life at rest

today was a day of rest… after hardly sleeping the past week, travelling to Nashville for business, to Melbourne and Lake Buena Vista for concerts, getting weeks of laundry done, reacting to what i do not like about home-life and facilitating a bit of drama (i actually yelled in anger for the first time in many months, maybe longer, which is an odd experience for me as frustration seldom bubbles into anger in my psyche cuz i seem to instinctively actualize the serenity prayer thing and usually enjoy even the most challenging situations), and fitting in softball and some movies and meetups, today i did almost nothing…

yay for almost nothing …

so i spent the day and evening and now night at home… for as much as i call this physical space of this current living environment home, which is relative… and if you read the previous entry and want the soap opera content to continue, i'll follow up on the interpersonal relationships in this space… maybe it'll help bring more balance, compatibility, peace, and happiness to someone somewhere… maybe even here… there is always hope, after all…

as if there was no friction, no hanging up, no storming out with hateful words, no overstepping of bounds or confrontation of the inconsiderate and disrespectful mess in the physical space, we started talking today about whatever, sports, work, music, life away from the physical space… i don't recall much eye contact… a moment, perhaps… the harsh words were avoided… i said something about the NCAA tournament that was on TV and the conversation began… it seemed welcome… i wonder sometimes if either Raspy or Precious read this blog…

when i got back from the concert last night i found that Raspy actually washed his dishes after cooking last night… usually they would sit on the stove, counter, and/or sink for days or longer… the stovetop was left as splattered as always and the almost invisible layer of grease that covers every surface in the kitchen was ignored, but a definitely change happened… i wonder how much of that was in reaction to my pointing out the mess to Precious or writing about it here and how much was coincidence as i made no direct mention of it to Raspy that i can recall in the past few days… there is no proof of the non-verbal telepathic of physical energy, but it may exist as much as anything else…

sometime during the evening Raspy mentioned he was going to the store to get more diet pepsi and i asked him to get me some soda… i wonder how much this occasional indulgence for me was my way of reaching out and relating to his cola-caffeine and sweet taste addiction and how much was my own self-indulgence out of frustration, self-pity, or fukitol (the latter being my most dominant reaction to this world in recent years, but that is another entry, essay, or probably volumous philosophical epic life story chapter for another time)… in any case, i was semi-conscious when he asked if i wanted Code Red, my usual indulgence when i drink sugar-caffeine drinks (though that has been changing a bit of late too) and i recall saying no and thinking maybe Dr. Pepper or something sweet… my last thought before drifting off was surprise me… i love it when someone surprises me with something i want because i let myself believe they know me and care…

when i woke i had not exactly realized that i nodded off and i asked Raspy how long i was sleeping and he said an hour or couple of hours… he was sitting in the same place in front of the TV and i asked if he went out and he did and told me i fell asleep right after saying no to Code Red and never told him what i wanted, so he guessed and got me Dr. Pepper… he figured he couldn't go wrong cuz Precious drinks it too… irony, telepathy, caring, coincidence, who knows… he also got me some dove unconditional chocolate ice cream, which is one of my favorites… i will choose believe that it suggests that he does pay attention… and cares in his way…

Raspy mentioned that Precious was talking about moving out at the end of the lease, though apparent she expects him to pay her way… i don't know when that conversation started and whether it was accelerated by the confrontation with me about her inconsiderate living choices here, but my first thought was who would ever tolerate her mess and isn't it just like her to expect Raspy to pay for everything… she is working now, after all… and she about maxed out her credit card… but she just doesn't spend anything on either Raspy or me and is dragging her feet about paying back the money she borrowed from me to buy her car… i don't want to keep encouraging her spoiledness, so i am resisting my impulse to call the $600 a gift… i wonder how much she resents me for that…

when Precious returned after spending two nights at her friends, she sat on the arm of the couch that Raspy was sitting on (her stuff was on the seat and floor in front of the couch so she'd have had to clean up to sit next to him)… we all watched a bit of TV, i forget what... they both showered and were preparing to go out to eat and i was not hungry at all so i should not have gone, but Raspy hung out a few moments after Precious went downstairs and i asked where they were going and somehow we all ended up at Macaroni Grill (half my meal sits in the fridge, so i exercised a bit of limit)… so i suppose it is back to the status quo around here, though it would be nice if the slight change in clean up in the kitchen continued… and expanded…

at the moment i should be sleeping as i start a new week and must be up for work in less than six hours, but i am waiting for Raspy to give me back my phone (his work phone does not have long distance and he needed to make a call… he usually uses the phone i got for Precious, but she ignored his calls tonight and hasn't come home yet so he asked to use mine… my phone is my alarm clock and notepad and scheduler, so i need to set it for a new week before i fall asleep… so tomorrow starts a new week and i am starting it on less sleep than i should… this habit is taking years off this life, along with the other habits, eating, lack of exercise, desensitizing to the environment, not creating a home for myself, not singing, not loving, not being me more, la la la… isn't this were we came in?...

hopefully he remembers to give it back to me so i don't have to wake him… i really should be asleep right now (it's after 2am in RealTime™)… so maybe i'll write another entry using the rest of my brain, the parts that don't sleep, the parts that keep me balanced even as the world around me crumbles or destroys itself or wastes away or plays empty songs of discord and careless inconsideration… i wonder where the amusement park of my mind might take me (us… you are still out there, right?)…

at least i had one day of rest… that's a big smile :)