another one bites the dust
entry, that is, mass of words, in the holiest sense of mass, if we must, as in the mass of the first particle at the first instant of the first anything ever, if such a moment or matter exists... dust, even... space dust, cosmic dust, pixie dust...
and you (and the one too) missed a magical moment of theatre tonight as Precious and her friends did a great job of putting on a show (as Mickey Rooney used to say) and I was actually not disappointed, which is saying a lot considering I've been listening to the Broadway soundtrack non-stop whenever I've been in the car for the past month or two... and now, as usual, I so miss theatre and want to get all theatre-emo with someone... it's been so long since I took performing anything seriously, even life...
it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I be.long...
I think that thought started in the last comment I left for Serenity's blog... cuz they were getting all sorts of profound in the head about the heart and feelings over there and I am so alone that I am detached enough to remember what it was like before I knew anything and could just enjoy the moment and feel all the feelings without stress or worry or fear that I'll be stuck in any one feeling forever...
it lets every feeling feel more real, even the pathetically emo ones...
yeah, so great show, followed by 30 minutes at the gym (did not expect to get home early enough) followed by a Pastrami Sub, large... but that's all I ate today... and some Code Red (yes, Code Red)... no nap, so with less than 3 hours sleep last night and slimpy sleep all week, I've nodded off a few times and wandered away from this entry a few times and that's another reason it resemble dust, as in random particles scattered here and there, dust in the wind...
got the monthly report done at work today, only two weeks late... nobody's noticing and I'm still asked for help and special projects by others... Jackson took the day off to celebrate her birthday... and that's work...
so many wonders of the world missed, the sharing missed, the life missed... tonight, the magic of theatre... Aida... catch it if you can at a theatre near you... and this is the infantile brain signing off...
back into the dust...
and you (and the one too) missed a magical moment of theatre tonight as Precious and her friends did a great job of putting on a show (as Mickey Rooney used to say) and I was actually not disappointed, which is saying a lot considering I've been listening to the Broadway soundtrack non-stop whenever I've been in the car for the past month or two... and now, as usual, I so miss theatre and want to get all theatre-emo with someone... it's been so long since I took performing anything seriously, even life...
it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I be.long...
I think that thought started in the last comment I left for Serenity's blog... cuz they were getting all sorts of profound in the head about the heart and feelings over there and I am so alone that I am detached enough to remember what it was like before I knew anything and could just enjoy the moment and feel all the feelings without stress or worry or fear that I'll be stuck in any one feeling forever...
it lets every feeling feel more real, even the pathetically emo ones...
yeah, so great show, followed by 30 minutes at the gym (did not expect to get home early enough) followed by a Pastrami Sub, large... but that's all I ate today... and some Code Red (yes, Code Red)... no nap, so with less than 3 hours sleep last night and slimpy sleep all week, I've nodded off a few times and wandered away from this entry a few times and that's another reason it resemble dust, as in random particles scattered here and there, dust in the wind...
got the monthly report done at work today, only two weeks late... nobody's noticing and I'm still asked for help and special projects by others... Jackson took the day off to celebrate her birthday... and that's work...
so many wonders of the world missed, the sharing missed, the life missed... tonight, the magic of theatre... Aida... catch it if you can at a theatre near you... and this is the infantile brain signing off...
back into the dust...
Labels: babble, bliss, changes, crazy, dreams, dust, emo, energy, excess, food, gym, loneliness, moment, mtmm, singing, sleepdep, theatre, wow, yay
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
8 Comments:
I'll try not to sound to dumb or dam profound ...
But why do we worry or care about the things missed ...
We could never in a day do all the things a day brings ...
we can only do the things that come our way ...
but for sure for sure, there's always something missing in our day
Aaah love, what is love
we miss love, but what do we want the love to be, like a can of beer something we just take out the fridge when we feel like a hug (hug the can?) or desire something chemical (drink fluids or exchange bidily fluids) that will fool our brain into feeling good ...
get that dopamine going!
And when we get it, or we find that person, does the feeling last anymore than a six pack - or do we get the hangover the next day, and have to go to the supermarket or 'drugstore' to get some more ...
Love is all around, theres family, theres family pets, theres workmates, theres playmates, and when all else fails theres Serenity
Or are the family, the family pets, the workmates, the playmates all so bad, so false, and so sad - that only someone in our bed can fill the gap.
Now that's one gap I'd like filled to, but alas where is that lass than can be in our beds, and only be there when we need them, without bringing us the whole set of emotional entanglement and stress that will just like a hangover add to our burdens the next day.
Alas, we cannot all have someone serenty-like in our bed, but hey she's there for someone.
And there's someone out there for Candoor too - you know there is
You are either looking in the wrong place or looking for the wrong thing, not seeing all the love in Florida screaming out 4 U
aaaaahahhaaa, candyguru is worrying and needs intergalactic couch counse. bring on the improbability drive, q9!
yep, my roommies are hardcore theater emo enthusiast:z!
what? when all else fails, there's serenity? i almost missed that pearl. man must be cold in cambridge today...
Q - lol... so true, I am just not in the right place at the right time - inside or out... a few more months at the gym should get me closer to conscious and awake...
I was actually on a great theatre high last night, just sleepy cuz I only slept about ten hours all week... alas, no family, no pets, and only occasional and very superficial contacts everywhere else... and in passing or social places I do not find anyone over the age of 25 who isn't coupled or drunk or smoking or unhealthy or depressed... and while agism is meaningless in most every way, the depths and experiences I seek are rarely there in the young who have the energy and health habits and perspectives I relate to... that's life with humanity as I know it here in Florida and it's sad, but I enjoy myself and only vent the lonely gas build up for a few moments now and then in my writings...
I find most often people will bring their own sadness and depressions to my words and think I relate to where they are, but I don't really... my self-pity and sadness and depressive thoughts are fleeting moments that lead to laughing at myself almost every time... I kid not when I compare myself to an infant...
and that is probably the primary reason I am alone... I don't get actually into the neediness of humanity at all, in fact, I am usually repulsed by it because it is so, to me at least, fabricated and a wasteful self-defeating choice...
though for so many years I've tried to understand it, to feel it, to believe in it, to express it - because it seems that may be the only way to share the falling in love experience with a human... just being and experiencing and sharing does not seem to be enough for people... humans seem to need words, explanations, reasons, rational explanations, proof that they and their feelings exist... people don't seem to get it, that starting down that path leads away from the very thing they say they want the most...
but non-verbal communication seems to be reserved for infancy... it all goes back to Amy... her weakness was my first personal taste of someone turning away from love because they were 'not strong enough' to follow their feelings (heart?) and let peer pressure and rational thought and 'maturity' stop what was an instinctive infant-level attraction...
it was the first time I thought about emotions and I observed, since then, that people seem to think emotions are thoughts they can express and understand and rationalize and modify and control, so I've tried my best to do that too, to understand the process, to relate to the 'weakness' and 'frailty' and that confused, helpless, poorly defined experience we seem to define as being 'only human'...
so I started writing, crafting words, rhyming, coming up with an infinite way of saying the same thing, that the unexplainable can not be explained, the DUH!... the DOH!... the impossible dream... the simplicity of "if you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words" (I forget who wrote that, if it matters)...
and many millions, perhaps billions of words (and a few relationships) later, I am still amused at the futility of the whole concept... it's so unreal to me, so ridiculously irresponsible and sad that it seems to be the collective reality for... everyone?...
and as if on cue, the TV goes on... Rasputin just got home, Diet Pepsi in one hand, remote in the other, staring at the hundred-odd scrolling channels on the screen with the bright florescent kitchen lights on in the middle of the day... he'll be having a big bowl of ice cream and hot fudge for lunch in a minute... then nod off on the couch with the remot in his lap... the daily routine... his mom woke me while he was at work because there's no way to reach him...
in other words, I still am extremely sleep deprived... so even if there was clarity to be found words on this subject of whatever the subject is, I wouldn't pretend to be able to get through the babbling fog of lack of sleep to get near expressing it, if it could be expressed...
that's sad, I suppose, depressing for most... I find the futility amusing in a sort of Douglas Adams kind of way... but more precisely, in a way that words can not express...
still, I'd like to share it again someday :)
hey Z - lol... in the immortal (and mostly forgotten, adding to the irony) words of Alfred E. Newman, "What Me Worry?"
yes, the improbability drive would be a fine toy to play with at the moment :)
and Serenity the movie is a feeling of outlaw family I love to vicariously experience again and again... and Serenity the word/concept is an experience close to not needing a word to express it... and Serenity, person typing words here at blogspot and a voice on the phone, beautiful words when she's not caught up in thinking too much (just love to tease, don't I? :)
hey S - hope today is a good day inside and out :)
lol Candoor,
for sure, for sure - any ways we ever say can be interpreted by different people according to their personality and/or mood.
I appreciate you are just being temporarily candidly morose, or letting off gas or stteam, when you speak of something missing...
But it is true, even a running theme on most blogs, something missing to make life feel perfect (or at least better than it is)
Whether it be a higher paid job,
People who 'love' us, all around Someone to love in that special way, who loves us 'unconditionally'
And once we have those, then the list of little things that bug us or can still go wrong become endless - whether it be blogger chewing up comments, the sun not shining on our day off or planned outing, the pizza not being hot enough or just how we like it ...
Or even those things we don't have to worry about, like having a bigger house and the mexican maid taking a day off, the cleaner not cleaning the pool properly, or our kid stealing for more drugs.
But hankering for female companionship tops the list, sometimes even if or especially when we are married, to someone who is not quite like we'd hoped they'd BE. lol!
what, qUnique, u sayin U an unhappily married Man?
perhaps, in the end, the loneliness is merely an extension of the ego (an aspect of personality I do not often take seriously) as the intimacy sought could simply be a desire to be recognized, appreciated, admired, and loved as an individual...
and ego aside, I am always loved and loving as part of everything, so except for when I would like to indulge ego, always satisfied with being as I am...
and how many individual partners are there for that in present humanity? :)
the show, Aida was even better tonight... and all around me sleeps as I ride the buzz...
and I hear in the distance an old folk singer's voice asking where do the children play...
is it possible to resolve to stop thinking so much, or is that over thinking again...
:)
some nice clouds in the sky today to gaze in to
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