so much better

everything is that is... that is, everything is so much better in this physical world when I step up to the physical intensity of movement and activity and feel the blood flow and turn on the hormones and experience life at higher energy levels... and ultimately, I'm still merely crawling...

but crawling is better for me than doing nothing, for I have learned in this life in this body that feeling the experience of living in this physical world for awareness and focus in the stillness depends upon energy level... and for me, it is after peak physical experiences (and the hormonal releases that come) that stasis or baseline energy level can be more in tune and open to anything... having peaked in high gear, I can be most still, calm, and at peace in this body...

so I experience the relatively slow and seemingly improbable process of rising to the peaks once again as I step back into the gym tonight... and your comments and the TV and the gym lead me to this next thought...

girls girls girls...

is that Van Halen?... once kissed twice shy?... no wait, that's once burned twice shy {babe}, Slayer... and girls girls girls is Motley Crue, I believe... VH1 on TV celebrating ZZ Top, Heart, Genesis, and Ozzy (yes, the Osborne of Black Sabbath) has me thinking deep into my musical memories)...

as I look at the Wilson sisters trying to rock like they used to, trying to overlook the way Ann abused her body again, though it is evident in the intensity (or lack thereof), pauses, and straining in the vocals (especially after Gretchen wilson, in tribute, did barracuda rathe well immediately before they went on) I was saddened and amused and disgusted that she'd want to go crazy on you on anybody when she's neglecting herself so much, alas, I recall that in storage, I have an original promo copy of the vinyl Dreamboat Annie LP... picked it up for $2 in 1976 at a place called Interesting Records on 23rd St in NYC...

and then I revisit the memories of having a signed copy too (and a bunch of others by 60's and 70's artists), but the signed stuff was stolen along the way in my travels... between that stuff and the comic books and baseball cards, alas, I could be luxuriously retired these days if I wasn't so casually existential about material stuff, but that's yet another lament I shall not induldge tonight as I am flying above the drag of my own self-pity after very reasonable progress at the gym tonight) and wish I was surrounded by others who appreciated such memories in the daily world...

meanwhile, returning to the gym again tonight I am starting to feel a little closer to physical reality in this body and coming to a more visceral actualized realization that I am still cruising around in low gear (hence, the crawling reference earlier) and carrying around at least 20 pounds more than what really starts to feel good for me in this body... I might have shifted into 2nd gear tonight, but just barely and briefly... I am realizing with greater clarity that I was, just three months ago, thirty pounds heavier than I am right now and pretending it was ok to walk around daily life like that... clarity is good, even if it's clarifying something rather foolish or unpleasant...

maybe I'm amazed :)

in any case, I am balancing desire for more active social interaction with the realization that I want to wait until I can attract and interact with others at a much higher energy level than I am experiencing at the moment (and these days), to I must remember my loneliness (that is growing daily and therein putting me in a much more vulnerable state, daily) is my choice and can not be empowered as if it is something to fix or change... so I must remember the songs that remind me and reinforce what I can use most right now besides more time, and that is patience (Guns and Roses comes to mind first and I'll consider checking out these other unknown random songs too maybe)...

or I could just write one myself...

but not here...

or now...

nite

nite

:)