softball report, part one

dateline, sunday, late october, 2008... because you are so interested in the details of the life of the author of the babble in this blog (almost as much as you love behind the candoor and the other blogs and more listed on the right sidebar just over there ---> (glances to the right), we stop the presses to bring you the latest sports report from the home team, specifically, the softball report... ah, softball, so much fun... why have i forsaken you for so long... like love, sex, and so many other physical pleasures, i put you up on a shelf (and it's not so funny, harry, sheesh) for so long... i think you can see standings and stuff for yourself if you like... we won, 12-9, which makes our record 4-4 on the season...

today in softball news, again most of the runs we gave up came on errors and we might have given up one or two if everyone caught the balls that hit their gloves, but definitely not more than a few... if we move up to a better division next year, we will definitely need to make fewer errors... i only walked one batter today and that was questionable as we had the self-adjusting umpire again, that is, he changes his strike zone at his whim and does not seem happy with the predominent skin color on our team... apparently, i learned today from our coach who was the only black player in the league for two years until this year, the predominent feeling in the league is whites only, whch is so scary to imagine, no less actually be part of, especially in this day and age... the south rises again, dammit, people really suck sometimes...

but i barely notice it myself because i pay no attention to the idiots and small minds around me and when it's pointed out to me i ponder a bit and notice that some of the people who were friendly with me last year are not so friendly with me this year and there just may be a slight tendency (and maybe more than slight) to shine a spotlight on our team and be harder on the players, including the pitcher, being me, when judgment calls are made...

there is one black umpire... he is, in my opinion, the most consistent and fairest umpire... and as odd as it may seem, just in the last couple of weeks i've noticed he was black... i focus on the ball and the plate (as in home plate) and putting the ball where it needs to be to get the batter out because that is a pitcher's job... i wasn't looking at the bigger picture until recently and lo and behold the prejudice does seem to be real on the field... so i may just pay a little closer attention and do my thing, which is ruffle a few feathers in ways that are only noticeable if the feathers respond and then, like with kids when you see the one who reacted, it's on them to explain what their problem is... so many life lessons to be taught along the way, so much to learn...

meanwhile, our first baseman may have a shoulder or collar bone injury, he'll be going to a doctor tomorrow... that's sad cuz he is a good player and very vocal... the second baseban's leg injury seems to be healing well... my torn hamstring from last year seems to be healed up well, though i still cramp in that hamstring more than the other... just need to keep stretching and moving... all in all, softball is much fun, even without a relationship or cheerleader... ah, the cheerleader, i suddenly miss tv... but only for a moment... i miss the cheerleader most all the time though (waaa-wahh) :}

after the game we hung out at our right center fielder's condo (which has an amazing pool, 396 feet long winding around a whole building, and that's just one of them) where he cooked food for the team, so we ate, watched some football (that makes about three times i've seen parts of games this year), and played some cards... the team is fun, i love the softball and the guys are sensitive and kind and friendly, but hanging with them does nothing for my social life (as in love life or sex life) cuz they are all gay (i did mention somewhere along the way that my sunday league is part of nagaaa, haven't i?)... they are the most organized softball league in orlando and we're talking about entering in tournaments in other cities, which sounds like much fun, but alas, no girls (at least no girls interested in boys)... i love the softball and the guys though...

so the fun (and the loneliness) continues (every day, same old thing, huh? :)

and that is the softball report for today... in the next installment, we'll bring you news of the other three teams i pitch for... much less organized evening leagues where teams show up, play, and leave, mostly, so minimal social interaction (and of course, these are the heterosexual leagues... homosexuals just seem to know how to socialized and organized and have fun better, but then, i wouldn't want to stereotype... giggle, yeah, stereotype, nope, not me... so the one obviously has to be gay friendly and have all the social skills of a gay person too, but be very into this boy... what?... we are digressing from the softball report?... and you expected not to?)...

hope your day was full of fun too :)

with or without you

well ok then, i'll just continue along my merry way as if we've got all the time in the world to catch up with each other when you get back cuz, after all, i'm not away... not that i haven't been away, i'm just not away at the moment... and even though i adore your being here and love your support and attention and comments and worth, i shall babble on with or without you (but wait, that's what would ordinarily be said behind the candoor so does that mean this blog has become the official babbling blog now that thereal is pretty much an everyday thing?... i suppose it was only a matter of time before my multiple personalities facets decided to make the time for a voice of their own on a more regular basis... if i only had the time i'd probably have several dozen daily blogs all interacting with each other {and some probably not even acknowledging they were me, kind of like an internet radio show or something} but as it is, we might pause at two dailies... though btc is asking what about me more than ever and even the live journals are calling... i may be digressing here a bit, what was the point?)...

ok, so now that you're here, what's up with those yankees?... how much money can a sports figure be worth, anyway?... and it's not just the yankees, it's american greed... whatever happened to kids going to baseball games all summer for next to free?... whatever happened to heroes who meant something?... now sports teams are infested undisciplined creeps snickering at the milking of the fans and whispering, hey kid, wanna buy a logo?...

meanwhile, whatever the price of a ticket, it's not worth it because not enough players care about the game itself anymore... it's like going to a play to see bad actors... or going to watch road workers sit on the side of the words half the day... a few prima donnas take dives to get on sports center and the rest just punch the clock and collect their checks... sports entertainment is not as entertaining as sports...

maybe that's why i actually watched some of the olympics this year... to remember what truly wanting to win at a sport was all about... yeah, so, whatever brought that rant on seems to have dissipated so we'll just mention here that the same cd is playing and it's becoming even better as some more of the words reach my ears... it truly is wonderful when the universe tangibly reminds me that i am a part of it...

i really should have let myself nod off earlier instead of putting an extra thousand calories into my belly and reducing my chances of waking early and heading to the gym tomorrow... but it was worth it, for me, at least... i kinda sorta want to take some time to play with words and let my emotional imagination run free for a while, but that gets in the way of daily responsibilities and healthy habits and i've shortened this body's life span enough already and it's time to turn that pattern around again...

and yet...

when will someone love me
other than myself
when will someone want to be
the mirror on my shelf
when will someone live with me
and know that's where she'll always be
because it feels like destiny
and desire
when will someone share the inner fire

awwww, so emo... let's kill the night is a cool song... the words are slipping through, slowly... maybe it's the tinnitus... don't sleep, don't sleep,

i like to move, i can't sleep
i feel i'm always turning
i toss and turn when i'm awake

i like to feel electric
feel my blood is pumping
i like to know the hour is late

i like to be with you
let's keep the candle burning
you know it's not too late

don't sleep, don't sleep,
let's kill the night
you know there is so much we can say

i like to move so fast till i am feeling dizzy
i like to know the deadline's come and gone
i like to be here with you till we are overwhelmed
till it all seems almost wrong

don't sleep, don't sleep,
let's kill the night
cuz there is so much more that we can say

don't sleep, don't sleep,
i'm restless now
maybe you can show me the way

ok, so i may have missed some words, but i like it... and it's the music that's really seducing me under the skin... different, yet familiar... layers of strings strummed, plucked, bowed... rhythms, melodies, creative chords... comforting repetitions and surprising progressions... but is that me or what?... we're just having a part, me and tom... yay for my mind...

i've been thinking of you
my superstitious one
and of the things you thought
you hadn't done

you know there's nothing to it
it's just a fantasy
these are all just phantoms
made for me
i see right through

i've been thinking of you
and your turnabout
when you spin so quickly
does it wear you out
come back to the moment
walk back in the door
find your sleeping santa
nailed to the floor
that's when we were two
that's where we were two

yes i've been thinking of you
my superstitious one
of your pretty magic
leaves me all undone
you've got no idea
not a single clue
how much i've needed
and longed for you
yes i've ... for you
yes my love, for you
always for you

so am i singing that one or wishing someone would sing that to or about me... this is a cd that reaches deep into the past, deep into the dreams, deep into me... and yet, it'll be amusing to see if i've gotten any of those lyrics wrong if i ever see the printed lyrics... just a few words different changes it from a message for my core to a just a wonderful cd... still, the message is there, and beautiful, and beautifully played...

i'm gonna have to listen to his first cd one of these days, after all, i was finally able to download it... and so, this is the entry for tonight, a bit of babble and fan protest and music... and now, back to the tree of madness for another bite...

heat exhaustion

it almost happened to me today, in fact, ot might have, actually, denial doesn't work well so to the best of my medical knowledge, it did happen to me today... four or more hours in the blistering sun playing softball and in spite of more than a half gallon of fluids including that g2 tiger drink and water and vitamins, the heat was brutal and cooling down became nearly impossible...

a cold drink of rain juice helped a lot, as did sitting in the the air conditioner in the car... so when i got home i drank another 40 or so ounces of cold water and sat down and felt much more cool and so i took a nnap before going out tonight to the planetarium with thirty or so people, a half dozen or so who are becoming friends, though in the social sense and not in the intimate sense, if you know what i mean...

and i woke from the nap in time to go to the Planetarium, but not in time to go to dinner with the group, so i went to dinner with Rasputin after the show and so it is now about 2am and the insanity is tomorrow... 7am starts the day of the softball tournament with a five game guarantee, meaning i'll be pitching at least five games... i must get some sleep... and take ice and a cooler for cold drinks...

so i shall close my eyes and see if the brain is ready for sleep now... the body certainly is, but the brain hungers for so much more... not that the body doesn't hunger too, but it is so much easier to burn out the body and bring it to blissful fatigue than it is to do that to the brain...

who cares, really...

i mean, why bother babbling on out here like this... well, as if we did not know, this is all for the one who cares to read it all... the one who cares enough to take the time... the one who wants to know... there've been a few so compelled who have told me so and we shared some amazing (and explosive) times in this live... and the words continue for them and for anyone else who might be... or even just interested...

so... sunblock... and i bought some other stuff tonight... hat... headband... wristbands... crazy glue to fix my sunglasses... facial sunblock... and other stuff... fascinating details, huh?... i'll tell you what else was in the bag of stuff i bought another time when i remember if i remember to tell you... thanks for being here...

nite nite :)

so what i am doing now is

let's see, instead of sleeping tonight i spent a couple of hours setting up fantasy baseball teams, more than two dozen of them, really, because i love numbers and statistics and games that involve numbers and statistics and i seem to be less interested in sleep than ever and i was rarely interested in sleep, especially during times of singlehood... in fact, the only time i am ever at all really interested in sleep is during times of couplehood because i love the cuddling into unconditionally trusting oblivion that sleeping with someone can be and love even more the waking in that infantile state, if you know, the one that Tinkerbell remembers Peter Pan in, where she'll always love him, and such newborn eyes sights, so i find things to do to amuse my brain while not sharing that...

i wonder how long the body will survive in singlehood...

also, besides the hours fun calculating the numerical probabilities of fantasy baseball teams, i wandered meetups a bit and added a few more to my calendar... you know my calendar, right?... i mean, you remember me mentioning my calendar that i found online and created so people can actually know where i am and what i do in real time so maybe someone who might want to meet me might come out to meet me in all the safety and awkwardness of a public place... emphasis on the safety...

wait, the link is around here somewhere...

and i joined another softball league, so come the end of June i will be playijng softball Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings... maybe it'll raise my interest in sleep as i pitch inconsistently and hobble afterward... not as bad as the guy in Misery, but stoll hobbling is not a way to be playing softball, if being a team sport and all... unless everybody hobbles, then it might be ok...

i hope the people on the team are fun... i hope i get on a team... i hope they don't have a pitcher... i hope they let me try to play another position too now and then... i hope they don't all laugh at me... i hope they are nice... i hope the girls are really horny hot babes who wear super tight short shorts and skimpy halter tops and all want to sleep with me...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they want to do more than sleep...

ok, i'm kidding... i hope they are innocent and adorable...

i really am not into the hooter's girl types... not that there's anything wrong with being a hooter's girl type, but i am just not into the typical large-breasted-females that is the norm for this culture... i'm probably a pervert...

and while all this (or that above the last aside into foreplay, or fiveplay, even) was going on (the fantasy baseball, the meetup wonderings, the baseball signing up, and so on (beware of the and so ons, ya know?), Precious was playing an all-night marathon of Gilmore Girls, complete with it's cuteness and witty raportee and stereotypical human misdirection that all great human stories are made of (hours and hours and days and years and lifetimes of saying the opposite of what is really meant or felt inside cuz of some pride thing or something… people are such scaredy cats)…

so here we sit as the sun approaches the horizon, just out of sight from this vantage point at this moment, but we know it's there, after all, we are not ignorant tribes of nomadic wandering people fearing the dark and making blood sacrifices to appease the gods that press the sun down into the earth each night and might keep it there forever without the blood and the dancing and the praying stuff or killing in the name of any other sort of religious hogwash, are we?…

you just never know when that socio-political sort of commentary might suddenly rear it's amusingly obnoxious (or is that obnoxiously amusing) head… just apologize to the fundamentalists and bend over and let them… well, you want peace, don't you?... yes, staying up all night does bring all sorts of thoughts (you know, thoughts, those things that somehow pass through the brain cells now and then) to mind… especially when the rapid dialogue of the Gilmore Girls is rambling on in the background hour after hour as if there is so much to talk about the words must be compressed into cartoon-like run-on sentences replete with nouveau classic literary references and obscure intellectual humor that gives those in the know the sense of being in the know, you know?...

well, here comes the sun (da duh duh da) and it is alright... ridiculous as it may be to stay awake all night, it's alright... yes, little darling, and i say, it's all right... maybe i should nap an hour before heading to work…

nite nite :)

ok, i can take a hint

self-destruction sucks all by myself... then again, i'm only doing it to attract someone to save me, even though nobody can... i'd just like to believe that somebody can, like care enough and be strong enough and want to enough and have the time and the energy and the will and the magic and the amazingess and the adorability (that's the key, in case you didn't know) and know how to use it just right (that's the secret, in case you didn't know) and...

still not sleeping enough and dumb is the word... still not exercising enough and dumber is the word... i could probably make a really bad movie all by myself... random thoughts are crashing into each other and forming this entry, so far, at least...

i babbled on a bit here and there, there being elsewhere, but then, you already know about myspace where i am a faux star who leaves people speechless... ironic gift for a kid who wants to share words and everything, isn't it?... anyway, i started three new blogs too, but we'll just slip that in here between the lines until i decide they are something i want to announce and do a little dance about... a jig, even... the ridiculousness of the process of the method to my madness is far beyond the comprehension of the most understanding i've known, but the ruminating lovers sometimes catch a glimpse of the secret between laughter and tears and screams and sighs... and when those two lines turn into a song, i'll be sure to let you know...

it's all about the love, even if nobody really knows...

meanwhile, i present you with the keys to the kingdom, even if nobody has time to use them, or even play with them, as we shuffle through our separate lives along what authors much more worthy of reading than i called this mortal coil... sometimes it's more like a spider's web, actually, but then, it's all a matter of perspective... ultimately, it doesn't matter whether the glass is half full or half empty when you're thirsty...

sometimes i just gawk widely at the words i see popping up on the screen after my fingers touch the keys and wonder who wrote them...


so what's new in the real?...

same old same old, work went well as a little more respect and responsibility and power and all that professional stuff comes my way... people in house are depending on me more and i finally nudged the administrator over and took a big bite out of his job (the risk manager part) as he was freaking people out as he does now and then over an incident he wanted investigated... not that he hasn't hinted enough times, but then, our salary negotiation was that we'd renegotiate an increase if i took the risk manager responsibility, so that's gonna be our the summer dance no matter how much he tries to avoid it... and i also found out that i seem to have a growing reputation at corporate and my number is being passed around to other facilities as if i am someone important to know and learn from... don't know how long i'll want to be in the work spotlight this time, but it seems to be moving closer...

life at home is lazier than usual as i am taking a break from going out every night lately... watched American Idol for the singer in me... watched basketball out of half an eye while playing my fantasy baseball and checking email and meetups and myspace and my personal stuff on the web... still out of the habit of checking sites not mine, except for the random stop at myspace when i want to read distract my brain a bit... i hope you are still out there writing or something...

g'nite, i love you, won't you come out and play :)

any other Monday

I'd probably be asleep... I did nod off after eating a salad (and cottage cheese) for dinner... but then I woke again... and I woke hungry... must have been all that exercise walking for hours and hours around Disney yesterday... and probably an emotional hunger too (comfort food is so sweet)... so I'm munching on Italian subs and watching various TV stuff (Enterprise, football, mediocrity) and most of all, enjoying the empty living room...

yes, Odysseus is gone... Rasputin was serious and handed him a ticket and money and drove him to the bus station today... I did not know Ody had a son where he is going... apparently, as confused as he is, he's going to depend on his 18 year old son (who's been forced to be pretty independent already since Ody is his more responsible parent and hasn't seen him in years) to help him find work (but he's convinced that he's going to teach his son about responsibility and life)... I hope his son can help him and they find much success in whatever they do...

though for the time being, preferably not in Orlando...

I feel so mean for thinking that, but I know the leech mindset wel and I've had more than my share of hangers-on in this life and I've promised myself no more... in talking to Raspy about Ody, Raspy said that Ody has always been this way (dependent, depressed) and the Ody we saw the past two weeks is better than he's ever been... Raspy thinks his mom's finally leaving might have kicked Ody enough to wake him up a bit... sad though, if this is his best ever...

there is apparently some family back where he is going, but only one actually said Ody could stay and limited it to a few days... meanwhile, I am reassured to see that Raspy did make Ody keep his word and we are not enabling him any more... I did hand Raspy some money to help cover what he gave Ody cuz Raspy tapped himself for the rest of the month (Raspy just had to hand him all his money being the good guy he is) and he and Precious shouldn't suffer for being his brother's keeper for a little while... and so after spraying the couch and carpet with Fabreeze, life is sort of back to normal around here...

so any other Monday I'd have napped into a deep sleep and ate very light and gotten good rest and balanced the high caloric weekend, but the energy level was high this evening (even Raspy and Precious were awake and talking and the TV was off when I got home) and so I rode the wave... you shouda been here... better yet, you shoulda been at Disney with Jackson and me this weekend...

work continues to be surreal and almost farcicle as the office cubicle was sort of finished, but the move did not begin because the one-day-a-week person did not move, so the former PI person could not move, so I raised the profile of my relative officelessness (I actually share two offices, but don't claim a desk of my own at the moment because people are working at every desk and I am training my assistant {who is creeping along way too slowly as her learning curve is way too steep to make this reorganization actually work, but I'll give it more time and spend my days developing baby step instruction sheets for every task for her [and let the data and PI work fall behind a month or two] and hope she surprises me one of these days} at my data desk) and had more people noticing and asking and other director's praised me for my patience and adaptability and the ridiculousness of the situation (me wheeling my little table-office around) livened the day and probably raised moral more than lowered it (and that's part of my job too)...

so that's Monday, just like any other Monday, only different...

and just when you thought this was over (it is, mostly), let's all wish z0tl a safe journey (or comisseration) since his planned vacation to Cancun just might get washed out by Hurricane Dean...pack rain gear and boots, z, and don't drink the water... the man has impeccable timing, aye?...

thanks for being here and may you be feeling wonderful tonight :)

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, what?

you will probably see (or not see) entries for the last two days pop up suddenly sometime later on, like maybe tomorrow night or maybe Monday or Tuesday or... things happened, words bunch up in the head and demand release (like shorts, only different)... as my last comment to you guys said, I've been distracted, spacey, busy, and not lazy the last few days...

distractions come from changes at work (as does the busy)... I gave them an extra few hours this week, at least... Wednesday the new part time Data Specialist started and so I was training her in our systems most of the week... then whenever I can find time I sit and watch the former PI as she tells me about the reports and stuff she does... Friday we had a couple of auditors in all day so I was tied up with them (first priority) and training the new data person (second priority) and listening to the former PI (third priority) and doing the PI job...

the spacey comes from August memories (not August dreams, though I really do need to return a phone call, aye?)... ah, my diaryland is a distant memory, but at least I found an offline friend who goes to Seaworld with me there... maybe next weekend, tomorrow it's Disney with Jackson (my semi-officemate cuz I am moving into my own office Monday and will sometimes be using the desk and computer in her office, but it's now a work-home away from home instead of work-home... I'll just be across the hall, so we'll only miss each other a lot instead of horribly)...

the not lazy comes at home cuz in spite of both roommates constant lethargy, I motivated myself to do some serious rearranging and cleaning and got most of the laundry done... last week I bought stuff for the space... shower caddies, a table, shelving, stuff... today I opened the boxes, put stuff together, cleaned and reorganized the space... that's deep cleaning, not just wiping the surface...

feels good :)

ironically, I turned the TV on for a few moments tonight cuz it's habit while I eat and I was just in time to see Barry bonds hits his 755th home run and hear earlier in the day that Arod hit his 500th home run and the baseball statistics kid in my head found glee in numbers... mostly, today was filled with music as Precious was out until the evening and Rasputin slept, so I popped CD after CD in the player and didn't sit down until just a few moments ago... that feels good too... and more hunger to share...

in days to come I may expound on the August entry for the myspace blog and the words bunching up in my head will find their way out (cuz that's the method to my madness, dontcha know)... the distractions and busy times will continue throughout this month and I feel the hunger for offline sharing growing more and more, but I don't see myself leaving the blog world as writing and sharing words is as much part of me as breathing... I hope life is good in your world and you are finding motivations, inspirations, and satisfaction (as much as possible)...

and thank you for breathing with me :)

caution, human at work

today, I did some work at work... I figure if I am going to interview for the much higher profile, much more time-sensitive job, I really ought to start catching up on my current work so I am up-to-date if I do leap and have to start training a new person... I might even have to take some of the job with me as there's a shortage of database savvy computer geeks in the place and I've souped-up the data job to the point where nobody has a clue how to do what I do unless I give it to them... hey, I didn't want to get board, after all... but I will look at ways to simplify...

the top dog (Administrator) stopped by my office to let me know he received my transfer request and intends to talk to me tomorrow about it... it's not a position left for the personnel director to interview... so maybe, like my former boss (who really ran the hospital) said, they do want me for this position rather badly and I might have a little more leverage than most would in the place... and the person leaving the positions has always said I'd be better than she is at it... of course the realist in me prepares for the worst and tells me that's optimistic thinking... the Administrator is painfully frugal... brutally cheap... cruel, even... so we shall see...

nice to get respect though :)

somewhere during the day I remembered that I forgot my BP med today... my subconscious doesn't hate being dependent on a pill too much, aye?.. so I get home and after sitting for just 5 minutes my BP is 111/72 with a pulse of 59... it's 115/73 and 55 now (almost 2am)... this just adds to the puzzle of what exactly set the BP off skyrocketing for that week last week... the doctor still hasn't returned my call... how does one go about finding a real doctor who knows about BP and treating kidneys and livers and most of all, human beings?... maybe I should consider a vet... and I don't mean veteran...

cynicism amuses me, especially when it's right...

and then, after talking about the NBA draft every day for a week or two (because Rasputin is majorly into it) and talking about it at work, I forget it's on tonight and tuned in late... and then, Raspy woke up and I forgot I was writing and catching up on life in RealTime™... so here we are again, together in this rambling way, and what's new?... am I really considering spending more mostly dead alone time in this over-crowded college-town suburb of Orlando?... can I import the changes I seek?... interesting questions, perhaps...

the offer will have to be good...

and my next thought is - I do not want to have a one track mind... more life, that is what I seek more than anything, more stuff to do and most of all, someone to do it with who is on my wavelength (is anybody?... I laugh, but it's the most serious question I've asked through this life... being different is not unique, but I've yet to meet anyone truly on my wavelength... connecting on all cylinders... putting the pieces of each other together to form one cohesive puzzle... I am so tired of the compromises, the bending, the patience...

and here I am considering making money a goal?... retirement would be sweeter... maybe I should start playing the lottery... or advertising for a sugar mommy... I suppose it would be easier to find one if I had more money to throw around... but the wavelength, maria, but the wavelength... I'm giggling from overtiredness I think, so it's bedtime for this bozo...

I have way too much fun learning to be human and mocking myself for it... I wonder how the DSM-V would categorize it... dissociative, perhaps... egomania and certainly schizoid tendencies... and we musn't forget bipolar, but actually, I'm more tri-polar, at least... being a stranger in a strange world is not the easiest thing to do when sharing is so much of what I want in this life in this world, ya know?... calling all aliens, find me... beam me up, or beam on down, or something...

how to expand my network (shifting the droning song from how to increase my net worth)... I've been trying the you tell two people and they'll tewll two people and so on and so on for decades... The Writer's Exchange and Paper Fantasies were two ways I tried through snail mail... and for the past decade, online rambling has been the way... and the way isn't working... too many words... too much irreverence... too weird... that's me, driving humans away in droves by being me...

see why I appreciate you guys so much?... you are unique... you put up with my ridiculousness, my teasing, my abstractions, my obscure references to meaningless trivia and seemingly endless diatribes (massive missives, even) asking for attention with much ado about nothing... you sometimes take me seriously, nobody else does, so never doubt my appreciation for you... if I was obscenely rich, I'd get seriously obscene all over you...

and you even understand what I mean... sometimes :)

and so, I leave another pile of words out here, three in a row (am I out?), and hope the song that remains the same played at this show that never ends feels ever more welcoming and strong enough to expand the contacts, the network, the chances for (and chances are) somebody somewhere will put the one in touch with me in this world... yup, that's why I'm here... why I'm still going... dreaming of touching the whole world... letting every living being in the universe know I am here (like the Whos down in Whoville) so I can find and touch and be with the one again for the first time forever...

and to think, I could be sleeping...

nite nite :)