oh, the drama

I sometimes miss it... I play with words and imagine it and maybe even create some in the words, but there's none that actually involves or effects me personally, no less intimately, in the real time real life physical world space and time these days... I have never actually been or felt as alien and alone in this physical world as I do in these moments I come to the surface and look around at the real time real life physical world space and time (and I do not as often as I might seem to, in case you did not know that)...

most of the time I am playing with myself... in every way... and I could tell you when I am taking myself and whatever else more seriously if I took the time, and sometimes I do, but I usually do not take the time to think about it because playing with my own head and emotions is all the drama and excitement I've really got in personal intimate levels...

and that is largely what behind the candoor is (and I am tempted to say was, but that might just be me playing with myself and creating some drama for myself) all about and I may be starting to miss it enough to ponder how to make time to get back into it, whether to catch up (ideally) or just to dive back in and see what happens... nothing in the real time physical world is here for me as much as the word play and drama I create for myself there...

I do not live alone, yet, I am perhaps more alone than if I did live alone... I can watch the teenage drama in the flesh and in words, but I am not any real part of it... no one in my real time physical time world, at least no one I am aware of in any way, reads any of the words I write anywhere... no one relates to the creativity or the drama or anything I put into words on or off the web... no one talks about any of it... no one plays, no one takes me seriously, no one comes close...

and it's been this way for more than a few years now... if I truly measure the time, more than a decade... that is almost a scary thought to face in the physical reality... yet it is such a folly, from my perspective, it somehow amuses me... I imagine the last person with whom I was truly intimate (and I do not mean just physically or sexually) might be pleased that I've lingered alone for so long... knowing my history, it may be viewed as a tribute and not merely stupidity...

this is the second time I've grown so isolated in this life... my cycles may seem long when compared to most people, yet a whole life is but a blink of the eye on a cosmic level and it is that energy I feel most when I am centered within myself...

and so I ramble... and I imagine that I touch you and you touch me with ethereal energy through words... so I feel less alone... and maybe you sense how much I appreciate you a bit better than you did before this entry...

so I put another 90 minutes on the Lifecycle machine tonight... a light pace, maintaining a pulse of between 115 and 125 most of the first hour and easing back to about 95 for the last thirty minutes... an average of 6.9mph for the first hour with a strong kick (over 8mph, 1.3 miles) in the last ten minutes of that hour... and I drank 40 ounces of water in the three hours before heading to the gym and 60 ounces of water during the first 60 minutes at the gym... hopefully that will keep the kidneys happy...

and work was the usual, catching up on the reports due on the 15th... tomorrow they should all be done... and now, sleep would be a good idea as it's 1:30am... I think I read somewhere that sleep deprivation is one of the enemies of kidneys... no wonder, aye?...

but first, there is Precious... she wants to try on her prom dress and shoes and accessories... and pictures... and even though this is his night off, Rasputin, wisely, sleeps... so I'll pull on the zipper and put on her shoes and take some pictures and then unzip and go to sleep... goodnight to you, and may you find the drama in your world to your liking :)