denying denying denial

ok, for all you many techie geeks out there among my throngs of rabid fans and readers (shhhh, don't wake anybody), the latest fun on the net is for radio car enthusiasts, brought to you by Jay who quite literally says baby you can drive my car… see what writing code for hours and hours can do to people?... wait, i'm seventy third in line…

ok, so this entry might take a different turn, a taciturn, even, or perhaps it'll be revealing or enlightening or a shattering of illusions or a reinforcement of denials or the opposite or something else altogether, but step with me for a moment through the bs and into the RealTime™ RealLife™ in real time and see what environs the environment of living reality in the physical world is all about, or the condition my condition is in…

ok, so wtf is fark.com about anyway?... is it just one guy's vision of a news feeder or something more?... am i missing something that many seem to find endlessly fascinating (cuz it seems many spend hours there)… maybe it is like standing in line at the supermarket scanning through the many magazines and publications or simply looking for something to do while waiting for something to do… yeah, i admit it, i was amused more than a few times, but it seems there ought to be more… i don't know what more, but more…

wait, was that an attempt at distraction?... surely, the fool falls for it every time… but just this once, the bulldozer wins, the pile of pretense is pushed aside long enough for a few true, if a tad harsh, words… the truth may seem unkind, but denial is much more unkind after all… like pretending farts don't stink… well, ignore farts long enough and you could blow yourself up by lighting a match… or the spark of electrical transfer in an electronic devise, even… think about that the next time your cell phone rings right after you farted in a small enclosed space like a phone booth… or your car…

i dunno, fark, fart, maybe it's the similarity...

but you know what real denial is?... real denial is ignoring the physical world around us... right here and now in RealTime™ the blatant disrespect and insensitive attitude and behavior that Precious, who is going to be a nineteen year old young woman next month, dishes out around here… she does nothing around the house unless Rasputin gives her an ultimatum at least ten times… then she does only part of what she's asked to do, like clean up own unhealthy mess left in the kitchen and living room, and doesn't even do part well… and then... an hour later she usually undoes what Raspy jumped through hoops to get her to do…

for years i've lived in this mess of an apartment and my own habits have slacked off because i've learned to ignore the mess (denial)… but i don't ignore the mess completely, i am well aware of the mess when i consider a social life, when i consider inviting someone over here… that (inviting someone over) just will not happen and that is a very large reason, perhaps, without the denial, the primary and maybe even the only reason i do not have a more active social life, no less an intimate relationship… i do not want an intimate relationship with anyone who'd live in this sort of mess…

what set this little bit of a tirade off, the simple cutting through of the denial, was the simplest obvious disrespect… i asked Raspy to turn off the kitchen light as he was heading to bed, not just because i pay the electric bill, but because i was feeling eye strain and the light was not pleasant and starting to bubble up a headache… simply, i said it's hurting my head… Precious said she would turn out the light when she went to bed… why it had to stay on seemed to be simple defiance… when she finally got up from the couch, she went out to the car to get to get her cell phone… she knew it was out there because she asked me to call it and she didn't hear it ringing in the apartment… the light stayed on… she came back up and went into Rasputin's room to talk to him… the light stayed on… she came back out and stood in the living room for a few minutes… the light stayed on… i repeated the light is hurting my head several times during her coming and going, but she ignored or disregarded my words… finally, she went to her room, leaving the kitchen light on…

i asked why is the light still on and got up to turn it out, but Rasputin beat me to it, apparently realizing she was simply being the selfish disrespectful insensitive child she so often can be… Rasputin asks her to clean up in the kitchen, she leaves her mess and ignores him… she leaves crumbs and dirty plates all over and wastes food horribly... on the rare occasions she cooks something, she spills sauce/grease everywhere, smears counters, leaves her trash, papers, dirty clothes, and whatever on counters, in couch cushions, on the floor all over the apartment and simply ignores any request for her to clean up behind herself… there is no visible carpet in her room and the annual carpet cleaning has been skipped for a couple of years because she refuses to clean in there… empty Pepsi bottles, dirty plates, clean and dirty clothes are piled almost two feet deep all over and deeper in parts… but that's her room and she can keep it any way she wants (though if we started getting roaches, ants, or other bugs or vermin as they had in Rasputin's last residence, i'd probably move out if they didn't clean more often and better)… she truly lives slovenly and has no respect for communal space…

Raspy is usually too tired to clean up after her and ignores how she ignores him even more than i do… i point out how disrespectful it is now and then and nothing changes… he's usually too tired to even think about a social life… and i go along with it, denial denial denial…

will this entry end the denial… nope… though i am closer to finding a compromise… cleaning my space and keeping it the way i live to live… and going out more to meet people… and working up to bringing people back up here, preparing them for the sight by explaining my roommates habits and understanding if they feel it's too unhealthy an environment to stay in for long or even visit again… if the new prospective friends judge me and no longer want to become my friend, well, i suppose i learned a good lesson about them… but it is time to move toward ending the denial…

why not just move out?… seems like a simple and logical question and here's the simple answer (logical?... whatever)...

just how will my moving out and leaving them to fend for themselves help undo the wasteful, slovenly, disrespectful, insensitive habits that my denial has helped mold into Precious… yes, my tolerating it for years has enhanced the laziness and facilitated unhealthy habits... the self-centered child to act as though it is ok to disregard others needs and desires in a shared living space… that is my neglect of a vital learning lesson i should have helped Precious learn… my bad… so i shall do my best to try to find a way to take responsibility for my part and help remedy the situation by staying here and changing my habits, being a better role model, and by inviting others with habits closer to mine into the space…

the (or at least one) bottom line is that Precious refuses to allow her best friends to even look into her room and she's never had a group of friends up here to the apartment, so there must be awareness of the anti-social and unhealthy living environment she creates (which tends to support the blatant disrespect with awareness {malice or forethought, even} as opposed to simple slovenly ignorance)… whatever the root cause, i can not give her the self-esteem, self-respect, sensitivity, or healthy habits... i can only make the results more obvious by ending my denial and waking up...

so i shall strive to continue my recent pattern of going out to meet more new people... hopefully i shall find new friends who might understand the living situation and bond with me in spite of it… hopefully i will find someone or a couple or few people who will spend some time with me, share cooking in this kitchen, maybe even sleep over… and i will maintain myself (body and behavior) and space in my way, healthier and respectful and sensitive and consciously physically aware and reactive... as a secondary result, hopefully my roommates will do a better job of cleaning up after themselves, realizing others are cooking in the kitchen and sitting in the living room…

hey, maybe i'm a dreamer… and hopefully, not the only one…

and the irony is...

Happy Birthday Shari