sometime when I'm away...

well that sucked… what sucked, in case you wondered, was that a few paragraphs was just lost… fitting, practically perfectly, the theme of the paragraphs and the thought stream of the moment (dontcha just love how the universe cooperates with my creative process?) as I was wondering if anything I ever wrote or shared meant anything (or will mean anything as I’d like it to mean, as in the bridge across forever that will be the route for a journey shared by the one and all those old dreams), but it was much more eloquent than this…

to backtrack and put things into perspective, this entry will be the first (read on, you'll get it, I hope) of three uploaded right now, but it's likely to be the third (ummm, second?) of the three entries that suddenly appeared when you read through the new entries from top to bottom... those who do not do that, well, their loss... our loss, mine cuz I lose out on the potential for someone to read this, relate to this, respond to this, start interacting, call, talk, visit, become a friend offline, move in, share RealTime™, fall in love, and spent all eternity in infinite bliss...

ummm, yeah... our loss because you too might find some sort of positive interaction with someone who read this entry because it was there on top for a day or longer and that special person happened by at just that right time... of course we can argue that such a special person would read down a few entries before judging us (ummm, me) as not worth their internet reading time (cuz we've only got so much time to spend on the internet when we are special people, right?) and disregard all these possibilities, but that just wouldn't be as much fun, would it?...

don't all answer at once, you might jam up cyberspace...

aherm... and of course it would be their loss of the potential for know me and you and us and finding the best little microcosm on the internet (I supposed you don't necessarily have to respond to this entry to be part of our best little microcosm, but sometimes we do have to prioritize even people like what if I bought a Ferrari and only one passenger could ride at a time, how would we decide who'd be first?... comments?... well, that would be one way I suppose, but back to why they would be missing out now) cuz, well, just look at what they are missing, aye?...

ok, I'll get to this third/first entry now...

some of us like to lament (and I certainly do my share, even if I am just so dang sarcastic positive that I have to point it out)… we could spend hours discussing the merits or flaws and levels of lament, but that's not what this entry is about (I think) and I'll let you discuss amongst yourselves (or ponder in your own head) the many perspectives we can bring to or cull from lamentations... what I am pondering is what we'll get to just as soon as this paragraph ends (which would be right about now)...

I wonder sometimes how much of my lament is a plea for attention and how much is the creative play that I love to do so much… anyone who’s ever read me in depth (which each of you have done to varying degrees, with perhaps z0tl being around longest of the non-lurking convent we've entered into by clicking on the comment link (didn't know you were entering a convent, did you?... or is we a covent... coven?... cove?... co (company)... c?... speaking of planets (which will be in a future entry which you probably already read), let's let this entry continue and stop playing with words for a moment)...

yeah, back to my lamentations and their potential meaning and perspectives I give them and you may receive from them and how different everything can be in a multi-layered universe like the human brain)... if you've read enough of my mostly dead places or my blues or sour grapes or various other dumping grounds for unpleasant emotions (and there are plenty) then you know I am open to feel and exploring the downbeats that come from sadness, insecurity, negativity, and stupidity because that (expressing, exposing, analyzing, releasing, and turning emotions into fun or meaningful {to me, at least} writings is how I process the hurts or angers or any negativity and end up laughing at the situation (or more often, at myself) and remain the happy camper I usually am…

whether you've found this explanation in some previous writing or not (and I've mentioned it more than a few times), that’s how writing ultimately started for me, physically (through pen and paper) talking to myself (cuz nobody else would listen or understand poor little ol' me when I was very young, relative to human life-spans and all)… but before long (I figured everything out in the first few pages, ya see) so much of my writing became word play and writing characters, creative games, and trying to tell a story in a lyrical twenty or so lines (as Harry Chapin and others do so well…

that is not to suggest that there is nothing personal and absolutely no subtle begging for attention in my words (duh, huh?… feel free to giggle with me)… surely (not the name, but the word) I want attention and feedback and interaction cuz in the end, life is about the sharing for me and I hope to share a whole lot more than I am sharing in recent years cuz I’ve been in doldrums of superficiality and sedentary blahness and an aimless warp devoid of creativity most of the time in the physical world outside of my head… but you know this, don’t you…

so I’ll just share this…

sometimes when I'm away I wonder where everyone went
I wonder is everyone gone
I wonder am I just not paying attention

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what every word meant
I wonder how to carry on
I wonder am I just giving in to rejection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder when everything bent
I wonder why no one responds
I wonder am I just getting lost in reflection

sometimes when I'm away I wonder was everything spent
I wonder who I have become
I wonder am I just lost in over reaction

even when the meter is perfect
even when I hit every rhyme
even when I don't it doesn't matter
if I'm just passing the time

if I am not honestly caring
if I am not being aware
nothing can make any difference
if I am not even there
if I am not really there here here here

am I really singing
is this sound really a song
if nobody hears it
what is...

sometimes when I'm away I wonder what went wrong

but then, right and wrong relative collaborations of judgment that I tend to find lacking in substantive value in my life most of the time and with that prelude to pondering at the beginning of this entry there must be at least a gazillion ways to interpret these words, so how could we not proceed to discuss them avidly for years and years?... and so I'll start (or is this the end?), ironically, in case that rhyme appears depressing to you, that came after a pretty good sleep and meal and from a positive place (or at least in a peacefully happy mood)… there’s mostly an ironic smile for me in the words (I wonder if you saw that or what you saw without my input)…

you may have already read the entry above this, but it's time to continue this thought there now... I wonder if it'll make more or less sense now that you read this (or if you had read this before)... we may never know, alas, but let's leave all this discussion of who's losing what behind for now and dance...

you lead :)