ouchie

for the first time in my hundred thousand years of this physical lives, i heard (and felt) the pop of a muscle that would not quite go where the brain told it to go... left hamstring, partial tear i reckon, cuz i can still walk and breathe without dying from pain... bummer of much regard, what with my commitments to two leagues to pitch... i knew i should have gone on the juice... a sorrowful aside to the ridiculous mockery of justice and our attention spans (not to mention our tax dollars) that congress is giving us lately... we're fucking at war in Iraq and they are debating with a drug dealer and pitcher over what may or may not have happened in a locker room in 1999... anything to get their ugly greedy manipulative faces on TV... it's sickening...

there is definitely some serious pain firing through the back of the left thigh whenever i move certain ways and i haven't quite figured out how to go through life without moving those certain ways, partly cuz i keep finding new certain ways of inciting more nerve endings to scream much louder than the constant companion, tinitus, ever dared... shit, pitching this Sunday might be quite a chore... in fact, walkiing this Sunday might be a miracle... but then, it's not like i'm asking to walk on water or anything... much...

the saddest thing of all is that i have no nurse... nobody in this life nearby cares enough to nurse me at a moment like this, so i drag myself about with a heave and sigh, heavy on both, feeling so very all alone in this physical life... somewhere in the back of my mind some doctor is telling me to ice it, to wrap it and ice it to reduce the swelling and then keep it warm and rest and stay off the leg for a few days and do you think i'm listening?... about as much as i listen to the same doctor telling me to stop eating that extra portion of some fattening stuff because the extra pounds are driving the blood pressure up and i really should consider starting to take the medicine again in spite of the cynicism about the modern medical profession... did i mention the doctor in my head is a witch doctor?...

stop laughing, it's the saddest thing of all, after all...

no really, it is very very sad... to be so very all alone at moments like these... and to know that the reckless child inside is gonna say fuckit, just do it, when the moment comes to take the ball and try to pitch... cuz there's nobody to sit and heal with and i'm tired of sitting around waiting for someone to come around to care and share all that cathartic wildness and quiet times too... i'm not going back to the vegetable life just cuz i've only got one leg... i can still hop, dammit!...

someone must be laughing now, though it don't seem funny somehow... yeah, old Harry lyrics... somebody must know what in the hell i am talking about in all my seemingly aimless rambles and apparently random asides... so much is not as random as it may seem, but stop all that lamenting because it's really not good for healing, at all... and healing fast is what i must do before the depression sets in and turns me back into a dying couch swan looking at social security like it's some sort of birthday party... fuck it hurts... look, i'm even using descriptive language to express myself for a change...

actually, i think there might be a certain numbness settling in... though i've thought that several times earlier tonight and it was just faux numbness, the legg was just playing possum, cuz all of a sudden i found one of those certain ways to move and the stars were spinning around like in cartoons after anvils fall on heads... except the stars were burning into the back of my leg, in this case... i still love stars though, it's not their fault they fit so well into this metaphor...

have i mentioned lately how much i adore Melissa Etheridge?... i wish she was my sister, or maybe she'd be a good nurse... i'm enjoying more music, in between gasps of shock that follow the sudden re-awareness of the injury i keep trying to forget... those dang certain ways... there are way too many of them... and i got another hit tonight too... legged out a pop up over the pitcher's head... that's not what did the hammy in... what popped the hammy was the overwork i put both hammies through by having to walk and bend for every return through from the would-be catcher combined with the chilly night combined with fatigue combined with being run down and just plain sick (pneumonia is knocking on one of my lungs, at least) combined with a lack of regular exercise (running, gym, sex, and so on) and most of all, the soft pop up that was almost caught by the pitcher that the player (who just happened to be the catcher who worked me over by not catching or throwing the ball) hit after i got to first that had be start to second, stop short, then bolt to second again after the pitcher did not catch the soft pop... it was just as i started that second bolt that the hammy went pop... weird feeling... sucked to be me...

also sucks that this laptop will not burn CDs as i keep putting music together in my head (and in my ears) that i would like to burn and further, iTunes is a pain in the proprietary ass (much like microsoft) as converting files back from the better sounding apple lossless to mp3 so i can upload them to the web on a playlist or my site takes a reseting of preferences and folders and really way more work than it should so eventually i'm just gonna re-import all the cds as mp3s for convenience and that'll lead me to need another mybook even faster, but s'ok, cuz it'll be better sound and more convenience... when i have the time...

i could really find so much to bitch about tonight if i wanted to... cuz that's what happens when a human pulls a hamstring, much bitching about everything... especially when the new more active life was just getting off the ground and every good sense screams stop right there and take a couple of weeks off in bed, or at least doing next to nothing cuz even driving (with a clutch) will add undo stress to the muscle and further exacerbate the injury... damn witch doctor... shoulda never sent the boy to school, ma...

now, of course (well, it's of course in my brain anyway), i do not want to lay down and sleep because i suspect i might not rise to a standing position too easily tomorrow and i've already taken two days off this week to let the lungs fight off the little buggers and i have an important conference call tomorrow...

more further concurrent suckage is that i don't even have a doctor anymore... after all the money a half dozen doctors made off my insurance companies the past few years, none of them want to see me anymore and they are even sending me bills as if they suddenly, after all these years, started charging more than my insurance company will pay... it's probably Blue Cross trying to deny claims too as they are so apt to do... so i searched for new local doctors and tomorrow i may call a few in the morning... and maybe i'll call the old doctors to ask them what the fuck gives with these bills over and above what insurance pays that they never sent me while i was seeing them every few months... i'm ready to become a crotchety old hermit who doesn't trust doctors, banks, or anything humans do or touch... or maybe that's a stray dog, but anyway, it should not be early as funny as it all seems to me and my shadow...

but then, we're raping children for oil and still laughing about it in high places, so maybe we simply get what we deserve for our apathy and selfishness and fear... remember, the terrorists are coming... not to mention all that other stuff neatly tucked away in so many different corners of the blogmind… so tuck and nibble (or duck and cover, if you have no imagination left… you could always get it wrong and still enjoy it cuz, after all, everything is news and entertainment in our modern pop culture)… i refuse to give in to fear cuz i promised myself this year and i feel like i owe it to someone…

but that's not why i don't cut my hair, you know… well, you oughta know cuz i've mentioned it enough… i'm waiting for someone to play with it and create something from it (or something like that)… which is about as meaningful in the grand scheme of things in this culture as the last bomb dropped on some Cambodian village when we were supposed to be helping the people of Vietnam… wait, did i mean Iran and Iraq?... crafty terrorists, never know where they'll pop up next to give us a self-righteous excuse to plunder and pillage in the name of god as so many fallen empires have done before… might as well be playing bop a mole…

it's not as if these amazing witticisms are shaking up the political, social, or economic landscape, but it's nice of you to notice… and pitiful as the reality of the fact is, i come here tonight instead of sleep because i have a bigger boo boo than i had last night and you are the only people i know in this whole world who care enough to take me even a little seriously… not that i am asking you to kiss my ass or anything (ok, truth now, who walked right into that one?... it wasn't planned, really, but the mind plays tricks on me and sometimes, if you are following along, well… i can only hope you find the laughter where i do…

but it really does hurt like hell (whimper, sincerely)…

scary emotions, these vulnerable moments… especially when the last hundred cds are playing at random on shuffle and the BeeGees start singing Run To Me which too perfectly leads into the past and wonderfully cathartic rainbows shine through the wells of tears that spring from eyes who remember and continue (instead of just remembering and wallowing) like Melissa Etheridge singing ?I Wanna Be In Love and the Carpenters singing Need to Be In Love and I remember the Association singing Cherish and Bread singing If as the deepest wishes of the heart rise to fly again with Be MyBaby (cuz deep down, that's what i think we all want most of all, to unconditionally trust and love so much we are somebody's baby… which is why The Waterboys flew back up to the top of my personal charts once again, albeit perhaps for a short-lived stay as i do not want to be sad, but much as Stevie Nicks' Beautiful Child remains a core song, i feel The Waterboys provided a few more, once again…



thank goodness for music or i'd truly be so very all alone so much more…

maybe i'll chance a little sleep now…

nite nite…