what could have been and what was

I was much younger when I started this entry, almost seven hours ago, before midnight even, and there was plenty of time for actual bed-sleep tonight... I had just awakened from a wonderful nap and had words flowing through my head, so I came here to write a bit and then finally get a night of sleep... then, like the past few nights, Precious wanted to share (things appear better between her and her best friend)... the sun is about to rise, however I did get some writing done...

she wanted me to hear her favorite new musical (Bare lasted but a week at the top of the chart, but it's still #2 with a bullet), so she turned up Legally Blonde (the musical)... and as it happens these nights with Precious out of school and bored silly, time passed...

after she went to bed I tried to recapture some of the mood floating about inside when I woke and what came about was two myspace entries of rhyme and reason (what, me reason?)... I tossed a challenge out there, a dare even... though generalized and not specific, maybe it'll spark some life... we shall see what comes of it...

after that I wandered the blogs of myspace a bit, reading and leaving comments here and there - from odd thoughts at Cali's and others to inspiration at Meg and Dia's to flippant irreverence at Bandit's (though Bandit deleted all the comments so that was a waste of time and thought... the irony is this was the first time in months that I happened to catch her post while there was still comment-conversation going on and I was ready to jump in and play... guess playing with Bandit in her comments it wasn't meant to be for us, alas, what could have been... we are sure to mourn the loss of what never was someday... who's laughing?)...

speaking of emoting (sincerely, not mocking emo), I found our darling Dia crying in Meg's latest tour blog... apparently a heckler in the crowd got to her... I was moved by Megs writing and Dia's little hot diamond tears... and burp... no really, I'll quote Meg (who quoted Dia): "'I'm fine, really!' She managed to burp out as little hot diamond tears trickled down her red damp cheeks." yes, they are adorably talented, aren't they? (and hopefully laughing with me)... so I got to wandering out of body and back through time (as I'm apt to do) and started pondering (yeah, that) what I might say if I was there to console her, or them, or whomever might have needed a consolation prize of me... that's when I wrote these words that I think we should all live by (Mo, for reference, is their tour manager who was consoling her after the show) and all irreverence and teasing aside, seriously:

YAY Mo! - and you guys and supportive fans.

Your energy, talent, vulnerability, honesty, melodies, and meaningful words scare the airheads who are so afraid to feel anything but fear and anger that they only want to hear screams, not actual words... many go to concerts to vent, to fight, to destroy their senses.

Your fans come to use their senses, to communicate, to appreciate the art of putting words to music and telling a story, conveying a meaningful emotion (other than blind and barely comprehensible rage), and to embrace love for life, literature, and relationships.

I hope you come to understand those who are afraid to think or feel, those who lash out at intellect and emotions, those who do not understand the beauty of music and wonder of words. They are sad and do not know love. They are afraid of themselves.

I hope you never harden to the point where it does not hurt, but I hope you find ways to dissolve the pain, transform the negative energy into positive, make lemonade out of lemons, feel the sadness for humanity that so many are still so unevolved, still so afraid, and channel the emotions you feel into your art - into words and music.

I have faith in you that you can do that.
Because you know where it's at.
Teach us how to rise above.
Turn their hate into your love.

I believe in you guys - and though I wasn't there at the moment, I hope these thoughts helped.

all together now: awwwww... but I really mean it too... and I felt so inspirational and motherly (or fatherly) that I just had to bring you into it by repeating it here cuz I don't expect you to follow me all along my comment trail (though I do appreciate you checking out other entries I write when you have time as I have way too many voices in my head for one writing space and medical science and professional-type doctors and gurus and wise people throughout the ages and others have always advised: let all the voices in your head come out so there's room for voices to come in, so I do)...

besides, you know I crave attention and kudos and reassurance and the occasional standing ovation with roses and hugs and kisses) from time to time... speaking of roses, Meg & Dia's latest video is called Roses, by the way... and it won MTV's online video contest... sigh, alas, they'll be unapproachably famous long before we meet and fall in love... they have a youtube site too... I'd tell you that I finally decided it was time to sign-up so I could subscribe there, but that might bring the wrath of the z0tl continuum down on me so I'll let you know that I want to sign-up at youtube so I can subscribe to z0tl's youtube site, but youtube wouldn't let me in... apparently the sign-up part of the site was down for maintenance... or maybe they just don't like me... woe is me, and all...

meanwhile, down to Earth here in RealTime™, I ate a salad and a couple of slices of pizza when I got home and promptly slide into the big green chair for a very comfortable nap... it's just after midnight now and there are still dream-words buzzing around in my head so I'd like to head into my rhyming gardens and dance with them... after that I'll probably wander around a bit before heading for bed (if I am body-wise tonight)...

today was a good day at work... catching up on more work (finally back to a point where I can see what is missing and who is behind in their reports, so they welcoming me and my list of assessments due back with what felt like a respectful smile and sigh of reluctant relief... I believe they appreciate my organizational process, even as they get wrapped up in it and are asked to complete work for me... that is probably why I was so roundly welcomed as the new PI/QA Director/Manager/Coordinator (it's a director level position, but they do not want to pay director or even manager salary, so it's often posted with a coordinator title in spite of the job responsibilities and direct link to the Hospital Administrator) as word became more official today when people noticed my data position posted on the job board)...

three people applied for the data job, though they may be overqualified and not want to settle for the salary the frugal facility offers (two have MA degrees, one appears to have mad programming skills not necessary for this job... I'd love an assistant who could teach me stuff, but that wouldn't really be fair to him/her)... they know it is part time, so maybe it'll be a second job or maybe they are students... sleepy people are seldom proficient data entry people, especially when it is not straight data entry (the clinical data specialist {CDS) is expected to review charts and do assessments on patients, interpret reports and turn it into data and then enter the data accurately)...

the people most involved in the change (the current PI manager, the UR manager, the clinical liaisons, and the Administrator), all of whom will have either more or less work to do once I change positions as one of the first steps will be reorganizing the workload, stopped by to ask when that would be and I gave them my best estimate... we are shooting for August 1st, with some overlap into September as many of the reports are monthly cycles and we will cross train in our respective new positions... hopefully I can get my part time CDS on board by then...

and that's the way it was, yesterday, posted as if it was today, cuz time really is relative in blogdom... and on this note I send myself to bed for an hour or so and wish you all a wonderful day, cuz you can make it that way if you want to and I hope you do...

nite nite :)