I paused in my reflections on the past in my continuing on-again off-again filling in of the land of the mostly dead over at LJ (still working on 2004, actually) to come here to write an entry before the clock forced me to back date again and I arrived here to write a Thursday entry and found myself reading and rambling on in comments 'till past midnight and I thank you for that...

you like me, you really like me...

and hopefully your being out there (and your timely text messages - shhh, I won't tell anyone what a great friend you can be Z, at least not anyone online... wink, nudge) will take the edge off what might have been a grumpy cynical entry as I was backhanded the news tonight that I suppose I expected, no birthday dinner for me tomorrow... the plans to go to my favorite buffer (where birthday people get to eat free) or anywhere were cancelled cuz Raspy is out of money... I might have hooked up with someone at work if I hadn't told them I was busy and took tomorrow off, but then, maybe I just wanted to continue the mad dash to fitness and not indulge the taste buds just yet and I kind expected Raspy to be too tired to go cuz he works too many hours from like 2am to 2pm most days including Friday night into Saturday...

c'est la vie, at least as I know it...

there was a time when I had someone who'd do something special for me in RealTime and space, but even then the relationships were imbalanced (like I was the parent or big brother almost always doing the nurturing), but those days are past... I was thrown an all-out surprise Sweet Sixteen party by my then girlfriend and her best friend when I was 16 though... that was definitely sweet :)

I flipped through the TV stations earlier when I woke from my nap and found Elton John throwing his own 60th Birthday Party at Madison Square Garden... he really meant it when he said he'd big a big house where we all could party (ok, so I paraphrased his oldest and maybe biggest hit song, but it fits and inspires my smiles so yay for me :)

and as I was watching and listening I realized how much I miss his music and how much a part of me his music has been over the years and how he may just be (with Bernie Taupin, especially, but also with other lyricists) second only to Harry Chapin in musical influences in this life as I've known it and a semi-revelation passed through my brain as I sang along, kind like rainbows through tears, that helped me see reality a bit more clearly (and even when sad, clarity is a gift that is a big YAY!) and I realized that if anybody really knew me in this life then they'd have made sure I not only watched the whole Elton John BD Special (I missed the first hour), but they'd have taped it for me as a gift for my birthday cuz they'd have known what I forgot, how much EJ's music means to me...

and it's not the material gift that matters for if an EJ CD or video came at any other time it would be nice, but far from the revelation it might have been tonight had someone been in my life to know me enough to remind me of parts of me I left behind and miss dearly... heck, I might not even watch or listen for a while as time seldom permits... but tonight, it would have been the sharing of the experience of watching and listening is what would touch me... if that makes sense to you...

and that just reinforces the clarity of the isolation and reality of life as I live it these days, which helped me walk out the door with 50 minutes left after listening to Precious for 10 even though she left a heavy sigh of go ahead then in my wake as I said I must continue taking care of myself as I walked toward the door into a rainy night (I had to come back in to get towels)... my innate selflessness must be usurped for me to do what is best for me, especially these days...

meanwhile, I am happy to report that in spite of passing yet another kidney stone this evening, I did get to the gym again and earlier in the day, I met with a GI specialist doctor who ordered more blood tests and an UltraSound and he'll hold off on a biopsy until the results come back if I continue my exercise and dietary changes cuz my BP was 110/70 and all signs pointed to a very healthy body (except for the kidney stones and possible come-back of the UTI... though after passing the stone tonight those symptoms might have been the stone passing)...

what can I say, my head and heart may have preferred the Beatles, but my kidneys obviously prefer the Rolling Stones... I leave that for ancient hippies to dissect and muse over...

perhaps I shall cook something now, some fish or shrimp, as that's the healthiest protein in the house at the moment other than the fat-free turkey and I don't feel like processed bird, especially since the salt content is so high... dang marketing geniuses push extra salt and sugar into fat-free stuff to make it more appealing to the corrupted American palate so the calories and health risks are often the same or worse with the supposedly uber-healthy fat-free stuff... silly humans...

I actually started entering data into the database due on the 1st of each month today... two kids became numbers so far, about 80 to go... I suppose I'll be late with the two databases due on the 15th as well, since I will need about 4 days to complete the DB due on the 1st and that will take us to April 12, at least... then a Friday and a weekend and the following Monday is the 16th... oh well, it's about time I was late with something... nt that anybody will notice (unless I was months late)...

and word around the place is that corporate is finally going to come by and change over the servers (we've been using the previous corp's servers since the buy-out on September 1 of last year) so the new computers that have been sitting in storage since August can be unpacked and distributed to those targeted to get them (I am supposed to get one of the two high-memory models they ordered cuz of the database work I do) and several people have asked me to check their current computers to make sure illegal stuff isn't on their hard drives, so that's going to be a part time project next week as well...

Jackson, my great office-mate, got me a card that plays I want to rock and roll all night when you open it... really cool... she is awesome, most definitely... I'm not used to getting cards or any acknowledgement, so getting several Happy Birthdays from others at work before I left was special (they knew I was taking tomorrow off)...

I was 1 pound away from the April 19th goal weight tonight... that was a big smile to start my gym workout... and so, that, for the moment, is what I remember from today and all in all, I'm a happy camper cuz I am actualizing self-love better than I have in years... lonely, yup, more and more deeply and achingly as I reawaken, but the ache feels better all the time as I feel again...

well, it's almost time to wake Rasputin so he can come into the living room, drink some Diet Pepsi, and fart a few times, so I'll be closing this entry with a big thank you for the attention and caring and love you consistently give me here in your comments and hope you find inspiration to smile in your self and your world today...

party on :)