insanity 101, chapter 2

chapter two starts with sleep deprivation... 40 minutes in the past 51 hours and i played softball tonight for 4 hours (pitching... in the rain... walked none, gave up two hits (or was it three), two runs (on an error), and we won something like 30 - 2 with a scoring limit of 7 runs per inning for the first 4 innings and we only played five innings cuz the mercy rule is game over if one team is ahead by 10 or more runs after five innings) and the leg cramps are telling me sleep deprivation is real (or side effects from lisinopril, however it may be spelled, are real) and the start of chapter two of insanity, 101...

it's a course offered free in my head...

so i really ought to lay down and sleep now as work is waiting just six hours away and the body could use ten, at least, and i don't want to raise the risk of pulling a muscle or other injury even higher than it already is...

i love you :)

I shared nocpdjavcf with several relative strangers today... two of whom i've never actually met (other than being in the same room together)... surely insanity, but you don't have to call insanity surely...

i am crossing the line, sharing links to my web world on the meetup site and with meetup people... any day now an actual physical person from orlando will read this blog and discover the insanity among us, or them, from their perspective... perhaps i should laugh in the bwa ha ha fashion... or at least a hearty nyuk nyuk...

that week of entries still awaits uploading... and then some... i wrote a bunch of posts on a message board for a meetup that related to nocpdjavcf, though i have not linked that particular page on the boards, probably cuz i didn't think of it until i was writing emails... yes, i wrote a few emails too... communication, amazing, huh?...

i wonder if people actually sit in the same room while they blog... i don't mean people in a public library or wi-fi cafe or wherever, but i mean people who know each other, just sitting around, and instead of interacting when in the same room, they sit at separate computers blogging about this, that, or something... i wonder how many blog about each other...

i wonder if i would enjoy that...

it's 2am, do you know where your blogger is?...

loving you :)

nite nite :)

retrospective reflections (and other puzzling ponderings)

so i add the entry cuz these thoughts are rolling around my head and there's this date that has no entry cuz i was too busy in RealTime™ to write an entry this weekend and it's only 3am and work is at least five hours away and all these words are bubbling through the brain (as usual) and nobody is here to share or distract me from thinking and playing with words, so i add this entry cuz...

feel free to play the song that never ends now...

and i wonder who is out there, i mean, not you guys who comment, but others who do not comment... i especially wonder at this moment if anyone local is out there, like was i sitting and talking and having fun with anyone this weekend or the past few weeks who reads this (or any of my) babblings?... i know my calendar gets checked now and then or whatever by locals, but has anyone local found my blogs or pages of rhymes or any part of my web world?...

i wonder if it would be as cool as i think it would be if the local physical reality met my semi-imaginary world of words...

or were those famous last words...

so we were discussing the online and offline worlds this weekend and it is interesting how some feel the twain just does not meet, how some feel one or the other is taken too seriously (though usually it's the view that words online get taken too seriously that gets the most agreement), and how people are too dependant on this, that, or the other thing...

and so when i talk to people offline about how much fun it is to play and communicate online, i am often told that i take the online world too seriously... and this is usually by people who spend more time online and less time socializing offline than i do... weird, to me, at least, but everybody has a perspective...

i rarely meet someone who accepts things as i do or thinks about things as i do... maybe i just never learned how to be as invested in anything as others... tthe irony is that when i take something seriously, i am usually told i take it too seriously and when most of the time i am not taking anything nearly as seriously as anyone around me, so few take me seriously... i guess i just don't play the game most everyone plays (and most do not see it all as a game either)...

so because i seldom sleep, i spent more time online and offline than anyone i know... and all these words, who reads tham... you dear friends who've been with me for years, maybe a few newer friends from far far away, but locals - does this opportunity to know me pass without nod (or a wink, for that matter)?... sees a shame, since getting to know people can take so much time in the few hours a week that offline social life allows in this unsocial work dominated culture...

sometimes it seems so sad...

i also wonder what about me might not be knowable by reading everything i've put online... what aspects of my personality are missing... what questions would someone who truly wants to know me completely (believing in the dream that knowing someone completely is possible) ask?... any ideas?... and then another question peaks around the corner... what could i put online to inspire people to want to know me better?... and still another question enters the game, what could i do with my online time to make me more attractive to people offline, not just to the females (ah, ever seeking the one even when i am not consciously doing it), but to potential true friends...

everybody has an opinion, even if they don't want to find it or share it, so what's yours?...

thanks for reading, and if you respond, thanks for responding, and if you answer questions, thanks for answering questions, and if you help me get some of what i want, thanks for the best help a friend can give...

and enjoy it, cu that's what we're here for, ya know? :)

merry happy

The world is much too full of religion,
leaving so little room for god.
for those who feel a need for some all-powerful being, then let there be room for such a being within those and do not pretend the social rituals and hypocrisy of rules can create such a being where actions do not… and whatever god may be if god exists, be there one or many or none, if such a being seeks other beings to devote time and energy to sacrifice life and limb in some form of worship or ritual then i believe that being is weak and insecure, seeking reassurance and validation from outside itself for it is lacking a sense of completeness or esteem within itself…

give your god the respect of living your life well...

i feel sad to see so many spending so much time and energy trying to be something they are not, pretending they believe one thing when most of their actions do not support their belief, ignoring the ignorance and hypocrisy they actualize and therein, become in their daily lives and collection actions…

give your god the honor of living your life true...

i see so much energy spent on fitting in, on belonging, on explaining, on justifying, on validating, on seeking confirmation, on thinking and over-thinking and demanding understanding and pleading for certainty and begging for security and hoping for unity and praying for sanctity and wishing for peace and dreaming of love and dividing everything into words... so little energy spent on just being...

give your god reverence by being all you can be, right now...

for me, peace is no longer feeling the need for validation... security is no longer feeling the need for answers... love is no longer feeling the need for confirmation... truth is no longer feeling the need to explain... not necessarily in that order...

i suggest you untie the knots… you will not fall apart, even if you think you are...

"Sometimes you have to take a step or two back, re-treat take a month off don't do anything don't want to do anything peace is paramount pace is paramount whatever you want you aren't going to get it by trying too hard.

Take ten years off you'll be stronger take twenty years off you'll be much stronger. there's nothing to win anyhow and remember the second best thing in the world is a good nights sleep and the best: a gentle death. ~ Bukowski

while i do not agree with all the quotes i read or choose to repeat here (or even with all the words i write), i am thankful for the inspirations and thoughts you and writing provides… writing allows me to explore possibilities of thought and perspectives and beliefs… rarely do i take the writing seriously enough to actually find the words to express myself as i am… most often i am playing with the possibilities, especially when i am alone, as i am today…

i have known the pleasure and time for actualization that comes from taking years off from the daily grind of work and modern life... letting go of the trappings, the possessions, the connections to the bills and responsibilities and obligations of maintaining what is called respectability and success is a freedom few experience, which is sad...

i may believe that religion and belief in god is a cop-out on the responsibility of growing out of dependent childhood and into independent being responsible for his or her own actions, but that may mean nothing to you... what matters is do we live our beliefs in our daily lives...

give your god life by lighting your light and following your dream...

it matters little whether there is a consciously planned and recorded continuum that remains visible in the physical world or whether each moment dissolves in a poof of synaptic ambivalence (or a delete button), what is is, what was was, what will be will be, and remembering or forgetting, deliberately or not, does not change this… whether tomorrow is dominoes falling at random or carefully set by some guiding hand, what matters is being open to the experience here and now… miss this, and you miss the point…

but it is an individual decision as we each create our own reality or illusion, depending on the word and perspective we choose… and whether one chooses to follow others or to explore a less travelled path toward reason or insanity, whether one records to remember or for ego's sack, or simply lives the moments, whether one chooses to believe in things beyond the sensory experience or one accepts not knowing what may be beyond the sensory experience, what matters is the actions one chooses to take in this life and the time and energy one spends in living…

many choose to wait, to hide, to deny, to close their minds (and hearts and senses) to much of the life experience for some reason… many choose to believe in rules that restrict the life experience well beyond the what others would choose… that is their choice and their right, though some believe they have the right to force their choices on others and that is where i disagree, for just as they would not want someone violating them and their choices, others would most likely like to be treated the same… do unto others, after all…

I respect those who choose to live up to their own professed beliefs, and words… i've met few who choose to… that is sad… my personal views provide a peace that requires nothing beyond the sensory experience and the moment… what is beyond the known sensory experience is fun for my imagination and inspires dreams and stories (which is one reason science fiction is a playground for my mind)… what is beyond the moment adds to the experience within my mind through memories and fantasies, but again, for me, none of that is required for peace and the pleasure of being in the moment…

that last paragraph comes as close to the perspective i call me as i've put into words in some time… whether it is irony, coincidence, subconscious, or conscious intention to choose this day of the year to ponder along these paths or not, the possibilities amuse me and that is why i write, to amuse myself… i put the words out here to introduce myself, to touch you, and to amuse you… if i succeed in this now and then, yay…

recently i was given cause to ponder the trail of blog entries and blogs i leave out here on the web... many thousands of pages of words, pieces of me, moments in time, bits of imagination, and much nonsense for the moment because irreverence amuses me... and the question of importance arises, the question of why i leave the words out here...

i leave the words out here as a trail, like bread crumbs, to me... because i am alone and hope to find a compatible intimate partner to share the moments of life... the blogs, the entries, the pages of words all lead to me in some way just as each book on my shelves and each song or video in my library points in some way to the experience that has formed me in this life... while sharing is not required for my peace and enjoyment of the moment, sharing often increases the pleasure and and enhances the moment... so these bits of me and my imagination remain as messages in bottles, as long and short winding roads leading to my door...

and that's why there is an entry almost every day, for today is the moment i live, yesterday matters to know me better, so the past entries and blogs remains, but today is the moment i am...

i hope you find what you require for peace within yourself in this world and spend most, if not all of your time enjoying the life… if you are still searching, may you enjoy the search and not stress the small stuff, or even the big stuff... let death and whatever might come next be a surprise party, it's much more exciting that way... don't forget now, enjoy the life along the way… it is your choice, even if you believe it is not, for that too is a choice… and in the end, may you enjoy taking responsibility for your choices and either love them or change them… i believe you can… and hope you do…

every day, in every way, enjoy your peace :)

before time, after time, during time

time time time… is telling us a story…

but if you think the articles are

___ interesting
___ curious
___ amusing
___ amazing
___ odd
___ wake me when it's over

then read the comments…

thanks to the starry starry explorations of the british isle's favorite space cowboy q9, this entry is heavily blinded influenced by science… those wacky mathematicians at the highest schools of higher learning are at it again, hypothesizing theories and supersizing equations until new ideas pop out like the errant football in a rugby scrimmage… but before you take it all too seriously, i present the dichotomy of the following amusing (to me, at least) paradox that simultaneously dares sarcasm and seriousness… we might consider the source, a publication that provides such invaluable information as how to win at rock, paper, scissors, but before we go along with this depreciation of credibility, discover just how valuable such information can be… I propose that's how we should resolve the religious wars and settle election disputes from now on…

objects in your rear view mirror may appear farther away than they actually are, after all…

considering that, at first glance, the different scientists are proposing that time ends and that time does not end in two different articles, we are left where we begin, wondering and seeking (or not to seek, be that the question) answers on faith where science or empiricism cannot provide… as an agnostic scientist, one might wonder forever… unless time actually does time, and then, who knows… believe what you will, just remember to leave enough energy in your brain to focus on actually enjoying the moment cuz life, ya know, it's what we are here to do…

there are so many thoughts on the subject… from the exceptionally simple theory of everything known as an exceptionally simple theory of everything (hey, yo, surfer dude) to complications of string theory to an attempt to explain it all with lego blocks, the theories expand right along with the universe… and if we had infinite time, we might be able to discuss them all…

and hopefully do a few other things too…

life, the universe, and everything… me, i'll dream of cheerleaders and chocolate... thank goodness for Wikipedia and senses of humor… and in the end, it may all be speculation and that can be much fun for the curious and/or playful mind, but i think the best we can do is to take a moment to remember before time, take another moment to imagine after time, and take the most moments to live during time…

tomorrow is always the day after today...

let your child play :)