and this is what i do

write, that is… i talk to myself on paper, so to speak… i send out these little bubbles of thoughts in words… hoping… imagining… giggling… pretending that all these words are the long and winding road that will lead to my door when someone actually wants to find me, to share, to sleep, the wake, to live, perchance to dream… but who can find me… can you imagine piling every word i have ever written up, one on top of each other and filling an ocean that would cover the top word?... did you know that in the flesh i am buried somewhere deeper than that?...

so i live with people who kind of care, especially when they need something, but they don't see me when i am standing in front of them and they don't hear me when i ask for what matters most to me and they don't care that their habits bring me down and enable my own self-defeatist and even when gifts are exchanged at holidays or birthdays or returning from trips or the normal human gift giving moments, i am not included… maybe i was once or twice, but i do not remember at time… still, i give expensive birthday dinners and three figure gifts and four figure loans that usually turn into gifts because they remain loans forever… and beyond home, i have no one else in my personal world outside of a few work people who i visit now and then when they have a party… and i see relative strangers at meetups, but then, who is not a relative stranger to me…

so this is what i do…

to keep in touch with myself, to remain able to feel intimacy, to continue to dig into myself just in case anyone ever really wants to know (and yes, i mean in the immediate physical world… most of the time i believe you really want to know, but then, i also know that is my illusion as well, for as much as we care, we are not reading and digging into every word, image, or whatever we post and asking for the depths behind it… who has the time… and long distance, depths must be at least partly illusion, at least from my experience, which has been quite amazingly deep, actually, maybe unbelievably so… i suppose closing this parentheses would be the thing to do now)… i leave myself and my world wide open… i tell people that i write a lot and much of it can be found on the web…

nobody in eye contact reads my words… that's one reason you matter a lot to me… because you loved into my eyes and still come around to read me a lot… if only you were the one, aye?... i know, you invited me to come live with you in SD and even proposed, but as much as i love you, you're just not my type… too hairy and you bulge in the wrong places… but no regrets, we'll always have space…

i really was trying to be serious here tonight… and probably was even when i burst out laughing… truth can do that, i suppose… part of the learning to be human trip, maybe… so much uncertainty, but then, deep down beneath the façade of silliness and irreverence and hopelessly hopeful romanticness, so little doubt… no doubt, probably, if i dared accept that anything can be such a superlative or absolute… being a relativist is not always conducive to every perspective i explore, even when it might be the one that is closest to the collective real… but then, that's probably just the failsafe that keeps ego from taking over talking…

most of the time i wonder if am i the only one amused… not that nobody else is amused, but i mean am i the only one who truly gets it, me, the big picture, the whole enchilada, the infinite eternity of the thought-feeling thing i am expressing at any given moment… but especially sometimes when i am touching core stuff… this may be one of those times, or close, but fleeting moments of absolute lucidity alternating with the utter chaos of random rationalizations and abstract distractions leaves little room for certainty, no doubt…

cha… ha even…

so this is what i do… after attempting one more time to interact with other humans… after hoping out hope for the one (always on my mind)… after bouncing around exchanging happy words and playing games and talking with people… hoping one would actually become a friend as i have known friends… after pushing the body to one more social experience at the expense of sleep… i smile and wave bye bye like everybody else (well, ok, so maybe i don't wave bye bye like everybody else… most people don't wave bye bye much anymore… but that's not the point) and drive off toward this place where i sleep… and sometimes i turn on the tv and find vegetative amusement to distract me… and often i reach for food cuz i've eaten little throughout the day and that tastes so good… and sometimes i sit down here to write whatever comes into (or out of) my head… ok, so maybe more than sometimes… and i hope… and i dream… and i write words that help me keep believing in me and my dreams… cuz what else is there to do?... i tried giving up, it sucks…

for the record, this post would have had at least twenty more tags or labels or whatever we call them if blogspot did not have a limit of 20... but that's an aside added after the fact slipped in here just to let you know because it mattered to me... and now, back to our regularly unscheduled rambling...

so alone in this world… so isolated deep down… is this the experience for everyone?... are the bondings and sharings and intimacies and communications i observe others having truly so superficial that they remain this alone and isolated deep down?... i hope not… but if they are, is there really some satisfactory sense of satisfaction that quells the desire to share deep down in the sharing they do?... i'd like to believe they do share deep down, that it is possible for humans, and that it will happen to me… even when i wonder if it ever did (the tornado of wondering if every intensely intimate moment i've known and shared – or at least believed i shared – was actually just an act someone put on to get something from me is a powerful wind of uncertainty, ya know?)… there is still no doubt in my blind faith belief that anything is possible, so my dream is possible…

logic, ya know?... and this is what i do… to remind myself… to prove i am alive… to never give up, never surrender… to infinity and beyond… to quote cult classic movies that are so silly and sentimental that i cry and laugh at the movie and myself all at once… and love every minute of it, except for the moment i lament about one more moment of a finite life going by not sharing the experience… alas, and sigh, and all the kings horses and all the kings men, and four and twenty blackbirds, and i love her, so, even, and the the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two opposing sides, and you can't jelly a cock into anything, then, and then, slowly i turn at niagara falls, and this is what i do…

random access distractions presented by the river of associations and references flowing through my candy-coated thought stream… maybe it doesn't actually have banks… but i still just want to love someone and be loved back, thanks… after all… and the wheel in my mind keeps on turning… where it stops, only the one knows… and anyone else who wants to share the time it might take to find out… in one way or another, in one space and time or another, we are all on the road to find out, the long and winding road… even if we don't know it… even if we don't think so… it's happening whether we want it to or not… and i am here to record it in my own particular way… cuz this is what i do… and this too (cuz rhymes are full of glee)...

so what do you do, really? :)

one day at a time entry

just in case you've been away for the holidays or something, this is a note to let you know that the last few entries are for you as much as they are for me for you inspired them... thank you for that... and now, this:

i was just thinking, perhaps at random, as i woke…

i was remembering talking on the phone with someone who really seems to appreciate me as i am and that lead me to remember that one of my first thoughts when meeting anyone is, i wonder how much of me i'll have to hold back this time …

the most innocent, honest, and un-wanting of thoughts come in the first moments of waking…

this is what i have to offer, these words here and now and all the words that have ever been written, a bit of which has been posted on the web here and there, these words that represent what i have to offer beyond the words… the words are a recording, a literary painting of my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and imagination… and the words are part of and further represent the daily offering, the consistency of my renewal… the energy that fills my hope, the hope that drives my energy… while the mind and body slow a bit with each passing year, the words represent the current moment and still here is energy that bounces around when most others lay down to rest… even in these busier times when offline life is much more full of activity and the mind is much more full of responsibility, the energy bubbles over as the desire to share the fun and the intimacy of life continues to inspire me to reach out in every way i can, including these words…

as best as i can relate my experience in this life, the meticulous diversity of interests and child-like energy (and perspectives) seem to keep most people (all, if the truth be faced) from coming to close to me… the openness of my heart and mind seems unreal or beyond the scope of everyone i've met so far… people tell me of their gods and i wonder why they do not actualize… i believe to merely worship the ideals and goodness and kindness and godliness is a sad cop-out when we each have the ability to actualize the same ideals, goodness, kindness, and godliness… i will not unconditionally trust anyone who chooses such a cop-out and i've yet to meet anyone who does not…

so i remain alone…

and as often as i have heard the words, i firmly believe that actualizing the ideals is not a too good to be true proposition… i am as i am and therein have my proof that it is possible in this life... and as often as i have heard about the impossibility of perfection, i know that it is not achieving perfection, it is simple maintaining the path… when i fall, i pick myself up and continue… when i feel too tired or wasted or burnt or hurt or burdened or betrayed or any reason comes along to suggest i cannot go on, i pause and breathe deeply and ponder my choices for a moment and the obvious becomes clear… i always have the choice to continue, to go on… even when i believe i cannot or do not want to…

so i continue…

and i take a few minutes or even an hour each day to remind myself, to meditate, to write, to put myself out here as i am… at this moment in time, physical pathetic by my standards, though i found amazement in the eyes of one of my peers last night after softball practice when she asked how many years this body i am in has been in this life… she estimated ten to fifteen years below the actual number of years (and she is a person in excellent physical condition, no less)… and this is bloated up and way out of shape by my standards and physical comfort level… and i feel sad to be reminded once again how comparably low the cultural standards are for fitness in this culture today… and why the priceless pep talk commercial about rock hard abs is so poignant…

so i lament, but even as i lament, i hold out hope that i will return to my standards of living and will find another who chooses compatible standards who might share the daily life and take the leap of unconditional trust… and i will dream, but even as i dream, i actualize myself as i am (even when i am dissatisfied with myself) and share myself as well as i am able (and permitted, as sharing requires at least two and i do not control others choices)… and i write, but even as i write (and read and wander the internet), i increase my offline activities and experiences for potential physical world intimacies… and i rejoice in the balance, even when the balance is not optimal (think i'll motivate myself back to the gym if i keep harping on the physical imbalance?... well, i am a stubborn rebel, so it might be backfiring… but at least i am not forgetting or letting myself pretend it's acceptable, aye?)…

did you know that almost every aye? is smiling even though i do not insert smiling faces?... did you know that most of my writing is done with tongue in cheek and i am smiling at the end of most sentences or paragraphs or pauses or whatever we might call the ellipsis moments?... even when i may appear to be pathetically lamenting or whining or crying?... did you know?... see, you never know when the amazing secrets might pop out…

so welcome to my work, again, if you've been here before this entry…

each entry, in it's own way, is an introduction to me, the me i am in the moment… while sometimes i am focused on philosophies or specific topics and sometimes i am mocking or creating distractions and/or amusements to keep my mind occupied while it's not sharing, each entry is my hello to you, to the world, to the univers for today…

more will follow, until i can no longer tap the keys…

enjoy your today :)

merry happy

The world is much too full of religion,
leaving so little room for god.
for those who feel a need for some all-powerful being, then let there be room for such a being within those and do not pretend the social rituals and hypocrisy of rules can create such a being where actions do not… and whatever god may be if god exists, be there one or many or none, if such a being seeks other beings to devote time and energy to sacrifice life and limb in some form of worship or ritual then i believe that being is weak and insecure, seeking reassurance and validation from outside itself for it is lacking a sense of completeness or esteem within itself…

give your god the respect of living your life well...

i feel sad to see so many spending so much time and energy trying to be something they are not, pretending they believe one thing when most of their actions do not support their belief, ignoring the ignorance and hypocrisy they actualize and therein, become in their daily lives and collection actions…

give your god the honor of living your life true...

i see so much energy spent on fitting in, on belonging, on explaining, on justifying, on validating, on seeking confirmation, on thinking and over-thinking and demanding understanding and pleading for certainty and begging for security and hoping for unity and praying for sanctity and wishing for peace and dreaming of love and dividing everything into words... so little energy spent on just being...

give your god reverence by being all you can be, right now...

for me, peace is no longer feeling the need for validation... security is no longer feeling the need for answers... love is no longer feeling the need for confirmation... truth is no longer feeling the need to explain... not necessarily in that order...

i suggest you untie the knots… you will not fall apart, even if you think you are...

"Sometimes you have to take a step or two back, re-treat take a month off don't do anything don't want to do anything peace is paramount pace is paramount whatever you want you aren't going to get it by trying too hard.

Take ten years off you'll be stronger take twenty years off you'll be much stronger. there's nothing to win anyhow and remember the second best thing in the world is a good nights sleep and the best: a gentle death. ~ Bukowski

while i do not agree with all the quotes i read or choose to repeat here (or even with all the words i write), i am thankful for the inspirations and thoughts you and writing provides… writing allows me to explore possibilities of thought and perspectives and beliefs… rarely do i take the writing seriously enough to actually find the words to express myself as i am… most often i am playing with the possibilities, especially when i am alone, as i am today…

i have known the pleasure and time for actualization that comes from taking years off from the daily grind of work and modern life... letting go of the trappings, the possessions, the connections to the bills and responsibilities and obligations of maintaining what is called respectability and success is a freedom few experience, which is sad...

i may believe that religion and belief in god is a cop-out on the responsibility of growing out of dependent childhood and into independent being responsible for his or her own actions, but that may mean nothing to you... what matters is do we live our beliefs in our daily lives...

give your god life by lighting your light and following your dream...

it matters little whether there is a consciously planned and recorded continuum that remains visible in the physical world or whether each moment dissolves in a poof of synaptic ambivalence (or a delete button), what is is, what was was, what will be will be, and remembering or forgetting, deliberately or not, does not change this… whether tomorrow is dominoes falling at random or carefully set by some guiding hand, what matters is being open to the experience here and now… miss this, and you miss the point…

but it is an individual decision as we each create our own reality or illusion, depending on the word and perspective we choose… and whether one chooses to follow others or to explore a less travelled path toward reason or insanity, whether one records to remember or for ego's sack, or simply lives the moments, whether one chooses to believe in things beyond the sensory experience or one accepts not knowing what may be beyond the sensory experience, what matters is the actions one chooses to take in this life and the time and energy one spends in living…

many choose to wait, to hide, to deny, to close their minds (and hearts and senses) to much of the life experience for some reason… many choose to believe in rules that restrict the life experience well beyond the what others would choose… that is their choice and their right, though some believe they have the right to force their choices on others and that is where i disagree, for just as they would not want someone violating them and their choices, others would most likely like to be treated the same… do unto others, after all…

I respect those who choose to live up to their own professed beliefs, and words… i've met few who choose to… that is sad… my personal views provide a peace that requires nothing beyond the sensory experience and the moment… what is beyond the known sensory experience is fun for my imagination and inspires dreams and stories (which is one reason science fiction is a playground for my mind)… what is beyond the moment adds to the experience within my mind through memories and fantasies, but again, for me, none of that is required for peace and the pleasure of being in the moment…

that last paragraph comes as close to the perspective i call me as i've put into words in some time… whether it is irony, coincidence, subconscious, or conscious intention to choose this day of the year to ponder along these paths or not, the possibilities amuse me and that is why i write, to amuse myself… i put the words out here to introduce myself, to touch you, and to amuse you… if i succeed in this now and then, yay…

recently i was given cause to ponder the trail of blog entries and blogs i leave out here on the web... many thousands of pages of words, pieces of me, moments in time, bits of imagination, and much nonsense for the moment because irreverence amuses me... and the question of importance arises, the question of why i leave the words out here...

i leave the words out here as a trail, like bread crumbs, to me... because i am alone and hope to find a compatible intimate partner to share the moments of life... the blogs, the entries, the pages of words all lead to me in some way just as each book on my shelves and each song or video in my library points in some way to the experience that has formed me in this life... while sharing is not required for my peace and enjoyment of the moment, sharing often increases the pleasure and and enhances the moment... so these bits of me and my imagination remain as messages in bottles, as long and short winding roads leading to my door...

and that's why there is an entry almost every day, for today is the moment i live, yesterday matters to know me better, so the past entries and blogs remains, but today is the moment i am...

i hope you find what you require for peace within yourself in this world and spend most, if not all of your time enjoying the life… if you are still searching, may you enjoy the search and not stress the small stuff, or even the big stuff... let death and whatever might come next be a surprise party, it's much more exciting that way... don't forget now, enjoy the life along the way… it is your choice, even if you believe it is not, for that too is a choice… and in the end, may you enjoy taking responsibility for your choices and either love them or change them… i believe you can… and hope you do…

every day, in every way, enjoy your peace :)

the secret

hmmmm, being a wanderer (which is proven, of course, by my choosing the be known as Wanderer at Yahoo and several other places online a long long time ago), i am amused by the 11D beings hiding out beyond the 7D through 10D beings, especially since most people are not even aware of the 6D or 5D beings because of fear and even 4D beings are rarely viewed as much more than leaders or wow, isn't he cool? or occasionally Ben Franklins or Thomas Jeffersons, and so recently when i found the terms indigo and starseed and crystal popping up in my email (thanks to meetup) and what about chartreuse and infrared (but you can call me rainbow, sunshine) and alpha beta delta gamma and out beyond omega and all the other labels, i was instantly distracted by my human training and was happy to discover that i was almost fully indoctrinated and memory repression was almost complete so no one would ever believe i was who i was before i was in RealTime™ according to the words written here as gospel cuz that is how it's done…

not even me…

breathtaking revelations, no doubt, but the bottom line is my unshakeable blind faith in agnosticism that keeps me amused at all the other blind faiths out there that propose right wrong and all sorts of other explanations for everything that is only known by faith, but my faith that nothing is completely knowable is stronger than any other faith, or empirical evidence even, so now you know, i am an infinite D being from beyond the black hole, not the one in Calcutta, but a bit farther East, you know, beyond where the map ends…

i think i may have finally reach the point of observer, no longer feeling any compulsion (or even much desire) to help anyone get anywhere (unless, maybe, if they ask real nice)... humans may have to wait for the next evolution of life for the time of enlightenment... maybe the secret is doing nothing...

it is rewarding (and existential) to finally realize that i am becoming successfully human in my mock quest to become human as i have suggested sarcastically all along now and then and especially in the sidebar there that you can so easily overlook… yes, the feigned ignorance is finally starting to take hold and become my natural slovenly unawareness… i even waste stuff regularly, eat un-organic rice, and overcook meat… the only question left now is that now that i am finally human, what do i do now?...

now?...

how about now?...

hey, i think i'm getting the hang of it…

for no apparent raisin

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

star light, star bright, I see you
am I too small for you to see me?
how many days are in a light year?
is the answer something we can see?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

humanity in a teardrop
eternity in a sigh
infinity in a brain cell
look it right in the eye

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer, wiggle, wuggle
waggle till you figure it out
wazzle till you figure it out

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

humanity in a moment
eternity in the sky
infinity in a wavelength
look it right in the eye

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
mixer, maxer, muxer, pixil, paxil
puxel till you figure it out
puzzle till you figure it out

humanity in a zygote
eternity in a wink
infinity in a rainbow
do you know what you think?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
kasper, kusper, kisper, kaster, kuster
kister till you figure it out
kizzer till you figure it out

humanity in a whisper
eternity in a flame
infinity in a memory
even if it's all a game

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

rebor, riber, raber
top side butt side in
rezen, rizen, razen
where do we begin?

dontcha wanna secret with someone
isn't that what friends are all about
shebor, shiber, shaber, rezen, rizen,
razen till you figure it out
kizzer till you figure it out

humanity in a raisin
eternity in a love
infinity in your laughter
what could we be thinking of?

wizzer, wuzzer, wazzer
upside downside out
wiggle, wuggle, waggle
what's it all about?

piver, paver, puver
inside outside boo
pixil, paxil, puxel
what does it mean to you?

kasper, kusper, kisper
right side left side yo
kaster, kuster, kister
which way shall we go?

rebor, riber, raber
top side butt side in
rezen, rizen, razen
raisin?
where do we begin?

star light, star bright, I see you
am I too small for you to see me?
how many days are in a light year?
is the answer something we can be?