and this is what i do
write, that is… i talk to myself on paper, so to speak… i send out these little bubbles of thoughts in words… hoping… imagining… giggling… pretending that all these words are the long and winding road that will lead to my door when someone actually wants to find me, to share, to sleep, the wake, to live, perchance to dream… but who can find me… can you imagine piling every word i have ever written up, one on top of each other and filling an ocean that would cover the top word?... did you know that in the flesh i am buried somewhere deeper than that?...
so i live with people who kind of care, especially when they need something, but they don't see me when i am standing in front of them and they don't hear me when i ask for what matters most to me and they don't care that their habits bring me down and enable my own self-defeatist and even when gifts are exchanged at holidays or birthdays or returning from trips or the normal human gift giving moments, i am not included… maybe i was once or twice, but i do not remember at time… still, i give expensive birthday dinners and three figure gifts and four figure loans that usually turn into gifts because they remain loans forever… and beyond home, i have no one else in my personal world outside of a few work people who i visit now and then when they have a party… and i see relative strangers at meetups, but then, who is not a relative stranger to me…
so this is what i do…
to keep in touch with myself, to remain able to feel intimacy, to continue to dig into myself just in case anyone ever really wants to know (and yes, i mean in the immediate physical world… most of the time i believe you really want to know, but then, i also know that is my illusion as well, for as much as we care, we are not reading and digging into every word, image, or whatever we post and asking for the depths behind it… who has the time… and long distance, depths must be at least partly illusion, at least from my experience, which has been quite amazingly deep, actually, maybe unbelievably so… i suppose closing this parentheses would be the thing to do now)… i leave myself and my world wide open… i tell people that i write a lot and much of it can be found on the web…
nobody in eye contact reads my words… that's one reason you matter a lot to me… because you loved into my eyes and still come around to read me a lot… if only you were the one, aye?... i know, you invited me to come live with you in SD and even proposed, but as much as i love you, you're just not my type… too hairy and you bulge in the wrong places… but no regrets, we'll always have space…
i really was trying to be serious here tonight… and probably was even when i burst out laughing… truth can do that, i suppose… part of the learning to be human trip, maybe… so much uncertainty, but then, deep down beneath the façade of silliness and irreverence and hopelessly hopeful romanticness, so little doubt… no doubt, probably, if i dared accept that anything can be such a superlative or absolute… being a relativist is not always conducive to every perspective i explore, even when it might be the one that is closest to the collective real… but then, that's probably just the failsafe that keeps ego from taking over talking…
most of the time i wonder if am i the only one amused… not that nobody else is amused, but i mean am i the only one who truly gets it, me, the big picture, the whole enchilada, the infinite eternity of the thought-feeling thing i am expressing at any given moment… but especially sometimes when i am touching core stuff… this may be one of those times, or close, but fleeting moments of absolute lucidity alternating with the utter chaos of random rationalizations and abstract distractions leaves little room for certainty, no doubt…
cha… ha even…
so this is what i do… after attempting one more time to interact with other humans… after hoping out hope for the one (always on my mind)… after bouncing around exchanging happy words and playing games and talking with people… hoping one would actually become a friend as i have known friends… after pushing the body to one more social experience at the expense of sleep… i smile and wave bye bye like everybody else (well, ok, so maybe i don't wave bye bye like everybody else… most people don't wave bye bye much anymore… but that's not the point) and drive off toward this place where i sleep… and sometimes i turn on the tv and find vegetative amusement to distract me… and often i reach for food cuz i've eaten little throughout the day and that tastes so good… and sometimes i sit down here to write whatever comes into (or out of) my head… ok, so maybe more than sometimes… and i hope… and i dream… and i write words that help me keep believing in me and my dreams… cuz what else is there to do?... i tried giving up, it sucks…
for the record, this post would have had at least twenty more tags or labels or whatever we call them if blogspot did not have a limit of 20... but that's an aside added after the fact slipped in here just to let you know because it mattered to me... and now, back to our regularly unscheduled rambling...
so alone in this world… so isolated deep down… is this the experience for everyone?... are the bondings and sharings and intimacies and communications i observe others having truly so superficial that they remain this alone and isolated deep down?... i hope not… but if they are, is there really some satisfactory sense of satisfaction that quells the desire to share deep down in the sharing they do?... i'd like to believe they do share deep down, that it is possible for humans, and that it will happen to me… even when i wonder if it ever did (the tornado of wondering if every intensely intimate moment i've known and shared – or at least believed i shared – was actually just an act someone put on to get something from me is a powerful wind of uncertainty, ya know?)… there is still no doubt in my blind faith belief that anything is possible, so my dream is possible…
logic, ya know?... and this is what i do… to remind myself… to prove i am alive… to never give up, never surrender… to infinity and beyond… to quote cult classic movies that are so silly and sentimental that i cry and laugh at the movie and myself all at once… and love every minute of it, except for the moment i lament about one more moment of a finite life going by not sharing the experience… alas, and sigh, and all the kings horses and all the kings men, and four and twenty blackbirds, and i love her, so, even, and the the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two opposing sides, and you can't jelly a cock into anything, then, and then, slowly i turn at niagara falls, and this is what i do…
random access distractions presented by the river of associations and references flowing through my candy-coated thought stream… maybe it doesn't actually have banks… but i still just want to love someone and be loved back, thanks… after all… and the wheel in my mind keeps on turning… where it stops, only the one knows… and anyone else who wants to share the time it might take to find out… in one way or another, in one space and time or another, we are all on the road to find out, the long and winding road… even if we don't know it… even if we don't think so… it's happening whether we want it to or not… and i am here to record it in my own particular way… cuz this is what i do… and this too (cuz rhymes are full of glee)...
so what do you do, really? :)
so i live with people who kind of care, especially when they need something, but they don't see me when i am standing in front of them and they don't hear me when i ask for what matters most to me and they don't care that their habits bring me down and enable my own self-defeatist and even when gifts are exchanged at holidays or birthdays or returning from trips or the normal human gift giving moments, i am not included… maybe i was once or twice, but i do not remember at time… still, i give expensive birthday dinners and three figure gifts and four figure loans that usually turn into gifts because they remain loans forever… and beyond home, i have no one else in my personal world outside of a few work people who i visit now and then when they have a party… and i see relative strangers at meetups, but then, who is not a relative stranger to me…
so this is what i do…
to keep in touch with myself, to remain able to feel intimacy, to continue to dig into myself just in case anyone ever really wants to know (and yes, i mean in the immediate physical world… most of the time i believe you really want to know, but then, i also know that is my illusion as well, for as much as we care, we are not reading and digging into every word, image, or whatever we post and asking for the depths behind it… who has the time… and long distance, depths must be at least partly illusion, at least from my experience, which has been quite amazingly deep, actually, maybe unbelievably so… i suppose closing this parentheses would be the thing to do now)… i leave myself and my world wide open… i tell people that i write a lot and much of it can be found on the web…
nobody in eye contact reads my words… that's one reason you matter a lot to me… because you loved into my eyes and still come around to read me a lot… if only you were the one, aye?... i know, you invited me to come live with you in SD and even proposed, but as much as i love you, you're just not my type… too hairy and you bulge in the wrong places… but no regrets, we'll always have space…
i really was trying to be serious here tonight… and probably was even when i burst out laughing… truth can do that, i suppose… part of the learning to be human trip, maybe… so much uncertainty, but then, deep down beneath the façade of silliness and irreverence and hopelessly hopeful romanticness, so little doubt… no doubt, probably, if i dared accept that anything can be such a superlative or absolute… being a relativist is not always conducive to every perspective i explore, even when it might be the one that is closest to the collective real… but then, that's probably just the failsafe that keeps ego from taking over talking…
most of the time i wonder if am i the only one amused… not that nobody else is amused, but i mean am i the only one who truly gets it, me, the big picture, the whole enchilada, the infinite eternity of the thought-feeling thing i am expressing at any given moment… but especially sometimes when i am touching core stuff… this may be one of those times, or close, but fleeting moments of absolute lucidity alternating with the utter chaos of random rationalizations and abstract distractions leaves little room for certainty, no doubt…
cha… ha even…
so this is what i do… after attempting one more time to interact with other humans… after hoping out hope for the one (always on my mind)… after bouncing around exchanging happy words and playing games and talking with people… hoping one would actually become a friend as i have known friends… after pushing the body to one more social experience at the expense of sleep… i smile and wave bye bye like everybody else (well, ok, so maybe i don't wave bye bye like everybody else… most people don't wave bye bye much anymore… but that's not the point) and drive off toward this place where i sleep… and sometimes i turn on the tv and find vegetative amusement to distract me… and often i reach for food cuz i've eaten little throughout the day and that tastes so good… and sometimes i sit down here to write whatever comes into (or out of) my head… ok, so maybe more than sometimes… and i hope… and i dream… and i write words that help me keep believing in me and my dreams… cuz what else is there to do?... i tried giving up, it sucks…
for the record, this post would have had at least twenty more tags or labels or whatever we call them if blogspot did not have a limit of 20... but that's an aside added after the fact slipped in here just to let you know because it mattered to me... and now, back to our regularly unscheduled rambling...
so alone in this world… so isolated deep down… is this the experience for everyone?... are the bondings and sharings and intimacies and communications i observe others having truly so superficial that they remain this alone and isolated deep down?... i hope not… but if they are, is there really some satisfactory sense of satisfaction that quells the desire to share deep down in the sharing they do?... i'd like to believe they do share deep down, that it is possible for humans, and that it will happen to me… even when i wonder if it ever did (the tornado of wondering if every intensely intimate moment i've known and shared – or at least believed i shared – was actually just an act someone put on to get something from me is a powerful wind of uncertainty, ya know?)… there is still no doubt in my blind faith belief that anything is possible, so my dream is possible…
logic, ya know?... and this is what i do… to remind myself… to prove i am alive… to never give up, never surrender… to infinity and beyond… to quote cult classic movies that are so silly and sentimental that i cry and laugh at the movie and myself all at once… and love every minute of it, except for the moment i lament about one more moment of a finite life going by not sharing the experience… alas, and sigh, and all the kings horses and all the kings men, and four and twenty blackbirds, and i love her, so, even, and the the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two opposing sides, and you can't jelly a cock into anything, then, and then, slowly i turn at niagara falls, and this is what i do…
random access distractions presented by the river of associations and references flowing through my candy-coated thought stream… maybe it doesn't actually have banks… but i still just want to love someone and be loved back, thanks… after all… and the wheel in my mind keeps on turning… where it stops, only the one knows… and anyone else who wants to share the time it might take to find out… in one way or another, in one space and time or another, we are all on the road to find out, the long and winding road… even if we don't know it… even if we don't think so… it's happening whether we want it to or not… and i am here to record it in my own particular way… cuz this is what i do… and this too (cuz rhymes are full of glee)...
so what do you do, really? :)
Labels: amused, aye?, balance, comfort, egmo, erreverence, giggle, home, hope, irony intros, lam, life, loneli, love, mantra, mtmm, naked, secret smile, welcome, writing
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
4 Comments:
I think everyone feels this loneliness that eats away at them. Just some find more distractions from it and some find less, but it's always there. Usually the best distraction from your own loneliness is I guess being in love with someone. I think the more we are aware of ourselves, and the more time we get to spend conversating with ourselves, the lonelier we feel. But when you find something to focus on which is outside yourself then you feel this loneliness less.
It's like in our heads there's this whole universe, and we're kinda floating and echoing in there, and we're the only inhabited planet - population: 1. But when you get out your head, and look outside there's another universe with yet another only inhabited planet but - population: 6 billion. All a matter of scale. Makes me think of that idea from Hitchhiker's Guide, about the population of universe amounting to 0 and everyone you meet is just your imagination.. um, how is this comment supposed to make you feel better now.. it was my intention really, but somehow I got off subject.
The point is, we must focus on the outside, get out of our own head, oh and not expect anything. Like, ever. Then pretty much everything becomes a wonderful surprise.
Sometimes it is a must to be self with yourself, and that is great moments of discovers. But, to feel the loneliness in a huge social group or family that is hurtful.
It is hard for persons characterized by introvert actions to be at the scene with extroverts ... You seem to choose the inner discoveries, before the outer ... can they ever meet on a level where everyone can socially interact?
Do You really want people near You that will be a sure disturbance of Your writings and online projections? And IF, how is it possible to manage both "ways of living"?
No doubt z is lovable, even when he tries not to be, and since writing is like purging for you, carry on.
And I still bring smiles and hugs, as always :)
after writing, whether it's purging or creating or whatever it may be, i feel wonderful... it's the expression of the experience and emotion that usually thrills me and at the very least, amuses me... i suppose my laughter does not always come through in the words, but it's rare that it isn't happening as i write... this entry especially tickled me because it's so true for me personally in so many ways...
and strange as i may be, the closer i get to myself inside, the more intimately and deeply and honestly and focused i am in my communication within myself, the more euphoric and less lonely i feel… the feeling is beyond expression except to say one with everything or some such philosophical experience… it's really wonderful, it is…
as for intro-extro verts, i am wide open and eager to share with anyone in the world around me, too much so for most adults… i think everybody is introverted compared to me when i share… maybe it is not for me to judge… i feel fear walls around everyone in this world, kind of like an aura, i suppose… a barrier of relatively silent energy (though it screams out at me sometimes, only not in ways that ears can hear) that keeps conscious awareness (or at least the mutual acknowledgment of it) from getting too real, intense, serious, deep, heavy, much, time-consuming, intimate, or whatever word might fit there…
while it may seem, even to me sometimes, that i take refuge in words, it's more the thing i do when no one is around and i want to keep sharing… writing is my imaginary sharing, my solitary sharing, my infinite eternal sharing… cuz to do other sharing requires someone else with whom to share and there is not always someone else around 24/7 and i want to share more than i have people around to share and so i ramble on like this until i fall asleep, get distracted, or someone comes along to share…
meanwhile, by irony, coincidence, synchronicity, divine intervention, or whatever, i watched The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy a couple of times after writing this entry (which may be the previous entry if this comment becomes the next entry as it seems to be doing without intending to)… Douglas Adams is one of my favorite minds… so much of what he wrote makes so much more sense to me than most of the serious philosophies humans live by… reading him, Heinlein, Bach, Gaimen, and some others who write in a sort of philosophical science fiction fantasy type way that opens the door to widely alternative perspectives comforts me and reassures me that the thoughts and perspectives in my head are not so unique and the normal human disorganized mess and farting and TV people droning on and on in the background are not the only way to be…
one of my not too normal thoughts is that people can actually be honest and open with each other and still live in peace… i would love to live with people close to my in the physical world who share the love of words and desire to share and perspective that honesty is the best way to share and truly believe, as i do, in honest love so there's nothing to hide… i suppose most grown-ups would consider it a childish perspective, but that's me and it's real and it works for me…
of course that's probably why so few grown-ups come close to share the way i do…
but given the choice between sharing with someone or sitting alone writing, i'll almost always choose sharing with someone… the writing comes after everyone stops sharing for whatever reason, usually they go to sleep… which is why one of my more frequent theme song lines when i come to write is will no one stay awake with me?... i just want more sharing and come back to share in this way when there's nobody left awake…
this way i can keep sharing and having fun with thoughts and emotions and life experiences even when everybody's gone…
see? :)
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