeling poorly, I am, from the bloat and excessive sugar and fat and carbs and lack of exercise.. easy to feel physically depressed when suddenly shifting gears in the body and altering the chemical flow so dramatically... fatigue comes too easy from sitting around doing nothing... and the blues, the loneliness, the apathy rises as the energy level drops and hope nods off, drugged by the food and lack of exercise hormones...

so get back on the horse, the wise voice in my head says... and I grumble as I grin cuz it's the only voice consistently around in the RealTime world, but at least it is consistently around (even when I ignore it for extended periods)...

may you find your voice too (and listen :)

in the meantime, here's a comment I left inspired by Deepok Chakra (named changed not to protect the innocent, but cuz I am not remembering how to spell it at the moment and this suits me just fine), V for Vendetta, Ligion, pizza, chocolate, and the general environment and influences around me... just cuz don't want only one of you to see it :)

I am the boredom of repeating the obvious...

I usually avoid Deepok because I do not want to seem disrespectful and I tend to find him boring and redundant... I mean, if you say you are everything and everything is everything and all is one and truly believe that, then what's the point of saying you are this and that and a hundred other things as if you think we didn't understand that you are everything and everything is everything and all is one?... seems condescending, or at least wastefully redundant...

my advice to Deepok: enjoy everything and stop talking about it :)

ah, of course, if I was paid to be that repetitive, I'd be just as boring cuz, after all, one's gotta pay the bills and what better way to pay the bills than to say the same thing over and over, on tape no less (smartass strikes again)...

I much prefer the Floyd :)

and Natalie Portman and Ligion (a band), that's where I've been this weekend... delicious fantasies and new music and happy as a clam in my shell of a brain... and pizza and chocolate...

I'm going back to listen to the wind now :)

and Happy Birthday Tom, wherever you are...

nite nite :)

call it a draw

I made it to the gym... I had to turn around after I was in the parking lot because I forgot the water... I wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me something... about three quarters of the way to the gym I realized I forgot my towel... sorry, DA (and yes, it was a sorry move to forget the towel even as I pun-ish myself with an irreverent tease as I bonk myself over the head with the truth)... I didn't turn around, but I continued wondering... when I got to the gym, both Lifecycles were taken... first time that's happened in all however many days... only a few times, if that many, was someone on the other Lifecycle... the universe joining my subconscious?...

I got on the treadmill and set it to 5.5mph and ran for a while, slowing down and finishing 10 minutes as around 4.5 mph... leg muscles burning a bit... they left the Lifecycles and I switched over to one... 30 minutes, new speed best, close to new calorie best, feeling crazy for pushing through some noticeable discomfort, but will not let the bugs win as long as I can take steps... then 30 minutes walking on the treadmill, taking steps...

tired... feeling the infection... pissing more blood than yesterday, hopefully not as much as tomorrow... I will probably call a urologist and make an appointment for as many renal tests as possible... hopefully there isn't a stone stuck blocking one of the kidneys, tearing the tubing, and risking kidney failure... obviously one of the kidneys is working fine, since I drank 100 ounces of water during the workout and no symptoms to get too concerned about... but dangit this particular E.Coli is invested in building a home in this body...

so I'm calling it a draw... though part of me says I win cuz I did make it to the gym and kicked a little butt... but part of me says I lose cuz I'm more tired than I should be and feeling more discomfort... I refuse to call it pain until I can't sleep cuz of the feeling... that was Sunday night for a few hours... the only reason I don't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time now is the urge to urinate is strong in this one due to the bugs and the forced fluids... two gallons of water today and still drinking... the clood convinced me to increase the flow...

so this is the most E.Coli entry yet and on that ground alone, it won the day... see, it's a tough call, much like the calls in the NCAA basketball tournament tonight... I watched and enjoyed... no nap... so I will try to sleep now so I might get seven hours tonight... the body whines and pleads for 14 like last night, but I'm going to work tomorrow.... maybe I'll leave early... I doubt it... stubborn, I am... someone recently pointed out my stubbornness to me... I don't remember who or when or why... I'm not sure if it was part of the dreams from last night... they were good dreams... nostalgic and emotional and challenging and fun...

I think I was the only person taking calls at work today... I may have set a record, but I didn't keep track... I may be the only person taking calls tomorrow too... a few of our department is off... I listened to a lot of emotional parents... some cried... a few will probably be admitting their kids tomorrow... some wonder how such emotional work doesn't take it's toll... maybe my kidneys are wondering... but at the end of the day it almost always feels good to help people release their fears and guilt and show them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

and that's the day... Me: 5, E.Coli: 4... maybe 4.5 if I wake due to anything other than fluid flow tonight... isn't this fun? :}

thanks for being here :)