and the days go by alone
and I lament about this Windows 98 computer that crashes at least once an hour and resets all my configuration in MS Word and Internet Explorer and wonder why I put up with this Microsoft crap, but then, I don't want to spend thousands on Apple stuff (there's the answer) and other browsers won't stop all the Windows crashes and limit the browsing that can be done and I find browsing fun... and there's one of the justifications for not buying an up-to-date computer, I doubt Microsoft crap will crash any less with all the browsing I do so why spend a thousand or more on Microsoft crap... I don't have anything invested in this old machine so if it crashes or gets worms or viruses or whatever, it's easily replaceable... so I put up with resetting my preferred options and passwords every few days, or more often...
and I lament about being alone now and then (more often, perhaps, do I not notice?) and there's another reason not to go high tech with the computer because I might spend even more time than I do sitting here tapping at the keys in the hope that someone will respond with meaningful communication and humor (like you do most days) and sharing that will change my life and then I might not even get the three or four hours sleep I do get most nights... but the social world "out there" holds little to interest me these days...
and I lament about the days that go by without comments, without notice, without any meaningful smile even as even those around me in time and space rarely make eye contact or acknowledge the depths of our beings because, I suppose, it is so much simpler to just vegetate and gloss over emotions and dance the superficial dance that humanity dances these days (how else can we get away with the greed, corruption, lies, cruelties, hypocrisies, atrocities, and self-destruction we've come to support, accept, or ignore all around us (remember to pay your taxes so we can send more bullets to Iraq and please don't feel for the homeless guy on the corner, he smells bad after all and it's ok if New Orleans never gets rebuilt and kids actually starve to death in this land of the free and home of the brave, we're too busy stealing from other countries while pretending to be saving the world to notice our own empire crumbling under our feet...wave the flag boys, and shoot those damned hippies before they breed and start that 60's all over again)...
and I want to care, really I do, and I do for a moment or few in many different ways... in words that tear out my heart and cleanse old wounds and renew hope and faith in love... in using my creativity and professional skills to improve care and services for kids who have really messed up families (or none) and cruel lives by improving the system of care that provides them with a home and therapy... in listening to people, hearing, empathizing, and trying to form a response that might help them feel better and find a more positive view on themselves, life, and everything... by accepting life as it is and trying to be a hopeful and meaningful part of it...
and still, through the empathy and catharsis and expressions and good deeds (feeling secure that I do provide a positive energy and presence and feeling good about that), I sometimes feel so lonely... and it is easy for me, being secure and comfortable and unafraid of how I appear to anyone, to find humor and levity and silliness and the lemonade in the lemons I've stumbled upon (and squeezed) in this life (even when one squirts full strength right into my eyes)... but still, there are times when I am feeling so vulnerable that singing so lonesome I could cry (or die) just doesn't cut it and I just want to sleep until someone comes along to actually share life (and "save me" from the aloneness as days go by alone over and over and over again)...
until this decade, I was not quite this alone in the world... I always had a friend around, a best friend who shared intimacy and understanding and appreciation for at least some of the essential core aspects of life and me that let us feel we were not alone in this world... it's a numbing pain to realize those few intimates are out of touch now... the feelings did not end, just the daily sharing doesn't happen anymore...
and I wonder what good it does to express the aching hunger, to try to express the void of desire that fills me and keeps me awake some nights... and most nights my answer is that it does little or no good to dwell on what isn't, it's a waste of time to lament over what is missing, and I focus on enjoying what is and the fun and amusements and meaning I can find in this life, as days go by alone...
and I wonder if you ever listened, and I mean really listened and heard the words to Billy Joel's song, Honesty... anyone can comfort me with promises again, I know... and how I know... but I no longer want to settle for comfort at the expense of deeper connections and more meaningful sharing... so yes, anyone can but I resist letting it happen... and The Carpenters mock me with the words I know I need to be in love, I know I've wasted too much time, I know I ask perfection from a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find...
there are so many songs that say it so well, expressions of my deepest experiences, perspectives, desires, dreams... it's been years since I sang them, years since I felt them deeply, years since I came close to sharing them... and if you've read my intimate rhymes and/or my expressions of love and hope, you might wonder how I can say this... do I pretend when the optimism and/or passions pour out into words?... yes and no... I pretend the sharing, imagine and remember sharing the passion (for sharing makes it all more real)... but the hunger for the passion and the will to optimism is real, even in the depths of lament or questioning or self-analysis... I just know how much more I can feel when I share the hope, dream, optimism, passion, and love in the physical world and all the words pale in comparison to the sensory memories... and all I do seems superficial compared to all I know I can do...
I appreciate the praise I receive from others here on line and in my professional life... I treasure every positive word, I soak up every bit of attention (you may have noticed)... I do not mean to belittle or demean or in any way diminish the power of words or the importance I give to the work I do or the sharing that does happen in this life on and offline...
I just know that when everyone goes to bed and after all is said and done, I simply want more... it's always been this way in this life for me as far back as I can remember (and we trail back to the instinctive thoughts of infancy to find the same string tugging at me... more sharing, more intimacy, more passion, more intimacy, more energy, more love, more intensity, more optimism, more realism, more hope, more courage, more devotion, more fearlessness, more determination, more silliness, more seriousness, more irreverence, more reverence, more humor, more tears, more laughter, more bonding, more creativity, more curiosity, more innocence, more honesty...
more...
and days go by alone, but what aches infinitely more, now that I work what most would call a normal workweek, are the nights going by alone... at least the days are full of distractions, challenges, interactions, opportunities, meaning - no matter how impersonal or superficial or insane or unreal it can get sometimes, it is something... and the nights go by alone with only my imagination to play with, with only the visuals and sounds on TV or the CD player or the internet to amuse me, with only my words to let me know I am here...
and the nights go by alone and I wonder why
do I have to feel so lonesome I could cry
and the nights go by alone and I sit and sigh
is there nothing left to do but write and die
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of distractions
and the memories all fade
as the days provide fewer attractions
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of repetitions
and the fantasies fade
as life becomes a dance of attritions
it doesn't make any sense anymore
I wonder if it ever did all along
nothing seems to feel like it did before
I don't know where everything went so wrong
how long can I keep feeling this emptiness
this longing for something more
while being alive is still my happiness
I feel I missing something... missing what I'm alive for
and the nights go by alone and I sing my song
will I ever know the sharing I dream of
and the nights go by alone and I try to be strong
for I don't want sympathy... I want to love and be loved
I don't want your pity... I want your love
and the painted ponies go round and round... hello... hello... hello... is anybody in there?... just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody home?... you may be nodding out there where I can not see you... I cannot be you... how can we feel less alone?... there is this space that I am feeling..,. a wish that something calls from the horizon... you are only coming through in words... I can't see your lips move or read your curves... all I can do is mimic this song, whether it is right or wrong, I don't care, judgments don't belong in this, do you know what we miss as we become... comfortably numb...
and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong... so I go on as the nights go by alone, dreaming my impossible dream, walking on through the wind, through the rain, doing it my way... and memories and music (words, songs) keep me in touch with the emotions so seldom shared, but always the reason I am alive... being alive... something more... what I'm alive for...
but don't let it bring you down dear people cuz it's only castles burning and when you find someone who's turning, you will come around to know the bliss that life is about... when you find someone who needs, someone who feels, someone who sees, they will find you... you know they're out there somewhere... hold on, hold out, for when you know you've got a real friend somewhere, suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear... let go of the fears of the past and see the possibilities of today because it's hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes... you can be saved by the music, like I am...
and the nights go by alone and I sit here awake, reading, writing, hoping, longing, feeling... open to the universe and anything that might send some positive feedback, so sign that I am not the only one (I know I am not, but the reassurance feels good)... I stay awake just to watch you sleeping, you know, cuz I don't want to miss a thing...
nite nite my far away friends... may you dream your fondest dreams tonight and when you wake, may you find your way to make your dream come true :)
and I lament about being alone now and then (more often, perhaps, do I not notice?) and there's another reason not to go high tech with the computer because I might spend even more time than I do sitting here tapping at the keys in the hope that someone will respond with meaningful communication and humor (like you do most days) and sharing that will change my life and then I might not even get the three or four hours sleep I do get most nights... but the social world "out there" holds little to interest me these days...
and I lament about the days that go by without comments, without notice, without any meaningful smile even as even those around me in time and space rarely make eye contact or acknowledge the depths of our beings because, I suppose, it is so much simpler to just vegetate and gloss over emotions and dance the superficial dance that humanity dances these days (how else can we get away with the greed, corruption, lies, cruelties, hypocrisies, atrocities, and self-destruction we've come to support, accept, or ignore all around us (remember to pay your taxes so we can send more bullets to Iraq and please don't feel for the homeless guy on the corner, he smells bad after all and it's ok if New Orleans never gets rebuilt and kids actually starve to death in this land of the free and home of the brave, we're too busy stealing from other countries while pretending to be saving the world to notice our own empire crumbling under our feet...wave the flag boys, and shoot those damned hippies before they breed and start that 60's all over again)...
and I want to care, really I do, and I do for a moment or few in many different ways... in words that tear out my heart and cleanse old wounds and renew hope and faith in love... in using my creativity and professional skills to improve care and services for kids who have really messed up families (or none) and cruel lives by improving the system of care that provides them with a home and therapy... in listening to people, hearing, empathizing, and trying to form a response that might help them feel better and find a more positive view on themselves, life, and everything... by accepting life as it is and trying to be a hopeful and meaningful part of it...
and still, through the empathy and catharsis and expressions and good deeds (feeling secure that I do provide a positive energy and presence and feeling good about that), I sometimes feel so lonely... and it is easy for me, being secure and comfortable and unafraid of how I appear to anyone, to find humor and levity and silliness and the lemonade in the lemons I've stumbled upon (and squeezed) in this life (even when one squirts full strength right into my eyes)... but still, there are times when I am feeling so vulnerable that singing so lonesome I could cry (or die) just doesn't cut it and I just want to sleep until someone comes along to actually share life (and "save me" from the aloneness as days go by alone over and over and over again)...
until this decade, I was not quite this alone in the world... I always had a friend around, a best friend who shared intimacy and understanding and appreciation for at least some of the essential core aspects of life and me that let us feel we were not alone in this world... it's a numbing pain to realize those few intimates are out of touch now... the feelings did not end, just the daily sharing doesn't happen anymore...
and I wonder what good it does to express the aching hunger, to try to express the void of desire that fills me and keeps me awake some nights... and most nights my answer is that it does little or no good to dwell on what isn't, it's a waste of time to lament over what is missing, and I focus on enjoying what is and the fun and amusements and meaning I can find in this life, as days go by alone...
and I wonder if you ever listened, and I mean really listened and heard the words to Billy Joel's song, Honesty... anyone can comfort me with promises again, I know... and how I know... but I no longer want to settle for comfort at the expense of deeper connections and more meaningful sharing... so yes, anyone can but I resist letting it happen... and The Carpenters mock me with the words I know I need to be in love, I know I've wasted too much time, I know I ask perfection from a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find...
there are so many songs that say it so well, expressions of my deepest experiences, perspectives, desires, dreams... it's been years since I sang them, years since I felt them deeply, years since I came close to sharing them... and if you've read my intimate rhymes and/or my expressions of love and hope, you might wonder how I can say this... do I pretend when the optimism and/or passions pour out into words?... yes and no... I pretend the sharing, imagine and remember sharing the passion (for sharing makes it all more real)... but the hunger for the passion and the will to optimism is real, even in the depths of lament or questioning or self-analysis... I just know how much more I can feel when I share the hope, dream, optimism, passion, and love in the physical world and all the words pale in comparison to the sensory memories... and all I do seems superficial compared to all I know I can do...
I appreciate the praise I receive from others here on line and in my professional life... I treasure every positive word, I soak up every bit of attention (you may have noticed)... I do not mean to belittle or demean or in any way diminish the power of words or the importance I give to the work I do or the sharing that does happen in this life on and offline...
I just know that when everyone goes to bed and after all is said and done, I simply want more... it's always been this way in this life for me as far back as I can remember (and we trail back to the instinctive thoughts of infancy to find the same string tugging at me... more sharing, more intimacy, more passion, more intimacy, more energy, more love, more intensity, more optimism, more realism, more hope, more courage, more devotion, more fearlessness, more determination, more silliness, more seriousness, more irreverence, more reverence, more humor, more tears, more laughter, more bonding, more creativity, more curiosity, more innocence, more honesty...
more...
and days go by alone, but what aches infinitely more, now that I work what most would call a normal workweek, are the nights going by alone... at least the days are full of distractions, challenges, interactions, opportunities, meaning - no matter how impersonal or superficial or insane or unreal it can get sometimes, it is something... and the nights go by alone with only my imagination to play with, with only the visuals and sounds on TV or the CD player or the internet to amuse me, with only my words to let me know I am here...
do I have to feel so lonesome I could cry
and the nights go by alone and I sit and sigh
is there nothing left to do but write and die
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of distractions
and the memories all fade
as the days provide fewer attractions
and the nights go by alone
and the days are full of repetitions
and the fantasies fade
as life becomes a dance of attritions
it doesn't make any sense anymore
I wonder if it ever did all along
nothing seems to feel like it did before
I don't know where everything went so wrong
how long can I keep feeling this emptiness
this longing for something more
while being alive is still my happiness
I feel I missing something... missing what I'm alive for
and the nights go by alone and I sing my song
will I ever know the sharing I dream of
and the nights go by alone and I try to be strong
for I don't want sympathy... I want to love and be loved
I don't want your pity... I want your love
and the painted ponies go round and round... hello... hello... hello... is anybody in there?... just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody home?... you may be nodding out there where I can not see you... I cannot be you... how can we feel less alone?... there is this space that I am feeling..,. a wish that something calls from the horizon... you are only coming through in words... I can't see your lips move or read your curves... all I can do is mimic this song, whether it is right or wrong, I don't care, judgments don't belong in this, do you know what we miss as we become... comfortably numb...
and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong... so I go on as the nights go by alone, dreaming my impossible dream, walking on through the wind, through the rain, doing it my way... and memories and music (words, songs) keep me in touch with the emotions so seldom shared, but always the reason I am alive... being alive... something more... what I'm alive for...
but don't let it bring you down dear people cuz it's only castles burning and when you find someone who's turning, you will come around to know the bliss that life is about... when you find someone who needs, someone who feels, someone who sees, they will find you... you know they're out there somewhere... hold on, hold out, for when you know you've got a real friend somewhere, suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear... let go of the fears of the past and see the possibilities of today because it's hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes... you can be saved by the music, like I am...
and the nights go by alone and I sit here awake, reading, writing, hoping, longing, feeling... open to the universe and anything that might send some positive feedback, so sign that I am not the only one (I know I am not, but the reassurance feels good)... I stay awake just to watch you sleeping, you know, cuz I don't want to miss a thing...
nite nite my far away friends... may you dream your fondest dreams tonight and when you wake, may you find your way to make your dream come true :)
Labels: alas, appreciation, choices, dreams, emo, hope, lament, love, missing, mtmm, muses, music, naked, peace, real, serious, sigh, sincerity, smile, writing
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
6 Comments:
I usually can't fall asleep till around 3-4 at night, and that's when this lonely feeling burns the most. It's weird how at the same time it's painful to the point of it being physical, to in a way being inspiring, because you anticipate finally being with someone who would respond to this loneliness. I've been thinking this weird thought some time ago, that even though I haven't met yet him who will be there with me, I might as well start loving him now. Sort of not hold these feelings in, but just throw them out there.. hopefully someday they'll reach.. Or wait a min, is this called having an imaginary friend? Hmmm..
So strange, how everyone is looking for a friend.. and someone to be lonely together with, (if that makes sense) yet, it is so hard to find that person.
Oh oh, and here's a song for you that usually helps me when I'm in this mood.. don't know if it'll be smth you listen to though but anyways I'll risk sharing it with you: Savage Garden - Gunning Down Romance.
Many smiles to you :)
thousands?
Candoor in the uk you can get all sorts of latest stuff with flat screen et al for £499
Surely it is as cheap or cheaper in the US - if not you can always order online from Computerworld uk
The only snag is you have to fly over and visit one of their stores to pick the stuff up
I am my imaginary friend :}
P - and with a laugh at myself I smile seriously at you and thank you for relating to my words... yours make sense to me too...
I rememeber Savage Garden back hen they were singing Madly Deeply whatever (I caught the guitarist's pick at a concert back in the late 90s... still have it somewhere, I think)... I'll look for the song one of these days... thanks...
Q - besides the fact that I do not want to encourage myself to spend any more time playing with the computer or wandering around online, while anything would spin tops around this old machine, the under $1000 machines are older CPUs with less memory, smaller hard drives, slower CD/DVD drives, and often no dedicated video memory (Windows Vista will crash and burn) and smaller monitors and all around, not worth the money for the specs because the insides are already obsolete... then again, the cutting edge will be obsolete in a few months... I'd rather buy a used machine for hundreds less and eat out more often and go to more concerts with the money...
flying over would be fun though :)
more
*
it strikes me how certain times of the day seem to bring with them these moods of longing and loneliness and melancholy. For some I suppose it is the setting of the sun, for others the evening hours, and yet still others the middle of the night without someone beside them to touch and to smell and to curl up with.
And then there is more...wondering if it is even possible to have the bottomless depths shared with anyone, at least for any length of time. I suppose that is part of what distractions are made for.
Anyway, I hope you are getting back to the gym and back to eating from what is growing in the garden rather than what ruminates on top of the garden.
And I can't help just taking a moment to express my gratitude once again for all you do for the lost, the throw-aways, the forgotten.
love, hugs, smiles
and...
more
thanks S :)
your positivity helps a lot...
I just woke from a nice full sleep (decided to sleep yesterday as I found myself fasting a second full day as my subconscious once again reacts well to lament... it's good to be able to trust one's own auto-pilot :)
I am cooking now so it'll be a 60 hour fast that may kick off a better habit, though there's still chocolate in the house and pizza in the freezer, so maybe next week the super strict fitness guru will return to the steering wheel... I'm such an incorrigibly sneaky mischeivous child, which is a fine epitat for the tombstone as my mischeif is bound to be the death of me if not directly then at least sooner rather than later, but not too soon :)
bless you for so consistently remembering me and what I do and how you see me (and I appreciate you seeing me pretty much as I am)... I guess you've read enough of my babbling to find me admist the roller coaster of emotions and mischeif and distractions :)
stay beautiful...
maybe it's time for a new entry, aye? :)
ummm, yup :}
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