what's a struggle?

does Drew Barrymore struggle?... maybe she's not the best example, but she just did the moonwalk stage exit in Charlie's Angels and reminded me of how much fun life can be when you can maintain contact with the child inside... so how about any child who grows up playing and doing basically anything they wanted without much concern for punching a time clock or where the next meal was coming from?... do they create emotional struggles, drama that feels like the end of the world or areason to panic just to feel stress and burn out and exhaust themselves, just to feel those emotions?...

is that being human?...

maybe I just remember things differently thn they were and that's what gives me the sense that I am different... or maybe I just went through the dramatics quickly and early on and decided that wasn't my thing cuz it wastes way too much time and energy... or maybe I am an alien after all...

anyway, I've been playing all through this life, usually by myself cuz people tire so easily and want to take things so much more seriously than I think they need to be taken... dealing with all the human drama and worry they create is tiring, but how to share with people without dealing with their drama and worry and stress and fear...

I don't wanna be a guru...

yeah, so I keep chopping away at the pedastals and falling over dramatically, aye?... woe is me and all that bluesy-jazz... just getting back from 90 minutes on the Lifecycle machine at the gym, feeling the chilling night air (it's probably in the 50s outside and the air conditioner is on... Floridian can be such indoor animals... Raspy is fastb asleep with the remote in his hand in his crotch and the TV is on, of course... I've gotta get me a new headphone (since Precious took all of mine into her room and ultimately broke them all)... music is missing again... and we already know I'm still singing another Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody... waa waaa waa and all that...

the pity party is boring me...

turning back the years (or is that reeling in the years perhaps) is boring me too, but I continue paying the price for extended laziness and shall at least until the summer season... it might be a struggle, but then, it's just something to do... it was, in my memory, easier to do in 1991... I had much better inspiration and distractions back then though... if I ever get my stuff out of storage and a scanner and computer, I'll show you the portfolio...

I should probably take a few days and put together five or six dozen entries for btc for no one to read cuz I've been neglecting posterity dramatically of late... words can be so amusing in my head...

that young girl who flashes Amy in my brain appeared at the gym again today... the teenager in me pushed for the 90 minutes thanks to her inspiration... the bored stiff in me might have quit earlier had she not appeared... I'm tired today... I just smile... she really is a young one and I'm not actually the pedophile I used to seem to be...

yeah, words are so amusing in my head... remember when I got some people all in an uproar btc by stating I was a child pedophile?... yeah, I'm bored... if I had a big audience I'd probably drop my drawers and moon everyone just to stir up some activity and interaction...

I think the world is lucky I am not really famous...

another movie just came on... I didn't catch the title and don't feel like disturbing Rasputin's penis to get the remote to find out what it is... looks like a teenager coming of age movie with a self-righteous preacher condemning typical teenage fun... oh, the drama... wait, there's Mandy Moore playing a good girl, carrying around a Bible at school... I suppose I should be happy I don't remember the name of the movie, aye?...

so it's Saturday night, just past midnight, and I just got back from almost two hours at the gym and my roommate is dead asleep on the couch and the party is elsewhere... energy is elsewhere... creativity is elsewhere... music is elsewhere... life, as I know it, is elsewhere...

tomorrow night I will probably be at a concert, then back to work Monday... I suppose I could rev up some mental energy and hit an internet comment party at Miss Bandit's or even some chat or board place, but life is not online for me anymore... online is communication, life is elsewhere...

thanks for the communication though... it gives me hope that I'll still find some more sharing the way I want to share in this life cuz you like me and others might too if they get to know me, right? (such a little kid with eyes so full of hope am I)... I wonder if I will ever be satisfied... or closer to it again :}

so another lazy Saturday turns into Sunday with little change and no fanfare... a bit of a carb hangover fading away and more loneliness and boredom and hey, laundry is getting done... poorly, with wrinkles, but the clothes are cleaner... it's a kind of Empty Garden mood, if you know the song... hey hey Johnny, can you come out to play in you empty garden... Johnny?... you know?...

so I'll just play in my head where the fun seldom stops and watch the wheels go round and round again... maybe I'll wander around myspace clicking on random profiles and sending out ADD requests until I fall asleep... hope you're finding fun in your way too :)