so instead

so instead of remembering that today was Wednesday and checking the meetups and realizing the Wwednesday night Wine Down is at the local Urban Flats and heading over from work and meeting some new people and seeing some I met last week, I forgot... and then, along about halfway through the evening, when I still might have taken the lasagna out of the oven and washed up and dressed and rushed over to the place, I checked emails and remembered the meetup...

so instead of going to the meetup, i ate the lasagna and watched Nanny Mcphee... and as purist as i can be and how much i adore Mary Poppins and this is so much a rip-off, i loved the film... the simple story style, perhaps, got to the child inside... the simple cleverness of the learning lessons and oh, well, the simple brain in my head wants the world to be like that... yeah, i mean where magical nannies pop in from wherever magical nannies hang out to make things right and wonderful in a family after a tragedy, or just in a life not quite going according to plan (like mine, perhaps?)...

I just wanna fall in love with someone who wants to fall in love with me (mutually, please)...

so instead of falling in love with someone who wants to fall in love with me, I remembered what it was like to dream and believe in love and magic and family and all that stuff fairy tales are made of…

if only life was like that…

so instead, i came back to reality and watched Idiocracy…

nite...

or not if you don't

this was the first part of tonight's writing, but it becomes the third part of a three part upload or not if you don't know that, even though I just told you (pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, the great and powerful Odd has misspoked once again... no charge for the new words... anyway, let's get on with this part of the parts, which would become this entry...

while falling in love again (no worries, the link will appear somewhere in this entry as I tend to link-whore my newly discovered love interests until they run away, as you probably know... but meanwhile, it gets a bit beyond ridiculous when waiting three minutes for a page to load and watching the characters stagger across the screen and beautiful voices and melodies stutter and videos flicker as the memory overloads...

a procrastinator's heaven...

and once again I ask the wind (myself included), would it be a whole lot better with a $600 system or a $1000 system or a $2000 system, probably, but the key is how much does it take to get a system that will let me browse the way I want to browse and still do all the other things I do while browsing I want to know how much will it take to let me get me really aroused...

I ought to find my web developer friend I once had in this area... we'll call him Robert... I think his number is still in my phone, even... calling him out of the blue would be just like me... he had a web development business and was also a semi-professional musician and his wife was a high school music teacher and moonlighted as a vocal coach... they didn't discover any of my talents, of course, because they're all in my mind I've learned to hide them so well...

come to think of it (casually mentioned, as if this is not some deep dark secret erupting in massive trauma confession, ya know), my personal self-confidence in my talents has dwindled to pathetic... now pass the donuts like a good Homer... wait, I'm the Homer, so pass the donuts to me...

but you see (see?), I don't want to buy a $1000 system and then be frustrated with it's capacity to suck in the music and video (mostly music, but the graphics must be processed or the audio is choked along with everything else, ya know?)... I don't want to get my hopes up about recording and maybe hooking up a midi keyboard and playing with the high tech music toys again if the computer I buy is going to be dragging me down... but seriously irreverently seriously, I am getting tired of reading myself writing about thinking about this too...

how's that for a segue? (would that be a new car model name?... Chevrolet Segue... Chevy Segue... yeah, rolls right off the tongue... and what a perfectly appropriate name for a Hybrid, aye?)... see, pure genius and nobody knows...

today is Rasputin's birthday... not that Rasputin, but the one who personally keeps Pepsi ahead of Coke around here... much happiness, oh caffeinated one... may you survive your habits to celebrate again...

I can be a stinker, I know...

I probably ought to simply go out and drop $2000 on the system and hope I am not grumbling in afterthought cuz all this forethought (and sudden segues) could give a guy a headache... maybe it's the ethanol...

laughing, but still, I mean, you understand, maybe, some of it, maybe, but if just a little, laugh, or not if you don't...

maybe my door is a jar...

the heartbreak of toothbreak

I wandered around leaving messages here and there tonight... lots of profound nonsense (random wisdoms and silliness, perhaps, for I do not know for sure cuz I wasn't paying attention consciously as I was rambling half the time and the other half, it was just playing)...

I am soaking in the ever so stimulating vibrations of Alexa Ray Joel at the moment as the merging of Billy and Christine genes produced a sing I'm loving... Precious wanted to watch The Constant Gardener and I'm getting to listen to music now... Raspy just crawled out of bed and is sleep-farting on the couch... all is as it is, usually, here are this palace of peculiar people (does that add any flavor to the mundane?)...

Alexa gives way to Bright Eyes (with Snow Patrol on the horizon) and my mouth is on my mind as I wander back around to this blog for tonight's death-defying entry... ok, so it's not so death-defying, but then, I am still alive... I explained it in various comments already and you may have read about it, so I won't go on and on about how heartbroken I am because a joke that gets told too often turns into a moan, or maybe a groan, but it certainly won't inspire anyone to phone, except maybe critics...

you don't know what you've got till it's gone, you know?... I was happily taking my teeth for granted for I was certain they loved me, all of them, for they've lived happily in my mouth all my life without so much as a peep of a complaint... even when I would bite down on soda (pop, to many of you) or beer bottle caps to open the bottles... even when I would chomp down ice cubes... even when I would eat the stickiest peanut brittle or tooth-pulling taffy... not a peep... not even when I cracked a couple in those drunken days (actually, they were mostly nights) of carefree debauchery in youthful rebellion, when I did not hold the bottle just right or just slammed the jagged edge of the metal cap down on the corner of my teeth as if my mouth was a bar-mounted bottle opener... yeah, I was so cool back in the day, aye?...

years later, when I finally visited the dentist, I was happy to learn that my teeth still loved me all I needed was mostly cosmetic stuff if I wanted to smooth out the jagged edge of a couple of teeth that gave almost their all for the sake of being a macho human beer bottle opening once upon a time when I was young and ridiculously entertaining in drunken company... so I shared the cost with my insurance company and was introduced to these beautiful tooth caps made of pearly white porcelain or some new age material (I'm no racist)... and my teeth and these hand carved ivory tooth caps were bonded in a most beautiful ceremony... joined in holy matrimony, for better or worse, to live happily ever after till death do us part...

how was I to know a mouthful of chocolate and cashews and caramel would break up the happy couple... yes, my tooth cap broke up with me... or with my tooth, at least... my tooth is heartbroken and doesn't want to talk about it, but the fingers just love to gossip (as you may have noticed), so we're getting all the sordid details... apparently the tooth-cap has been missing the dental assistant because, though it loved my tooth, it goes both ways and was missing that feminine touch only the dental assistant could give her... serves my teeth right for being macho-idiots in their youth, I suppose, for now there's pieces of shattered tooth-heart all over my mouth and no amount of brushing or flossing can comfort the pearly whites tonight...

they've all gone into mourning, preparing for the worst...

but wait, their future is not all dark and gloomy... I called the dentist, who hasn't seen me or my teeth in a couple of years, and his wife called me back just moments later and said the tooth shouldn't worry too much, these sort of break ups happen from time to time, and with some counseling the bond between tooth and tooth-cap can be as good as ever, better even... she told me to come in on Tuesday and the dental marriage counselor will talk to the separated couple and seek a reconciliation... I hope I don't need an oral lawyer...

I won't bore you by repeating all the comments here (if you're bored already, you can always go hunting for them yourself), but this is where my mind has been tonight, while wandering around visiting your blogs (and some others) and leaving relatively random messages designed to distract me from my heartbroken tooth...

how's your day been? :)

brief

was asleep
now more awake
rushing off to work
happy idiot?

would be even more
with a partner in crime
but enjoying the time
in my rhyme

it's actually morning in RealTime™... I just woke and wandered around some of your blogs here at blogspot (no time for more or myspace or anything as I am not, once again, late (hopefully not rushing past yet another Alice along the way)... I'll leave the previous entry as the reading for the day (if you're looking for reading) as it contains a whole lot more words than this, but must set off to another day now (the best laid plans and all)... to wet my appitite (and perhaps yours with irony {synchronicity?} of a work in progress), this is where I left off on my journey through words this morning (with a little help from my friends):

more later, but for now... this brings to mind a line from a favorite Jackson Browne song, "The Late Show"...

cuz when you know
you've got a real friend somewhere
suddenly all the others are
so much easier to bear

and the the verse that follows is even more direct to my point to remind me of the value of dreams, but more, the value of actions...

now to see things clear
it's hard enough I know
when you're waiting for
reality to show
when you're dreaming of some perfect love
and holding on to stars above
you may stumble on to something real
and never know

from memory, so a word or two may be out of place, but I suddenly want to get back to that song (and the Eagles Wasted Time and the Carpenters Need to Be in Love and Billy Joel's Honesty and some others that make up the soundtrack of my heart...

gotta rush off now, torn between wanting to follow the inspiration you provide (once again) and the responsibilities of the day... bringing us back around to Jackson again... say a prayer for the pretender...

ah, to be the happy idiot so much more meaningful and worth it when the journey is shared by the one meant to share it, (and all we can do is sigh and say yeah... :)

'til tomorrow...

(and irony awaits :)

yeah, Don McLean too...

and a giggle and a sigh :)

tired, hungry, lonely, but happy (ironic?)

so I'm glancing up at the Science channel cuz I love to listen to the latest information about outer space that scientists discovery or ponder (almost as much as I love science fiction) and what do I see?... I see the birth of the universe and stars and a galaxy compared, quite visually and seductively (to my mind, at least) to the creation of a pizza... yes, pizza!... the Science Channel hates me...

we watched Ohio State defeat Georgetown today, yay... so they face Florida in the championship game Monday night... again, as they did in NCAA Football, it comes down to Ohio Stat vs. Florida... in football, Ohio State was the big favorite and was upset big time... in basketball, Florida will probably be a slight favorite... they are trying to be the first school in history to win the basketball championship for the second straight year after already winning the football championship in the same year in 2006... too bad I am not a fan of theirs, I'd be quite cheered, aye?... anyway, I hope Ohio State wins Monday...

just before the game we all went to dinner, my first dinner out in a month... and before that I took Precious for a fitting for her prom dress (and somehow laid out $200 to cover the balance due... I'll get it back eventually, along with a bunch more I occasionally remember I loaned Raspy a while back... I may never see the tens of thousands I loaned people in the 90s, but the few thousand I loaned in this decade should find it's way back to me eventually and it'll feel like a gift)...

meanwhile, I continue depriving my taste buds and body of the deliciousness of carbs in most forms... more than a month with minimal pasta (a couple of ounces of macaroni salad every few days), no Code Red (or any soda/pop), no cake, candy, ice cream, chocolate (yes, still no chocolate), or any pure sugar food... sigh... almost no potatos (two times I had fries) or rice or any high carb food... lots of protein cuz what else is there?...

I did treat myself to filet mignon tonight, though I've had better... I thank the animal and further accept that life is a compromise of ideals, but even as I realize this even more clearly than ever (one of the things that was occupying my mind today), I still refuse to comromise the energy level required to satisfy me in a physical relationship, so I still hold out for the relatively impossible dream (probably becoming more impossible with every pasing year) of, as Art Garfunkle sang, the right one...

I am still going to the gym (skipped just three nights, one was after 14 hours at Disney, one was at the peak of a UTI, one was cuz I went to a concert)... and I am sleeping a bit more and resting more (though seldom more than four hours at a shot) and this is why I am not writing as much here or anywhere... though I still play my foolish games, my quixotic dreams, the windmills of my mind continue to enchant and haunt and inspire and compel me... in other words, I did put a rhyme up at candora and another at myspace recently, in case you didn't notice...

I stepped away a bit... Precious just came home and picked up the mail and she got her acceptance letter to the Honors College of Florida, her first choice... we hugged and danced and YAYed and she called her best friend, Dreamer (who, by the way, got into a rather prestigious Arts college in North Carolina, her first choice too) and they YAYed and now she's online telling anyone still awake and probably posting it up on her myspace...

and I wistfully reminisce about dreams of a college life that I never knew... and a circle of lifelong friends that somehow have become long lost... and the hope that I may still rebuild a social life and the romatic life of my dreams while I can still actively enjoy it... all followed, of course, by an over-dramatic sigh (and silent giggle)...

and as if the universe was apologizing for the cosmic pizza connection (or giggling right along), there's Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail on the TV (we woke Rasputin to tell him the news, so the channel changed) and of course I know I don't know her so imagining she's the right one is pure fantasy, but she looks like the right one in the vision in my mind... along with a few dozen others... maybe... I wonder if it would be easier to find the right one if I was blind... I don't think so, because energy is so much more than a visual thing... anyway, at least they are not eating pizza...

so I am hungry and tired and lonely, but happy... and on that note, I shall wrap the big green chair around me and drift off into my dreams... nite nite world, wherever you are :)

lazy day, busy night

and I mean lazy... this weekend in pajamas was a resounbding success... I napped, laid back and watched TV, napped, laid back and rambled through the babble files a bit putting some entries together for btc (though not uploaded yet), napped, laid back and watched TV... I ate a few cans of soup and a cream cheese sandwich... and drank water... and that's the day... everything that happened in the day is right there...

feels wonderful J

I know I must (and probably will) turn this lazy phase around and get back to exercising again because depending on taste buds and food alone for a daily high is a dangerously imbalanced lifestyle, but I actually felt the relaxation today because I didn't binge on sugar and caffeine and the usual weekend food binges... and that means I saved money too... good news...

hope your day was good for you too J

PS... since I am still awake (it's 4am, wide awake, crazy after all, again, naturally... and name those three songs if you can), I'll pass along this update... I just posted another blog entry at my myspace and maybe, just maybe, I've given it a purpose (like all my writing spaces eventually come to have eventually) and if I did, wow, that's about as public as I've ever been about looking for a partner (and maybe it's just the hour and lack of sleep giving it momentary grandiose value) - or maybe it means I am one step closer to actually actualizing my desire to share again... we shall see, perhaps, if times tells as it's said to do, aye?...

nite nite J

PPS... crazy as it seems, the night just gets better... while you've been sleeping (and I should have been), I went ahead and got sentimental on us... maybe myspace inspired it, maybe now, but yes, a rhyme for candora and as it's even later than before and I get more and more biased the deeper I slide into sleep deprivation, I love it... the sun is rising... maybe I'll take a two hour nap now...

g'morn J

starving for creative time, but otherwise fine

I was "removed" by someone at myspace today... apparently two people are in some sort of war and my leaving a comment for one of them was grounds for "removal" by the other person... I have no idea what the war was about or who the other person was, but she sought me out, judged me unworthy and evil, and "removed" me from her space... much like the reaction to my word entry a while back behind the candoor (which was, coincidentally or not, the topic of my comment), the paranoid among us read negativity and rejection where none exists and react with aggression...

perhaps even more ironically, five days ago, as if by prophesy or some such, I wrote a similar query in the myspace blog and it happens to be the current entry at the moment... the fact that I am presented with an example of one who answers a definitive 'yes' to the current query is one more synchronicity that adds to the wonder and amusement of life in this human world...

meanwhile, in other myspace news (as that is where I am finding most of my amusements and inspirations these days), the potential is mostly unfulfilled and that just leaves me longing more than ever for the bottom line womb-like inspirations in the real world RealTime™ inspiration (which has been sorely lacking for years now)... so the ache for sharing life offline on more than superficial levels is greater than usual these days and I'm full of sighs and alases, but as the title says, otherwise fine...

giggling and grinning at that, since the ache is a wonderful expression of life for me... even though I've rather the ache be relieved and the hunger the share be satiated (as if the insatiable can be satiated, but I know what I mean), it's oddly wonderful to feel starvation again...

this may be why I am writing with a certain tone, more caustic or biting or confrontative or pushing the limits or something like that... I mean in the writing I do everywhere but here... here, where I attempt to just sum up the facts, I tend to write with as much objectivity as I can muster as I am just reporting life as I recall it and not getting as babbly or creative as in my other writings... but elsewhere, well, I haven't written a sappy love song in a week or more...

obviously, based on the linkage, I am feeling desperate to be discovered in my most vulnerable moments by someone who could inspire me to fall in love again... that is such a wonderful desperation, if you understand the instinct and positivity and depths behind and within it... unfortunately, from my experiences with others, I've found most people choose the negative view of such hunger and find misery and agony and want to share a pity party with all the trimmings... and I wonder why people are so negative... afraid to feel, perhaps... alas and all...

anyway, much accomplished at work, then home to write an epic rhyme that will find it's way out on the net somewhere (epic, aye?... how's that for a build-up?)... you know, the kind of epic poem (though not as long as ancient epics, though it might be grown in time) that could be a harmless drivel or a profound reflection and/or challenge to an individual or everyone or an institution like government or religion or capitalism or any ism or maybe even the universe... I wonder what the great critics and literary analysts would make of it....

hey, what else have I got to do when I am all alone and longing like this other than amuse myself with self-important perspectives and illusions that I am some historic artifact for some future culture to treasure and/or worship, aye?...

of course this is exactly what I am not supposed to do here, babble, but then, breaking the rules is what I do everywhere... Jake 2.0 and Stargate SG1 played in the background for hours (like eight) as I browsed the web (slowly), responded to messages, babbled, rhymes, cooked and ate pizza, did several loads of laundry, and drank a ton of Code Red... so of course I have to find some drama somewhere, right?... at least my drama doesn't involved sending negative notes to people, right?... or as Don McLean sang, everybody loves me baby...what's the matter with you?... won't you tell me what did I do, to offend you?...

I suppose I should not be so amused by the real internal emotional conflicts and negativity and drama people create based on words from relative strangers on the net, but hey, I just don't understand why people would choose to be upset when they could choose to be happy... we create the fine illusions of unconditional love and beauty and trust, after all... I think it's time to turn the TV off and put on some music... I haven't listened to Meg and Dia in a week or more, after all (for shame)... oh, how I long for the fall at this moment... and the giggles... yes, the giggling true love fall, that's where I want to be...

yeah, life is just too exciting these days J

still no sleep

ok, an hour, I slept an hour this morning after rambling on about Zoes at myspace and putting in some quality time at The Social Orlando blog (inviting two well connected semi-Orlandonians to post there) and celebrating yet another anniversary of the first of December ( again) by opening yet another blog space that has not been linked up anywhere yet and after six magical moments poured six entries into it, I power napped (hey, aren't I cool?) that hour in the big green chair and then headed out to work...

about twenty ounces of Code Red later, after work, I showered and ordered a pizza and sub and ate to my palate's content with a another 32 ounce Code Red, then lamented missing the No Snow Show (sigh), but enjoyed the One Act Play (and even stayed awake) that I chose over the great concert because Precious was TD (Technical Director)... wonderful tear-jerking play about life in a German concentration camp in world war II...

and then, or sort of now, after the play, there is the 64 ounces of Cherry Mountain Dew Slurpee I just drank while listening to Rasputin's CD of 70's soft rock songs (the likes of Burton Cummings Stand Tall, Kenny Nolan I Like Dreaming, Paul Davis I Go Crazy, Randy Van Warner Just When I Needed You Most, Dan Hill Sometimes When We Touch, Terry Jacks Seasons in the Sun, Leo Sayer When I Need You, 10cc I'm Not In Love and others of similar ilk not polite in Smash's crowd, but still part of my musical history) that I remember oh so emotionally bitter sweetly, heavy on the sweet syrup and now, The Princess Bride sends the emotional high through the roof... perhaps there are no coincidences, but whatever, this December 1st could only have been more amazing if I somehow got to the No Snow Show and it was even more amazing than I imagined it might be...

on a side note, I was discussing ideal concert lineups with Precious last night after she came out of her room bouncing up and down because she just discovered that Fall Out Boy is coming back to Orlando in January... I impulsively chose the following line up: Brandtson, Meg & Dia, Nada Surf, The Spill Canvas, Say Anything, Brand New, and a closing act yet to be decided... just in case you were wondering about this, now you know...

and now, I listen to The Princess Bride and let the inspiration of sleep deprivation, the first of December, the Dew, syrupy 70s ballads, the emotionally draining One Act Play, the positive feedback at myspace, the search for Zoë, The Social Orlando, the new as yet unlinked blogspot blog called onceinlove (ooooo, did I just give away it's location?), eggplant rollitini pizza, your wonderful comments, and all the intangibles not thought of or mentioned take me where it will...

and loving every minute of it...