in my experience
am I just too intense (here we go with the too this and too that questions again, aye?... I wonder if starting out with a sardonic smile inspires your sardonic smile or more a rolling of your eyes, a sigh of impatience, and/or even a turning away... ah, the turning away... two songs play through my mind... I watch people and wonder and so rarely does anyone actually respond to what I am thinking... or actually saying, for that matter... I see too much perhaps... and when nothing {humans do} seems to make sense... still, it {being alive} turns me on)...
here, maybe this will help: one two
I suppose I could have mentioned this or that, but I should try not to let my mind (or fingers) wander too much if I really want understanding and not playful confusion (but in the absense of understanding, what else is there to do?... shhhh, if they don't understand, they won't get the jokes and might find reason to be offended in their fears and they'll undermine the purpose... what purpose?... must there always be a purpose?... maybe I should read the right sidebar {as if there's a left sidebar?... now that would be confusing... unless this is it... oh stop}... ok)...
what I started to say before I so irreverently interrupted myself was, something about my experience... a generalized sense of my experience in this life has been pondering through my brain (some might say plaguing my babble, I suppose) of late and the specifics are so rarely expressed in words because words muck up the understanding of the specific experiences that lead to the generalized feeling...
so too often it comes out as lament, whining, sour grapes, or some other blues... I didn't link to those specific paths through my written gardens this time, which is a sign of something, less desperation for attention, perhaps, or more acceptance of the way things are, whatever that means)...
I wonder what I am doing here from time to time... these days, more often the question comes around with no satisfactory answer... in life, I am here to help others because helping others feels good, because I can, and because that's usually all there is to do in my experience... in the moment, I am here to write what is on my mind to understand myself and to share myself with anyone who cares about me or anyone who might care about me if they stumble upon the words I leave out here on the web...
the natural progression of the questions can lead to what else might I be doing? and could I be doing anything else that might satisfy me more... what other ways might I be sharing or attempting to share... online, perhaps a specific community website with message boards or chat would work to expand my contacts and bring me what I want most, more contact in the physical world, more activity partners, hugable friends, and eventually, intimacy... ideally, someone who relates to the world and the experience of being alive the way I do... a best friend not so much by choice, but by symmetry, synchronicity, and sympatico...
maybe sitting in a cafe or a bookstore or somewhere would help, but then, I don't way to hang out around food or drugs and as far as I know, Orlando is truly lacking in interesting bookstores or meeting places... I search the web and find stuff like this, but how to search for actually places where people might sit and meet... mostly I find businesses that do not encourage loitering... or classifieds that turn into swingers sites...
then there's the age issue... I live in a college and bedroom community area... most of the people I find in bookstores and pizza places and cafe places and bars and anywhere people meet are undergrad college students... single people over thirty just don't seem to hang out much in this area unless they are out drinking or dancing (which is in bars where drinking is normal)... I'm not looking for someone who drinks (or smokes), so going to places that serve alcohol as their primary commodity does not appeal to me... for years I practically live at the clubs downtown and enjoyed the exercise and the energy, but tired of the shallowness and people on crutches... and as the years pass, the ageism ingrained in our culture even more than religion creates even less opportunity for meaningful connections...
but then there's a deeper story that does not fit into words... so why come here so often... to hide away?... to avoid the emptiness?... because in my experience people do not make any real meaningful eye contact, no less sharing? (at least not without crutches and introductions and initial pretense and superficiality and games)...
so I signed up at this site because I've tried most everyuthing else and am considering actually paying for an introductory service... what's that big one online, eharmony?... I put a profile on that site the first year it started and never heard a word, probably because I didn't pay forit, but then, I don't think it is worth it... I've had a cybersoulmate profile up for years and nothing... in my experience, I am just too different for the services to find me a match because people like me don't use those services...
and then I returned to meetup and found they cancelled my membership once again (or deactivated my account, probably cuz my email bounced again)... we've been through this several times and I write them and they reinstate me... I last received an email in October 2006, so I'm probably still in their database... but curiosity and mood led me to join again and explore and I found they've grown dramatically in the past year... last time I checked the largest group were the Wiccans or the Pagans and they were having small meetings that did not appeal much to me when I attended... other groups were not getting enough people to show up to even have meetups...
but from the looks of it, there are groups with hundreds in it now, so I put myself out there... now all I need to do is motivate myself to start heading out after work (if I get out early enough) and see who shows up, if anyone, to these things... the weekends should be easier to get to... maybe it's a good thing...
in my experience, expectations can undermine the potential of any new experience, so I shall do my best to leave all of my experience behind and show up with no expectations... time to wake up the child and let him come out to play (even if it freaks some people out at first)... and hopefully I shall be able to tell you that in my experience, Orlando is fun again...
real soon :)
here, maybe this will help: one two
I suppose I could have mentioned this or that, but I should try not to let my mind (or fingers) wander too much if I really want understanding and not playful confusion (but in the absense of understanding, what else is there to do?... shhhh, if they don't understand, they won't get the jokes and might find reason to be offended in their fears and they'll undermine the purpose... what purpose?... must there always be a purpose?... maybe I should read the right sidebar {as if there's a left sidebar?... now that would be confusing... unless this is it... oh stop}... ok)...
what I started to say before I so irreverently interrupted myself was, something about my experience... a generalized sense of my experience in this life has been pondering through my brain (some might say plaguing my babble, I suppose) of late and the specifics are so rarely expressed in words because words muck up the understanding of the specific experiences that lead to the generalized feeling...
so too often it comes out as lament, whining, sour grapes, or some other blues... I didn't link to those specific paths through my written gardens this time, which is a sign of something, less desperation for attention, perhaps, or more acceptance of the way things are, whatever that means)...
I wonder what I am doing here from time to time... these days, more often the question comes around with no satisfactory answer... in life, I am here to help others because helping others feels good, because I can, and because that's usually all there is to do in my experience... in the moment, I am here to write what is on my mind to understand myself and to share myself with anyone who cares about me or anyone who might care about me if they stumble upon the words I leave out here on the web...
the natural progression of the questions can lead to what else might I be doing? and could I be doing anything else that might satisfy me more... what other ways might I be sharing or attempting to share... online, perhaps a specific community website with message boards or chat would work to expand my contacts and bring me what I want most, more contact in the physical world, more activity partners, hugable friends, and eventually, intimacy... ideally, someone who relates to the world and the experience of being alive the way I do... a best friend not so much by choice, but by symmetry, synchronicity, and sympatico...
maybe sitting in a cafe or a bookstore or somewhere would help, but then, I don't way to hang out around food or drugs and as far as I know, Orlando is truly lacking in interesting bookstores or meeting places... I search the web and find stuff like this, but how to search for actually places where people might sit and meet... mostly I find businesses that do not encourage loitering... or classifieds that turn into swingers sites...
then there's the age issue... I live in a college and bedroom community area... most of the people I find in bookstores and pizza places and cafe places and bars and anywhere people meet are undergrad college students... single people over thirty just don't seem to hang out much in this area unless they are out drinking or dancing (which is in bars where drinking is normal)... I'm not looking for someone who drinks (or smokes), so going to places that serve alcohol as their primary commodity does not appeal to me... for years I practically live at the clubs downtown and enjoyed the exercise and the energy, but tired of the shallowness and people on crutches... and as the years pass, the ageism ingrained in our culture even more than religion creates even less opportunity for meaningful connections...
but then there's a deeper story that does not fit into words... so why come here so often... to hide away?... to avoid the emptiness?... because in my experience people do not make any real meaningful eye contact, no less sharing? (at least not without crutches and introductions and initial pretense and superficiality and games)...
so I signed up at this site because I've tried most everyuthing else and am considering actually paying for an introductory service... what's that big one online, eharmony?... I put a profile on that site the first year it started and never heard a word, probably because I didn't pay forit, but then, I don't think it is worth it... I've had a cybersoulmate profile up for years and nothing... in my experience, I am just too different for the services to find me a match because people like me don't use those services...
and then I returned to meetup and found they cancelled my membership once again (or deactivated my account, probably cuz my email bounced again)... we've been through this several times and I write them and they reinstate me... I last received an email in October 2006, so I'm probably still in their database... but curiosity and mood led me to join again and explore and I found they've grown dramatically in the past year... last time I checked the largest group were the Wiccans or the Pagans and they were having small meetings that did not appeal much to me when I attended... other groups were not getting enough people to show up to even have meetups...
but from the looks of it, there are groups with hundreds in it now, so I put myself out there... now all I need to do is motivate myself to start heading out after work (if I get out early enough) and see who shows up, if anyone, to these things... the weekends should be easier to get to... maybe it's a good thing...
in my experience, expectations can undermine the potential of any new experience, so I shall do my best to leave all of my experience behind and show up with no expectations... time to wake up the child and let him come out to play (even if it freaks some people out at first)... and hopefully I shall be able to tell you that in my experience, Orlando is fun again...
real soon :)
Labels: duh, emo, hope, meetup, perspective, sincerity, smile, sociology, web gadgets
posted by candoor at 11:59 PM
8 Comments:
It seems there were many words for me to catch up on in RealTime, and so I spent some real time catching up here and now I feel semi caught up. I'm wondering how the computer shopping is going, if it is indeed going at all.
Online connecting is sort of a puzzling thing...requiring a computer, and so then requiring sitting at the computer...which is an interesting dilemma because then you aren't "out there", so I suppose there is an opportunity cost, and then there are the geographical complications because you could be talking to someone in India for all you know, unless I guess if you go to a site where you can sort of distill down the people you connect with to your own corner of the country, in which case that sort of limits you as well because the Internet after all provides this sort of global reach. Am I making a point here or just babbling too after reading your words of babble..perhaps you inspired me...but in some way your babbling seems to have a point to make as opposed to merely a recitation of what is happening inside of your head.
I guess I'll close off the babble and just say it is nice to catch up in RealTime, offer you hugs and smiles and love and wishes for a bouncy week :)
i wanted to say something on the turning away from online dating but i lost my train of non-thought.
overall i think they come out of the blue when you least expect 'em rather than anything of any value coming out of a desperate search to connect.
REALLY accept you'll be alone for the rest of your life and more soulmate candidates than you know what to do with will instantly materialize in front of your nose!
z0tl is exactly right! I swear, its true. Reach a place of surrender and acceptance, and what you had been looking for will manifest right away. I'm still trying to reach that place again (its easier said than done), but I've been there before, and it really did play out that way.
can we then infer from z that he has found a nest of soul mates?
...or rather that these soul mates have found him?
lol Serenity
... who knows
within teh z?tl context, we've always practiced the lost art of "soulmatizing" which is like playing with putty and making your own soulmate out of IT!
!!!! TECH SUPPORT !!!! I'M ALONE IN CANDOR'S HEAD !!!!
scary, isn't it? :)
it figures you all show up on a Monday when I'm knocked out from more than a week of hardly sleeping and distracted by 1. computer shopping and 2. signing up for meetups and 3. piles of work at work and 4. did I mention library thing? and 5. being generally distracted in general...
just for that, no entry tonight (but if you're real good, maybe you'll get two or three tomorrow)... maybe...
but seriously, z, you oughta know that nobody is alone in my head... there are too many characters running around, mostly dressed and somewhat sane, trying to keep the crazy kids from skinny dipping on the astro plane...
ah, S, you are wonderful for the psyche and I love your babble and the way you love and share and hope you find more to babble on about here and anywhere your heart desires...
if z0tl is right, the world is in big trouble :)
the irony is that I am so not looking for anyone in the real world offline that I can be quite invisible most of the time... it's a trick I learned while in the army, stealth being... I am serious, but then, is there a difference really?...
of course z0tl has found his soulmate, why do you think he proposed to me years ago?
meanwhile, this is the only entry you get tonight cuz I am trying to get more than five hours sleep a night this week and would like to get more than six, even...
unless I change my mind...
thank you for being here and keeping me company while I was away...
O O
O
I love you.
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