and the world still whirls around...
Not RealTime™
this was inspired by this entry by Cali as I let the words transcend time and space to blend memory and fantasy in a timeless semi-consciousness that left these words free-falling from my mind... whatever it means, it felt good...
I would sell myself on ebay, but I haven't the first clue as to how... I think maybe I sell myself on the web most everywhere I go, in various ways, but on ebay... seems to formal... and still a great idea...
bittersweet, even...
this is seriously mad
this is silly, this is real
this is sort of how I feel
and suddenly I remember all the comforts I knew, the few people who shared them, and I wonder where they are today and why I ever went away to search for dreams beyond the comfort and someone to share them, but no one seemed to hear them, does everybody fear them?...
was all the closeness I've ever know merely a figment of my imagination?...
wow, that would be ironic... sad and funny, even... but who really cares about what matters most deep down and who really knows... if they were only there in body, were they ever really with me?... if they were never really there where I was, did I actually leave them?... how many years is the right number of years to wait?... if it takes forever, I will wait for you... but who is you is you me or someone who relates to me as I know me and is that possible or am I just reaching for a fantasy that no one outside of me could be?...
hey YOU!... I'll bid all the love in the universe for you...
even if it's just my illusion that tells me I can feel it all, even if it's not in my right or power to give it all, I'll bid it anyway because, well, you're worth it...
and what have I got to lose, somebody might love back...
the most amusing aspect of this life for me is that I seem to be amused when I am wandering around aimlessly on the valleys of despair and meaningless hells that most everyone creates with smiles on their faces because I am still as happy as I am most anywhere because I am me and home inside... even though it is really sweet to relax in comfortableness with someone who understands how to relax and appreciate all the love in the universe and all the beauty, it's still a veritable garden of eden inside... no matter how lonely I might feel sometimes, no haters throwing rotten apples can change that...
when I did not punch any clocks in the 90's
and I wonder what I'll be doing in my 90's
still hoping someone will be doing it with me?
instead, I sit in silent meditation, third eye beaming love amidst the world of blank faces that offer vegetative smiles that flash to try to hide the pitiful depressions created by their owners in their selfish lazy wasteful way as they grow ever fatter within the self-destruction they call lives... and I only cry to see the rainbows...
flashing back to when I was loved unconditionally as the love of her lifetime I recall I was not satisfied because my imagination and creativity was/were ignored and that experience felt insulting and I felt unappreciated... how weird is that?... I mean, I was loved unconditionally by someone who could or would not delve into my depths and still she accepted me as I am, loving and not just loving, but trusting me unconditionally and following me wherever I would go as long as I did not go too deep or too far away... and now I miss being loved unconditionally, even on the surface (but was that just ego-love?), and still don't share life with someone who appreciates my imagination and creativity, so I feel just as alone... or more...
so do I miss a dream or a fantasy or maybe a real memory of the comfort of being with someone all the time who, however shallow it seemed to me, gave her whole heart and soul to me (did she?... she gave all of her time), even as my depths ached for more, even as she was not actually with me as I knew me...
but maybe I saw myself as more than I really am, maybe I was deluded, dreaming, tilting at windmills, and she saw me as I was and loved me in spite of my madness... maybe she just could not reach me where I was because where I was was not real...
I wonder if I will ever know for sure...
still, when I left, she would not follow me to where she knew I needed to be... and as much as I was a shooting star, I never returned and I still would not return to that place of waiting today, but I would still welcome her into my world here, wherever I am...
and there's one, two, three strikes, at least, but I am not out, am I?... I mean, there are three different loves of a lifetime that this could be about if it is for real and I've but scratched the surface...
on ebay...
I put on the BeeGees First of May and see the rainbows.
Labels: babble, changes, choices, crazy, doh, dreams, elsewhere, emo, fantasy, loneliness, mtmm, myspace, sigh
posted by candoor at 4:29 AM
2 Comments:
Well, somehow this post slipped by me. I did check, I promise.
I don't know. I think that even though we were different people in a different time, if we felt something was missing in a relationship then, we would still feel it missing now. Does that make sense?
I think sometimes our hearts see past all of the unconditional love and the time that person spends following us, to that which just isn't there for US. Not that it doesn't exist IN us, it just does not feel at home in us when it comes to that person.
For all intents and purposes it should be "right", but it just isn't. By the same token, when it IS right there is just as little chance of denying it.
Reading back over this, I'm not sure I did a very good job articulating what I wanted to say as its late, and I'm very tired, but I wanted to visit, and let you know I was here. :)
I am sneaky this way sometimes... you might look again and find a "Sunday" post as well, for the babbling continues even when I am not uploading and even when I am not writing... sometimes some secrets might even slip out, some depths might be splashed up to the surface, something more than the daily drivel might appear... I appreciate you noticing and letting me know you did :)
the saddest thing, I think, is when one falls in love with another and yet, does not relate to the other's depths, desires, and dreams... perhaps it is shallowness, perhaps it is low self-esteem, perhaps it is inexperience, lack of confidence, or simply loneliness that makes one give devotion and companionship and even worship to another without truly sharing the depths...
I've know this sort of love from others more time than I want to remember...
it may be that we were at different stages of development and they could not keep up or did not have as much knowledge of self to offer... perhaps they felt intimidated and made me their 'better' in their mind (that is how they often acted)...
I keep hoping, as I age and slow down, that someone will come along and run circles around me as I've done in this life with others...
it is lonely being without an off switch :}
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