and the world still spins around
just sitting here feeling bloated and stupid and so tired i hardly know i am excited as i am opening CD boxes cuz part of the massive order arrived… the CD order… from BMG music service… i joined and finally started feeding my addiction to collecting music again… the ten thousand vinyl recordings in storage may be warped by now… the few thousand CDs and video tapes might be damaged as well… and i am probably spending a small fortune on CDs that i already have in storage… but impulse and self-indulgence wins another battle of the budget (as if i think about it much)… i think the self-indulgent part probably had something to do with all the money i've been handing others lately and it reminded me of all the money i handed others over the years and I decided it was another one of those rare my time moments… maybe someday all the people who asked to borrow money from me will pay me back and i can retire for good… i could if they did, so as long as what goes around really does come around, i've got a great retirement fund somewhere out there…
yeah, humans are that honest, trustworthy, considerate, and fair… that is sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear… ultimately, humans i've met lie to themselves and therein each other so much they couldn't tell integrity from bullshit if it hit them in the face… but that's life here in this planet and even though i still have hope for humanity cuz i know the potential of an aware heart and mind, i accept people as they are and continue being myself, which means giving most of the time cuz giving and helping others feels good and every now and then, treating myself to stuff i want…
and suddenly, i found this political game (and you know how i love to take quizzes cuz they are so random and dramatically sarcastically irreverently irrelevant) cuz i am also glancing up at emails while opening CD boxes… note that i said opening CD boxes… i haven't gotten to the cases yet… i bought something like almost two hundred CDs… impulse and self-indulgence, remember?… meanwhile, the elections are madness as usual, but then, humans are doing it and, well, you know… the political game said Mike Gravel, Hillary Clinton, and Barach Obama are the ones closest to my views… who is Mike Gravel?... Alaska, oh, that explains it… hello Alaska, how are you?...
i did not eat from Tuesday night to tonight… and i bounced for hours at the Hard Rock on Wednesday night and i played softball and ran hard (two for two with one run scored, pitched five innings but we lost cuz the other team hit the ball well and our fielding was pitiful) on Thursday night, and then tonight i pushed out to the wine tasting with the hope of maybe finding some dinner companions to inspire me to eat a healthy meal but nobody wanted to go so i called Rasputin and he suggested my favorite Italian place and so i did and feel stuffed and stupid because i destroyed the three day fast effects in a half an hour of binging… though i did drink only water and did not get any chocolate or anything and there has been some seriously delicious imported chocolate truffles on my desk all week and i stopped eating those on Tuesday along with everybody else…
so is TLC (which I think is The Life Channel) really anti-semitic and is anti-semitism really such a bad thing and does your answer really depend on your religious beliefs and is TMZ the trashiest show on television or what?... do people actually watch this pandering to the lower most unaware and superficial aspects of humanity (and that is even lowering standards of intelligence and consciousness much further than my statements above about humans)… sheesh, the proof of human ignorance is everywhere, but even the aware ignore it,,, or take advantage of it, which makes those who do even lower on the conscious awareness totem pole than those who feed off stories of Brittany or other celebrities being, oh yeah, human…
there must be an easier way to open CD cases… yes, i have started… i have opened four… i would love a computer software CD player burner that actually catalogued the CDs uploaded to the hard drive like a database would so it could be sorted, filtered, and searched better… and printed, heck, why the heck doesn't someone make decent software to print file lists, especially song lists… maybe there is one out there, but i've tried a lot and haven't found one so far… so i am uploading the CDs as Apple lossless encoder cuz i am told that is the best for transferring CDs, though i wonder how wav files compare… they are certainly a lot bigger than even 320 kbps mp3s… i may need another 500GB drive soon… or eventually… i don't think i am that self-indulgent just yet…
we are up to seven CD cases opened with the sixth of them loading on to the drive now… and there really must be an easier way to get through the plastic and seals… i am suddenly missing vinyl albums much more now… but i continue to be used by the economic powers like most everyone else as i buy duplicate CDs and further spend money on Re-releases and Re-Re-Releases in SACD format that will eventually be Re-Re-Re-Released in an even better digital format… and speaking of better formats, the m4a format that Apple uses will not play in an ordinary mp3 player, so i am wondering if it will play in a normal CD player… i may have to re-burn all these CDs to the hard drive again, or use two different hard drives, when i finally get a CD burner that works, that is…
meanwhile, in many ways i was a very happy camper back in 2000 when i returned to Florida and started rebuilding my CD collection… it took a while to trust material stuff again, especially burned music, because of the Toronto experience when the person i trusted most in the world refused to return my mix tapes that chronicled the history of my psyche and experiences and thoughts and feelings and being in this life… trusting the material world was not an easy recovery, but i did start again… and now, again… cuz the new collection of CDs i started in 2000 was not returned by someone who i trusted to secure them for me… another test of my ability to actualize unconditional trust and another human proving that humans cannot be trusted with unconditional trust… and still i dream of sharing such trust (fool) and now, again, i start collecting stuff… some of the same stuff i purchased at least three times before… so i got tired of waiting for someone to share and am rebuilding my collection, albeit in tiny spurts, all by myself… ah, the lonely songs play loudly and strongly now…
ah, dontcha just love it when i let the brain meander randomly through the memory cells in between the momentary distractions of multitasks of relatively meaningless and ridiculously superficial daily life stuff when vegetation is the dominant activity?... yeah, rhetorical question… oh, the drama… ah, the sarcasm… bless the laughter… and so i started an Access database to keep track on the CDs… so i can spent hours and hours typing in the names and info from each CD in my spare time (which is sleep time) for weeks… the organizer in my head loves the idea… the peanut gallery laugh at the futility…
meanwhile, what a week… like, wow...
I'll try to catch up tomorrow… i think i decided to sleep in for as long as i can… so don't let it get you down, it's only castles, you know… I mean the downbeat memories, don't let those get you down… they are said, yes, and at times excruciatingly painful even today, years later, because the brain remains acutely aware of loss of visceral contact and the missing pieces of the puzzle that created me… and i am not afraid to feel it all, so i repress none of it… i simply slide the memories and therein the feelings in and out of prime consciousness as it suits me so i can focus on the moment, whether the moment is creating completely new experiences to fill memories cells or whether the moment is to dust off and therein physically re-live older memories… it is all part of mental house cleaning and organizing the billions of cells that try to contain this being i know as me…
if you want to linger in the sad or painful paragraphs, that is your choice… i linger for a day or few every now and then when i have the time and rhymes and writings such as those in the lands of the mostly dead come from those deep ventures into the darker memories… it's quite cathartic and i miss it at times like these when i do not have the time for a year or few… but if we look at the bigger picture, there is so much excitement and peace and acceptance and wonderfulness going on inside and around me all the time that those painful memories clean up quickly in the brief paragraphs that express them and i am wiping the tear and bouncing into the present even before the paragraph(s) are done… if you understand this, then perhaps you understand a bit more of me and what i call the methods of my madness which is a cavalier way of describing the uniqueness that is my identity and how i approach, experience, and resolve/retain myself and my experiences throughout this life…
all in all, i am still having too much fun to want it to end… thank you for sharing part of the journey with me through our writings and interactions here and at your blogs... i enjoy the moments we share and miss it when i am away for a few days... take care of you... and i hope you experience life in a way that is satisfying and full and wonderful to you :)
yeah, humans are that honest, trustworthy, considerate, and fair… that is sarcasm, in case it wasn't clear… ultimately, humans i've met lie to themselves and therein each other so much they couldn't tell integrity from bullshit if it hit them in the face… but that's life here in this planet and even though i still have hope for humanity cuz i know the potential of an aware heart and mind, i accept people as they are and continue being myself, which means giving most of the time cuz giving and helping others feels good and every now and then, treating myself to stuff i want…
and suddenly, i found this political game (and you know how i love to take quizzes cuz they are so random and dramatically sarcastically irreverently irrelevant) cuz i am also glancing up at emails while opening CD boxes… note that i said opening CD boxes… i haven't gotten to the cases yet… i bought something like almost two hundred CDs… impulse and self-indulgence, remember?… meanwhile, the elections are madness as usual, but then, humans are doing it and, well, you know… the political game said Mike Gravel, Hillary Clinton, and Barach Obama are the ones closest to my views… who is Mike Gravel?... Alaska, oh, that explains it… hello Alaska, how are you?...
i did not eat from Tuesday night to tonight… and i bounced for hours at the Hard Rock on Wednesday night and i played softball and ran hard (two for two with one run scored, pitched five innings but we lost cuz the other team hit the ball well and our fielding was pitiful) on Thursday night, and then tonight i pushed out to the wine tasting with the hope of maybe finding some dinner companions to inspire me to eat a healthy meal but nobody wanted to go so i called Rasputin and he suggested my favorite Italian place and so i did and feel stuffed and stupid because i destroyed the three day fast effects in a half an hour of binging… though i did drink only water and did not get any chocolate or anything and there has been some seriously delicious imported chocolate truffles on my desk all week and i stopped eating those on Tuesday along with everybody else…
so is TLC (which I think is The Life Channel) really anti-semitic and is anti-semitism really such a bad thing and does your answer really depend on your religious beliefs and is TMZ the trashiest show on television or what?... do people actually watch this pandering to the lower most unaware and superficial aspects of humanity (and that is even lowering standards of intelligence and consciousness much further than my statements above about humans)… sheesh, the proof of human ignorance is everywhere, but even the aware ignore it,,, or take advantage of it, which makes those who do even lower on the conscious awareness totem pole than those who feed off stories of Brittany or other celebrities being, oh yeah, human…
there must be an easier way to open CD cases… yes, i have started… i have opened four… i would love a computer software CD player burner that actually catalogued the CDs uploaded to the hard drive like a database would so it could be sorted, filtered, and searched better… and printed, heck, why the heck doesn't someone make decent software to print file lists, especially song lists… maybe there is one out there, but i've tried a lot and haven't found one so far… so i am uploading the CDs as Apple lossless encoder cuz i am told that is the best for transferring CDs, though i wonder how wav files compare… they are certainly a lot bigger than even 320 kbps mp3s… i may need another 500GB drive soon… or eventually… i don't think i am that self-indulgent just yet…
we are up to seven CD cases opened with the sixth of them loading on to the drive now… and there really must be an easier way to get through the plastic and seals… i am suddenly missing vinyl albums much more now… but i continue to be used by the economic powers like most everyone else as i buy duplicate CDs and further spend money on Re-releases and Re-Re-Releases in SACD format that will eventually be Re-Re-Re-Released in an even better digital format… and speaking of better formats, the m4a format that Apple uses will not play in an ordinary mp3 player, so i am wondering if it will play in a normal CD player… i may have to re-burn all these CDs to the hard drive again, or use two different hard drives, when i finally get a CD burner that works, that is…
meanwhile, in many ways i was a very happy camper back in 2000 when i returned to Florida and started rebuilding my CD collection… it took a while to trust material stuff again, especially burned music, because of the Toronto experience when the person i trusted most in the world refused to return my mix tapes that chronicled the history of my psyche and experiences and thoughts and feelings and being in this life… trusting the material world was not an easy recovery, but i did start again… and now, again… cuz the new collection of CDs i started in 2000 was not returned by someone who i trusted to secure them for me… another test of my ability to actualize unconditional trust and another human proving that humans cannot be trusted with unconditional trust… and still i dream of sharing such trust (fool) and now, again, i start collecting stuff… some of the same stuff i purchased at least three times before… so i got tired of waiting for someone to share and am rebuilding my collection, albeit in tiny spurts, all by myself… ah, the lonely songs play loudly and strongly now…
ah, dontcha just love it when i let the brain meander randomly through the memory cells in between the momentary distractions of multitasks of relatively meaningless and ridiculously superficial daily life stuff when vegetation is the dominant activity?... yeah, rhetorical question… oh, the drama… ah, the sarcasm… bless the laughter… and so i started an Access database to keep track on the CDs… so i can spent hours and hours typing in the names and info from each CD in my spare time (which is sleep time) for weeks… the organizer in my head loves the idea… the peanut gallery laugh at the futility…
meanwhile, what a week… like, wow...
I'll try to catch up tomorrow… i think i decided to sleep in for as long as i can… so don't let it get you down, it's only castles, you know… I mean the downbeat memories, don't let those get you down… they are said, yes, and at times excruciatingly painful even today, years later, because the brain remains acutely aware of loss of visceral contact and the missing pieces of the puzzle that created me… and i am not afraid to feel it all, so i repress none of it… i simply slide the memories and therein the feelings in and out of prime consciousness as it suits me so i can focus on the moment, whether the moment is creating completely new experiences to fill memories cells or whether the moment is to dust off and therein physically re-live older memories… it is all part of mental house cleaning and organizing the billions of cells that try to contain this being i know as me…
if you want to linger in the sad or painful paragraphs, that is your choice… i linger for a day or few every now and then when i have the time and rhymes and writings such as those in the lands of the mostly dead come from those deep ventures into the darker memories… it's quite cathartic and i miss it at times like these when i do not have the time for a year or few… but if we look at the bigger picture, there is so much excitement and peace and acceptance and wonderfulness going on inside and around me all the time that those painful memories clean up quickly in the brief paragraphs that express them and i am wiping the tear and bouncing into the present even before the paragraph(s) are done… if you understand this, then perhaps you understand a bit more of me and what i call the methods of my madness which is a cavalier way of describing the uniqueness that is my identity and how i approach, experience, and resolve/retain myself and my experiences throughout this life…
all in all, i am still having too much fun to want it to end… thank you for sharing part of the journey with me through our writings and interactions here and at your blogs... i enjoy the moments we share and miss it when i am away for a few days... take care of you... and i hope you experience life in a way that is satisfying and full and wonderful to you :)
Labels: amused, appreciation, away, babble, balance, emo, excitement, giggle, heart, hope, loneli, memories, mtmm, peace, psych, retrospect, wow, yay, you, zen
posted by candoor at 11:55 PM
7 Comments:
I have been lingering too, but then watched the hummingbirds at my feeder, and even snapped a few pictures and it seems better when you look at them and let them take you away from the lingering.
I hope your weekend is being beautiful to you :)
Love and hugs and smiles and bouncing and glee to you (and me)
are you a good roommate? oh, wait, i forgot you pay like $300 a month for rent, sharing in 3, i think it is...
i thot you were supposed to be in sandy eggo by now, another lease expiration opportunity going out the window...
oh, yeh, i think too much when it comes to cut and paste, you mean?
you think i go to sesshins and SIT 10 hours a day in order to think?
1 funny guy, u...
ps: i think sesshin comes from chinese? shin is teh heartmind, which has nothing really to do with mind, nor heart, but maybe both? & ses is like you know, an opportunity for beholding it or maybe glimpse IT?
oh this bullshIT has to go as well, like those pesky zeez went...
Since I was like 11 or so, it was my ambition to make a data base and keep track of all the cd's and vhs we have at home, but I always thought it to be impossible in practice. So yay for you actually doing an actual data base of cd's!
Glad to see you updating and just waving a hello at you. :)
realplayer pro can rip your cd's and catalogue them in a neat database (not taking that much space since ripping mean converting wav files into 10 times smaller mp3 format).
it will go online and fetch even the lyrics for the song, i think, but if not, at least the song titles, etc.
so you won't need a new hard drive and the pro version is lik3 $15 bux to register?
anyhoo, i'm sure iTunes can do it even better, but then where's yo mac air bro?
i feel like crap, a head full of snot, but i'm taking two days off and Rasputin actually did some massive cleaning today not done, but major change)... so in spite of the head respiratory clog, i'm a very happy camper... excited to have a couple of sudden days off where once would have been work for others...
The Waterboys latest CD is growing on me, as their CDs usually do... my first reaction was what happened?... referring to Mike Scott's lyrics and their unique sound... but it's slowly showing through the new CD, simply because Mike Scott has a style and voice i love and the rest of The Waterboys compliment him well...
I napped after work in a somewhat less cluttered space and I just might pick up all of Precious's stuff from the living room floor and put it on the couches and vacuum the place in the morning... that'll certainly help the nose...
and now, back to importing CDs to iTunes... I am using the Apple Lossless format cuz somebody told me it;s the best for retaining sound quality in spite of the large size of the files... it seems though that the size of the files might just as well be wav files and the conversion is merely making them playable on Apple equipment only, which means i may have to re-convert them back if i want to burn CDs for playing a copy in regular CD players, but that's for later redundancy...
iTunes provides a great database, actually, just not as manipulatable as an Access database i build myself and i have not found a way to cut, paste, or print the actual data in the database, so i am increasing the redundancy factor of my musical endeavors yet again by typing in the info i want from each CD into an Access database of my own design...
much like i did once upon a time...
the weekend was beautiful in spite of the head, Saturday was rest and Sunday was trying out for a new softball league (in spite of the head) and i'm the pitcher for the new team made up of the players that noboby else wanted on their teams... a few need to learn how to catch, throw, play a position, and pay attention to the game, but otherwise it'll be much fun, hysterically amusing, in fact...
the managers thanked me for pitching as they wouldn't have had one more team in their league without me as nobody else was going to pitch for this team of rejects, but hopefully we'll come together and they'll learn something about the game and pay attention and get better and have some fun... the manager says she is a hardass taskmaster who will focus on fundamentals and work us into shape...
today i went to work after pondering calling in and after checking the schedule, i told them i was taking Tuesday and Wednesday off... i would have left early, but admissions needed help ad it was new employee orientation so i stuck it out and helped out by doing an intake assessment and doing some extra orientation training (besides the stuff i usually do) and started a project for my assistant to continue cuz it's so efficient he ran out of work to do again... Thursday i'll get back to my work... i'm such a hero, huh?...
don't miss the sarcasm to much...
i'm an ambivalent, somewhat apathetic roommate as i ignore the mess my roommates make and let the space become what it is, which is definitely not what i would make of it if i cared to mold it myself... i just tired of cleaning up after them years ago and accept complacency as a fair compromise for the company and drain on my economy and negative effects on my health and family feeling i sometimes get...
hmmmm, stop me before i re-evaluate my sanity once more...
actually, i don't pay rent, i pay all utilities, including phone, caple, internet, and whatnot... it varies from $400 to $600 a month, depending on time of year and incidental expenses... rent itself went up to almost $1300 this month cuz of the waffling about moving that led to us signing a 7 month lease and Raspy covers that... i spend more on food for them than they spend on me, so there's a strange balance that somehow we accept without counting pennies as a family sometimes does... a strange arrangement, perhaps, as Mike Scott might say...
as for thinking too much, i was referring almost entirely to that post that inspired that comment and did not realize that it was not you thinking, but rather James... i think you used to think too much, but as far as i can tell, you've found a way to relieve much of the pressure you used to have in your brain in the last year or so... of course this long distance assessment may be worthless and wrong, but then, i may be right, we may be crazy, or it just may be a lunatic i'm looking at, or for, even... where's the mirror?...
i respect your journey through sesshins much more than i mention it, but then, we must keep the cynic on toes, or something like that, so bravo on the side and laughter in the middle and love all around...
yeah, i've been putting my words and music into databases for a long time, though stopped back in the nineties when i let go of the material world again, sort of... but speaking of that database, sort of, see the once upon a time link above in this comment...
yeah, the first two or three thousand or so songs i put on this 500GB MyBook i bought were ripped as mp3s by itunes... i used to use EasyCD Creator, but iTunes was already installed with a lot of music on this laptop so i just went with it... this last batch of 100+ CDs i am importing to the drive are going in as Apple Lossless, just cuz i have the 500GB luxurt of storage space... i thing i evenhear the different in sound quality, but then, that could just be psychological snobbery...
yeah, mac air... someday, maybe... i do have a G4 desktop with a 21 inch monitor sitting idle a few feet away that i've simply not made time to put plug in and explore... one of these days, when i am through loading all my music to this MyBook and have the extra time... and finally buy a comfortable desk chair... and maybe a desk...
and that's what you inspired with your comments, for which i am very thankful cuz in responding to you, i smiled a lot and cleared a few cobwebs from my head...
hope it was good for you too :)
and hope your world is wonderful tonight :)
& i am still waiting for my own, candycustommade cd or dare i say 8GB doublesided dvd chockfoola mp3z:
mail to:
michael B)
5500 campanile dr
ba104/ms7711
sandy eggo, ca 92182-7711
one frustration i usually ignore is that i have not been able to get the burner to burn on this laptop... it goes through the motion, but will not complete the process (close the session) so the CD is unusable, but will not play...
meanwhile, much sickness in the head here today... mucous, aches, much...
sleep...
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