don't try to save me
with a nod to Billy Joel in the title I crinkle my nose (hoping the details will bear me out when I record them, hopefully later, as I hang on the the thread of determination still somehow linked to the living) as I returned to the gym tonight after a couple or few or several nights off... has it been five?... I'll figure it out when I get to the log in the land of the mostly dead... meanwhile, I am feeling the Earth rumble under me... this is a sign of being near physical limits that those who've been there might recognize... along with the heaving of the heart muscle... the lungs recovered well this night... before the legs, even... and the rumble of the cardiovascular system brings everything to it's acute awareness, it's bottom line, it's elongated waveleght... or is that the loud rumble of barely audible, but nevertheless constant thunder in the distance...
reeling in the years...
the lull in everything that is me (reflected in the lull in words) is primarily due to the funlessness of climbing (metaphorically) back out of the mostly dead zombie state all by myself... and the reflection upon the facts of life as I know it and live it every day... caring is relative, and nobody cares when and where it matters most because nobody is close enough to me to be aware of me...
so I rely on the great person who shares my office and you guys to remind me that I am not completely aone in this world and a few people actually do care... and I should kick myself for not appreciating what I have more, like a phone message from a step-sister-in-law who I have not seen in... decades?... the day before my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday... yet the absence of any sort of acjnoledgement from those supposedly closest to me brought me down far enough so that I wandered into myself and the daily routine and did not say thank you or enjoy the good thoughts that were sent my way... boo me, yay you...
the silliness of it all is that I am still foolish enough to hope for what I've never really had except for a long time ago, that is, someone to fuss over me... and I laugh because I don't particularly like being fussed over, but once in a while I'd still like someone in real space and time to give it a good try... but nobody knows me well enough and those closest to me today in space do not care to try...
sigh and alas and all that...
ok, so that's where I've been... and now, continued improvement at the gym in spite of the blah is bringing me back to the self-satisfied oh well garden party mood and I'm back on the path of pleasing myself and accepting the world as it is and people as they are... I know some do care, you prove it... and maybe someday I'll get lucky enough to find someone running on my wavelength who is at the right time and place in their life to run along side me and share real time and space... ah, the partner dream does not die (Gary Morris sings the sad song dreams die hard, when they don't come true, but I still see the rainbow and will walk on, walk on, with hope in my heart through the rain and wind and sing my songs)...
what can I say we can all use a little emo sometimes :}
thanks for being here :)
reeling in the years...
the lull in everything that is me (reflected in the lull in words) is primarily due to the funlessness of climbing (metaphorically) back out of the mostly dead zombie state all by myself... and the reflection upon the facts of life as I know it and live it every day... caring is relative, and nobody cares when and where it matters most because nobody is close enough to me to be aware of me...
so I rely on the great person who shares my office and you guys to remind me that I am not completely aone in this world and a few people actually do care... and I should kick myself for not appreciating what I have more, like a phone message from a step-sister-in-law who I have not seen in... decades?... the day before my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday... yet the absence of any sort of acjnoledgement from those supposedly closest to me brought me down far enough so that I wandered into myself and the daily routine and did not say thank you or enjoy the good thoughts that were sent my way... boo me, yay you...
the silliness of it all is that I am still foolish enough to hope for what I've never really had except for a long time ago, that is, someone to fuss over me... and I laugh because I don't particularly like being fussed over, but once in a while I'd still like someone in real space and time to give it a good try... but nobody knows me well enough and those closest to me today in space do not care to try...
sigh and alas and all that...
ok, so that's where I've been... and now, continued improvement at the gym in spite of the blah is bringing me back to the self-satisfied oh well garden party mood and I'm back on the path of pleasing myself and accepting the world as it is and people as they are... I know some do care, you prove it... and maybe someday I'll get lucky enough to find someone running on my wavelength who is at the right time and place in their life to run along side me and share real time and space... ah, the partner dream does not die (Gary Morris sings the sad song dreams die hard, when they don't come true, but I still see the rainbow and will walk on, walk on, with hope in my heart through the rain and wind and sing my songs)...
what can I say we can all use a little emo sometimes :}
thanks for being here :)
Labels: alas, babble, blogs, body, changes, choices, crazy, dreams, emo, gym, heart, hope, loneliness, missing, mostly dead, mtmm, sigh, whine
posted by candoor at 11:36 PM
6 Comments:
you are completely alone. get over IT!
lol candoor indeed
Some seem to have it all
some would like to have it all
some pretend they have it all
some wish they could have it all
but, my kingdom for a horse
sometimes we can feel remorse
What is it that counts
What is it that matters, but
someone to share the kingdom with
and someone who'll care even when all is lost
that's what I think most of us desire the most
Well, it looks like I'm rounding out the three... just adding some love and hugs and care and virtual smiles and all that...I guess that doesn't really mean very much in the grand scheme...it isn't like a real hug in real life from a real person...and it's funny though how it is just as heart felt as if it were, at least to me it is...maybe I'm just weird that way...maybe as z would say I'm just deluded. So we still come to the nets, we comment, I pass on the virtual hugs and smiles and chocolate, and hope at the end of the day when we put our head on the pillow that something of that is actually "felt", "experienced", through the words, through the energy, through whatever it is our hearts put out of love to the universe to return it to those we so dearly care about even having never met before. So I'll keep hugging and smiling and sending it all virtually because hope and love never die, in whatever form they may take.
Z: yup :)
Q: yup :)
S: yup :)
E: yup :)
E = Everyone, especially everyone else (EEE?... keep up the alliteration and we'll have a cross between Mini-Me {from Austin Powers film fame} and the theme from the film Psycho... pay no attention to the man behind the shower curtain, the great and powerful YUP has spoken!)...
I've decided I just might (how's that for decisiveness) create a whole world of myspace profiles/characters for the cast of an as yet to be conceived (no less writen) soap opera film parody of something (maybe life in a teenage psych ward, or just a spoiled upper class high school or military prep school on a space station)... preliminary cast:
Major Emo
Lieutenent Al Pathetic
Captain Igrid N. Crisis
Colonel Roger Critical
General P.T. Morose
Private Pity
Corperal Punishment
Sargent Whiner
Commander Wally Meander
Admiral Advice
Mr. Oral Fagetit
Ensign Sheeza Easy
Ensign Sara Moody
President Patsy
Senator Wayland Greed
Minister Ira M. Blind
so anyway, whatcha think of the latest multi-media party that fired Imus and fueled the victim mentality of one whole culture and the guilt trip of another whole other culture?... like there's nothing important going on in the world to be the major news story of the day all week... humans are such idjits...
meanwhile, I won't buy into any sort of downplaying of the importance of your comments to me... you're all I've got, you know?>.. I'm not giving into the view my that just having a few long distant internet friends makes me pathetic and sad and a failure as a social human, no way...
when there are no comments, I feel like the words were orphaned, like me... unwanted, unappreciated, unknown, forever to be nothing to no one... a waste of time and space and energy...
I get sad, morose, even, and the dark wave of nobody cares threatens to smother the light of hope inside and that's just not gonna happen, but when I see comments, it's so much easier to pop through the clouds and fly above the lonely blues that are like the oceans of life as I've known it... and just cuz I've been sailing them for a long time since the last time I found dry land does not mean I am lost at sea...
or something like that...
you matter to me, remember?...
we can be fools and forget, wallow in self-pity, ignore what we have, allow ourselves to become blinded by unfulfilled desires...
and if it seems as though I am there, believe what you will, but I am not (shhh, that's our secret)... I wallow in my time, I vent the frustration of loneliness and the agony of unfulfilled desires, but I remain securely and acutely aware of every little bit of hope and light and love that is even hinted in my direction (and I make it up as I need it when I am alone because the fantasy of love is better than the agony of feeling unloved)...
let not my pathos fool you...
or better yet, let not my penchant for expressing the pathos fool you (unless you just want to be audience or follower or groupie and not friend)... and realize that this comment is sparked by your comments is inspired by my own reflection when I see too much slouch in my posture and too much self-pity in my tone... it is honest love from the deep dark tunnel to the little lost child always crying curled up in fetal futility from little lost child sitting in oblivious bliss playing with dust and I hope you can feel the smile within and see the light...
yes, you, me, and E too...
so once again, thanks for being here... words will never express how much you are appreciated, but maybe they can scratch the surface if I try endlessly, in every way I can come up with, to say I love you...
lol
and more lol
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