so i did nothing today

just woke and sat here with Rasputin since about 3pm glancing up at the TV while the NBA playoffs and Sunday evening FOX cartoons were on, but mostly reading through emails (I only get one address on this laptop daily, but i created accounts for two others so i can check them occasionally and i downloaded and randomly looked through a few of the thousands of emails that were in those two accounts), ordering CDs from CDbaby (cuz one of the emails i checked was from Jen Chapin and i ordered her new CD while listening to her old songs and while i was there i ordered a bunch more, so now cdbaby loves me... no really, they sent me an email that said cdbaby loves ric... so i feel so very good about myself now... who said money can't buy you love, anyway?), and wandering through fantasy baseball leagues while setting up a new one, checking the meetup calendars, pausing to prepared (so i did stand up for a few minutes) and eat a tuna and cereal cold casserole (i don't know what else to call it, but i like it and it's a bridge toward eating healthier cuz i make it with fat-free mayo and healthy cereal and most importantly, i can mix it together outside of the kitchen), and generally relaxing in my own little world (which is still one my my favorite places ever)...

i don't know why you read all that... i told you i did nothing today (as i slink away with a smirk-like smile and g'nite :)

PS... thanks for checking the calendar, i think i fixed the links...

life at rest

today was a day of rest… after hardly sleeping the past week, travelling to Nashville for business, to Melbourne and Lake Buena Vista for concerts, getting weeks of laundry done, reacting to what i do not like about home-life and facilitating a bit of drama (i actually yelled in anger for the first time in many months, maybe longer, which is an odd experience for me as frustration seldom bubbles into anger in my psyche cuz i seem to instinctively actualize the serenity prayer thing and usually enjoy even the most challenging situations), and fitting in softball and some movies and meetups, today i did almost nothing…

yay for almost nothing …

so i spent the day and evening and now night at home… for as much as i call this physical space of this current living environment home, which is relative… and if you read the previous entry and want the soap opera content to continue, i'll follow up on the interpersonal relationships in this space… maybe it'll help bring more balance, compatibility, peace, and happiness to someone somewhere… maybe even here… there is always hope, after all…

as if there was no friction, no hanging up, no storming out with hateful words, no overstepping of bounds or confrontation of the inconsiderate and disrespectful mess in the physical space, we started talking today about whatever, sports, work, music, life away from the physical space… i don't recall much eye contact… a moment, perhaps… the harsh words were avoided… i said something about the NCAA tournament that was on TV and the conversation began… it seemed welcome… i wonder sometimes if either Raspy or Precious read this blog…

when i got back from the concert last night i found that Raspy actually washed his dishes after cooking last night… usually they would sit on the stove, counter, and/or sink for days or longer… the stovetop was left as splattered as always and the almost invisible layer of grease that covers every surface in the kitchen was ignored, but a definitely change happened… i wonder how much of that was in reaction to my pointing out the mess to Precious or writing about it here and how much was coincidence as i made no direct mention of it to Raspy that i can recall in the past few days… there is no proof of the non-verbal telepathic of physical energy, but it may exist as much as anything else…

sometime during the evening Raspy mentioned he was going to the store to get more diet pepsi and i asked him to get me some soda… i wonder how much this occasional indulgence for me was my way of reaching out and relating to his cola-caffeine and sweet taste addiction and how much was my own self-indulgence out of frustration, self-pity, or fukitol (the latter being my most dominant reaction to this world in recent years, but that is another entry, essay, or probably volumous philosophical epic life story chapter for another time)… in any case, i was semi-conscious when he asked if i wanted Code Red, my usual indulgence when i drink sugar-caffeine drinks (though that has been changing a bit of late too) and i recall saying no and thinking maybe Dr. Pepper or something sweet… my last thought before drifting off was surprise me… i love it when someone surprises me with something i want because i let myself believe they know me and care…

when i woke i had not exactly realized that i nodded off and i asked Raspy how long i was sleeping and he said an hour or couple of hours… he was sitting in the same place in front of the TV and i asked if he went out and he did and told me i fell asleep right after saying no to Code Red and never told him what i wanted, so he guessed and got me Dr. Pepper… he figured he couldn't go wrong cuz Precious drinks it too… irony, telepathy, caring, coincidence, who knows… he also got me some dove unconditional chocolate ice cream, which is one of my favorites… i will choose believe that it suggests that he does pay attention… and cares in his way…

Raspy mentioned that Precious was talking about moving out at the end of the lease, though apparent she expects him to pay her way… i don't know when that conversation started and whether it was accelerated by the confrontation with me about her inconsiderate living choices here, but my first thought was who would ever tolerate her mess and isn't it just like her to expect Raspy to pay for everything… she is working now, after all… and she about maxed out her credit card… but she just doesn't spend anything on either Raspy or me and is dragging her feet about paying back the money she borrowed from me to buy her car… i don't want to keep encouraging her spoiledness, so i am resisting my impulse to call the $600 a gift… i wonder how much she resents me for that…

when Precious returned after spending two nights at her friends, she sat on the arm of the couch that Raspy was sitting on (her stuff was on the seat and floor in front of the couch so she'd have had to clean up to sit next to him)… we all watched a bit of TV, i forget what... they both showered and were preparing to go out to eat and i was not hungry at all so i should not have gone, but Raspy hung out a few moments after Precious went downstairs and i asked where they were going and somehow we all ended up at Macaroni Grill (half my meal sits in the fridge, so i exercised a bit of limit)… so i suppose it is back to the status quo around here, though it would be nice if the slight change in clean up in the kitchen continued… and expanded…

at the moment i should be sleeping as i start a new week and must be up for work in less than six hours, but i am waiting for Raspy to give me back my phone (his work phone does not have long distance and he needed to make a call… he usually uses the phone i got for Precious, but she ignored his calls tonight and hasn't come home yet so he asked to use mine… my phone is my alarm clock and notepad and scheduler, so i need to set it for a new week before i fall asleep… so tomorrow starts a new week and i am starting it on less sleep than i should… this habit is taking years off this life, along with the other habits, eating, lack of exercise, desensitizing to the environment, not creating a home for myself, not singing, not loving, not being me more, la la la… isn't this were we came in?...

hopefully he remembers to give it back to me so i don't have to wake him… i really should be asleep right now (it's after 2am in RealTime™)… so maybe i'll write another entry using the rest of my brain, the parts that don't sleep, the parts that keep me balanced even as the world around me crumbles or destroys itself or wastes away or plays empty songs of discord and careless inconsideration… i wonder where the amusement park of my mind might take me (us… you are still out there, right?)…

at least i had one day of rest… that's a big smile :)

i think this was monday night

this entry is a response to comments from the previous entry, or Friday's entry if another entry ever gets slipped in between, and i have lots of partial entries and scribbles to upload, so might as well start with this one... a lot more eloaborating would be done right now if i wasn't such a sick puppy... so for anyone who missed this in comments, here... and for anyone not understanding the flow, see the comments to Friday's entry... and for anyone who cares, yay... and for anyone who doesn't, boo... and for now, on with the comment entry written monday night, i think...

.

i feel like crap, a head full of snot, but i'm taking two days off and Rasputin actually did some massive cleaning today not done, but major change)... so in spite of the head respiratory clog, i'm a very happy camper... excited to have a couple of sudden days off where once would have been work for others...

The Waterboys latest CD is growing on me, as their CDs usually do... my first reaction was what happened?... referring to Mike Scott's lyrics and their unique sound... but it's slowly showing through the new CD, simply because Mike Scott has a style and voice i love and the rest of The Waterboys compliment him well...

I napped after work in a somewhat less cluttered space and I just might pick up all of Precious's stuff from the living room floor and put it on the couches and vacuum the place in the morning... that'll certainly help the nose...

and now, back to importing CDs to iTunes... I am using the Apple Lossless format cuz somebody told me it;s the best for retaining sound quality in spite of the large size of the files... it seems though that the size of the files might just as well be wav files and the conversion is merely making them playable on Apple equipment only, which means i may have to re-convert them back if i want to burn CDs for playing a copy in regular CD players, but that's for later redundancy...

iTunes provides a great database, actually, just not as manipulatable as an Access database i build myself and i have not found a way to cut, paste, or print the actual data in the database, so i am increasing the redundancy factor of my musical endeavors yet again by typing in the info i want from each CD into an Access database of my own design...

much like i did once upon a time...

the weekend was beautiful in spite of the head, Saturday was rest and Sunday was trying out for a new softball league (in spite of the head) and i'm the pitcher for the new team made up of the players that nobody else wanted on their teams... a few need to learn how to catch, throw, play a position, and pay attention to the game, but otherwise it'll be much fun, hysterically amusing, in fact...

the managers thanked me for pitching as they wouldn't have had one more team in their league without me as nobody else was going to pitch for this team of rejects, but hopefully we'll come together and they'll learn something about the game and pay attention and get better and have some fun... the manager says she is a hardass taskmaster who will focus on fundamentals and work us into shape...

today i went to work after pondering calling in and after checking the schedule, i told them i was taking Tuesday and Wednesday off... i would have left early, but admissions needed help and it was new employee orientation so i stuck it out and helped out by doing an intake assessment and doing some extra orientation training (besides the stuff i usually do) and started a project for my assistant to continue cuz it's so efficient he ran out of work to do again... Thursday i'll get back to my work... i'm such a hero, huh?...

don't miss the sarcasm to much...

i'm an ambivalent, somewhat apathetic roommate as i ignore the mess my roommates make and let the space become what it is, which is definitely not what i would make of it if i cared to mold it myself... i just tired of cleaning up after them years ago and accept complacency as a fair compromise for the company and drain on my economy and negative effects on my health and family feeling i sometimes get...

hmmmm, stop me before i re-evaluate my sanity once more...

actually, i don't pay rent, i pay all utilities, including phone, caple, internet, and whatnot... it varies from $400 to $600 a month, depending on time of year and incidental expenses... rent itself went up to almost $1300 this month cuz of the waffling about moving that led to us signing a 7 month lease and Raspy covers that... i spend more on food for them than they spend on me, so there's a strange balance that somehow we accept without counting pennies as a family sometimes does... a strange arrangement, perhaps, as Mike Scott might say...

as for thinking too much, i was referring almost entirely to that post that inspired that comment and did not realize that it was not you thinking, but rather James... i think you used to think too much, but as far as i can tell, you've found a way to relieve much of the pressure you used to have in your brain in the last year or so... of course this long distance assessment may be worthless and wrong, but then, i may be right, we may be crazy, or it just may be a lunatic i'm looking at, or for, even... where's the mirror?...

i respect your journey through sesshins much more than i mention it, but then, we must keep the cynic on toes, or something like that, so bravo on the side and laughter in the middle and love all around...

yeah, i've been putting my words and music into databases for a long time, though stopped back in the nineties when i let go of the material world again, sort of... but speaking of that database, sort of, see the once upon a time link above in this comment...

yeah, the first two or three thousand or so songs i put on this 500GB MyBook i bought were ripped as mp3s by itunes... i used to use EasyCD Creator, but iTunes was already installed with a lot of music on this laptop so i just went with it... this last batch of 100+ CDs i am importing to the drive are going in as Apple Lossless, just cuz i have the 500GB luxury of storage space... i thing i evenhear the different in sound quality, but then, that could just be psychological snobbery...

yeah, mac air... someday, maybe... i do have a G4 desktop with a 21 inch monitor sitting idle a few feet away that i've simply not made time to put plug in and explore... one of these days, when i am through loading all my music to this MyBook and have the extra time... and finally buy a comfortable desk chair... and maybe a desk...

and that's what you inspired with your comments, for which i am very thankful cuz in responding to you, i smiled a lot and cleared a few cobwebs from my head...

hope it was good for you too :)

and hope your world is wonderful tonight :)

catching up x 4

and so four days zipped by this time and it's time to start catching up (as if this was the first of the four entries uploaded tonight just cuz it's the first I upload cuz it's the last I wrote so it falls into place in linear reading down the page)... this always makes for orphan entries ("little orphan entries", copyright 2007), which is what I am calling my next blog when I start it, which might be when I get the new computer, which will be sooner than never... little orphan entries are the entries that get no comments, no feedback, no notice, ya know?... cuz leaving a comment is kind of like adopting an entry, isn't it?...

anyway, not to belabor yet another unintended guilt trip (I really don't mean to, but I was brought up in a Judeo-Christian world by Judeo-Christian people and the foundation {or at least the residual secular everyday life stuff born of religions} of most everything is guilt tripping, after all, so it's kind of ingrained in my psyche even though I am not always completely human (but I suppose I am getting better at it, which is seeming more obnoxious with each step... or repulsive), let's get to the question burning everybody's lips (exaggeration is the second strongest influence, ya know) , where have I been?...

way back on today, or Thursday, as I was thoroughly enjoying putting my head into a Jar, I juggled some more work at work and trained the temporary data person some more and after getting home, I believe I zoned into something on TV while falling to sleep in the big green chair while waiting for Precious to call for her ride home (I'm almost ready to buy her a car myself so she might show some signs of independence cuz by now all her peers are off to college and not living home while she's still a couple or few years behind, just starting on her first job and still without a driver's license as she approaches her 19th birthday... of course if I could afford to buy her a car I'd have a new desktop and a new laptop)...

the phone rang to wake me and Precious tells me she has a ride, so i could have either gone to bed, gone out somewhere, or otherwise occupied my time with something other than nodding off while sitting and waiting for her call, but that's the way it is with any teenager who firmly believes the whole world revolves around her... I knew it didn't revolve around me before I was out of diapers, but then, I'm not very normal, or even always human, after all... and then I think I browsed the web and fell asleep and along came Friday...

in spite of intending to get out of work early at least one day this week, the week ended with me staying late every night cuz there's just no way to get caught up on two jobs while training someone to do one of them in a normal 40 hour work week...

once home, it was an ordinary Friday night, vegetating in front of the TV with the Sci-Fi channel and ordering from Paradiso (so I had food for a few days without having to clean up the kitchen so I could cook)... and Saturday was college football cuz Rasputin is a serious college football fan (Ohio State) and I get into the game day routine pretty easily... I seem to have lost all interest in fantasy sports these days as I've abandoned all the leagues I signed up for (but still may finish second in one of the baseball leagues, which is quite amazing as I've ignored the team all year)... I spent some time wandering myspace and sending out some more add requests, rather randomly this time... Raspy and I went to eat at the local Chinese buffet Saturday evening and then it was back to college football as I nodded off in the big green chair...

Sunday was another day of vegetation at home with the NFL on TV (the televised games are getting so very boring), eating the leftover Italian food, heading out for ice cream, and tapping away at the keyboard to bring you these four entries that you long anticipated, so tenderly read, and thoroughly enjoyed...

now all I need to know is what I can take with me on my business trip in October, like, do I have to buy new toiletries and shaving stuff there or do I have to wait in line to check in an overnight bag and wait for the airline to unload it (or lose it) at the destination extending the time in the airport another hour or few?... there must be some website where I can find this information so I can be prepared and not be looking for an all night store in Oklahoma City so I can spend unnecessary money so I don't smell or look disheveled...

well, that's not all I need to know, but that's one thing... I don't think I won the lottery again yesterday... not that I check, but I figure I'll hear about it on the news and if some idiot in Orlando won and did not show up to collect his winnings I'll check if it's me...

and what's this on 60 Minutes tonight about stores selling marijuana legally?... probably medical marijuana or something... while I have no interest in drinking anymore and very minimal interest in tripping or any other chemical mind games, I might share a social pipe now and then if the old weed was legalized... I should visit Sandy Eggo and explore meditative alternatives with the west coast mindset, aye?...

anyway, thanks for all the attention while I was away, you are appreciated... even when you are not around... I'll upload these entries now and let you get on with your mental orgasms...

because I love

I just responded to a dozen or so comments I got at myspace in the past week or two cuz I've not spent time responding there lately... how do you describe the feeling of reading comments at your blogs?... sometimes there are no words, just a beaming grin... whether the words are deeply touching from someone who's known me for decades and found me out here on the web, or simple applause from a relative stranger, or a challenging confrontation from a concerned citizen for his or her own unspoken reasons, it is like winning a prize every time...

for me, at least :)

this entry is mostly gonna bring you a comment inspired by a comment from the one and only z0tl, another devotee of obscurity (there's a phrase for the ages) who strives to live in the moment by consistently deleting posts in the present and the past (including my most rambling comments at his blogspot before I cut and past them so I'll never know if they were profound or nonsense or both or even slightly worth repeating), just cuz I caught up on sleep tonight and have nothing else to post about except a million other things I am too lazy to put into words...

the myspace blog I wrote was because I love you and it ended in a dare for anyone reading... not that the dare was what anyone responded to, but I amuse myself when I challenge readers in a blog cuz I am probably mostly challenging myself under the guise of writing to everyone else (shhhh, that's secret decoder ring stuff, because I love you, ya know)...

I think maybe a profound hukka might have slipped into my responding comment, but I'll let you and the tree and the flower decide what you think... I thank mr. z for the response and inspiration and include z-words once again because cuz I love the way he proves it, often in spite of himself... and while you're reading, I shall open LEX-mail, for I received three letters via LEX (cuz letters is fun ya knowz) since I saved them from Friday night when I picked them (and the new music {and old music} I also picked up that night that I've barely mentioned yet) up while waiting for the Harry potter book to be released from it's publicity-mad dungeons) so while listening to Bright Eyes, following Snow Patrol and to be followed by Plain White Ts (and did I mention I am loving Alexa Ray Joel these days?), I give you the z0tl comment (from the z0tl context), followed by my reply:

what man i'm lissnin to your shannon thomasina or sumtin you're sayin these here messaging:z are mo meaningfool than the 1s ovah anywhere else? or is it the quality of the peoploids actually saying something?

everything said is NOTHING, i don't care if it has the complexity of q9's M-theories or the simplicity of haiku, if it's said, it's already boolshyat. say less, live more, i think that's the equation, except you can do more of both at the same eggsact time and whine about no one appreciating that ability.

or not being able to share it all with teh love of your life or something.

heya, i'm in 2o1o, the LA skyline has morphed in awesome way:z but it's all in my head even if you cruise in the same dolorian i'm in, you CAN'T C IT! get used to being alone eternally.

your:z

- - -

I love the way you pay attention across the various blogs I write - much thanks for this :)

it was not my intention to suggest any messages are more meaningful and I wasn't comparing comments - I was referring to the more private messages (Inbox) feature that allows for saving messages and responding directly more like email so the conversation becomes more personal and connected over time... the timelessness of comments is wonderful, so is the imaginary strings woven through time by continuing a conversation as we are doing now :)

it may be nothing
and it may be everything
momentary choice.

and the choice is yours
even if it is denied
by your consciousness.

I do love your insight (and reflective qualities), doing more simultaneously while lamenting over the lack of understanding or companionship in the achievment, the solitary process bursts with bliss even as it longs for more interaction, involvement, recognition, appreciation, and ultimately, the greater bliss of sharing... but... even if nobody was there at the moment, the tree fell and could be heard forever by anyone listening...

the wild flower blooms
silent appreciation
for the falling tree

and I enjoy your fast cars, spectacular sunsets, serene beaches, cliffs over crashing waves, scathing caresses, imaginary leaps, endless perspectives, and raging reflections too

thanks for paying attention and listening and responding :)

yeah, so when wondering why I continue (besides being wrapped up in an ever spiralling inward and outward continuum of curiosity and magic), it's cuz of love... love... love... even as jagged fragments of bittersweet memories cut deeply into my psyche and bleed my soul dry attempting to bury my spirit in heartbreak and despair, even as I fail to recall the names or the songs or artists that saved me so many times in the past via treasured mix tapes I made (and lost in others hands along the way... lost in others hands... lost in other's hands... lost in the hands of another... yeah... even as I sigh, I feel the bliss and and hope and even if it truly is madness, it is mine and they can't take that away from me, no no, they can't (nor the beaming grin it inspires... and whenever I picture a beaming grin lately, I see Dia, just so you know - she's got one of the classic beaming grins)...

Warped Tour was much fun, in spite of my sleep-deprived zombieness... the conclusion of the Harry Potter seris was great, in spite of my rushing through it... the hundreds of dollars in music and books and stuff I spent this weekend was worth it, in spite of what my wallet might say... the memories are all worth it, in spite of their barbs and thorns... the emo is still the best way to go, in spite of the dangers involved (not withstanding the foolish attempts at humiliation those who fear themselves push on all who dare to be alive)... and as No One Would Riot for Less plays it's haunting refrain behind me now, I send you much YAY and love and giggles and hugs cuz I just woke from about eight hours sleep and that's jump for joy time for me (cuz each time I open my eyes, remember?)...

til tomorrow...

brief

was asleep
now more awake
rushing off to work
happy idiot?

would be even more
with a partner in crime
but enjoying the time
in my rhyme

it's actually morning in RealTime™... I just woke and wandered around some of your blogs here at blogspot (no time for more or myspace or anything as I am not, once again, late (hopefully not rushing past yet another Alice along the way)... I'll leave the previous entry as the reading for the day (if you're looking for reading) as it contains a whole lot more words than this, but must set off to another day now (the best laid plans and all)... to wet my appitite (and perhaps yours with irony {synchronicity?} of a work in progress), this is where I left off on my journey through words this morning (with a little help from my friends):

more later, but for now... this brings to mind a line from a favorite Jackson Browne song, "The Late Show"...

cuz when you know
you've got a real friend somewhere
suddenly all the others are
so much easier to bear

and the the verse that follows is even more direct to my point to remind me of the value of dreams, but more, the value of actions...

now to see things clear
it's hard enough I know
when you're waiting for
reality to show
when you're dreaming of some perfect love
and holding on to stars above
you may stumble on to something real
and never know

from memory, so a word or two may be out of place, but I suddenly want to get back to that song (and the Eagles Wasted Time and the Carpenters Need to Be in Love and Billy Joel's Honesty and some others that make up the soundtrack of my heart...

gotta rush off now, torn between wanting to follow the inspiration you provide (once again) and the responsibilities of the day... bringing us back around to Jackson again... say a prayer for the pretender...

ah, to be the happy idiot so much more meaningful and worth it when the journey is shared by the one meant to share it, (and all we can do is sigh and say yeah... :)

'til tomorrow...

(and irony awaits :)

yeah, Don McLean too...

and a giggle and a sigh :)

not another manic monday

today was relaxing... Jake 2.0 was on all day, which was a good distraction and then, I cooked a steak and relaxed some more... Enterprise was the distraction for the evening, which was soon followed by V for Vendetta and now, The Outer Limits... yes, it was a full load TV day...

but not just TV... all day I felt progressively better and after the steak, I felt motivated to start laundry and it's still going... lots of loads later, I have run out of hanging room in my closet and have lots more T-shirts that need to go somewhere... I prefer to hang them as folding takes time and leaves folding lines... so a big pile of T-Shirts will live on the chair in my room again...

speaking of space, Q is not the only one reporting on the night sky of my readings... and this new information about our solar system not actually being an original part of the Milky Way is fascinating... I've always liked Sagittariuses...

for the health record, the BP is coming back down to normal, with less meds than yesterday and no diuretic and not much sleep, which leads me to wonder what set it off in the first place... all sorts of wonders wander through my head, from the simplest, the drug change, to complex possibilities like a kidney cyst bursting to some sort of reaction to Sucralose or gaining weight or a high carb week or a reaction to cutting out the diuretic (since the top number exploded while the bottom number only rose slightly and the pulse remained low) to a pancreatic or other glandular reaction to some sort of a stroke to any number of other more exotic theories that would make a good House episode...

of course I have consumed much garlic and oatmeal, both of which are known to lower BP... and I've consumed a lotless water in the past two days than I usually do... so these two factors might be compensating for acceptance of the new med at 75% today and the elimination of the diuretic too... I tried calling the doctor, but he didn't call back... I wish I could find a doctor who was well versed in holistic medicine and natural herbs and BP and kidneys and livers and the potential for type 2 diabetes and whatever else I might have going on in this body as the years move along in this life...

I just may boldly return to the gym tomorrow night... or some time this week... and that's the way it is, was, and always will be for this Monday in RealTime™... still more alone than ever, but not as lonely as yesterday and the pity party seems to be coming to a pause or lightening up or something... after all, I seem to be surviving, so there's still hope that I won't die all alone in RealSpace™ and RealTime™... I just want to be in love with someone who is in love with me one more time in this life, but I know we can't always get what we want...

so I ordered new T-Shirts, cuz Meg & Dia have new ones and I found a few others I liked, which might not make sense, given my overflowing closet, but it gives me some pleasure and perhaps, some illusion of control and contact and worth and most of all, hope for communication when I wear them someday... and I readjusted Libboland, though I haven't uploaded the changes yet... it's an easy escape, the physical fantasies, when the heart is feeling the ache of loneliness... especially with the right videos on the TV...

I may try the doctor again tomorrow... or I may give up on modern medicine as I've done a few times in this life and let life and death take it's natural course... or maybe I'll win the lottery, retire on some tropical island, fall in love, and live forever in bliss... so as another RealTime™ entry comes to it's unnatural end, I close with the hope that you've got what you want today and are enjoying it :)

sunday kind of love

while the TV competes with the iPod, I contunue resting... so read the previous entry if you want substance or meaning (if it means anything to you) while I enjoy another day of rest... hope you enjoy your day too :)

lazy Sunday again

never mind filling out the previous entry, let's just catch up here... so I wandered myspace last night finding all sorts of amusing and interesting stuff (which would have turned into several btc entries if I was in the btc babbling mode these days, but as it is, there's just more links and paragraphs added to the scribble files), finally falling asleep somewhere around 8am... so I slept most of the day... it rained all day, hard at times, so the timing was good...

when I woke, Precious was ready to tell me all about her week away and we talked a few hours, ate dinner (I had salad, she cooked tacos, so the kitchen is a wreck food left out, grease spalltered all over the sink, the usual), and then she went out with Dreamer (who just got back from Greece) to catch up with her... Rasputin is at work, inventory day (on his day off)... he's been there 12 hours already and he'll be a while longer...

Saw is on the tube, not a very good movie... game 2 of the NBA Finals comes on in a short while... I'll probably head down to the gym early and do a long lighter workout since the muscles could use a night off, but the fat cells do not... these lazy weekends are bittersweet as I enjoy relaxing, but want more activity and interaction in the physical world... the internet keeps me amused and fends off some loneliness, but it's vegetative for the body...

the rain seems to have stopped... I think a walk is in order... hope you are finding amusement and relaxation and activity and interactions in healthy and satisfying balance out there :)

vegetable Sunday

yup, all the old habits... out to lunch at Amigo's (Mexican) with Rasputin and Precious, spending more money, eating more starches and fats, coming home to sit in front of the TV all day and evening and night... no laundry, no cleaning, no gym, no activity, no creativity, no interactions, just vegetating... not even getting any extra sleep... boring, unhealthy, and less fun than ever... this is good :)

5am Monday morning

I started this entry several times already, but blogger or the old computer has not been cooperating and I've let myself wander over to myspace again and again to be inspired by some writings and music there... I'll post the rhymes somewhere one of these days... anyway, if this works this time, it's gonna be briefer than the brief entry it as going to be the first time I started so I might get a couple of hours sleep... maybe...

Raspy ordered pizza today and I partook... bloat... and no gym, second day in a row... bloat bloat... and oddly, my left arm is stiff as if I strained a muscle, but I didn't use the muscles, so the stiffness is very odd... obviously a sign that skipping the gym is unwise...

the determination to get hardcore for the next few weeks ought to come one of these days (as it's been gone for the last couple of weeks and I've just been maintaining and that's quite boring and I don't do bored well or for long)... as expected, I watched the NBA playoffs and mostly vegetated today... hopefully the rest pays off, though I seem to be missing the sleep cycle a 9-5 job requires once again... alas, I am nocturnal, live with it...

and with that third smile I conclude wishing you happy thoughts and the will to honestly love yourself in everything you do today...

and me too :)

another peaceful day and almost silent night

cuz sometimes internal focus takes precedent even over the babbling I love :)

all is well, rest is good :)

hope you are too :)

so I called in sick

for the first time in more than a year, I decided to play hookie from work today... the body required some extra rest with all the stones it's been juggling of late and it was the right day to do it... and so I slept until mid-afternoon or so and then had some spaghetti and calzone (so much for losing more wight this week, aye?) and napped a bit more and then went to the gym... good workout, then relaxed and came here and that's the whole day... nothing more to say, at least not here :)

nothing much

one of those days when I feel like I'm wasting my time... it shall pass and I'll be back with more meaningless babble and exaggerated drama tomorrow, but for now, hope you had a sweet Sunday and g'nite...

body thoughts and life

I got a message on the phone today reminding me about an appointment I made for tomorrow with a gastroenterologist type doctor at the bequest (nay, demand at the threat of expulsion) of my regular doctor (who I respect, but feel is kind of an alarmist overly cautious type, maybe)... and maybe it's time to deal with the occasional pains I get in the liver area since it's the liver enzymes that have my regular doc all up in arms lately... and here I always thought it would be the kidneys that would give out first... they've been pushed to their limits too in this newly awakening exercise madness I've undertaken recently... human or not, I am certainly in a very imperfect body...

meanwhile, after a rather queasy day that might have been caused by excessive exercise or not eating anything at all yesterday (and drinking more than a gallon and a half of water... there is such a think as too much water, after all) or some bug in all the fresh greens and stuff I eat from the salad buffet at work (but I didn't eat yesterday, right) or the fact that I have started cooking in a kitchen that is never actually clean and where everything is covered in a layer of animal fat and fish oil or maybe just another phase of the kidneys or liver or some part of the body warning me to rest more or maybe just the feeling of body fat being squeezed and consumed cuz there's no food coming in or perhaps the muscles of the abdomen themselves waking and aching a bit after years of dormancy...

I still went down for 40 minutes on the machine and 3.75 miles in the first 30 minutes is far from a light pace, but 40 minutes makes it a light workout compared to the workouts of the past month... and now, instead of going to bed and getting some extra sleep, I am waiting for some fish to bake cuz even though I am not actually hungry, I think the body may be and all the experts say that fasting is not the best way to do what I am doing cuz fasting puts the body in shock mode and lowers the metabolism and resists using fat stores and so on...

right, so hopefully I'll start on the path to finding out that I am not dying from a failing liver or kidneys and the inner aches are just muscles and organs reawaking and struggling to return to some sort of healthy, active, awake, sensitive state...

or at worst, I've got some stones in the gall bladder (I already know they're in the kidneys) and we'll deal with treating a repairable body part...

now I have a new blog (not one of the two new ones mentioned yesterday, but an older new one just started in the past month or so) called body thoughts that would probably be the right place for this, but here it is anyway...

after all, you are here...

meanwhile, at work, I finally gathered all the data for the end of month report that was due last week and I will start putting it into the database tomorow and maybe get it out on Monday cuz I am considering taking Friday off just to rest (my birthday gift to me?)... this is the first month I am late with any report and nobody in the place actually knows unless I tell them and the place I send the data too is still reconciling 2006 data, so I doubt they'll notice or care about a week or two... there's just less time to work on the other projects people seem to take for granted that I'll do for them... they'll survive...

just like I survive the environment and influences and farts...

at home, Precious's drama drama (that is, the drama that is the drama department at her school, which has been virtually her whole life for quite some time now because her best friends are wrapped up in it even more than she is - one is the lead in the production, the other is the lighting director, and a third is the second role)... the lead lost his part due to irresponsible actions and attitude last week, but the teacher-director is reconsidering because she's an ass to begin with and should never have allowed the situation to get where it got and she overreated publically because she is the biggest drama queen and prima donna of them all (and she's the adult, teacher, director, role model)... anyway, he might be getting his part back... he's got an amazing voice, famous in the high school community as one of the top male voices in the area...

and after the fish and some rest I feel much better... that points to muscle fatigue... perhaps it is an imbalance of protein or some nutrient... hopefully it is muscle pain and the salt and other nutrients and a bit of rest fixed it... anyway, the fasting and high intensity exercise is not the ideal way so I'll just have to be a bit more patient... after all, I am three pounds away from the April 19th goal which is way ahead of schedule, but still, so many years have gone...

I feel like I'm blah blah blahing in circles again... I suppose that is what I do most of the time, but it's easy to fool myself into thinking this is the first moment I am realizing something or revealing some information... trying to feel like it matters or is important or something cuz I want it to matter and be important as the first time when I find the one, you know, that romantic fantasy I live for?...

yeah, still the same old song...

the more I move the more I wake the more I wake the more I miss the more I miss the more I ache the more I ache the more I realize how much time is passing without what I want most in this life and all the lamenting and pity-partying is part of why I don't have what I want most and so all I need is a little more patience (who's that?... Guns and Roses?) and hope and positivity and continuing the return to being physically as alive as possible again...

hope you continue doing what is best for you too...

whole lotta crashing going on

I have such minimal expectations for Microsoft products that the frustration level seldom rises above a sad acceptance of inferior standards and corrupt ideals which, for better or worse, reflect most American standards and ideals these days... I might not be reminded so much if it weren't for Microsoft though...

anyway, I started this entry a few times in the past few hours and what's left of it in my head is going to be brief cuz I want to get some sleep tonight... today was relaxing and comfortable, as are most days in this life for me... a long phone conversation with a stranger (and dangit if I didn't miss another call I didn't want to miss today)... and a couple of text messages from myspace people popped up... the phone is still not the blessing it once was, but it's no longer a dagger and most of the time it's getting a bit better for me when it rings...

the TV went off sometime in the afternoon and didn't come on again all night, yay for minor miracles... Precious had a project - to find the perfect song for her current #1 obsession (if only he wasn't gay) to sing in solo performance in competition... so we listened to some show tunes and I gave her some suggestions... that and the phone call filled the afternoon and I napped in the evening until heading to the gym... another good workout, another couple of pounds lost, and then I came here to start this entry and catch up on entering the stats into the fitness program and the mostlydead log...

several crashes later I am back here summing up what might have been a longer and more playful entry and there we have my Sunday... not even an April Fool's joke, aye?... sheesh, relazing, comfortable and boring... but then, you don't come here to be entertained, you come here cuz you love me and want to know all the mundane details of life as I attempt to be human... I never did get any laundry done this weekend, dangit... miss you...

so are we having fun? (nite nite :)

Friday the Rabbi slept

work, home, gym, sleep... what more is there to say?... ok, NCAA basketball... great games, if you enjoy the sport... most of my writing time is going to gym and recovery time... still eating strict, doubled the anti-biotic which seems to have stopped the worst of the bug, still feeling the fight go on... Me: 7, E.Coli: 5

I adore you for reaching out in other ways while I am gone... your karma points must be rising :)

being sick alone is no fun

but on the other hand, I am a horrible patient because I am fiercely independent, must have things my way when it comes to healing, and am repulsed by over-dramatic pity... I cringe when someone says I'm sorry when finding out I am sick because it is worse than meaningless, it is stupid... but then, I have an aversion to the word sorry based on it's generally self-pathetic meaning... sorry is a sorry word and worse way to be... but it's not considered polite to ask a person who is sorry flat out what have you got to be sorry about?... so I often smile and ask why, what did you do? and sometimes they get it... more often I simply say it's not your fault or it's nothing you did or no reason to be sorry...

anyway...

my standards for nurturing are unique... and I almost always believe I know what is best for this body because I live in it (kind of a duh to me, if you know what I mean)... of course, if I am not in touch with this body, which is the state of being for most humans I've met, then I may not be the best one to decide what is best for this body... usually I am in touch though... in fact, too much so, but that's another story...

so I was/am sick... let's backtrack... some time Sunday evening I started feeling the unpleasant symptoms of urethritis, the start of a UTI (urinary track infection), including low grade fever... being a passer of kidney stones every decade or so (though that delightful event is on the increase), I tend to be prone to UTIs... I decided not to let a little unpleasantness stop me from going to the gym though, so I put on a sweat shirt to stay warmer...

an hour on the Lifecycle later a(with, ironically, excellent times) and I felt very fatigued... and then, about an hour later, the queasiness started... the E.Coli was moving into the bladder and producing all the usual symptoms of a bladder infection... a steamy hot shower soothed the body for a while, but the water in this place does not stay hot enough for true shower therapy (I so miss that) and sleep was not easy to find (so why am I still awake at 3am tonight?... shhhh, these are the times that I do not question my brain)... concern moved from should I get an antibiotic in the morning to should I call the doctor in the morning to oh no, I hope I don't have to go to the ER tonight...

somewhere along the way I fell asleep...

the sleep was restless though, with frequent trips to the bathroom... I kept popping cranberry capsules and got up to go to work... I asked my boss for a prescription and she gave me 5 days worth of Bactrim, which I hope will be enough because my doctor's receptionist said I could not talk to my doctor... that is the single real bummer of the day because I do not want a doctor who forces me to go to the emergency room or another doctor when I have a minor emergency and that was my only alternative if I wanted my urine tested (which is the right procedure)... alas, personal trust is gone and that makes for a piss poor doctor patient relationship...

anyway, I left work at noon and got my antibiotics and while there, had my opil changed and shopped for food and then came home and took some more cranberry (I couldn't find BearBerry at the store) and felt ok enough to eat so I had the salad I got for lunch at work and a can of soup... then I vegged in the big green chair... a bit of a nap... Prison Break and 24 on the TV... then 40 minutes at the gym... I allowed myself to stop at 40 minutes cuz I am fighting E.Coli in my spare time, after all, and I did not want a repeat of last night wherein I left too little energy for the fight and the E.Coli started moving toward my kidneys...

I am feeling a bit better now, that is, no more of the call of the bathroom symptoms (except the frequent urination, which is as much due to the hourly 20 hounces of water I am consuming as the UTI)... the good news is I am finding much will power to avoid food and dropped to another couple of pounds according to the gym scale...

and the last few hours I've been all excited about my new statistical tracking software and while I still have more to learn, it's almost just what the doctor in my head ordered... ways to record the physical experience, choices, and changes this body is going through and view statistics (have I mentioned that I love statistical games enough yet?)... it's not perfect, but it's a fun new toy...

ok, so maybe it's a little fun :}

and here we are... I should get to sleep so the body can do some more healing and not relapse, especially since I only have 5 days worth of antibiotics and the usual course is 10-14 days... I may try my doctor again if there are still symptoms on day four and see if she is simply too busy to deal with this level of care or if the receptionist made a big mistake in blocking my call and suggesting I try another doctor or the ER... I think I'm going to start shopping around for another doctor cuz I'd like one that is much more into holistic and herbal medicine anyway...

hope you are finding something to smile about in your world tonight :)

12 days of crazy

yes, twelve consecutive days ay the gym with increasing effort and results each day... tonight?... 120mn, 12.89m, 1292c... that means 2 full non-stop hours on the Lifecycle and 12.89 miles and 1292 calories burned... averaging 6.445 miles per hour for two hours... 6.95mph for the first 30 minutes... 6.82mph for the first hour... 6.61mph for 100 minutes... the rest of the stats are where the stats are kept and may be meaningless (and are way sub-standard) in the long run, but it's still a sign of the crazy in me at the moment...

I'm gonna rest now :)

ditto

yesterday was not Thursday, in case you thought it was... it was just another day of lounging (lounge ing... spelling eludes me) ) around doing nothing but watching a bit of TV and eating and napping... I am getting in touch with my inner sloth...

and today (or yesterday, sort of), was the same except I went to work and worked on end of month reports... sluggishly, though, as the inner sloth is strong in this one...

hopefully your life is more exciting, or you are at least enjoying the nothingness of sloth as much as me... and I do enjoy it, all except the bloat... excuse me...

much burping and rolling over to you :)