insecure idiots

that covers just about everybody at one time or another... as I just observed for the gazumpteenth time, I forgot (for the gazumpteenth time) that forgetting sends me on an emotional roller coaster as forgetting allows confidence to wane and doubt to grow and insecurity to gain power... so I go to the gym tonight and remember, 10 miles on the eliptical thing at just under 8 minutes per mile and all the concerns vented yesterday are gone again (mostly, I mean, perfect and immortal I am not, esecially since the whole point of this blog is to learn to be human and come to think of it, this roller coaster of forgetting and remembering means I'm probably succeeding at that rather insane goal)...

so tonight I am a bit fatigued, physically, since I've been mostly awake for more than 24 hours, ate nothing but salad with some fat free turkey on it today, and just kicked out a decent workout at the gym... but ethereally I am bouncing, mostly, with a little kick in the head for all the forgetting... maybe I don't really want to be human after all...

RealTime™, aye?...

ok, I'll stop laughing now and catch up a bit... not much to say, or is there... home was a brief nap, a salad, the NBA Finals, the gym, a shower, and then here... not much to say there... work was mostly helping others do their job... the training I was supposed to go to lasted all of 20 minutes and the rest of the time I helped others... tomorrow I hope to get back to my work... but the big news is they fired the admissions coordinator, one of the good guys in the place, under mysterious circumstances (though they claim he lied and violated policy) and suspiciously, had already have a new one set to start Monday who was interviwed today... just when I thought the politics and power trips might be over, or at least subsiding, it looks like it might be a new wave...

meanwhile, I am being drawn in to do more, given more access to systems and responsibilities, which is good for me because the information I can access lets me do my job faster, but we'll see how much more work they try to send my way over the next few weeks or months... at least the changes keep work interesting...

the visit to the Nephrologist was with mixed results... the Ultrasound was not ready, so he didn't get to see it... he ordered an MRI, which will be done next week and then I go back to him in July... in spite of him being a DO (as opposed to an MD), he's opposed to herbal suppliments on the grounds that their purity can not be guaranteed and can do more damage than good, especially to the kidney and liver, the organs that are supposed to clean out impurities... makes sense, but I was hoping the Milk Thistle and other herbs were helping... could be they are what is causing the kidney labs to be a bit high... don't know if they contribute to cysts, and so far, he has no proof of cysts... so we wait for July...

on the positive side, he confirmed that the renal failure diagnosis, based mostly on the high uric acid, could very well be due to my vigorous exercising and change of diet... and also, finally, a doctor points the Diovan HTC... he insisted that HTC is totally wrong for anyone with abnormal kidney labs and so I am on a new med... a new med that costs $8 for three months, instead of $90... and he things the new med is better than Diovan cuz it is a purer generic version of the same chemical... of course trusting him based oin saving me money is not wise, but I've been suspecting the medication all along and it's good to find the kidney specialist pointed right to it and changed it...

and that's the report of life as I knew it for today... I almost picked up a sub for lunch since I was running around and missed lunch at work, but I passed and stopped for salad fixing for dinner and that's a good sign that I might step back on the stricter weight loss diet for June... since I am the exact same weight I was on May first, in spite of all the fluxuations, it is time to continue this process of getting this body back down to a healthy weight... and then I might stop all this boring stuff and start focusing on a more interactive life (if only I stop forgetting that I don't have to be an insecure idiot, even if it does mean I don't quite fit in with all the other humans farting on their couches zoning in front of the TV... yeah, Raspy just woke up... I'll be with the few laughing all the time)...

and now, to myspace briefly and then, sleep... hope your day and night are smiling for you :)

life, love, and marking time

I didn't plan ahead and take the day off, so I won't be experiencing the depths that a first of May can bring me to as much this year as I have in years past... in fact, it's been more than a few years since I truly dug into the wonder-filled wonderful feelings this date inspires in me... while there's a definite bittersweet aspect, summed up well in the BeeGees song First of May - there is mostly the beautifully euphoric feeling of rebirth and anything is possible and love is forever that inspires the one of the most peacefully content moments and moods I know (and maybe that slipped out and into my comments elsewhere tonight...

not sleeping tonight would not be wise :)

(he types with a glint in his eye)...

meanwhile, back at the unpredictable drive that is beyond improbable, but perhaps not quite as impossible as it may seem sometimes, otherwise known as my mind, quite loosely speaking, of course, I was not actually attempting to see just how many commas I could place into a sentence, really, but was thinking about something else when I was suddenly interrupted by myself with an outreageous idea that sleep is an illusionary need, which leads to the philosophical pondering that life itself might be an illusionary event that we observe from within, or something like that...

so I cut up some onions and mushrooms and fried up a large chunck of cow, ribeye, bone-in, to be precise... impulse will be the death of me, to coin a phrase, but now I have way too many callories bubbling around my system to lay down and sleep so here we are again, several hours later, and even though I already ate more calories than I intended to eat today, I can already feeling the muscle cells feeding off the protein (and cholesterol sludging through my veins) and except for the occasional chest pain, I feel wonderful...

just kidding about the chest pain, I think... of course it's not as funny if I don't leave you wondering, so forget I thought... unless you don't have a sense of humor that finds irreverent morbidity and uncertainty funny, in which case you can rest easy and accept that the thought... senses of humor are funny things, after all, sometimes fragile, even, but definitely too often misunderstood... that's probably why there are all these wars thrughout history, people just don't get each others jokes... like it was probably not the best of ideas to tell the Hitler joke in the temple, but that's another story...

a girl just fell out of a box on TV...now some might think that hysterical (and on several levels, as well), but others would not... I find it all amusing, mostly, except when it really hurts someone else and they don't get how even pain can be amusing... most people don't, I suppose, but that doesn't make it any less funny to someone who does... well, maybe a little less funny when we think about how sad it is that most people don't get the joke... it's funny how funny can be sad sometimes, aye?...

feed me a heavy meal at 3am and this is what happens... I take nearly nothing seriously... then again, I actually take nearly very seriously, but hardly ever is anybody nearly these days... and those were very sad times, back when those BeeGees songs became part of Tape 62 as I tried to find the words through music to express the loss I felt when Amy walked away... but then, that's the other holiday, the dark side... today is the good holiday, the beginning of everything, the first kiss...

not the first first kiss, though, but the first kiss that was the last kiss I ever wanted to kiss... the single most satisfying kiss that ever was kissed, way better than even the kiss at the end of The Princess Bride which, as we all know, far surpaces the five greatest kisses that were ever kissed... the writer did not know about it, which made for a much better story...

yes, it is time to wander elsewhere and babble a bit... eventually, most babble will find it's way out from behind the candoor, but for now, I'll just throw words into the big pot that is the babble files and let them stew around a bit... and myspace, it's time to visit myspace again... just cuz it's the middle of the night and I'm wired and might leave some really odd messages for strangers...

so anyway, I did get to work today... a little... most of the day was spent trying to fix the computer that the IT person did not fix, even though she left herself logged in from Thursday... in fact, more was screwed up... but now everything is mostly ok except that I need to run Detect and Repair on MS Office and my Outlook Address book is gone... I would have run D & R today, but the IT person was off again and after the Comptroller and I searched her office for the MS Office Disks, we found no sign of Disk one, just an empty case... that's what they get for hiring an IT person at a ridiculously low salary that only a student who was allowed to work part time would take... and this during a period where we are changing coprorate servers and setting up more than a dozen new computer systems... so I was on the phone with the Systems Admin III in Tennessee for a couple of hours today and things are mostly fixed (and I have Admin priviledges on my computer, for now)... tomorrow, I hope to actually get some of my work done... like last months end of month reports...

I also got to the Urologist today and I was impressed by his doctoring... he made eye contact consistently and explained in detail everything he thought about my history and lab tests and took me seriously and best of all, was one of the most upbeat doctors I've ever met... he gave me an emergency script for Bactrim in case I get another UTI and collection cups and insisted I call and drop off some urine anytime I think I might be passing a stone or getting sick... and he added kidney-related stuff to the ultra sound order and will zap any stones they find with a sonic zapper... I felt like he actually listened and heard and cared and knew what he was doing... yay for a lucky pick of doctors...

meanwhile, my primary doctor had her receptionist or nurse call to tell me that the stuff in the big orange bottle (see previous entries) was tested and she wants me to see a kidney doctor... I'm not letting her pick this one though... I think she's got a scam going with other doctors who have similar pessimistic perspectives... well, ok, not a scam... a covent...

just kidding again, in case you wondered... about the covent, that is... I did get to see the lab results from the GI doctor, finally, no thanks to him or his office people... the Urology nirse made me a copy after my primary doctor sent one... and nothing at all was out of range in any of the special liver tests he ordered... the fuss about my kidneys was started because there was red blood cells in my urine... of course there was, first off, most kidney stone people have a few red blood cells in their urine quite often and I told the GI guy I felt a blockage and thought I was passing a stone that very day and that's why I insisted her order the urinalysis (which he resisted ordering, if you recall)... the Urology doc kind of went "well, DUH!" and we laughed...

and then, I napped when I got home... I gave into sleep instead of watching the Monday night shows I like, Enterprise and 24... that was after breaking my pattern of strict diet on weekdays by pulling some of the leftover Itlalian food out of the freezer... yes, I did... and I almost didn't get to the gym... luckily, I dragged myself there and obviously, after pushing through the sluggishness, woke up...

then it was home again home again coo coo ka choo and I visited you guys and left comments and started this here entry right here that you are reading with your very own eyes right now at this moment... and this moment too... and now, again...

all caught up on today and it's time to skip off elsewhere for whatever fun and mischief I can find... it's good to find time to babble out here again... I haven't spent this much time on the net in weeks... having too much fun living large in my mind... hopw you're finding your fun too, wherever it is, let it be wherever you are :)

I'm peeing in a bottle

yes, that's the highlight of the day (and among the long list of titles stretched out over many years and blogs, this one might stand out, I mean, if such a list of titles was ever compiled anywhere and anybody ever actually took the time to scan the list... a nod to posterity, my most loyal imaginary audience)...

can you feel the love tonight?...

or at least, can you feel the smile tonight?... of course we could find reason to frown or feel some sort of negative energy, fear, frjustration, depression, anger, you name it... but I don't... and that just increases the smile...

excuse the giggles, I really don't want to come off as any sort of smartass, especially when I know that most people are so far from where I am when I feel as I do right now and that is sad, in a way, but sometimes I just do not want to feel even that sadness and accept what is as it is, we are as we are, and everything is beautiful in it's own way...

even the confusion and madness...

I am not sure I will ever be able to explain just how the cruelty and harm cascading throughout humanity can be beautiful and for the moment, such explanations are meaningless cuz I doubt anyone would begind to understand (not even me), and I do not mean to come off like I am referring to that mind of God concept religions use to shirk the responsibility of explaining stuff that the perveyors of religions pretend to be able to explain in order to control people... but that's a whole other thought path I am not interested in traveling along just now...

perhaps there is some meaning in the understanding of the difference between the balance of compromise and the compromise of balance... one is more precarious than the other... one is more secure than the other... I am in the secure one at the moment... the rest is up to you...

suddenly I am distracted by an unexpected view of a the shape of a part of a breast on TV. mostly cuz it's so unexpected... Amanda (I forget her last name) who plays Samantha Carter on Stargate was out of uniform in an evening gown for a moment and I just happened to glance up at the TV to see her getting out of a car... and I am reminded of the psychological effects of clothing on our perspective and libido and society cuz if we walked around naked and the naked body was not such a cultural taboo, we probably would not be so turned on by a little flash of skin... ultimately, I do not think the thrill of the forbidden and forced prolonged ignorance is worth psychological confusion and trauma it leads to and often causes, but it's still a curious phenomenon about humanity...

so anyway, I'm just getting back from the gym and feeling better than usual and I've been feeling very good lately... I'm also feeling hungrier than usual in spite of eating more today than usual, which means the body is rebuilding in high gear and also I probably need some vitamin or mineral, so I'll take a multivitamin...

I also finally got a copy of my latest lab results (though I don't have a copy of the results the results of the more comprehensive tests GI specialist ordered cuz the records person there is not returning calls... I probably will not be going back there if I ever need a GI doctor again... first off the doctor never spoke to me about the results... and after telling me to see a Urologist due to test results, they are not responding to my repeated messages asking them to send the results of those tests to the Urologisy they referred me to... so if you are in Orlando and need a GI doctor, do not use the Center for Digestive Health, mmm'ok?...

so far in the first 12 hours I've put 1500ml into the big orange bottle they gave me to collect my 24 hours of urine... and that's with all that perspiring I do in the gym (you can not only wring out my T-shirt, but it's dripping on it's own when I take it off and that's in a 67F gym)...

it's been a beautiful and relaxing day off... I wandered out a couple of times, drove around a bit and didn't even mind the ridiculous traffic... picked up mail, which included the tickets to a couple of concerts and the last issue of LEX (The Letter Exchange) and I just might spend the night reading through the listings and who knows, maybe write a letter or few, which is a completely different direction from the blogging and general babbling I've been doing over the last nine years or so... there was a time, as you may recall, when I was quite immersed in personal correspondence...

ah, the memories are so much easier to access and enjoy when in the right mood... after coming home, I found the pilot episode of Dark Angel on the tube and watched cuz I've heard a lot about the show and while I could get into it, there were too many things about it that keep me from adding it to the list of shows I would like to catch regularly... basically, the level of plot contrivance was too high...

one thing about watching TV is the repetitive (and mostly annoying) commercials, especially the food commercials... one for Long John Silver's for lobster-stuffed crab cakes finally caught me ready to try them and I went out shopping... so I put some healthy food in the fridge and then stopped for the crab cakes, but they didn't have them... I'm gonna complain to the company... so I stopped for subs and treated myself to what has become a rare taste of bread and then I napped and woke and went to the gym and then came here and rambled on with you while watching the Friday night Sci-Fi channel line-up...

and since you are sitting on the edge of your seat awaiting the results of the tests that have me filling this big orange bottle, I'll share them now... results out of normal range are underlined... past results are in parentheses... current results high or low have a (H) or (L) next to them...

Triglycerides: Cholesterol, Total: HDL Cholesterol (L): LDL Cholesterol: Chol/HDLC Ratio: Glucose: Urea Nitrogen (BUN): Creatine (H): GFR Estimated (L): AST: ALT: Hemoglobin Alc:

. . .

75mg/dL (544, 266, 282) 174 mg/dL (180, 193) 39 mg/dL (26, 32, 32) 120mg/DL (108) 4.5 (6.9) 73 mg/dL (157, 126, 119) 21 mg/dL 1.8 mg/dL (1.0) 42 mL/min/1.73m2 (>60) 22 U/L (60, 42, 44) 43 U/L (140, 89, 92) 5.5 % of total Hgb (6.4, 6.0)

and there you go... all other results in the Comprehensive metabolic panel were normal over the past four tests which span the past year... if you know what it all means, yay for you and maybe you see why I do not get concerned with the doctor's warnings of my impending demise and threat to stop seeing me as a patient cuz her lawyers and insurance company tell her I am a high risk patient... that is the amazingly misguided and misdirected mind of modern medicine today... and the longer I live the more I see why of the battle cry many a revolution included first, we kill all the lawyers...

I suppose I should not be amused... but I am peeing in a bottle, after all...

highs and pows

that title might have been highs and lows, but I don't feel low and the typo in the title fits well, so it stays... the highs are Sea World... love the place, played with stingrays and dolphins and walruses and whales and visited many other animals and fish and birds... great day...

before we proceed with the rest of this entry, an interjection after the fact, aka an afterthought presented as a prelude:

I liked yesterday's entry better (but then, I always like it when I brain kind of goes on autopilot and plays with words) and the rhyme comment you guys inspired in the entry before that will find it's way into btc eventually... I'd go there if I were you cuz this entry is touched by the grumps for a bit, though it all turns out well in the end cuz I'm just that kind of fellow (and believe in how I feel as much, if not more than science or anything anyone else might tell me)... but you probably know that by now... best believe it :)

and now, on with today's entry...

the pow was calling the doctor to get the lab results sent to the Urologist and ask if the doctor wanted to see me since that was her original plan (but nobody called) and the nurse gets on the phone and says the doctor wants me to do a 24 hour urine test because she suspects reduced kidney function... and nobody called to tell me this?...

yeah, so anyway, it would have been good if I could have known and gotten the 24 hour urine done before the Urologist appointment on Monday, but my doctor seems to be dropping the ball a lot, starting with ignoring my call when I first got the UTI and possible bladder/kidney infection back on March 19th (apparently not getting the message from her receptionist)... up to me having to demand a urine test when I went to the GI specialist on April 5th and having to call and have those results sent to my doctor (and then nobody called to tell me anything - except the GI receptionist to tell me the GI guy wanted me to set up a Urology appointment... she's been my doc for about six years and I had liked her doctoring until the last two months...

so anyway, I may make an appointment with a Nefrologist now since when I called to get the lab results to the Urologist I heard a rumour that my kidneys might need a specialist... or so it seems... isn;t modern medicine and the fast-food processing machine it's become wonderful...

I stand my ground on the fact that I went to the gym tonight and did 107 minutes on the Lifecycle (drank 100 ounces of water for the kidneys) at Level 3 at more than 7mph and felt great, was cruising at 8mph the last half hour, and if the Deputy didn't show up I would have continued another hour... so I am guessing that the lab results are masked and skewed by my exercise and diet program that's been going on for two months that none of the doctors showed any interest in hearing about...

but I'll proceed with all the modern medicine tests anyway...

ridiculously, I gave in and at Burger King today... looking at the content of the foods I am amazed... and people eat that and worse all the time?...

meanwhile, I am happy bouncy and full of energy even after walking around half the day and almost two hours vigorous continuous workout at the gym... probably building another kidney stone (I did pass a bit of sediment today, but that's probably cuz I ate more protein and spices than the kidneys could process last night and fell asleep before I drank enough water and I have a bit of a cold bug trying to move in, though it's retreating compared to yesterday), but as long as there's no interference with the gym work, I am not taking anything the doctors say all that seriously cuz they don't have all the facts (I mean, they haven't actually talked to the patient)...

so after a bit of grumbling about doctors who do not actually treat patients and mixed messages from the lab, no worries and continue the fun :)

energy rising

and that's the good news... the flip side is that as energy rises, loneliness (or awareness of aloneness and the desire to share, which reflects the positivity of loneliness better than the typically depressed most accepted connotation or inference might be viewed) rises...

Precious called me at work today because apparently the appointment for hair for her and Dreamer were not made... miraculously, I was able to get two appointments for tomorrow afternoon which should give them time to get to dinner on time and then to the prom... Raspy made dinner reservations for them at a restaurant near the prom sight, which is the Hard Rock Cafe at Universal Studios...

I spent most of the day at work helping someone with a new quarterly report she had to do... it required modifying a spreadsheet and database to produce the information she needed in a report format...

and home was the usual for these days, I sit in the big green chair, nap for a few hours, wake to go to the gym for at least an hour, then come here to the computer for an hour or so to log in the food and activites for the day and record the thoughts of the day here...

I did get to the lab to give some more blood... we shall see how the last 47 days of change have effected the results... I suspect cholesterol to remain about the same, which was 180, though I hope the HDL number goes up cuz it was low at 26... triglicerides hopefully went down, but I am not expecting much as my exztreme reduction in carbs (cuz the glucose was 157) and increased meat intake cuz of exercise meant consuming more fat than I had been eating previously... if the AST and ALT (60 and 140, respectively) didn't go down, I'll have to figure out how to get a balanced diet with less cheese and nuts and other higher fat proteins... ironic, since the weight loss continues in spite of increased fat intake... that's cuz overall calories have been cut in half, at least... anyway, those results were from 2/26 and hopefully I'll get to see the results from 4/5 and today soon...

I'd like to find more time for writing and uploading, especially the babbling that clears my brain of excess and the rhyming that keeps my heart beating... and music, how I long to experience and share more music... sometimes even more than how much I long to share love and romance... there's just so little inspiration and interest in creativity around me these days... that's the deepest loneliness of all for me...

waking up to myself is always an interesting experience... amusing that I'd let so much time go by asleep and alone when I love life and sharing so much... but it takes two to share and I am one... hopefully the more I wake, the more I shall attract others with higher energy levels who share as I do... I expect this rebuilding to continue at least through June before I am ready for the next step, which is figure out how to fit more social life into the way too short 24 hour day and 168 hour week...

and that's the news and thoughts of the day for today... I hope you are experiencing life and yourself to your satisfaction and enjoying whatever you do... cz that is what it's all about :)