memories, fantasies, and strings
when i was a littler kid, i kept an index card file… many thousands of index cards had scribbles of ideas, information, creative spurts, all sorts of things… i kept them in long index card file boxes that cataloged the thoughts, feelings, observations, stuff, facts, and fictions of the life i experienced and the dreams i imagined… those boxes went the way of the comics, baseball cards, paperback books, and other treasures of that early childhood, into the unknown void that the people who called themselves my parents sent everything… from my perspective, that is where those people lived as there was so little depth to their emotion or sharing… in any case, this memory resurfaced today when i was watching something on the science channel and someone mentioned an index card file…
i had lots of boxes of stuff when i was a littler kid... all sorts of stuff that meant something to me because they reminded me of people and ideas and meaning in this life... i even kept strong in those boxes, for whatever reasons and for whatever that means... i wish i could share those boxes with someone now... even more, i wish someone remembered me, who i was, where i've been... it is the ultimate start of sharing today... and all the fantasies start with this one... mostly (he typically smirks as an aside)...
today i use a computer for the same purpose, but it would be fascinating to see what was in that original index card file i created in my earlier youth… that is the joy and attachment i have for stuff, for the material world… the memories and knowledge and learning stuff can contain over time… in these moments today, from a very different perspective, yesterday's stuff can teach me so much… i am saddened that those who had control of me and my stuff when i was young had so little depth, awareness, foresight, and sensitivity… all through this life i have searched for humans that have more of any of those qualities, but seldom find anyone who does… perhaps it is my scale, my perspective, that measures the depth humanity and intensity of relationships that skews my view…
but i believe everyone has the potential for so much more depth and intensity and sensitivity and wonder than they reach for or create in their physical experience or even in their imaginations… i wish i did not find humans so limited, so dull in so many ways, but for better or worse this is what i find from my perspective… and i look out at the world, at humanity, at the universe and planters in space and say with much more hope than i can even express, please prove me wrong… and someday i believe some being will show me that life forms have the potential i sense we all have…
perhaps when we ride the energy of string…
but then, we are a bit of a leap away from understanding the mechanisms, powers, and potentials to be found in subatomic spaces where the linear thinking produced mostly by observable properties of space, time, matter, and energy (and human fears of the unknown and need to perceive/believe some sense of control) dissolves into a universal oneness beyond our words (everything is nothing and nothing is everything), so we muddle along thinking we knows stuff and act on those beliefs no matter how foolish, futile, or even dangerous our actions might be when we allow arrogance and greed (and all human fears) to influence us…
just ask any aboriginal tazmanian person about it…
but long before we come to understand or manipulate what we call the string (theory, i say, theory boy… just pay attention to ol' foghorn leghorn for a moment), we will play with biogenetic manipulations (in life and death) and even as hope for improvements, advances, healings, and positive changes in human life blossom from such scientific knowledge, we may all but wipe out life as we know it with bio-genetic viral weapons in our fear-driven greed and passion to control…
winning is everything, after all, or so most humans believe…
ah, it is ironic i find myself babbling on about this and that like this and that, being that this is supposed to be the RealTime™ (real life) record of life as i experience it… but then, i experience life in many different ways and just because i do not share what is going on in my head nearly as much as i used to does not mean it is not going on… living a superficial life becomes a habit, thinking superficially as well, and it leaves much room for pessimism and despair… no wonder most people are depressed, at least from my perspective… and here i am trying to be human, trying to be like most people…
what kind of fool am i, aye?...
amused by my own foolishness, for one thing… ah, the things i get myself into just to keep boredom at bay or to fill the time between falling in love… you know that is what i am still here for, living this life, i mean… to fall in love again… i've pretty much come and gone on all the other reason to live… oh yeah, i still enjoy the daily helping, and even as i become frustrated at times when my generosity drains me or interferes with things i want to do, the giving, but life is still primarily about the love and first and foremost the intimate fall, the unconditional trusting and sharing that comes with that fall in love…
all this other stuff is just window dressing and amusements to occupy my mind and feed my heart along the way… if you ever felt you know anything about me, this is the most real knowledge about who i am… maybe you understand, maybe you don't… maybe you see optimism or pessimism or hope or futility in my ramblings here and so many other places on the web… maybe you care more or less or not at all (i do believe some of you care, don't go thinking i don't, and i hope you are sure that i appreciate your caring and care about you too)… what you see through your eyes, what the words i put out here mean in your mind, what you feel in your heart is up to you… i hope there is some connection with what i mean… that feels good…
it was all on those index cards once, in a simpler way, in a few words… and strings...
i wonder if anyway remembers…
i had lots of boxes of stuff when i was a littler kid... all sorts of stuff that meant something to me because they reminded me of people and ideas and meaning in this life... i even kept strong in those boxes, for whatever reasons and for whatever that means... i wish i could share those boxes with someone now... even more, i wish someone remembered me, who i was, where i've been... it is the ultimate start of sharing today... and all the fantasies start with this one... mostly (he typically smirks as an aside)...
today i use a computer for the same purpose, but it would be fascinating to see what was in that original index card file i created in my earlier youth… that is the joy and attachment i have for stuff, for the material world… the memories and knowledge and learning stuff can contain over time… in these moments today, from a very different perspective, yesterday's stuff can teach me so much… i am saddened that those who had control of me and my stuff when i was young had so little depth, awareness, foresight, and sensitivity… all through this life i have searched for humans that have more of any of those qualities, but seldom find anyone who does… perhaps it is my scale, my perspective, that measures the depth humanity and intensity of relationships that skews my view…
but i believe everyone has the potential for so much more depth and intensity and sensitivity and wonder than they reach for or create in their physical experience or even in their imaginations… i wish i did not find humans so limited, so dull in so many ways, but for better or worse this is what i find from my perspective… and i look out at the world, at humanity, at the universe and planters in space and say with much more hope than i can even express, please prove me wrong… and someday i believe some being will show me that life forms have the potential i sense we all have…
perhaps when we ride the energy of string…
but then, we are a bit of a leap away from understanding the mechanisms, powers, and potentials to be found in subatomic spaces where the linear thinking produced mostly by observable properties of space, time, matter, and energy (and human fears of the unknown and need to perceive/believe some sense of control) dissolves into a universal oneness beyond our words (everything is nothing and nothing is everything), so we muddle along thinking we knows stuff and act on those beliefs no matter how foolish, futile, or even dangerous our actions might be when we allow arrogance and greed (and all human fears) to influence us…
just ask any aboriginal tazmanian person about it…
but long before we come to understand or manipulate what we call the string (theory, i say, theory boy… just pay attention to ol' foghorn leghorn for a moment), we will play with biogenetic manipulations (in life and death) and even as hope for improvements, advances, healings, and positive changes in human life blossom from such scientific knowledge, we may all but wipe out life as we know it with bio-genetic viral weapons in our fear-driven greed and passion to control…
winning is everything, after all, or so most humans believe…
ah, it is ironic i find myself babbling on about this and that like this and that, being that this is supposed to be the RealTime™ (real life) record of life as i experience it… but then, i experience life in many different ways and just because i do not share what is going on in my head nearly as much as i used to does not mean it is not going on… living a superficial life becomes a habit, thinking superficially as well, and it leaves much room for pessimism and despair… no wonder most people are depressed, at least from my perspective… and here i am trying to be human, trying to be like most people…
what kind of fool am i, aye?...
amused by my own foolishness, for one thing… ah, the things i get myself into just to keep boredom at bay or to fill the time between falling in love… you know that is what i am still here for, living this life, i mean… to fall in love again… i've pretty much come and gone on all the other reason to live… oh yeah, i still enjoy the daily helping, and even as i become frustrated at times when my generosity drains me or interferes with things i want to do, the giving, but life is still primarily about the love and first and foremost the intimate fall, the unconditional trusting and sharing that comes with that fall in love…
all this other stuff is just window dressing and amusements to occupy my mind and feed my heart along the way… if you ever felt you know anything about me, this is the most real knowledge about who i am… maybe you understand, maybe you don't… maybe you see optimism or pessimism or hope or futility in my ramblings here and so many other places on the web… maybe you care more or less or not at all (i do believe some of you care, don't go thinking i don't, and i hope you are sure that i appreciate your caring and care about you too)… what you see through your eyes, what the words i put out here mean in your mind, what you feel in your heart is up to you… i hope there is some connection with what i mean… that feels good…
it was all on those index cards once, in a simpler way, in a few words… and strings...
i wonder if anyway remembers…
Labels: amused, babble, memories, perspective, remembering, words
posted by candoor at 1:57 AM
24 Comments:
but couldn't you register for http://www.snwusa.com/ just for fun (they accept pretty much anyone who claims they have "storage challenges") - then maybe i'll show you enough about the industry to become interesting in writing "tech manuals?-)" then i can hire you (with relocation benefits to cover the green chair, but of course and PLUS $1 to your hourly wage in worthless stock options), so you can dream about striking it reach AND having a girlfriend v just not having a girlfriend.
it's a win-win if i've ever seen 1.
interested, yes, interested, i know you're already more interesting than you could possibly want to be and need, anyway...
just because eric d can't put a comment together doesn't mean that in the field of duty she's not an ER doc!
oh, yes, i mean he, of course.
how come you're not her buddy on facebuk?
here i go again, transgendering left and right.
candydude, i may call you soon here to hash out a few plans, but i must take my dad to Epcot and KSC, so if you know of best deals to get that done, please let me know or book for me, my credit rating is high enough for you not to have to write blogs about not getting paid like you do with your roomies...
hmmm, a bit late to take a week off from work - too much is piled up on my desk as it is what with taking last week off for the corporate trip... i can take some time - when we talk we can figure out how much and when...
unfortunately, I don't know any cheap way to get into Disney for just a day... Epcot used to have an after 4pm ticket, i'll check to see if it's still around...
i'd probably like the techie stuff if i had the time... i'll look at the website :)
i had two rickets that expired 3/21 that i didn't have time to use cuz of the Nashville trip... you can always try to see if guest services at dDisney will give you a discount... claim to be a ripped-off tourist or something... i don't think they could track the tickets back to me :)
i haven't been on facebook in a long time... one of those sign up and forget about until someday things, like blogspot and myspace was and many other sites still are... time time time, the most precious commodity of all...
it takes a long time and a lot of repeated giving in one direction for me to write about it, you're safe :)
are you picking up a rental car at the airport or do you need a pickup?
i have a car (airport pickup), so i can take you around, just show up at the rosen and point which way or give me some directions and i'll play taxi for you.
I always had a box with a bunch of weird stuff too.. notes I used to pass with someone in class, postcards, a box of matches from somewhere, pencils, chewed gum, um no... not that. But all these little useless thingies seem so important. Do you still have those index cards? That could make a great book actually.. like a thought a page with some photo. hmm hmm? :)
And yea, what people did to this planet.. I always think of what this planet used to be before our intervention, when not a single thing was touched by a human, and everything functioned together, interconnected. And then come us, stomp stomp stomp! bahah, is broken now! :P
Sad really.
I also think everyone has the potential for the depth.. just some don't find the time or reason to go there, and most hide it because what's in our head seems like must stay in our head only.. but then everything is in our head actually.
if everything's in your head, how come something's breathing when you're out into lala/sleep land?
& if you want to say everything's in the brainstem, bzzzzzzzzt! wrrrrrrrrrong again.
back to teh drawing b0ard, please.
no, the index cards (and comics and books and writings and other collectibles) were thrown out by the people who adopted while i was away in the army... i got home, everything that was once mine was gone...
i learned that nothing is truly mine, that possession is an illusion, and the existential part of my personality grew and grew and grew... i think it was a good lesson, even though it's still a sigh...
z - let me know your schedule for the week and i'll work some time off into mine and come down whenever you've got free time...
breathing into each other's heads can be a breath-taking experience :)
and where the heck has joanne been?
except monday 9-4 and tuesday 12-4, i'm open to your games.
i land your b'day at 4:25pm, let's take you out for dinner to celebrate. then tue dinner is your dorky trivia club.
wed ksc?
i leave thu 4.10 noon.
also, cosmic j0ke says: if you want to make God laff, go ahead and make a plan!
so why don't we play it by ear after i'm driving on orlando freeways...
there was a time when my only plan was to spend as much time with the one i loved and enjoy each moment come what may...
i seem to attempt to plan my schedule a bit more when i am not in a relationship, even as i laugh at my inattentiveness to any sort of schedule...
add work to the equation (my 90's vacation is a distant memory these days) and it's so weird...
i've got a softball game the sunday afternoon you get in... that should be over by 3:30 and i can take a change of clothes and head down to your hotel afterward... i won't be springtime fresh, but then, it's my birthday... at least i won't show up in my birthday suit...
you are here until thursday?... day?... evening?...
so i will work monday and tuesday (the second week of each month is my busiest and the quarterly reports triple the workload, so i've got to get in there and do something... they are paranoid about giving out remote access, idjits, i could be so much more productive...
wednesday and thursday will be your epcot and kennedy days?... or maybe tuesday afternoon?... depends on how many hours you want to spend at each...
epcot is a great place to eat dinner but you must make reservations in advance and i am not sure you can on the phone - might have to do that from the parks... without reservations the eating is expensive fast food or luck of the draw at the restaurants...
the lines for the stuff there are usually long, but you can walk around for hours just observing the outsides of buildings and the endless shopping opportunities...
you've been to kennedy so you know what's out there...
i will do my best to get some sleep that week so i can bounce around more than i have been the past couple of weeks :)
fun fun fun, t-bird or not :)
I still have a lot of that stuff from childhood, packed away at my parent's home, and it is an experience to go through it all, to hold it in your hands, to read your own words, to see your own art, to look at your handwriting, knowing it was you when you were littler, and feeling yourself through a time warp, remembering how you felt about things, where your sensitive spots were, and still are, remembering certain people who were part of that time, teachers, friends long gone, and how you filled your days with curiosity and interest.
People do have the capacity for depth and caring and sharing and reaching for those deeper spots, but for most people I suppose it is easier to just live the surface, to live depth is to also live a lot of turmoil, pain, walking through parts that aren't so happy happy. Swallowing the pill at the surface allows them to live some sort of simplicity that doesn't require that much for them. But it's all okay, people are where they are. I can only be where I am too, and I'm sure there are many people who know me who wish I was different too. When you are standing on a hill and you think your vision is so very much farther than the guy standing on the ground, you tend to forget that the guy standing on the mountain behind you has an even better vantage point than you do.
p.s. I vote for renting a mini-Cooper convertible, just cuz I think it would be fun to ride around in a car that looks like a high-top sneaker :)
z - I'm gonna try calling today... I just remembered - tickets to Rent for Wednesday April 9th... they were $53 each and it's in Lakeland, FL at 7:30pm - we'd have to allow at least 75 minutes hour drive time from your hotel and maybe a bit more cuz it is rush hour... originally i was gonna get the Lakeland early and find some place to eat there before the show...
I'll understand if you skip this - or if you skip the Trivia - since you want to do Epcot and Kennedy and you only have Wed and Thur free...
I need to make decisions about the Rent tickets cuz I have six and don't want to eat any and have six maybes besides me... one of the maybes knows it is only if i have an extra...
anyway, i should just call already and stop pondering :)
j - does that mean that i can see it all cuz i am floating above? :)
on a serious note, i suppose my detachment from being human and from the human race was fueled by the early experiences - the lack of biological family,the insensitivity and apartness of the adopted families, the disrespect for me, my hopes, dreams, interests, and stuff... and that probably played a role in my choices as a bigger child (you probably know by now that i refuse to be an adult unless it is a life-threatening or potentially harmful situation if i am not one), choosing to bond with people who were so human, they were not ready to bond another, no less with me, an alien in human clothing...
of course the could be all ego and defense mechanism talking, but i welcome anyone to prove right and wrong anytime :)
the detachment helps me in many ways in life... unless i creatively nurture the feelings, using my imagination even more than experience, i do not feel the neediness most people express... i do not feel the desperation or insecurity or attachment to others or things most people describe... i do not feel out of control of my thoughts and emotions and actions as, from listening to and reading others, most believe to be the human condition...
on the other hand, i have proven to myself that i can create the desperate hunger, desire, want for love and for another person when i want to, but it always starts with a conscious decision... even the first, amy, which was my most unconscious fall of all, started as my choice as i was happily in love with someone else at the time and everything in my life revolved around the curent relationship that i left behind to be with amy...
in so many ways, i may be the ultimate underachiever... i know so much more than i do or use in my moment to moment existence in this life... i have probably forgotten much more than i know, but the, what is forgetting if not a choice to put thoughts on a back shelf and pay them no mind...
was this going somewhere? :)
alas, pausing several times while preparing pizza has diluted whatever depth or focus i may have reached in these thoughts, but then, that was a choice to, aye?...
it is good to see you here again... i miss you when you are away... i hope life is smiling more than frowning in you and in your world... i will someday call and surprise you :)
i think i shall rest tonight and maybe watch some NCAA basketball or something light and fun :)
well technically i only have wed, the way i booked those 2 hands-on labs, mon & tue afternoons, methinks i'll zap teh tue, then i'll have tue & wed, sounds about right? decisions, decisions, once more i bet everything changes the minute i wake up fresh & early at teh rosen on monday morning. should be fun. either that or travel misery and airport delay:z!
Hej :-D
dumb blogger google stupidhead... making it harder to log in all the time and now gettingspam from brazil in my other blogs...
tired puppy... moody blues wonderful :)
Hej Ja, Lys-BlySS
hey everybody,.... laptop issues, something blew out, maybe the USB hub , i hope (it's only that)...
time for a new laptop?
old song, aye?...
miss you...
just getting home, night after night i drag in late after wild debauchery and radical allegories and ridiculous metaphors and ignanimous spelling errors and casual sex, or at least a mild social bubble thanks to meetup, too tired to sit the computer because sleep is getting more and more mandatory as years go by...
without six hours, i am a little tired by midnight the next night it seems...
must be dying or something...
having too much fun, or distraction, to notice...
carry on :)
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need new post, too much scrolling to comment...
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