in the material world

so there's the BMG Music service teasing me with their emails and i remember when they (and Columbia house) were good sources of filling in a CD collection and i may be on the verge of starting over and so i travel the internet over to their website and search their catalog for the CDs that mean something to me, the ones i remember from what might be called the one hundred CDs i would want with me if i was deserted on an island somewhere and had the means to play them… and i find that half, more than half, are not available through the music service… blastphoney!... blasphemy! too... so they lure me into considering buying other stuff, like the second hundred or thousand top CDs in the soundtrack of this life as i've known it…

and Precious needs a car desperately… and a laptop… and Minnie is always needing more money, especially now that she's trying to raise her brother's newly turned teenage daughter on her own… so many live hand to mouth around me… and here i am considering dropping six hundred bucks on BMG for about eighty CDs… should i feel guilty?... should i feel irresponsible?... i rarely do what the human guilt trip considers what people should do… i give when my heart tells me to give, which is most of the time, which is why i type on old used computers and drive a small bare-bones 2000 car and wear cheap superstore clothes and leave my stuff in storage and live without a music system or instruments or my libraries or any other expensive stuff i might enjoy…

like a bed, for instance…

i am feeling the give-take imbalance a bit more than i ordinarily do lately… i go through these phases now and then… so i try to be more selfish so i might actually buy something relatively expensive (by common usa lower middle or upper poverty level class standards) i would enjoy… i try not to resent the imbalance, but sometimes in the selfish phases i do not like way people always seem to take from me and give little or nothing to me… even something small that would be a symbol of caring and a tangible reminder that they were actually thinking of me when i wasn't giving them something would be nice, but the people closest to me today are like almost all the other people i've known throughout this life…

i do remember feeling loved and cared for a few times along the way, though it's been more than a decade in the physical world… and those few people remain treasures in my memories… and i continue to feel blessed to have known them, however briefly… even though it was relatively long ago… which is another reason you guys who take the time to leave me messages mean so much to me (shhhh, the cynical cavalier casual aloof ambivalent apathy that so permeates the flippant irreverence of much of my writing will return because, after all, i find it amusing, especially when people take it at face value and judge me accordingly)…

ummmm, thank you :)