facebook

that's where i was all night... i nodded off a few minutes, then woke up again and checked email and found an invitation to facebook and so i went there and looked in on my account (yeah, i have a facebook too... years, actually... you expected any less?... only have one friend there though, remember Moo?... yes, diaryland Moo... i followed the love... blame her) there and started playing the movie trivia game and my longest correct answer streak is 31 in a row... yay me...

sleep?... maybe i'll lay down before midnight tonight...

P.S.

anybodfy our there check to see if my calendar link works for you on your computer?...

how about now?

i appreciate you taking the time to help me see things from your perspective... cuz if you can't see my calendar, then it's just for me and i might tired of it much more quickly... so i'll ask again if you missed this one too (i know i don't always make it easy for you :)

nite nite :)

redundancy rules

just so you don't feel left out, in case you are like me and want to absorb every word and yet don't always have time to follow every link, here's the recent return to myspace post that was posted over at myspace cuz i returned to post there (at myspace) recently... yeah, redundancy rules...

well here we are again, briefly, perhaps, but here in this myspace community that is so broad, diverse, and relative, perhaps the word community is not as appropriate for the online world as we seem to think it is based on it's usage... and yet, we share words and sounds and images and more and create our online persona, a you, a me, and in some way, a we... and we share interests and amusements and sadnesses and pains in personal and collective ways... and isn't that what we get out of community?...

so yes, ok, i have been absent of late...

i can show you what i've been doing that's kept me away from myspace, but then, you'd see that i have found time to babble on and post many entries since the last one here... i just have not made time to get in a myspace mood and come here to share words with you...

those of you who visit my daily babble (a blog at blogspot i call RealTime because it started as an attempt to consolidate my thoughts into semi-brief summaries of daily life in the hope that anyone who cared to know me might find out about the life i live offline and maybe even entertain thoughts of entering it, but it {the daily blog i call RealTime} turned into a babbling free-for-all, probably because the other babbling free-for-all {a diary i call behind the candoor because it started as a way to give anyone who was interested a window into the mind in which i usually find myself, as opposed to the heart, which had it's own diary called sleepwriting, but that may be a digression too many, if that hasn't already occurred already, ya uh-huh} kind of fell asleep too {the other babbling free-for-all, i mean} so RealTime kind of took an odd turn into a dream of becoming a human being and maybe even fitting in or belonging somewhere, but that may all just be a joke on me, after all, not to mention the new musical addition above), should already know that i've been remembering what life is like offline, social life, especially...

simply (as opposed to that complex parenthetic aside above), i've started using the meetup dot com website to connect with people offline... so for the past few weeks, or months, perhaps, i've been wandering out most every night to some sort of social gathering... one night it might be a trivia challenge at a barbecue joint... another night it might be a wine tasting at an upscale urban hang out... another night it might be a film, mainstream to old black and whites to avant garde to downright odd... another night it may be gathering at someone house or apartment to play board games... another night it might be a full-out party (themed or not) with great food and party favors and everything a party requires, especially fun people... another night might be an art gallery browse... or singing carols to sick kids in a hospital (that's this coming Sunday)... or watching artificial snow fall on a streets in a local community...
or listening to a lobbyist from Washington D.C... or a cruise... or a hike... or a visit to the theme parks... or simply dining out... or you name it, it's probably available on that site...

and then there's the company softball team that practices every thursday...

all in all, while we are not celebrating falling in love or anything so radical, i am definitely enjoying life offline more than i have in quite some time (six years on the night shift certainly did not help the social life)... and that is where i have been, i mean, in case you were concerned and did not know how to inquire about me...

if you miss my babbling, or my rhymes, or whatever it is i do hwre on myspace, i love you... i wish i could hug you to show you my appreciation for your attention and the words you leave here for me... i wish i could give you something that would inspire you to feel as good as i feel when i read your words online... and most of all, i wish we could come together someday in a social meeting or gathering that mutually is comfortable and enjoyable... i believe you are real... my heart and mind believe you are real... i'd love to prove it to my eyes and ears one day :)

so maybe i ought to just stop in here more often and leave a few words even when i do not have time to think through an entire entry... maybe i ought to share my briefer thoughts... thought the mundane has it's place (RealTime, remember?), there is still a myspace me that is not quite clearly defined, i think... and perhaps brief snippets of whatever is the way to go now as i don't seem to want to give up the offline socializing (or more sleep, which is coming less and less often these days), because i would really like to keep in touch with you...

my address and telephone number is in my profile and yes, it is for real and i welcome you to use either... feel free to prod me for attention as friends do when one friend is busy a lot... cuz it's important that we do that... to continue caring... to continue communicating... to continue connecting and expanding our connections and bringing more community to this world so maybe we, collectively as humans, will not go the way of the dinosaurs... or the Aztec, Mayan, or other past cultures, for that matter...

keep in touch, save the world :)

why does that remind me of save the cheerleader... I wonder amused and laughing at myself... maybe we do need another hero after all... or is it the bonding, the caring, the community we really need... perhaps we've come full circle...

you can find that schedule of events, gatherings, parties, and what-not, so to speak, on the sidebar on the right of the blogspot blog mentioned (and linked) above, the one i call RealTime... if you are local or visiting the area, i'd love you to come to one if you can...

and perhaps you will find me here more often, even if i don't have time to babble on like this... maybe i'll find some briefer thoughts and stuff you'll find worth stopping by to read and inspire me to visit your world (when i run out of time, i still try to visit you if you commented cuz your link is easy to find right there in comments and i love the conversations...

i hope you enjoy the music i added to this blog (it's not on auto-play, so you'll have to click the little play arrow if you want to hear it... it's music i love to listen to when i am sleepy as i appreciate the messages as much subliminally as i do consciously and the music is soothing... yay for music i can fall asleep to with a smile that grows in my sleep)… tomorrow night it's the Hard Rock Café for a benefit tribute to John Lennon… may you have something to do that you will enjoy as much…

thanks for waiting for me here... may your change of seasons and holidays be wonderfully wonder filled... may all your good dreams come true, or at least some of them... and may we keep in touch and share something real...

g'nite :)

some days pass quicker than others

yes, well, this is odd... I feel little of the usual compulsion to fill in the blanks of the past few days... whatever could that mean?... obviously, it is a major change, perhaps even an upheaval, and it seems to feel good so i'm going with it for the moment...

you may notice the new addition to the sidebar... while the things i am doing (calendar of events?) will continue to be updated way down at the bottom of the sidebar, the new addition is the current month's calendar right below the blogsite introduction at the top of e sidebar... and more, there are now (and intend to continue to be) links to the events and hopefully this blog takes a step closer to it's original intention, a way to keep in touch with people in real time (and not the babbling free-for-all that used to be kept behind the candoor (and probably belongs there)...

I hope to be back later with more updates on life in real time, but this suffices for the moment to keep the previous entry from being up so long that comments get confusing or dated or something like that... '

back in real time, even if it's not trademarked :)

hope life is fun in your world :)

if a million eyes can see...

and then, even as i am basking in the rush of emotion and music and words and thoughts and laughter and tears and memories and fun and hope, most of all hope exploding like a supernova meeting a black whole meeting a quasar meeting something even bigger and more powerful and sitting down to play a game of four handed bridge or something like that and laughing hysterically at the futility of attempting to put any meaningful control or even direction onto or into the power generated by such and meeting, or something like that, there is the tweaking process of adding the perfect song in the perfect place and removing a song that, after deeper listening, just does not fit, and even more than all that (as if that was not enough), there are the new people. musical people, or at least people who love music like me who have more skills in putting music on their pages, musical blogs, even…

ummmm, yeah... i am kinda ravished absorbed in and being swallowed by the whole new musical world (remembering my old musical world and the fragments remaining) and bubbling over with excitement and the old (and new) awe of the power of words and music (even though i am just still just only just scrating the surface), I mean, in case you were wondering what the beginning of this entry was about... ok?...

so there's gonna be a new sidebar section (yes, another one) where i shall link the peoples and blogs that have contributed some inspiration somehow (as opposed to the linking of the blog where the song came from that the player already does… yes, we're rambling on about the player again… hey, it's the new toy, dontcha wanna know all about it and play with it too?... yeah, well, there's always hope… anyway, somewhere down along the right sidebar you will find links to sites like who killed the mix tape and untitled records, two of the sites i visited while building the first playlist… who knows, maybe, as i know you're out there somewhere plays, i'll even find new friends, musical friends, maybe even nearby musical friends, and who knows where that might lead…

take deep breaths, i wouldn't want the excitement to overwhelm you…

I think i'll call the new section MUSICAL PEOPLE & BLOGS (he says as he returns from inserting the little section)… you have been doing your deep breathing, right?... i know, i could break the news a bit more slowly, but i'm out of control at the moment, i mean, the musical inspirations and techno-success has be bursting at the seams (and seems) and there's just no decorum available (unless you were here and reached out with serious eyes and pleaded with me to calm down and pay attention to something serious and then i'd find a way cuz that's what i do too, but since there are no serious eyes seeking any attention at all around me at the moment, i shall continue bursting…

and how appropriate, the bittersweetness of the bursting quasi approaching catharsis that comes from this process, the mixing of songs, the blending of melodies and tempos and most of all, words… yes, who killed the mix tape indeep…. I mean, indeed… but wow, in deep too… typos are amazing… like alien or elsewhere consciousnesses or god, maybe, if there is one or some, speaking through the slips of the fingers… the tears are so gonna start rolling as i spend some alone time with this process… and the music… and the words… and the dream that someone will understand what i mean and the dream that someone will share the profundity of the roller coaster once again and the bliss, the bursting bliss… i know you're out there somewhere… hey hey… hello… hello… can you come out to play?...

now i've got the feeling once again…

and just to show us just what can happen (or not happen, but there's always hope for something positive to happen and now, more than ever once again), i was compelled to says hello in a comment to the first new musical blogger i stumbled across (stumble!... remind me to click on the thumb for all the music blogs i come across, will ya?) and, well, you tell me… is there any chance of actually meeting people and making friends like this?... i mean this:

i love you...

i mean, hello...

i just discovered that i secretly had the ability to put music with a player and such in my blog (after years of blogging, no less) and the process lead me here to your blog and i am gonna do my best to visit and revisit and explore the music you write about... cuz music as i know it has been missing from life as i know it for a while and recently i am finding ways of helping it return and you are one of them so thank you...

yeah, i am usually this way...

anyway, thanks :)

yeah, so the hope remains eternal that by reaching out without censoring myself at all (or as little as possible cuz there is some sort of censor going on, at least sub or unconsciously, cuz isn't that what identifies each of us as an individual personality as opposed to generic words like in a greeting card or clone mannequin or some such meaningful profound thought that may or may not have come through in these particular words at this particular time… the excitement and anticipation and goofy dream-like bliss never gets old… not for me, at least… i'm just retarded or something like that… and loving every minute of it…

and the tweaking continues… i've rearranged a dozen songs so far this morning (the morning after)… i don't seem to have any control over the volume levels other than seeking another copy of the song that may have a more consistent volume… there was so much more control so many years ago when i used to make mix tapes with my cutting edge cassette deck (whatever happened to my four-track reel-to-reel, i wonder…) and equalizer and, ummm, turntable (remember turntables?)… i still don't feel old, in spite of the age of my first mix tapes… today is way too blissful for any sort of old feelings, except those old feelings that are blissful, even the bittersweet bliss is welcome today… and oh, the roller coaster ride we can build…

but back to the playlist, i see refinements are definitely necessary, especially between the segues from the dreamy beginning into the social conscious deeper challenges, losses, frustrations, and sorrows and then back into the optimism in spite of everything and renewed hope that any good catharsis brings… and this one has the potential, in spite of the limited access to the music i'd like to find… but i can search more and even upload some of my own to augment the available music and hopefully the musicians will see the respect and awe and bliss and reverence and appreciation and not mind my sharing the music cuz there are links to buy the music for every song and i'd love the renewed extra publicity for my music if i was trying to sell music…

can my very own musical blog be far behind?... if might be a little different, i mean, being that i would be writing it… unless, of course, it tried to conform a bit to the human forms of musical blogs… we shall see, but for today, i shall just continue as i am continuing with the newly born exploration of a whole new world of blogging that has been long neglected in my personal world…

I mean, if millions of eyes can see, why have i been so blind?...

ah, the deeper denials and repressions are giggling at me… or at least sticking their tongues out, cuz some might still scowl from time to time, i mean, why would i repress just pure giggles?... self-punishment?... retribution?... who said that?... omigosh, the peanut gallery is reawaking… and nobody here but me to see it… alas, the loneliness is suffocating, or would be, but i can stay awake just to hear me breathing, if i'm the only one… luckily, i've learned how to breath in the sudden vacuum of traumatic catharsis and other amazing life experiences… but i'm still trying to be human too, i mean, sorta…

i think i fell asleep right about here…

musical effects

look up! look up! I mean look up above this line and date… see the new thingy?... it's a media player… did you press the little arrow on the left?... is it playing?... isn't it sweet?... now you can spend hours here reading while you listen to the music… yes, there is that much music… almost seventy songs (gonna be seventy-five when the mix or set or playlist is done)… it's a soft sounding theme, Songs for Quiet Dreams… so it might put you to sleep… it is wonderful sleep music, for me, at least… so you can come visit me here and sleep with me… or with my blog, at least… you've been introduced, it's ok…

so can you imagine my excitement when i figured out how to make one of those (we're still talking about the Project Playlist music player up above there just below the subtitle… in case you weren't sure)?... and not only here, but on my myspace blog too… and i changed it's shape and formatting on my first try… most of the songs are core parts of my history and psyche, but a handful of new ones fitting in well make the whole project and listening experience all the more exciting for me…

i could probably drone on and on and on for hours about it…

and then, one of these days, maybe i'll make references to different songs as they play and maybe that'll give you more insight into the RealMe™ in the RealLife™ i live in RealTime™ and won't that be just what the blog doctor ordered up for this blog cuz the humanness of being real is the goal, isn't it?... I mean, humans are real, aren't they?... so music plays at two of my blogs now… well, it plays if you want it to… i made the player default to silence, or not autostart, cuz maybe you're at work or already listening to music or simply do not want to hear the music… autostart music when music isn't wanted can be a big turn off, right?... so no turn off here, you choose, you are in charge, the major honcho, the head cheese… if you want to hear music, you push the little arrow button on the left under the album cover picture… check that out, album cover pictures…

and you can skip the first few songs (or any song) if you've hear them already… it would be really cool if the player thing came with a code to remember you and start the player wherever you left off listening… a good geek could probably write a code for a cookie just like that… i'll throw the suggestion out into the cyber ether and maybe at the player site and maybe somebody will work on the feature… but anyway, you can just push on those little double arrow buttons (like fast forward to the next song or go back to the previous song… you've worked a tape player before, or a CD player, for that matter, haven't you?) and skip the songs you hear last time you were here until you get to the end of the playlist… when you've reached the end, probably sometime next year (unless you truly love music, or me, and just park your browser here at my blog and listen… i suppose if you're gonna sleep with me, you might do that… don't hog the covers, ok?)… anyway, sometime down the road, if you grow tired of the sleepy songs for quiet dreams playlist, i'll switch out for another playlist… i'm already working on a half dozen more…

i couldn't find all of the songs i'd have put on this playlist if i was making it from the perfect songs for this playlist in my head… you have to find the songs on the internet or upload them to a site that the playlist gadget can find and access… two of the songs come from my very own site, maybe you noticed them in a recent blog entry… can it get any more uber techno geekishly exciting?... well, i suppose it can, but around here, this is like the height of new knowledge for today…

yeah, i probably could drone on for hours about it…

meanwhile, just in case you got a rash, i mean, before you get any rash ideas or worries about life here at what used to be euphemistically (and ironically) called casa de candoor (remember those days?... i am determined to do something over there, there being btc, or behind the candoor at diaryland, before a full year of silence befalls the poor babblers haven… there, you see, i laid down the challenge, the gauntlet, the goal… do something over there to either wake it up or close it down before (i think it's February)… hopefully you'll all be please, or teary-eyed, even… i am…

yeah, so anyway, there was a blog in progress when that music player thingy entered my consciousness and blogs and rather than drone on and on and on and on and on for hours and hour and hours about the music player and playlist and individual songs and the merits of the choices and the effectiveness of the arrangement to provide the perfect or at least very effective representation of the title songs for quiet dreams and whatever else the player, playlist process, music, words, memories, and whatever else the player, playlist process, music, words, memories, and whatever else whatever else might inspire, i'll just mosey on along to the blog entry already in progress… ready, set, go…

well, the headphones i bought so i could listen to this laptop while sitting in the big green chair when the TV is on in the living room (which is most of the time Raspy and Precious are awake) work if i juggle the headphone jack on the laptop, but the laptop speakers do not turn off and i've found no way to turn them off so it defeats the purpose of listening silently to music… dumb set up for a multimedia laptop if you ask me… alas, it's still letting me relax in the big green chair and serves most purposes (even if some things don't seem to work, like the CD/DVD burner)… for now, it's good for my purposes…

meanwhile, remember my letter to the people who put on the concert that changed venues and cut the lead bands time?... well, i got a nice apology letter back and an offer for two free tickets to the concert of my choice at the location… cool, no?... so another concert for December is added to my getting-busier-by-the-minute night life… here's the next couple of weeks (though I think i'm skipping tomorrow):

Nov 23rd (Hard Rock) ALBUM: Abbey Road
Nov 24th (House of Blues) . . . Brand New, Thrice, mewithoutyou
Nov 25th (Cass. Library) . . . LOA Meetup
Nov 27th (Enzian) . . . Film Shorts Meetup
Nov 29th (Enzian) . . . I'm Not There
Nov 30th (HOB) . . . Collective Soul
Nov 30th (Central Park) . . . Miracle on 34th St
Dec 1st (Sanford) . . . House Party Meetup
Dec 1st (HOB) . . . Jimmy Eat World
Dec 4th (O'Boys) . . . Earth Trivia
Dec 22nd (Social) . . . Less Than Jake
Dec 29th (Downtown) . . . Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

most likely a bunch of meetups will be added in December, maybe another concert or show as well, though i don't think i'll be keeping up weeks like this one every week cuz i've gotta try to fit in exercise and sleep… and i do still work full time and may have to put in extra hours at any time in the next few months… but in spite of my lack of daily exercise lately and piling on some pounds again, i am more motivated to get out and find social life and people into my interests and philosophies and lifestyle than i have been in a long time, maybe since i first returned to florida in 2000… so yay for that attitude and so far, yay for the follow through and hopefully, yay for soon-to-come success…

someone (who shall remain nameless cuz i do know how to respect privacy even if i don't hide much, if anything myself) ask me if Precious and Rasputin read this blog… i dunno, they never mention the blog or the contents, but they definitely know about it cuz i sit here writing it in front of them and i talk about it now and then and it's linked prominently at my myspace and Precious has been there over the years… maybe it's lack of interest or respect for privacy or avoiding the issues or some other reason, but it seems to have little or no effect… i don't write anything here they don’t hear from me in verbal language from time to time and if it would help get this living space more welcoming for guests i'd wish they would read it more…

so that's the answer, as best as i can ponder it… people i work with know where to find me online as well and some of them are connected through myspace, but as i said i do respect privacy when people want it and most people want a lot of it, so i understand people known in the offline world not wanting to be too connected to my wide-open practically naked babbling reflections of every and anything that passes through this life i loosely call mine… i'm not gonna shove my blogs, my love of literary sharing, or my online worlds into anyone's faces, except z0tl and a couple of other folk who would think something was wrong in my head if i didn't beg and plead for attention and response on a regular basis… i wish people i knew in real life were into words more (and of course, ego would love it if i knew lots of people on and offline who loved my peculiar brand of babbling madness)… an interactive blog might be much fun with the right crazy people…

meanwhile… i'm just digging on the new sounds here at the blog… if you did (or do) have hours to spend here, did you notice the mini-roller coaster of emotional influence that the music (and words) rode (rides?)… there is a theme, you know… love love love, naturally, but the bubble of angst and frustration and touch of self-doubt and social conscience does add flavor to the otherwise sublime softness and optimism of the overall song choices and placements…

i'm doing it again, aren’t i?...

ok, it's time to let you just listen as you browse elsewhere or do whatever it is you wish to do on or offline… i hope the music inspires you to do something wonderful today… even if that is what i did the first time i listened, which was take a wonderfully peaceful nap… cuz love is real, ya know?... well, hopefully you know, even if you deny it (denial is human and did you notice me doing it recently?... i know, you were all sorts of polite and ignored the little tirade even though part of me feels i've wasted my time and energy if nobody comments on the words i painstakingly put together and upload, but am i getting the hang of this human trip or what?... ok, i'll stop, but i won't stop giggling)… and you do know (i hope) that i truly and deeply (and madly too) adore you for leaving a few words or smile or wave or long lingering in-depth commentary or random words, even… so i hope you enjoy listening and let me know what you think of the whole thing and individual songs too, if they move you to a word or few or even if you just like one or some…

see what happens when i take a few days off?... in between my long naps, i am finally finding a way to put music on my blogs the way i want it… not intrusive, your choice to turn it on or off, and lots to choose from… i might wind up with a few playlists and hundreds of songs to choose from if i can make that work… maybe even a music blog (another blog?) that actually lets you see and scroll through the playlist (i wanted it small and out of the way for starters here, so i changed the code to remove the scrolling playlist part… you still have the buttons to skip forward and back to see the other songs though)… i'm gonna listen through the whole playlist one of these days (when i'm done with the naps) and probably tweak the order and add the last few songs to make it seventy five songs… i know, too much excitement, i'll let it all sink in…

so whatever you did yesterday and whatever you are doing today, i hope it was much fun, healthy, and amazing for you… it sure was all that and more for me (though, ok, if could have definitely been more healthy, but hey, two out of three ain't bad, cha cha cha)… i hope someday you join me in the bliss of being human, or whatever i am… cuz it really is a wonderful life…

stranger and stranger

ok, so I uninstalled IE7 and all the plugins I installed along with it and all is well, much better, except for one thing... the top bar on blogger does not work... IE6 recognizes the links up there to sign in and such, but the "open" comment does not work when clicking on those links... I can click on comments and that opens and I can log in through comments, but not by clicking the "sign-in" link at the top bar of the blog... I can right click and open the sign in page in a new window though...

on the positive side, it seems much faster and the script errors and run time errors may be gone... and the wonkiness in the rendering of the html of the of the blog title is gone too... I shall explore myspace in a bit to see if the errors occur over there and whether the slowness and multiple click necessity is still happening, but the initial signs are quite hopeful and I am almost ready to blame microsoft for everything once again...

IE7 did it all, screwed up everything, Bill Gates is the luckiest person on Earth because if he had the slightest bit of real competition, he'd have been out of business before her ever was even heard of... selling a product that crashes and simply does not work should be illegal, but capitalism makes criminals of us all...

oh yeah, he gives it away for free... that makes it all right then... right... anyway, before I get too far into the happy dance, I shall wander around my usual rounds and see what happens... and thank you thank you thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions...

well, so far it's YA YA YA YAY YAY YAY YAY and more YAYs...

yes, speed is good, just like at work... windows open in a blink, everything works great, no error messages, hip hip hooray for starting over... now if only the dign in link would work, but then, I can live with one anomalous glitch...

I think i shall sleep now, cuz it's time :)

nite nite

and Happy Birthday John :)

the pondering returns (sorta)

perhaps, or is that wishful thinking in the title… and is that what is needed, I wonder… does my pondering truly lead to positive changes as I think I believe or is it just a deeper way of procrastinating and avoiding necessary changes, which, in the end, is more a negative outcome, or at least a null equation… maybe life is meant to result in zero… ultimate balance as opposed to the human illusion of progress (which is so often more destructive than productive, after all)… like we can ask will hydrogen cars really be progress or just another way to kill ourselves…

as usual, Raspy's asleep in front of the TV with the remote in his crotch and some infomercial is blaring away… he coughs and I ask him if he's awake and wants to see what else is on, he pushes the button to change to another infomercial and passes out again, remote still nestled up against his penis… maybe I should just buy another remote and keep it by the big green chair… or better yet, headphones for the music on the laptop (though the headphone jack could use some soldering as it's loose, though it works as long as it doesn't move around)…

the laptop is having all sorts of problems over at myspace, mostly, but not just there… however there it was enough so that I wrote the myspace support a couple of emails and gave up on the site without even checking my comments or messages… script errors and login errors and RunTime errors and wasting way too much time… I hope it's not the new laptop… something is going on with the laptop though cuz the volume control no longer works and the control panel will no longer open… I hope it's not a virus or something serious… I'm gonna have to shut down and reboot, I think, but that almost never happens at work with XP, so I'm wondering what the difference is… does browsing the web in Windows use up too much memory even with 1GB of memory and require a reboot?... if that's so, Microsoft sucks, again… or maybe Yahoo Messenger sucked up memory being open all night?... I closed that too… if that's so, Yahoo sucks too…

why can't computers just WORK?...

MIQ . . . MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION... MIQ

…this is a test of the most important question system… if this was a real most important questions, you would be asked to turn to another page and read the most important question in a less distracting environment… if this was a more high tech blog, this would scroll across the screen, and probably not be so babbly, but you know where you are and who I am, so let's get on with the test, aye?...

MIQ

maybe there are too many processes running in the background… anybody know the best way to check up on such stuff and get a computer running as efficiently (and safely) as possible?)…

…this has been a test of the most important question system… maybe it's not just a test, actually, especially not if you can help... anyway, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog...

some more specific techie details can be found in the previous entry and I know you're gonna go read it and respond or find out from techies you know if you don't know cuz there are techies and super techies and amazing know-everything techies and and I may need the latter, but I'm open to any help I can get…

I switched to Firefox and still had the same problems, so I'm tapping the keys here instead of exploring the web and searching for all the stuff I search for in my aimless random way… wait, volume control is back now… but nothing in the control panel works… maybe if I disconnect from the web for a moment or few… just in case it's some sort of outside attack in spite of the Firewalls and whatever else… no immediate change in the control panel being broken… maybe I simply made a mistake in buying a used computer and should have thought about it some more and spent three times this for a decent new laptop… my brain is suggesting I do that anyway and call this one a write off, but here we are again at that question… will a new XP machine run any better for me than this one… maybe it's just my usage habits that ask too much of any ordinary Microsoft computer… or any computer made these days…

what, browsing the web including myspace for twenty-four consecutive hours while downloading hundreds of files while writing several Word documents while keeping email open while checking out other programs while changing control panel options for IE7 while comparing site appearances in Firefox while burning a CD while whatever and promising her anything but giving her Arpege and dancing in the dark is too much to ask of a modern day computer?...

I think it's time to eat…

yup, it was… the vegetarian in me must be locked up in the closet with the budget director as I broiled a steak (Delmonico) and ate it with salad and broccoli and ice cream and mousse and down that road of decadence and weight gain I travel again this week (it's been how many days since I ran?... not all this week with the computer shopping and concerts taking all my evening time… I have never been quiet so inconsistent in my habits as I've been this decade… it may be (for another entry, I suppose) the remnants of the damage done in the last intimate interactions with humans have left me more disrupted than I originally thought, or perhaps it's the time alone lingering in hunger for intimacy might cause gradual deterioration in the focus on health and positivity and hope and consistency…

I look outside myself for inspiration, for support, for assistance, for help, for guidance, for someone to care enough to step into my world and clean up and take my hand and lead me to somewhere new and more positive than where I've been lately to renew my hope in humanity and extend my belief in sharing love and intimacy in this life again… and years of finding nothing of the sort has worn away much of the will to continue…

I look inside myself to find the same happy child who needs nothing but momentary experiences and sustenance and love most of all just wants to enjoy being and have fun… sharing such perspective and experience is the most fun of all, but if the sharing doesn't happen it's sad for the world… the child inside still enjoys being in the moment and exploring the fun that is happening inside and out…

so I feel sadness that sharing does not happen the way I know it can and I cry for the human wasteland we collectively create with the lives we live these days… and I sigh to accept my part in it as a visitor to this life… my choice to travel through and observe, rather than take a lead, may add to the malaise that becomes collective suicide for the species… it may be too late to change the decision, the habit, the process… there may not be enough time, even if I wanted to…

I have remained uncommitted to any specific lifestyle for so long, waiting for a partner just as uncommitted to choose with me a specific lifestyle or to chose with me to explore different perspectives and lifestyles, as we wish… and whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong, this was and is the choice I felt and feel is best for me for I know myself and my will/power/strength and do not want to be set in ways that might (probably would) dominate a relationship… the results, however, have been to experience a very few relationships that were mostly volatile and possibly destructive, but certainly paused (ended?) indefinitely… and the love I experience inside goes on to dream in words and share in professional ways and care for others who do not care for themselves too well… it is satisfying on many levels, but the personal depths remain unshared, even in words, as I mostly babble on about daily life and random abstractions these days…

more and more this decade, I leave myself behind…

perhaps that youth fading from this body, a natural process I am accepting with increasing complacency… perhaps, like this laptop, there is not enough memory (as the third Word document simultaneously opened has produced a message that there is not enough memory to perform a specific operation… maybe it's Word 2007 being unregistered that's sabotaging the system?... now IE7 will not open and the system has slowed to a crawl even with everything else closed… is this what XP is about, just another crappy Microsoft OS?... why spend thousands on a system if it's the same crap I have on my 32MB machine?) or time is wearing down the physical components, perhaps overheating is burning out enough brain cells to produce limitations on consciousness, perspective, and ability that were never experienced when this body (or laptop) was new… ah, so the two major discussions (monologs) in this entry are tied together in the end…

is this the end? :)

techie talk (please help?)

37 processes running at the moment, including this notepad, but this notepad is the ONLY program open that I am using... two instances of iexplore are running, yet no browser windows are open... nothing is open except this notepad and the Windows Task Manager... how to copy the processes running, is there a report I can print to file or cut and paste?... do I need a system analyzer to figure out why so many processes are running even though no applications are running except this notepad?... who knows the answers?...

the Performance tab says... 633 MB of page file usage, whatever that means...

Totals
Handles 11113
Threads 446
Processes 37

Commit Charge (K)
Total 647284
Limit 2523088
Peak 994804

Physical Memory (K)
Total 1045996
Avail. 627400
Cache 387300

Kernel Memory (K)
Total 65068
Paged 43844
NonPaged 21220

what's all that means?... Networking tab says Local Area Connection 0% Network Usage, Speed 100 Mbps... Operational... User is Panda, the name that this laptop defaults to... I am going to end some processes now to see what that does... starting with iexplore.exe... I got the warning that it could cause system instability and not allow the process to save whatever it's doing, but what is it doing when there's no windows open?...
and the next iexplore.exe will be closed now... same warning, no change... the only one using CPU is "System Idle Process" and it is using 99... does that mean it is using 99% of the CPU?... it is just 16K Mem Usage... I am going to try shutting that down now... the message said operation could not be completed. the operation is not valid for this process... is that what has slowed the system down and stopped stuff from working?... is it malware or something wrong?... there are still 34 processes besides this notepad running... I can identify maybe half of them... I think I'm gonna take this laptop into a geek squad place and see how much they want for a check up or just at least to tell me what all these processes are...

I tried to run Spybot, but the computer will not let it run... the System Idle Process seems to be sucking all the CPU... let's look at the processes running...

there's Ymsgr_tray.exe which I figure is the Systray icon for the Yahoo Messenger I installed which stays there even when the program is closed... Panda is the User Name...

iPodService.exe, AppleMobileDeviseService.exe, iTunesHelper.exe, are probably related to the iTunes program, but why they are running, I do not know... SYSTEM is the User Name... collectively they are using about 17,000 K memory...

ApntEx.exe, no idea... Panda is the User Name...

explore.exe is the OS, I think... Panda is the User Name... it is using 22,000+ memory...

TeaTimer.exe is the Spybot monitoring program I know about... Panda is the User Name... it's using 40,000+ K memory...

dna.exe I have seen it somewhere, but not sure where or why it is running... Panda is the User Name...

apdproxy.exe... no idea... Panda is the User Name...

ctfmon.exe... I remember it, but not sure... Panda is the User Name...

spoolsv.exe... no idea... Panda is the User Name...

Apoint.exe, I recall seeing it somewhere, but not sure where or why it is running... Panda is the User Name...

svchost.exe is running six instances... I believe it is needed for DSL connection, but six instances seems wrong...
LOCAL SERVICE is the User name for one instance and NETWORK SERVICE is the User name for two of the services and SYSTEM is the User name for the other three... this is puzzling..alg.exe is unknown, but it is the only other LOCAL SERVICE User Name... they are using different amounts of memory, from 35,244 at a high to 4,468 as a low...

realsched.exe sounds like it is something to do with Real software (and just mentioning it here seems to have moved it to the top of the list of processes... or perhaps it is a coincidence... very odd)...

wuauclt.exe just moved up to the top of the list and now there are 37 processes running again including this notepad... it seems to me that something is going on that should not be...

HydraDM.exe, atiptxx.exe, ati2evxx.exe are probably processes related to the ATI video card, I think... Panda is the User Name...

wscntfy.exe sounds like it is some program that notifies someone about something... it's gonna be one I remove to see what happens after I finish listing them all... and after rebooting, I'm gonna run Spybot to see what it can tell me about all these processes and turn off as many as possible...

Spybot.exe is Spybot, though it is not running and lists at 27,040 K memory usage...

Isass.exe is unknown, SYSTEM is the User Name...

services.exe is unknown, SYSTEM is the User Name...

winlogon.exe must be what it sounds like, SYSTEM is the User Name...

crss.exe, unknown, SYSTEM is the User Name...

smss.exe, unknown, SYSTEM is the User Name...

slserve.exe sounds like it might have something to do with DSL, but unknown and SYSTEM is the User Name...

mdm.exe I recall seeing, but do not remember where or why, SYSTEM is the User Name...

taskmgr.exe is the Windows task manager, I guess... Panda is the User Name...

notepad.exe is this...

System is unknown, SYSTEM is the User Name...

System Idle Process is last and the only one using more than an occasional 01 CPU... it could be as simple as the Windows Task Manager monitoring the idle status of the CPU... and now that I listed them all, I shall start ending some...

starting with wscntfy.exe... ah, the pop up "Your computer may be at risk popped up telling me that Antivirus software is not installed" at the moment I ended that process... it also popped up and started itself at the top of the list... and realsched.exe popped up right above it a moment later... ok, I'm shutting down and then running Spybot...

and so, now, a few shut downs and two run throughs of Spybot later, including deleting several things from the start up folder and disabling a few others and tweaking a few other features, the results are 160 PF Usage and 28 processes running, including this notepad, windows task manager, and six of that svchost.exe file, which is very strange... unless each port needs one of those running... anyway, I'm gonna plug in the Ethernet cable not and see what happens... ... just a blink and the laptop is connected... there was an scvhost.exe at the top of the process list and that is what blinked...

the rest of the numbers look like this:

Totals
Handles 5315
Threads 341
Processes 29

Commit Charge (K)
Total 172692
Limit 2523088
Peak 176800

Physical Memory (K)
Total 1045996
Avail. 773378
Cache 231360

Kernel Memory (K)
Total 46548
Paged 28288
NonPaged 18284

the Performance tab has two windows for CPU usage, so maybe it does have two CPUs... or maybe a Pentium 4 is
hyper threaded and appears as two... am I on the verge of starting a techie blog?... very amateur and begging for information, if I did, so I won't, since the only people who read me regularly are right here, after all (I don't think anybody who reads me at MySpace have much techie background, but then, I could be wrong, but then, MySpace is more for creative stage presentation and not intended to be as personal or as interactive...

so there are the numbers and the information from the System Manager... unfortunately, the Runtime errors continue, which suggests that it is either IE7 or one of the plug-ins I installed, like IE7Pro, which sucks because I'm not sure what to do to fix it except maybe try to uninstall IE7 and the rest of the plug ins and reinstall IE6 and hope the script error pop ups and Runtime error pop ups go away...

cuz so far, this laptop is losing it's fun real fast...

maybe it is time to chuck it and go to the Mac...

wish I had techie friends to help... are you techie friends who can help?... maybe I do not have to accept the $350 loss and junk this laptop?... there's always hope...

processing

and so we continue the computer explorations, now posting back in RealTime™ as it were, I spent most of today glancing up at the TV to watch a few plays of college football games while staying mostly focused on exploring this laptop, searching for software and drivers, installing and exploring software, and writing these entries… I installed Office 2007, Access and FrontPage 2000 (cuz the Office 2007 was the Small Business edition which doesn't have those two), Spybot, Quicktime, Adobe, and updates for a half dozen programs already on the laptop, not to mention dozens of Windows and other microsoft updates…

one thing I noticed is that IE7 seems to cut off the top header of the blogger page... not the blogger bar, but the title of my page... sucks, but I can ignore the esthetic anomaly and hope blogger fixes their code... I almost fixed it, I think… I haven't figured out how to get the links back into the title of the page and the entry titles though… whether those are IE7 bugs or simply blogger not keeping up with IE7 compatibility, time may tell…

I have Firefox to play with on this laptop, but it's pretty much the same as IE7 as far as I can see… and both have very similar plug-in modules with similar extra features… I have the local weather on the status bar… I think I have the camera working, but not the TV Tuner (it still may be an external module he didn't find or have in the first place, though I have Aver TV software too)… the CD writer works… I have a program called ISO Buster that I think helps copy CDs… and I have a program called Registry Booster that tells me there are a few hundred Registry errors, but it'll only fix or clean them if I pay for the software… I remember cleaning the registry myself on the other computer… I'd have thought that XP would do that itself, since the Registry is so important and all…

I don't IM at all yet, will check into it and I definitely need a Virus program (I was just asking Rasputin if he wanted to share the cost of a multi-user license)... I have BitTorrent, but I'm not sure just how to use it yet… and something called Soulseek, which I think is similar… then there's FL Studio 6, which makes and mixes music… again, most of these are Demo versions past their evaluation period, so I don't know what features might still work…

as I may have mentioned, I was bummed to find that Office 2007 verifies product ID Codes on the web, so I can only use it 25 times (then I'll uninstall and reinstall and see if that's a work-around)... unless there's another fix I don't know about... whatever happened to those warez sites with keys and stuff like that?... I was all jazzed about having Office 2007 cuz it's on my computer at work... what else do I need?... what else do I not need but is fun to have?... what else do I not need and nobody cares about, but I (and maybe only I) would think is fun?... so much to explore, so much to learn, so little time (or money, for that matter)…

so since we're catching up, maybe you are wondering why it took so long to get these entries written (not to mention get time to play with my new toy – and not even getting to the Mac yet)… Tuesday night, the last time I was writing, I went to see Rilo Kiley as I mentioned in the entry back then… excellent… I bought the CDs for all the bands and already put them on my work computer (which has finally been introduced to music)… did I cover all this in my Friday morning entry?... the week is a blur… Wednesday evening I picked up the Mac and monitor, which took hours driving in rush hour traffic, but then, that's the day shift life so normal and accepted by so many… am I becoming normal?...

Thursday night I passed out in the big green chair for the first time, which is why I woke early on Friday and wrote an entry… Friday evening was the Dashboard Confessional concert… he was good and a couple of his band mates joined him for some songs… the first two groups were not bad either, though I didn't get a chance to go upstairs to pick up their CDs as Dashboard always sells out and the place was packed, so getting a good viewing position and staying in it is important…

and we come to today… the work week was full as the beginning of the month has several reports due and on top of that I was helping others with their work… the business office needs a heck of a lot of help to get their act together… I spent a couple of hours teaching them Excel so they could put together a spreadsheet for an government report…

around here, the farts continue, tonight being an exceptionally gaseous one as Rasputin has been parked on the couch for at least seventeen hours sleeping, farting, and watching TV… now that Precious started driving (though as yet without insurance as Raspy is dragging his feet about putting her on his policy), she runs the errands to the stores for Pepsi and fast food, tonight it was Wendy's… I, on the other hand, went out food shopping after the concert last night, so I had homemade pizza and ice cream and all sorts of goodies… so I cooked up food and indulged my taste buds (ah, pizza, chocolate, snacks, ice cream, yum) while I enjoyed a day of techno-exploring…

lonely, sure, always, almost, mostly… but the mind is full of new information, so joy is plentiful… there were profound thoughts passing through the day as well, but the writing never seemed to be happening at those moments, so this is what you get… so much chatter dancing through my head, so much pleasure passing through my mind, the chatter of voices of infinite perspectives, the pleasure of being aware of being conscious of being alive in the moment… so much joy and sorrow bursting from my heart, so much passion and bliss radiating from and embracing my soul, joy I the love I feel, I know, I share, sorrow in the emptiness I fell and known and share with humanity, the passion of experiencing the physical senses of this life, the bliss of feeling part of everything in an infinite unknown universe… so much energy vibrating my spirit that there is no rest in this life, only the activity of life, from the mitochondria running kreb cycles within to the body movements that the muscles demand, from the sub atomic space to the infinite space, both beyond our current knowledge but not beyond the senses of a spirit open to it all…

and now, as the morning approaches, there is V for Vendetta on the toob… a beautiful balance between powerful philosophy, historic literature, moral imperative, righteous cause, misunderstood hero, and adorable sensuality… so I can dream of sharing a better, fairer, more beautiful world with the likes of Natalie Portman's character, or someone of equivalent vulnerability, passion, inner strength, honest doubt, innocence, loyalty, idealism, fitness, and sensuality…

there are no coincidences, only the illusion of coincidence…

nite nite my friends, enjoy yourselves :)

transitions

I still have one more day of work (and then a concert tonight) before I can start the party on the new computers (heck, the Mac and new 21" monitor are not even hooked up yet)... it's been a busy week... much to do at work what with most reports for my actual job are due the first ten days of the month and there's still a lot of the data job I am still covering as the clinical services director has until the end of October to have all the stuff moved over to her department... and the evenings have been mostly driving around in traffic to visit people who have computer stuff for sale...

and the login process on this new laptop (yes, I am sitting in the big green chair with the laptop) is not smooth yet as I seem to be logging in as the previous owner (I think he was the only user and I've got to learn more about XP so I can eliminate his user data without a complete reformatting of the hard drive cuz I don't have an OS to install and I want to keep the programs he has on here to explore them and he has a lot of music too)... and it doesn't have an anti-virus yet, so I probably should be careful wandering around the web, right? (where are the techie experts when I need them?... Mr. z, paging Mr. z... Q?...

anybody know more about all this stuff than I do?... see, when on the old computer on WIN98 (which nobody bothers much anymore), I didn't care much about protection cuz WIN98 was hardly a target, but XP is another story and I want to get virus protection (so do I spend $100+ to get protection for multiple computers since we have five in the house now... wait, the Mac probably has a different software and probably doesn't need it as much... or are the free virus scan programs just as good as the top line name brand "security suites"... and how much does Norton or what's-their-name actually slow down a system and is the slow down really worth it... and what about incompatibilities?... see why I stayed on the old machine so long, all these questions about protecting an investment... imagine if I spent $2000 on a brand new machine instead of a few hundred on this one... I'd be paralyzed with unanswered questions... stop laughing so hard, you'll hurt yourself)...

I installed Spybot... I like Spybot... it's smallish, runs in the background mostly, and seems to do a great job of blocking crap I don't want without interfering with or slowing down anything... in fact, it's already run in the background while I was typing this and I didn't even notice... and now I am trying out the Run Analyzer program the same guy (who is now kind of a team) created and it's running in the background as I type... no slow down... I am not sure if it pauses when I type or it I am supposed to let the computer be when it runs (I haven't found any instructions... wow, talk about earning trust, aye?), but it's doing something cuz the hard drive is spinning and the console says it's checking servers or something... wonder if I have to give it permission (cookies are off, I allow cookies site by site)... and it's free... I think the guy who wrote the program deserves a Nobel prize for being a good guy or something... and to think, he did it all for love... I really would like to meet him and be his friend...

anyway...

yet I made it... I am logged in here to my blogger account and typing this entry... I know I have a couple of days of entries backlogged to upload when I can, probably after the concert tonight, but for now, this is a new beginning, the transition from ancient to old, with just enough newish to be considered acceptable in the modern day computer world... perhaps you can stop stressing over my lack of ability to enjoy youtubes and other videos and stuff now, aye? :)

it is time for a shower so I don't stink at the concert tonight since I am not sure if I will have time to shower between work and the concert and though I showered last night, I figure an extra shower is a good thing, especially when sitting at a desk tyiping for much of the day cuz that tends to increase the potential for under arm rot (ok, so not quite rot, but funkiness happens in less than a day even with the best of deodorants and when packed into a concert floor like happy little music-loving sardines, body odor is a bummer, ya know?)...

tonight and this weekend I hope to explore this new laptop and hook up the new Mac and monitor and whine over not having enough time to play with everything as much as I would like and generally have just too much fun to be contained in words or any simple human form... you are welcome to join me, in spirit or however...

and now, to start another long day of work and play...

hope yours is fun too :)

continuing along the computer path

continuing the catch up and filling in entries with the babble about the new computers, I still haven't hooked up the new 21" monitor and Mac yet because this (Saturday) was the first day this week I had time to sit back and explore the laptop in depth and I'm still doing that… I installed enough software to drop the free memory down to 22.9 GB (how did I find 7 GB of software to install?... I think maybe most of Office did not uninstall… wiping the drive and reinstalling the OS would be wise, I suppose, if I had the OS disk, but since I don't, I won't and then I don't have to find time to search and find and reinstall all the software that was on the machine when I bought it…

so catching up on the week and computers, like I was saying in comments, Spybot is always on my computers, though I found Adaware to be problematic when I used to use it years ago... IE7 has ad protection and that is boosted by IE7Pro, a plug in I found... I installed a bunch of other plug ins from the IE7 site and they do interesting things, but they are too new to my brain to tell you about them... though one sort of checks spelling in IE, like here in the comment box, which is cool once I figure out how to use it... I also found a plug-in that is supposed to let me download YouTube and MySpace and other videos, which is fun...

I checked out that link about security and found this:

Preliminary Internet connection refused!
This is extremely favorable for your system's overall Windows File and Printer Sharing security. Most Windows systems, with the Network Neighborhood installed, hold the NetBIOS port 139 wide open to solicit connections from all passing traffic. Either this system has closed this usually-open port, or some equipment or software such as a "firewall" is preventing external connection and has firmly closed the dangerous port 139 to all passersby. (Congratulations!)

Preliminary Internet connection refused!
This is extremely favorable for your system's overall Windows File and Printer Sharing security. Most Windows systems, with the Network Neighborhood installed, hold the NetBIOS port 139 wide open to solicit connections from all passing traffic. Either this system has closed this usually-open port, or some equipment or software such as a "firewall" is preventing external connection and has firmly closed the dangerous port 139 to all passersby. (Congratulations!)

yay!... maybe I know what I'm doing, aye?... but before we go congratulating me, let's see what the rest of the tests tell us:

GRC Port Authority Report created on UTC: 2007-10-07 at 06:35:11

Results from scan of ports: 0, 21-23, 25, 79, 80, 110, 113, 119, 135, 139, 143, 389, 443, 445, 1002, 1024-1030, 1720, 5000

0 Ports Open
25 Ports Closed
1 Ports Stealth
---------------------
26 Ports Tested

NO PORTS were found to be OPEN.
The port found to be STEALTH was: 25
Other than what is listed above, all ports are CLOSED.
TruStealth: FAILED - NOT all tested ports were STEALTH, NO unsolicited packets were received, A PING REPLY (ICMP Echo) WAS RECEIVED.

well, the "allow ICMP echo" box is checked and grayed out in Windows Firewall and I don't know how to fix that… apparently the same is set on the DSL firewall… so a hacker could use more invasive techniques to get through the firewalls, but at least the ports are all closed to ordinary legal queries… the pop up blocker works well and the IE7 security is set to high, so only sites I allow in get in… I might explore more serious protection if this computer cost thousands or if I had any financial or seriously private info on here, but I don't and even my birth date and other questions asked by websites is usually bogus cuz I know how identity theft works and it shouldn't be as easy as it is…

so I think all I need is a virus program and after the next entry (isn't time strange?) I should be able to get one from our dear sandeeeggo connection now that I hooked up a file transfer program… I still need to explore and decide on the best (for me) programs for audio and video and FTP and such, so if anybody knows anything about any of this, like:

what's the best music player around now?

what I've got is Windows Media Player, iTunes, Real Player, RealTek, and Quicktime

what's the best image browser around now?

I really liked ASeeDSee (or something like that) way back in the in 90's… I have Adobe Photoshop Starterm though I haven't checked it out yet… ideas?

what's the best image editor around now?

same as above, though AseeDsee was limited in how much it could do…

what's the best CD copier now?

I think I have an older version of Roxio around somewhere… and Nero too… I remember Roxio being simpler to use, but maybe Nero had more features… there are others I remember too…

what's the best DVD copier around now?

again, besides the standard ones, I have VLC Media Player…

what's the best decrypter around now?

I have DVDFab Decryper, but never used one of these, so I'm open to suggestions…

what's the best FTP program around now?

I have a couple of old ones… I forget what they are called, but I remember a favorite back in the 90's…

what's the best movie player around now?

yeah, anything better than the usual?...

what's the best file browser around now?

I remember one that eliminated duplicate files that was handy… and another that batch renamed files and another that had other helpful features… so many to choose from as alternatives to Windows Explorer, which has few features… I have Directory Opus, though it's probably the demo version ling expired…

what else?...

tell me everything you know, everybody and send me everything you've got in links or files or CDs or whatever, cuz you love me, right?... codes and keys and activation stuff would be most helpful too cuz I'm not looking to spend much on software at the moment… I wonder if this entry will even get noticed by anybody but you few dear souls who actually pay attention to me online… I'm open and hopeful for much information :)

perfection is such an elusive fish

technically, this (and the other entries uploaded tonight) was written Saturday cuz it was that busy a week, but we'll just put it here to see how well you are paying attention, nyuk nyuk....

ok, this is doable… the big green chair is getting old, so it doesn't sit up well anymore once the footrest is extended, but with a half dozen or so pillows I can prop myself up and sit up comfortably with the footrest up… and because the screen is 17 inches, I turned the chair a foot to the left so I can see the TV just past the right side of the screen… and since I'm not a fan of touchpads, I connected my ball mouse and it sits nicely on the arm of the big green chair… and there are two tables to the right and one to the left for stuff (mail, papers, drinks, snacks, CDs, etc… so yes, for the first time since the purchases, I am feeling comfortable at home with my new old laptop…

the pros start and mostly stay with price at $350 for this machine, though I was generous with the kid just cuz I am a generous sort and the kid needed to pay rent and get his life together… it's got a 2004 sticker on the bottom, though the oldest files are 2003… the system manufacturer is listed as Midern sag168168, model D400VD470V… it lists two processors, x86 Family 15 Model 2 Stepping 9 GenuineIntel ~3200Mhz, but I think that's a glitch in the system information software as it lists two of a lot of things and I am sure there's only one connected… weird… the BIOS is Phoenix 4.06, 12/16/2003… it's name is Amy, because 12/16 is Amy's birthday… so sentimental, aren't I?...

at the moment, with Outlook Express, Explorer, a couple of IE7 windows, a notepad, a document and system information window open (not to mention a bunch of background stuff running), it's got 541.05 MB of available physical memory out of 1024 MB and there's 2.0 GB total virtual memory and 2.41 GB page file space.. a far cry from the 64 MB total RAM and 10 GB total hard drive I'm used to…

it's got a Toshiba DVD-ROM (SD-R6112) according to system information, but the thing burns CDs fine (yes, already burned a copy of Office 07 for experimentation and giggles) and probably does DVDs fine too as there are a couple of DVD burning programs on the machine) , a 60 GB (23.33 GB free, though it was 30 GB free before I started messing with installing Office 2007 and Access 2000 and IE7 and the plug ins and stuff and didn't seem to reclaim much space after I uninstalled all of Office 2007 except Word, but that's still ok for me… 10 GB of the drive is mp3 files… it's got five different slots for cards of different sizes and shapes, a couple of USB ports, Ethernet (which is how I am connected to the net)… it's supposed to have a camera and TV tuner, but I haven't gotten them to work and the drivers are not installed and I think they might be accessories the kid either forgot about or never got cuz here said he never used them… but it serves my purposes as a semi-portable (it weighs a ton and runs too hot to sit on a lap for long, luckily I have a lap fan… who remembers the vintage days of the lap fan?... or the funny mini-cooper ads I mentioned which were even odder than the current ad by these guys, for that matter, but I digress… and you digress even more if you followed all those links) word processor and internet browser and media player…

unfortunately, I've already used five of the twenty five lives that this copy of Word has due to installing programs and needing to restart the computer… I may have installed crap, but heck, how else to learn without hours and days of searching the web for discussions and forums for information… and then there are the Windows updates that seem numerous as Microsoft is always fixing their never quite right software… maybe I should have looked for a Mac laptop, aye?... yeah, first I'll play with the Mac tower and get spoiled before I give up on MS completely… I could just use my copy to reinstall 07 every now and then if it lets me, but then, all the defaults I like (and the reason I like using a word processor) would have to be reset… and I'll probably either install office 2000 or look for a decent Word processor with a spell checker to write in… and then there's the keyboard to get used to what with some keys in odd places…

yeah, perfection is such an elusive fish…

all in all, it's wonderful :)

in my experience

am I just too intense (here we go with the too this and too that questions again, aye?... I wonder if starting out with a sardonic smile inspires your sardonic smile or more a rolling of your eyes, a sigh of impatience, and/or even a turning away... ah, the turning away... two songs play through my mind... I watch people and wonder and so rarely does anyone actually respond to what I am thinking... or actually saying, for that matter... I see too much perhaps... and when nothing {humans do} seems to make sense... still, it {being alive} turns me on)...

here, maybe this will help: one two

I suppose I could have mentioned this or that, but I should try not to let my mind (or fingers) wander too much if I really want understanding and not playful confusion (but in the absense of understanding, what else is there to do?... shhhh, if they don't understand, they won't get the jokes and might find reason to be offended in their fears and they'll undermine the purpose... what purpose?... must there always be a purpose?... maybe I should read the right sidebar {as if there's a left sidebar?... now that would be confusing... unless this is it... oh stop}... ok)...

what I started to say before I so irreverently interrupted myself was, something about my experience... a generalized sense of my experience in this life has been pondering through my brain (some might say plaguing my babble, I suppose) of late and the specifics are so rarely expressed in words because words muck up the understanding of the specific experiences that lead to the generalized feeling...

so too often it comes out as lament, whining, sour grapes, or some other blues... I didn't link to those specific paths through my written gardens this time, which is a sign of something, less desperation for attention, perhaps, or more acceptance of the way things are, whatever that means)...

I wonder what I am doing here from time to time... these days, more often the question comes around with no satisfactory answer... in life, I am here to help others because helping others feels good, because I can, and because that's usually all there is to do in my experience... in the moment, I am here to write what is on my mind to understand myself and to share myself with anyone who cares about me or anyone who might care about me if they stumble upon the words I leave out here on the web...

the natural progression of the questions can lead to what else might I be doing? and could I be doing anything else that might satisfy me more... what other ways might I be sharing or attempting to share... online, perhaps a specific community website with message boards or chat would work to expand my contacts and bring me what I want most, more contact in the physical world, more activity partners, hugable friends, and eventually, intimacy... ideally, someone who relates to the world and the experience of being alive the way I do... a best friend not so much by choice, but by symmetry, synchronicity, and sympatico...

maybe sitting in a cafe or a bookstore or somewhere would help, but then, I don't way to hang out around food or drugs and as far as I know, Orlando is truly lacking in interesting bookstores or meeting places... I search the web and find stuff like this, but how to search for actually places where people might sit and meet... mostly I find businesses that do not encourage loitering... or classifieds that turn into swingers sites...

then there's the age issue... I live in a college and bedroom community area... most of the people I find in bookstores and pizza places and cafe places and bars and anywhere people meet are undergrad college students... single people over thirty just don't seem to hang out much in this area unless they are out drinking or dancing (which is in bars where drinking is normal)... I'm not looking for someone who drinks (or smokes), so going to places that serve alcohol as their primary commodity does not appeal to me... for years I practically live at the clubs downtown and enjoyed the exercise and the energy, but tired of the shallowness and people on crutches... and as the years pass, the ageism ingrained in our culture even more than religion creates even less opportunity for meaningful connections...

but then there's a deeper story that does not fit into words... so why come here so often... to hide away?... to avoid the emptiness?... because in my experience people do not make any real meaningful eye contact, no less sharing? (at least not without crutches and introductions and initial pretense and superficiality and games)...

so I signed up at this site because I've tried most everyuthing else and am considering actually paying for an introductory service... what's that big one online, eharmony?... I put a profile on that site the first year it started and never heard a word, probably because I didn't pay forit, but then, I don't think it is worth it... I've had a cybersoulmate profile up for years and nothing... in my experience, I am just too different for the services to find me a match because people like me don't use those services...

and then I returned to meetup and found they cancelled my membership once again (or deactivated my account, probably cuz my email bounced again)... we've been through this several times and I write them and they reinstate me... I last received an email in October 2006, so I'm probably still in their database... but curiosity and mood led me to join again and explore and I found they've grown dramatically in the past year... last time I checked the largest group were the Wiccans or the Pagans and they were having small meetings that did not appeal much to me when I attended... other groups were not getting enough people to show up to even have meetups...

but from the looks of it, there are groups with hundreds in it now, so I put myself out there... now all I need to do is motivate myself to start heading out after work (if I get out early enough) and see who shows up, if anyone, to these things... the weekends should be easier to get to... maybe it's a good thing...

in my experience, expectations can undermine the potential of any new experience, so I shall do my best to leave all of my experience behind and show up with no expectations... time to wake up the child and let him come out to play (even if it freaks some people out at first)... and hopefully I shall be able to tell you that in my experience, Orlando is fun again...

real soon :)

it's a library thing

wow... yeah, wow... I fell in love again... the last twenty-odd hours I've been blissfully addicted to my dreams of words and writing and reading and sharing my library with the one who will change everything by being the one who is the one... but all romantic dreams aside (noting that I often live in the asides ya know), I must introduce you to this new love I've found... you see, it's a library thing...

well, you will see if you click on the link and look around... I spent most of the past day+ adding books to my online library catalog there and if I keep that up for about 1500 more hours straight (who's crazy?) I might just find most of my entire library and catalog it online... strange as it may seem, at least for the moment, it's really sweet to look at the list of the books I once had on shelves all around my living space...

being the child I am, I kind of started with Dr. Seuss and other books in the children's section of my personal library and I've probably got about a quarter of that section online by now... some from the classics section (books that belong in most any library for historical purposes alone even if some of them are not all that appealing to me personally) and my favorites section too... the online catalog doesn't allow for such personal divisions, but eventually I'll explore how to grab the code for the catalog page and put it into a database I can expand myself and put on my eventual personal website that may happen even before this body dies if I find the time (if not, I'll leave it for some rabid fan to do when I am finally discovered for the genius I was)...

the only reason I stopped (aside from nodding off during the 24+ hour marathon) was the browser finally crashed (after opening almost 1000 browser windows - not all at once, but up to 10 open simultaneously) and here we are at the Word window that's been open all along since the previous entry...

yeah, suddenly I am in a wonderfully bouncy mood... thanks to memories and books and all those things inside... strange, as I slept only about four hours (and woke twice during those four hours), but it appears to be enough sleep for the moment as I am so bouncy that I cleaned some of the kitchen and actually cooked some food... I made shrimp parmesan (yeah, from scratch with frozen shrimp, though the shrimp was de-veined with tails on), rotelli pasta, and asparagus spears... I also made some cole slaw for tomorrow (cuz it'll take at least a day to cure) and had some pineapples for dessert (ok, canned, but hey, I am eating something other than pre-fab frozen veggie burgers or re-heated restaurant food, so there's a major (yes, an italicized major at that) change in the usual pattern of at-home behavior... I was so giddy I almost remembered how it felt to have my own home and live by my most comfortable habits (where the kitchen was clean enough to eat off any surface and I cooked regularly)...

since I was having so much fun and I am so far from even coming close to being satisfied that I have anywhere near a representative sampling of the authors and sections of my personal library, I am going back to the library thing now and continue making keyboard love to it (it's not the one, but it's part of what I want in the oneso... I'm having uber fun)...

I hope you've found something fun to do too since last you visited...

. . . o O ( you are still visiting, aren’t you? :) O o . . .