alas, alack, and giggles

ah, the babbler alases tonight... and giggles a lot too, but we'll get to the alasing first cuz it is, after all, alasing that inspires giggles quite often... and some downroight laughing too, but first, the alasing... alas, sometimes the best laid plans (or great ideas) do not seem to be so gret once they are put into action... so... i impulsively bought six tickets to rent the film of the broadway production at the local theatre for $20 a pop (plus whatever) for this wednesday at 7pm figuring i know at least a half dozen people who'd love to see it and i sent out these excited emails and notes and textes and such about it and so far today, one by one, each person is not able to go... there are still plenty more people to ask, though more as a meetup thing, rather than calling friends, but sheesh, how no fun and waste of money i should not be wasting...

they all have great reasons, jackson is working, prince is broke (as are a few others), several are out of town, a few just got back from a cruise (broke), etc... one (who i took to jesus christ superstar a month or two ago) actually did not like the film, which surprised me cuz she's an artist, but i suppose i guess i do not know some of these people calling me friend very well... a few have not responded yet... and returning to me, none are friends by my definition, but in the human view, they are definitely friends... our numbers are in each other's phones and we go places and do things and have fun (outside of meetup)... is it time to finally accept this futile attempt to become human was really just a distraction and something to do while i was wallowing or waiting or just distracting myself from the laziness and loneliness that is at the root of the whole concept?...

oh dear, talk about telling...

i shant get depressed (how can i when i an laughing so hard) cuz i am proving the obvious fact that i have no one in life who will drop everything and rush over just to do something with me, except maybe precious, but then, i'm usually paying in that case and she sees me as her dad and hero sometimes... and actually, jackson so wants to go and is totally is bummed that she is working that night and will try to get out of it, but probably cannot as it is a therapy group she runs and those cannot be canceled in a local program...

and for those of you missing out on the real, here is how this day played out over there just a few moments ago:

just cuz we just can't get enough of this wonderful life i share in words here (yeah, there's the alas, but anyway), i bubble over with excitement in my lonely, but almost always fun vacuum cuz even though we threw away game one of our double header and even though i pitched only fair and even though i seem to have blown a lot of money on tickets hoping people would go with me and everybody so far has good reasons not to (except precious), i find myself bubbling over with fun at the moment...

and this is the real (and it feels so good to be me, even if it's just a moment before i forget and get back to trying to be human and all that whining it entails :)

please pardon my giggles if any humans out there are offended...

i turned down dinner at rasputin's and turned down dinner with the team after the game cuz i wanted to get home to shower and rest and start a new week off with a reasonably healthy sunday evening and sleep (and of course, checking in on my online world of words, which is empty, but still bubbling over with fun for me) and except for feeling lonely and missing a partner companion wild sex partner lover and best friend who knows me as well as anybody ever has (and oh yes, the one (repeat alas), life is just too much fun to not enjoy it, even all by myself (almost alas, more giggles)...

oh yeah, and the belly remains an intruder in my space, but still i am bouncing around (popped up at least a dozen time during this brief writing) even after being exhausted for an hour or so after playing a hundred fifty minutes of softball under a blazing blistering sun (scorcher, most seriously) but rebounding nicely after a cool down and bit of rest watching others play their games....

and that's sunday so far (just wanted to record this wonderful mood for posterity and me so when i feel down and lonely and stupid i can remember that even on days when things do not go well and nobody is around and everybody says no to my great ideas (except precious, yay precious... now i see another reason why people have kids), the brain can still throw a party of one without reason or rhyme (though rhymes may come later)...

hope your life is a party too :)

and i include that here out of laziness cuz i mean every word and hope you find your way to your own private party in your very own head (if you haven't already) and may it stay in consciousness all the time, or at least often enough to keep and genuinely happy balance (the kind of balance and yay happiness that produces emo rhymes like this that playfully amuse me and may shock or amaze or even worry or anger others in my gardens... i mean commitments and promises and real emotions do scare most humans, after all, even if they profess to consider them holy and keep trying to get the bonding part right, but i may be disgressing too far for this particular happy wish for you so out dang parentheses) in you and your life...

everything takes forever plays again... and i am not actually listening intently to each word and the line i must go just popped up at the end of one song and this cd is perhaps a roller coaster of emotions after all (which may be the draw to my subconscious)... there's always the rare and haunting cds that remind me of relationships and they so often come around at poignant moments in this life and this may yet be one as the music is definitely seducing me in a somewhat obscure, subliminal, dream-like level... the fact that i cannot clearly hear the words though, that is disenchanting...

so anyway, ego thinks the past week has brought out some of my best babbling in some time, but then, ego thinks that a lot (alas?... lam... hmmmm, sometimes i may not be laughing at myself as much as i am laughing at the words when i type lam... perhaps a long long time ago, to be more accurate and all, i ought to have started using law for laughing at words along with lam for laughing at myself and lol for laughing, period... in case you didn't know what lam meant, now you do)... law?... seems rather harsh, cuz of what the word means... more amusement, but perhaps latw would differentiate it from the word law better... of course we might suggst that the law be laughing at words, that is, that laughing at words is the law, but then, some words maybe oughta be taking seriously and not laughed at... much...

i do so love to babble, sigh (dreamy eyed and all)...

enjoy your party :)