don't get me started on sleep now
I actually almost feel rested... only almost, so no serious worries just yet... besides, I really have major responsibilities at work for the next few weeks so I must remain focused on the tasks at hand... though being fully rested and busting out on some fantastic and mostly completely irresponsible adventure sounds quite appealing to me right about now...
we're supposed to be making the transition at work next week... unfortunately, I still don't have a replacement trained and in place, not even half the replacement, and the data piles up on my desk every time I step away to do some other work and late data just makes more work for the QA position I am moving into... and several of us are working against deadlines...
I did select a candidate and she's being processed by personnel... references, background check and all that stuff... if she comes back clean, she'll be offered the job and hopefully she'll take it and I'll have a part time data person to do as much of the full time CDS data job as she can so I can move into the PI/QA job and the current PI/QA person can move into the UR/CL job she wants so she can help the current UR person and CLs, all of whom are overwhelmed with caseloads at the moment... that's Clinical Data Specialist, Performance Improvement, Quality Assurance, Utilization Review, and Clinical Liaison, respectively, in case you just had to know and didn't already...
I think I'll just put on Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars and fall asleep with it on repeat (though I've been loving Alexa Ray Joel, Bright Eyes, Shannon Thomas, and others tonight too... including The Beatles, Elton John, and The Moody Blues... yes, returning to the roots... Pink Floyd and Harry... BeeGees and Don McLean... Seventh Sojourn and Blue Jays)...
you don't need to ask me if I'll be your friend
I am
I am
you don't need to ask me if I'm sure my friend
I am
I am
I am your friend
you must remember me
I'm the one who saw through your disguise
took away the cloak and made it hide
from me
remember me?
you don't need to find the words to say what's on your mind
and when you wake up from the #9 dream... can Barry Manilow be far behind?... now that's a potentially scary thought... John Denver?... deeper and deeper the spiral leads (or is it a rabbit hole?)... I'll be creating in the gardens of ones and deeper still at this rate... can I stand the excitement?... oh not the show music we're not ready for that, are we?...
and who would not drown in the ocean of tears
that backs up in sleeping hearts over the years
when once again opened to overcome fears
the depths are too much for the eyes and the ears
where only true hearts can survive
but how many left, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive
oh there I go wandering along the edge of the lament of lost childhoods again... alas, the human grows up, Peter, and Tink and the dreams must be left behind, over the rainbow where only wishes and the sounds of wistful music can go... shall this be a long and winding road leading to nowhere entry?... it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... I am resisting the babbler as I do need to be alert for work tomorrow... and yet, the bubbles of memories and fantasies and hopes and dreams are pressing against the surface and tickling the defenses so irresistibly...
but what if I don't wanna grow up?...
human, remember, we're trying to be human here... oh yes, the frailty, the insecurity, the foolish fears and wasted years and idle tears and senseless ears - playing the unawares so well, so long, till we're really unaware...
but what if I don't wanna be human?...
what?... after all this time?... four hundred plus entries invested in this human project... the latest feeble attempt to learn how to give up the simplicity and truths every open mind is born with... and ending sentences with prepositions, no less... or whatever they're called... turn off the spellchecker and cast out the grammar checker, the typo-mad babbler is... no, ready or not, I must not stay awake all night tonight...
after all, she's not here...
and who would believe in the childinside
still alive and well and refusing to hide
when all the world fears the love long denied
when they will scream madness across the divide
where only true hearts can survive
how many remain, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive
cold cruel orb that haunts the night... cold cruel truth that hides in light... cold cruel child left on his own... cold cruel truth now fully grown... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all lost their minds?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all but given up and died?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out just how inadequate they choose to be?... how to be kind when just by being alive you force them to face their reality - or mass insanity - comes down to put an end - to the truth they do not want to see... what if that child, just being alive, was you or me?... can anyone tell me what happens to a heart grown and still true?... hey Jesus, is that what happened to you?...
well, wouldn't that be a scary song to perform at a church social... hellillfoolya brothers and sisters... can we get an a-men?... can we get an a-women?... can we get Robin Williams to play the preacher?... somebody save me from this path of self-destruction at other hands... but are we afraid of, really?...
ah, but when the magic becomes real you know there is no better way to feel and everything has so much more appeal in love when the magic becomes real... and all you have to do is take the greatest leap of faith, not to heaven above but into someone else's arms... and all you need to do is overcome all fear and shame, to trust unconditionally as you did as an infant charms... can you trust your heart that much at this advanced stage of life when so many wrongs have hit you that will never be made right... can you wash away the past and dissolve all the pain, can you resurrect your heart to trust true love once again...
hey, there's a lot of rhyming going on here tonight, ya know?... I can almost hear Mickey Rooney in the background yelling let's put on a show... and I've certainly watched too many old movies, dontcha know... but some things, like these dreams, are just too good to let go... and Alice Cooper sang I'm not in love... so don't forget it... it's just a silly phase I'm going through... and Chris Isaak sang I don't want to fall in love... and the library could open up with so many self-preservation songs that fool the heart into believing that defense and closing down is the best choice... no no no, it can't be - they can't take that away from me...
did I say this was going to be a brief entry?...
:)
we're supposed to be making the transition at work next week... unfortunately, I still don't have a replacement trained and in place, not even half the replacement, and the data piles up on my desk every time I step away to do some other work and late data just makes more work for the QA position I am moving into... and several of us are working against deadlines...
I did select a candidate and she's being processed by personnel... references, background check and all that stuff... if she comes back clean, she'll be offered the job and hopefully she'll take it and I'll have a part time data person to do as much of the full time CDS data job as she can so I can move into the PI/QA job and the current PI/QA person can move into the UR/CL job she wants so she can help the current UR person and CLs, all of whom are overwhelmed with caseloads at the moment... that's Clinical Data Specialist, Performance Improvement, Quality Assurance, Utilization Review, and Clinical Liaison, respectively, in case you just had to know and didn't already...
I think I'll just put on Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars and fall asleep with it on repeat (though I've been loving Alexa Ray Joel, Bright Eyes, Shannon Thomas, and others tonight too... including The Beatles, Elton John, and The Moody Blues... yes, returning to the roots... Pink Floyd and Harry... BeeGees and Don McLean... Seventh Sojourn and Blue Jays)...
I am
I am
you don't need to ask me if I'm sure my friend
I am
I am
I am your friend
you must remember me
I'm the one who saw through your disguise
took away the cloak and made it hide
from me
remember me?
you don't need to find the words to say what's on your mind
and when you wake up from the #9 dream... can Barry Manilow be far behind?... now that's a potentially scary thought... John Denver?... deeper and deeper the spiral leads (or is it a rabbit hole?)... I'll be creating in the gardens of ones and deeper still at this rate... can I stand the excitement?... oh not the show music we're not ready for that, are we?...
that backs up in sleeping hearts over the years
when once again opened to overcome fears
the depths are too much for the eyes and the ears
where only true hearts can survive
but how many left, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive
oh there I go wandering along the edge of the lament of lost childhoods again... alas, the human grows up, Peter, and Tink and the dreams must be left behind, over the rainbow where only wishes and the sounds of wistful music can go... shall this be a long and winding road leading to nowhere entry?... it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... I am resisting the babbler as I do need to be alert for work tomorrow... and yet, the bubbles of memories and fantasies and hopes and dreams are pressing against the surface and tickling the defenses so irresistibly...
but what if I don't wanna grow up?...
human, remember, we're trying to be human here... oh yes, the frailty, the insecurity, the foolish fears and wasted years and idle tears and senseless ears - playing the unawares so well, so long, till we're really unaware...
but what if I don't wanna be human?...
what?... after all this time?... four hundred plus entries invested in this human project... the latest feeble attempt to learn how to give up the simplicity and truths every open mind is born with... and ending sentences with prepositions, no less... or whatever they're called... turn off the spellchecker and cast out the grammar checker, the typo-mad babbler is... no, ready or not, I must not stay awake all night tonight...
after all, she's not here...
still alive and well and refusing to hide
when all the world fears the love long denied
when they will scream madness across the divide
where only true hearts can survive
how many remain, who will arrive
how many true hearts...
are still alive
cold cruel orb that haunts the night... cold cruel truth that hides in light... cold cruel child left on his own... cold cruel truth now fully grown... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all lost their minds?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out that they've all but given up and died?... how to be kind when just by being alive you point out just how inadequate they choose to be?... how to be kind when just by being alive you force them to face their reality - or mass insanity - comes down to put an end - to the truth they do not want to see... what if that child, just being alive, was you or me?... can anyone tell me what happens to a heart grown and still true?... hey Jesus, is that what happened to you?...
well, wouldn't that be a scary song to perform at a church social... hellillfoolya brothers and sisters... can we get an a-men?... can we get an a-women?... can we get Robin Williams to play the preacher?... somebody save me from this path of self-destruction at other hands... but are we afraid of, really?...
ah, but when the magic becomes real you know there is no better way to feel and everything has so much more appeal in love when the magic becomes real... and all you have to do is take the greatest leap of faith, not to heaven above but into someone else's arms... and all you need to do is overcome all fear and shame, to trust unconditionally as you did as an infant charms... can you trust your heart that much at this advanced stage of life when so many wrongs have hit you that will never be made right... can you wash away the past and dissolve all the pain, can you resurrect your heart to trust true love once again...
hey, there's a lot of rhyming going on here tonight, ya know?... I can almost hear Mickey Rooney in the background yelling let's put on a show... and I've certainly watched too many old movies, dontcha know... but some things, like these dreams, are just too good to let go... and Alice Cooper sang I'm not in love... so don't forget it... it's just a silly phase I'm going through... and Chris Isaak sang I don't want to fall in love... and the library could open up with so many self-preservation songs that fool the heart into believing that defense and closing down is the best choice... no no no, it can't be - they can't take that away from me...
in those moments between sleep and awake where we still remember dreaming, that's where I'll be waiting... that's where I'll always love you...
did I say this was going to be a brief entry?...
:)
Labels: bliss, catharsis, choices, dreams, elsewhere, emo, energy, heart, hope, lam, love, mtmm, real, rhymes, semi-philosophy, singing, theatre, work, wwjs, yay
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
4 Comments:
man, do you think mcearstix was killed by guerilla in south america or put on a camel and stolen for a saudi harem or what?
ps: you are SOOOOOOOO in love!
"can you resurrect your heart...?" I love that. Love this post, Candoor.
z - I still drop mcearstix an email now and then... she was drifting rather aimlessly last time I heard from her... I love her head and hope she's ok...
I'd imagine she's laying on some beach in the Seychelles wondering what day it is and laughing at the clouds :)
ah yes, it's been a long time since candora was rambling on and on about love, but I still live there, in love, that is... there is no better place to live...
living in love is easy (even when it's lonely)... it's the sharing that presents a challenge :)
h - thank you - I think it's easy for us to find an affinity because we seem to be at similar places on the emotional roller coaster (the cliff :)
and as much as I joke about it (partly cuz I've been sitting at the edge for so long that I consider it home and spend most evening imagining the fall (I used to write about it often, like daily... in some ways I still do, between the lines), I know and respect the seriousness of the precipice and the fall, well, I'm most at home in the fall in my mind because it's so rare outside of my mind and I love it too much not to experience it as much as I can... sometimes I wonder if I've given up on actually finding my partner and maybe the fantasy will be enough (I'm certainly happily amused with myself most of the time)... but deep down, where the sighs and alases come from, I guess I am just reconciled to the possibility of being alone for the rest of this life and enjoying myself (which is easy when I accept it) because I know that in a very real way, even when sharing life 24/7 with someone I deeply loved and believed to be soulmate, I've always been alone...
still, I love it when the walls come down :)
lol Candoor,
I'd say you are a collection of photons and electrons trapped in a condensate and slowed by mass & gravity
The traditional Chinese art of placement and arrangement of space called Feng Shui is based on the flow of Qi (chi), interactions between the five elements, yin and yang and other factors. The retention or dissipation of Qi (Chi) is believed to affect the health, wealth, energy level, luck and many other aspects of the occupants of the space. Colour, shape and the physical location of each item in a space affects the flow of Qi (Chi) by slowing it down, redirecting it or accelerating it, which directly affects the energy level of the occupants.
And here's a blast from the past TPau
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