holy crap (and wow)
I felt like Sally Fields receiving an Oscar...
no really, look:
Feb 18 2007 4:12A
getting a comment from you is better than goose bumps, it's that feeling Sally Field tried to express when you got an Oscar, that feeling that overwhelms any concern with how anyone might perceive how unbelievably (corny, sappy, pathetic, emo... I wonder what the next generation will call it, he says with a chuckle to lighten, but hopefully not completely obliterate the mood) uninhibited one can be and how good it feels to get some recognition and appreciation from someone who understands that it can be a long hard climb to the top of a mountain (or the pedestal others might put you on just cuz you're wildly beautiful, brilliantly clever, amazingly talented, and above all else, utterly fearless - as you are in words and pictures)...
it's all real and true, but anybody who thinks it's something you're just born with doesn't understand that life is journey...
Aerosmith, emo? :)
maybe I should have just said thank you with all my heart and soul and smiled :)
see what I mean?... ummm, maybe I should start at the beginning (and I'll do just that in one of the catch up entries btc any day now)... meanwhile, here in RealTime™, I spent the last uncounted hours wandering around myspace sending out add requests to people for reasons I don't actually remember at the moment... they were friends of a certain several myspaces, but I apparently have had my head examined and emptied by the past hour or few of catching up reading Miss Bandit who, in my mind, becomes a better writer and story-teller with every read... we definitely share a frighteningly similar sense of humor, though I am probably usually a whole lot more subtle and subdued and obscure about it, but that's much more because I am mostly dead in so many ways and not any conscious attempt at politeness... not that I make any conscious attempt at being rude, but...
I'm rambling... anyway, Zoe (Miss Bandit) posted a powerful entry that sent me into my dark dungeons of despair (hey, where better to keep despair?) to relate my own journey through the pits (and holy crap) in support of her candid peak into herself (and that will become a btc entry as well, I think, though it comes from the land of the mostly dead)... and that's what I did with this Saturday night (now being recorded here for you this Sunday morning, but of course, as I am in the habit of doing, back dated to Saturday just so Sunday doesn't have two entries and Saturday doesn't get none... I think that's much more because of the arrangement of the entries than any sort of OCD symptom, but it could be both... anyway, it's what I do)...
and I'm still not getting to any sort of brevity point... college basketball was on the tube most of the day, but it was muted mid-afternoon after Rasputin and I returned from the local Chinese Buffet and he fell asleep on the couch, so I enjoyed mostly blissful silence... that's so rare I didn't even turn on music until just a moment ago... and the myspace wandering... that's it, all the news that happened in this day in RealTime™ in this life I so irreverently call mine...
and the cold germs dug in deeper last night and are making a serious attempt to take over my chest and give me a chest cough (as opposed to a nasal drip) and sneezing has increased and I did it to myself cuz I cooked in the kitchen and ate in the house and at the restaurant across from Raspy and drove around with him and when bombarded by his cold in such close proximity for days on end, well, this body is not immune to the human illnesses... but even though the head is a bit foggy and the body is yucky, it was a wonderful day in my mind :)
I'm gonna go babble behind the candoor now, maybe get a few uploaded, but more likely the upload will be tomorrow if it happens this week... there's always hope (and I'm a hoping cuz you know how I get when the babble gets backed up... I start babbling almost uncontrollably anywhere I write like comments or here even in this supposed-to-be brief place)...
I hope you've been feeling productive and appreciated and understood tonight... it's really a wonderful feeling, even if the journey to get there sucks sour grapes (hmmm, I haven't done that in a while) or a lot worse... there's not much better than being understood in this world... it makes everything feel better and the world all full of love and fresh flowers and chocolate streams and whipped cream fountains and cherry trees and fudge rocks and warm cozy homes, ya know?...
I love you J
Labels: babble, btc, catharsis, comments, emo, food, germs, heart, history, hope, joy, love, myspace, peace, rtmt, seg, sniffles, wow, yay
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
3 Comments:
I guess it's sorta like what you say at btc...comments are like happy pills...so I'm happy to hear about this happy pill you describe :)
Too much indulgence in junk food yesterday has left me with more pain today, my own fault of course, but the extreme levels of Dreyer's Rocky Road ice cream were oh so sensually enjoyable at the time. I'm trying to remember how pleasurable it was at the time because right now there isn't anything of joy happening as a result of such overindulgence.
So I hope your Sunday is filled with dancing and chocolate and more happy pill comments and friends and love and joy and daisies and all that makes this world wonderful and beautiful and worth being in.
Love you, hug you, yay you!
so i went there and spent like 1/2 hour reading zoe's blurb on hellish depression and the 2oo+ comments in reply, including your short recollection of homelessness caused by unrequited love.
there's only one thing i cannot agree with and that is the attitude of many that omgomg once you've survived the so called bottom, you are now so fukkin strong that you can be assured it won't happen again and if it will you are now guaranteed to survive it again.
i maintain there is no such thing as the bottom, nor the top for that matter! new bottoms can come out of nowhere, unforseen and unimaginable before you actually live them.
sure bet to make yourself miserable thinking NOW about such new bottoms being guaranteed to come in the future is foolish & useless and it feels way better for the ego to hear that oh you're so strong you can live through anything, however my experience has shown that the cockier you get in proclaiming all over the fucking world and especially to yourself that you are such a master of living life well and not succumb to its vicissitudes will soon enough lead to the universe converging upon your little ass to show you just how naive you continue to be in the big scheme of things.
so i dunno, i'd rather be meek about it, you know & treat the bouts of happy happy joy joy as no different from the bouts of kill me now!
methinks it is called ABIDING IN EQUANIMITY? oh some people go around proclaiming there's no fun in doing that and it's all boring hell and only robots/zombies could do it, however when i've had periods of living just like that, i kinda liked it a lot.
of course now my problem is that having experienced EQUANIMITY, now i crave it and am miserable when i realize i've [perhaps temporarily, but nevertheless] lost it.
so yeah, my fukkin mind is so creative at coming up with brand new ways to make me suffer. a never ending battle to tame the beast. i think the key is not to attempt to win the battle, nor to give up as you've already lost, but aim for a stalemate.
now please bow down to me for having graced you with more than a pseudo-one-liner and/or buttplug!
S - awww, hope it passes soon... I'm still not snacking on anything more than fat free pretzels... I was finally tired enough to sleep through the nasal drip tickle and hacking it causes, slept four hours, and woke... still way tired, but not tired enough to fall asleep... yucky boooo...
no abdominal involvement and energy is sluggish, but fine and as much due to sitting around all weekend as it is the immune system working overtime and lack of sleep... of course if I went to the gym and worked out or went for a run I'd clear myself up much faster and if I was closer to optimal condition the cold would probably not have moved in, but I yam as I yam... sniff sniff hack, sniff sniff hack...
the party in the brain part of my head continues... a little lonely when I imagine what it might be like if somebody gave a little nurturing, but that's been so rare in this life and so many years since the last time that it's more of an idea than a feeling... all the more reason I appreciate your words :)
Z - I agree with your concept that it's a roller coaster, a continuing ebb and flow and not some sort of miracle cure end... chronic, in remission, not 'cured'...
seven hosannas and a curtsey followed by a full out prostrated grovel...
you really are a brilliant mind when you aren't shooting holes in your head :)
as for Zoe's world on myspace, it's pretty flip and superficial most of the time... glib one-liners and faux-hostile banter... great escape stuff... I like her way of telling stories on thenervousebreakdown.com... her sense of humor, especially when she's not in evil mode, makes a lot of sense to me... I think we have similar roots and similar damage (which is strangely comforting and exciting :}
thank you for being here... beyond all the teasing, it means a lot to me :)
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