stop the stresses!

now if I had some really exciting news that might actually be a clever title, but alas it simply refers to me reminding myself (and you, if it helps) to refocus your mind and energy when waves of stress roll in...

I just woke to empty my bladder and didn't fall back to sleep when I laid back down... six hours sleep probably isn't enough for the current sudden change of physical habits I am doing, but something kept me awake...

maybe it was/is the smell in the kitchen... yes, the food remains uncovered in pots and pans on the stove, the smears and crumbs and Pepsi bottles and dirty dishes remain all over the stove and counters and sink and floor, the trash bags remain open and overflowing in the kitchen and out in the dining room on the chairs... and I just keep remembering I am from NYC where one of my jobs as I worked my way through high school and college was as an exerminator so we do not have bugs...

yet...

yeah, so anyway, part of what is running through my mind is feeling bad for the kids at work because I have no adequate replacement who is going to care about them and take care of their needs in the morning... this became excruciatingly obvious last night as the person who’s been working there nine years blatantly showed he could care less about the work or the kids by playing passive aggressive and avoiding the training yet again (even though he complains he’s not being trained every day)... after nine years you’d think he’d know his job, but playing stupid is allowed at that place...

I didn’t think he’d be allowed to go as far as he did (he avoided the work until it was too late to do it, so it simply did not get done and the kids were asking me in the morning all their usual questions and I had no answers)... he also left the unit more than 50% of the night on a night when we did not have the staff for breaks so I had to fill out an incident report because we could not follow doctor’s orders... another staff was fired just this week for doing exactly what he did...

what bugged me the most was that Elpien simply allowed it to happen... with her as supervisor and staff who do not even pay attention to the kids, no less the work, I feel bad about leaving the unit because the kids will suffer... and the fact that management lets it continue year after year pisses me off even more...

dumping on me is one thing, but neglecting the kids is another...

anyway, I have one more night, tonight, and I am writing this (and wrote a few entries btc if you are interested) to prepare for the letting go I shall do tonight... that part of me that feels I am betraying the kids by leaving the unit must come to understand (again) that I can not do everything (I just hate the concept ”can’t ya know... and I don’t hate much) and that I must change my work tasks now and then to stay fresh and be able to give my best...

the same thing happened the last time I took a management position in health care... rationally, I know that I will have more opportunity to help the kids as I have more chance to influence the rest of management... but the direct hands on caring for their daily lives is what matters most and that I must leave in other hands and the rub is those other hands are careless, apathetic, unpleasant hands...

so I am not going back to sleep just now as six hours is more than enough to be awake enough to ponder and deal with these changes... part of it is dealing with the personal changes of diet and exercise and the hormonal shifts in this body (a week off would have been good so I could focus on this alone)... and the stress of Elpien eating and flaunting my favorite food, pizza, again last night didn’t help... misery loves company and the obese want everyone to be as addicted to food as they are...

and the stress of finding an Ativan (narcotic) sitting in a drawer in a med cup (obviously prepared for one of the kids, most likely the one who must get her seizure meds on time or we run the risk of grand mals that put her in the emergency room, but not administered) and the knowledge that the bosses will probably gloss over yet another very dangerous mistake by the new day nurse did not help either...

dropping eleven pounds in four days adds stress too...

but it’s all good because I am removing myself from having to watch the negligent patient care on a first hand basis every night and I need a break from that... I know I touched many hundreds of kids and helped them out and there comes a time when stepping back is the best one can do... I’ll still be close enough for them to come to me if they are ready to reach out and I’ll pick up some shifts too...

and I am changing the proximity and distancing myself from some very unhealthy (physically and mentally) people... this is necessary as the psychic drain can only continue for so long before I burn out...

and I am changing my personal habits and that’s definitely all good... I must accept the truth in the fact that I can not save anyone and can not help everyone, especially if I am not helping or saving myself... yeah, logic and truth... still, I shall miss waking the kids and starting their day off with honest love and active caring, something they so dearly lack in their lives and will not get from any other staff...

and here we are back in RealTime™...

I’m off to the gym now...